After Darkness Comes The Dawn
by What'sHerName1
Summary: Set following the events of 'Into Darkness' and does contain spoilers for the movie. Captain Kirk struggles to cope with his death and revival in preparation for the five-year mission and his developing relationship with his First Officer only serves to complicate things even further. Kirk/Spock Slash
1. Prologue

"It's a miracle!" cried one of the Ensigns on the bridge.

Spock leaned back slightly in the captain's chair, confused as to how their ship had suddenly become controllable once again.

"There are no such things," he said, a slight sense of apprehension to his voice, as if he didn't want to know how the systems had come back online.

There was a tone from the communications system, followed by the chief engineer's voice echoing through the bridge.

"Engineering to bridge, Mr Spock?"

"Mr Scott?" Spock responded immediately, a lump starting to rise in his throat, he could tell that something was wrong with the way Scotty sounded.

"Sir. You'd better get down here, better hurry," he said, his voice sounding as though he was having trouble holding back his emotions.

Spock leapt up from the chair and sprinted from the room, passing Lieutenant Uhura on his way and barely even noticing her standing there.

It took less than a minute for Spock to reach engineering.

Scotty was standing near to the main warp-core reactor, his eyes red and upper lip trembling. He shook his head upon seeing Spock and looked at the ground, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

Spock instinctively rushed to the reactor door and took a deep intake of breath at what he saw there.

"Open it," he ordered Scotty.

"The decontamination process is not complete; you'd flood the whole compartment. The door's locked, sir," he choked out.

Spock knelt on the floor beside the glass outer reactor door as inside the reactor, Jim Kirk managed to hit the button to close the inner door.

Slumped against the door, he coughed weakly and looked up at Spock. The two men stared at each other for a moment that felt like an eternity, piercing blue eyes meeting deep brown ones. Kirk gasped for air, his lungs starting to fail him.

"How's our ship?" he rasped to his First Officer.

"Out of danger," responded Spock, in a very human sounding voice much unlike his usual tone.

"You saved the crew," he added, yet more emotion in his words.

"You used what he wanted against him, that's a nice move," struggled out Kirk, eyes looking at Spock but not really seeing him. His strength was fading fast.

"It is what you would have done," replied Spock, his face moving slightly closer to the glass of the door, slightly closer to his Captain.

"And this," said Kirk, motioning to the reactor, "This is what you would have done. It was only logical."

The two men stared at each other for another long moment; Spock was struggling to control his emotions and could feel tears welling in his eyes.

"I'm scared Spock," whispered Jim. "Help me not to be."

Spock's usually stoic expression crumpled and he looked at the ground momentarily, tears beginning to fall, before looking back at his Captain.

"How do you choose not to feel?" questioned Jim, pain and panic in his eyes as the life started to leave his body.

Spock shook his head slightly "I do not know," he mumbled, his voice cracking as he spoke. "Right now I am failing."

Jim's face softened, tears welling in his own eyes.

Thoughts raced through Jim's dying mind. _Spock was at his side in his final moments, crying for him_. He hadn't cried at the death of his mother, or the destruction of his planet, but there he was, _crying for him_, James Tiberius Kirk.

It was time to tell him something he should have told him a long time ago.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die," Jim paused, gasping for breath. "Why I went back for you."

"Because you are my friend," said the Vulcan, tears still streaming down his face.

Jim stared long and hard into Spock's eyes, lungs rattling as they tried to draw a useful breath. Nothing seemed to work anymore, not his brain, not his lungs, not anything. He knew it was the end.

"Because I love you Spock, and I couldn't have lived without you, I love you," he whispered, a single tear escaping one of his impossibly blue eyes.

Spock blinked and his mouth fell open slightly, soundlessly.

All Jim wanted was to hear him say it in return. Using all his remaining strength he raised his hand to the glass, pressing it flat against the panel. Spock stared at him, still shocked by what Jim had just confessed. Jim's eyes slipped closed and he fought to get them open again.

Spock's hand pressed against the other side of the glass, fingers parting to form the three-pronged Vulcan salute.

Jim slowly slid his fingers down the glass to mirror Spock's slightly larger hand.

Spock's mouth opened and closed a few times, as if he was trying to say something but the words would not come to him.

Behind Spock Lieutenant Uhura entered the engineering deck, hands rising to cover her mouth and stifle her shocked gasp as she saw the situation unfolding before her, her Captain in the final moments of his life inside the warp reactor, Spock in _tears_ at his side. A sob left her throat and Scotty pulled her into a hug, the two crew members just crying silently and holding each other.

Jim looked at his and Spock's hands pressed against the glass and gave the smallest of smiles before looking back up to Spock, coughing slightly.

Spock fought to keep his emotions controlled but he could feel himself falling to pieces.

The two men stared into each others eyes as Jim Kirk took his final breath, exhaling slowly and completely. Jim's eyes became slightly glassy, staring blankly forwards, his hand sliding off the glass door and falling limp at his side. Spock opened his mouth as if to say something, but there were no words, nothing left to say.

Spock looked down, unable to look at Jim's dead eyes. He withdrew his hand from its position on the door, anger and hatred for the man responsible for the death of his Captain bubbling up inside of him.

Fists clenched and eyes narrowed, Spock let out an unrestrained cry of rage unlike anything the other members of the crew in engineering had ever heard before.

"KHAAAAAN!"

~A/N~

Hi there! Thanks for reading :)  
I'm new to writing for this fandom, so please bare with me whilst I get the characters right, I mean they should be reasonable as I'm a big trek fan, but I've just never written them before. Just to warn you now in case you can't already guess... this story IS slash and is rated M for a reason, so if you don't like it, please click the little 'x' in the top right corner of your browser now, I don't want to offend anybody!  
Reviews would make me a very happy person, so if you feel that way inclined, please leave one. Thanks again for reading, I'll update soon :)


	2. Chapter 1 - Revival

~A/N~

Wow! Thank you all for the reviews, follows, faves, everything! I'm kind of overwhelmed seeing as the first chapter was basically just the scene from the movie with one line added to twist the story in my direction. That was deliberate and it was just to recap the scene... there won't be anymore transcribed scenes from the movie, this is when the plot becomes mine. Usual disclaimers apply, I don't own Star Trek, Kirk, Spock, Bones, Khan... anyone or anything. I mean really, if I did, do you think I'd be here writing this? ;)

The only thing I own is the plot and my twisted imagination. Anyway, without further ado, please enjoy the first ACTUAL chapter! :D

* * *

**Chapter One - Revival**

_"What is it?" rang out the voice. It was a voice Jim had never heard, but felt he knew._

_"It's a boy," said his mother._

_"A boy?! Tell me about him."_

_"He's beautiful. George you should be here," she whispered._

_"What are we going to call him?" the male voice asked hurriedly._

_"We could name him after your father?"_

_"Tiberius?! You kiddin' me? No! That's the worst. Let's name him after your dad, let's call him Jim."_

_"Jim. OK. Jim it is."_

"Jim? Jim can you hear me?"

Jim gasped, panting for breath like a goldfish out of water. His eyes opened and he blinked in the bright light, coughing violently.

"Get me some water for him!" said McCoy urgently.

Jim felt his head being tilted up gently by a strong pair of hands and a glass of water brought to his lips. He drank from it eagerly, before starting to cough again and vomiting all over McCoy.

"Damn it man, you were_ barely_ dead and you use it as an excuse to puke all over me!" he protested.

"Drama queen," he grumbled, pulling off his doctor's coat and throwing it into a hamper at the side of the room, leaving him wearing his white undershirt and pale blue scrub pants that Jim always enjoyed making fun of. He carefully cleaned his friends face with a cloth and sighed.

"Bones?" rasped Jim, eyes finally focusing on the room. Someone was still supporting his head with their hands and helping him sit up slightly, but it wasn't Bones.

"I'm here buddy, can you see me ok?" he asked, holding up a small scanning device to Jim's head.

"Mhm," he said weakly, closing his eyes again. Jim felt as though he had been hit by a truck, then dropped off a bridge into a river and drowned, before falling over the edge of a waterfall.

"Hurts," he mumbled, wincing at the burning pain through his whole body.

"Where does it hurt buddy?" Bones asked his friend, an unusual softness to his normally gruff voice.

"C-can't," he stammered, unable to speak enough to explain to Bones that he would rather be dead than feeling this level of pain.

The strong, warm hands supporting his head slowly lowered it back onto the soft pillows

"Captain, if you would permit, I could join with your mind and relay information verbally to Dr McCoy, this would allow you to conserve your energy by not speaking." The identity of the third person in the room was revealed.

_Spock._

Jim nodded slightly, having no objection to Spock being able to talk to McCoy on his behalf; he didn't feel much like talking when his body felt like it was on fire.

Barely even aware of Spock's hand on his face, Jim felt a cooling sensation run through his body as Spock's mind joined to his own.

"The Captain is in considerable pain, I would suggest increasing his medication significantly," said Spock, wincing slightly as a small amount of Jim's pain passed into him through the meld.

"Oh is that your medical opinion?" said McCoy sarcastically.

_Shut it Bones, he's only trying to help. And my name is Jim._

"The Ca- …Jim advises you that I am only trying to help, and that you should 'shut it'," relayed Spock, the corners of his lips turning up slightly in a small smirk.

Bones laughed.

"You're gonna _love_ me for this Jim," he said, administering a hypo to his neck.

The effect was instantaneous, a comfortable numbness spreading through the young Captains body. Spock broke the mind-meld and Jim slowly opened his eyes. He looked up carefully at the two men standing at his bedside.

Bones looked very concerned, Spock looked very concerned. _Why is everyone so concerned? What even happened? What was that weird dream all about?_

"How much do you remember?" asked Bones quietly.

"Ship was blown half to hell, no systems, no gravity. We were crashing. That's it, then blank until now. Spock do you have _stubble_?" asked Jim, finally looking carefully enough at his First Officer to notice the dark shadow on his face.

"I could tell you what happened, but seeing as you are more concerned with Mr Spock's face, then I guess the main story can wait," sighed McCoy, lowering himself into one of the chairs and kicking his feet up onto Jim's bed.

Spock lightly touched his own face.

"It appears I have been preoccupied with my concern for your condition and have not paid close enough attention to my personal grooming," he responded in his normal matter-of-fact way. He also had dark circles under his eyes, something Jim had never noticed him have before. He looked conflicted.

Jim nodded, not wanting to question him in front of Bones.

"Tell me. Where am I? How am I here? What happened exactly?" he asked, looking at the other two men expectantly. He glanced around the whole room and could tell that he definitely wasn't aboard the Enterprise. On a small table in the corner was a substantial pile of cards, gifts and flowers. It all served to confuse Jim even further.

"Jim, you crawled inside the warp core of the Enterprise… and well, you died," said Bones briefly.

"What Dr McCoy is failing to mention is the fact that your actions saved the crew, the ship, and it was a completely logical decision undertaken-"

"Oh! So it was _logical_ for Jim to fry himself from the inside out in the warp core was it?! Fuckin' insensitive, pointy eared son of a-"

"I was simply suggesting that-"

"Stop! Both of you. You can bicker later. Please someone explain," sighed Jim. He tried to sit up slightly and reach for his glass of water but found his body did not respond to him.

He looked down and bit his lip.

"How long have I been laying here?" he whispered.

"Just over five weeks," said McCoy.

Jim's body had wasted away. Gone were his toned muscles, replaced with a skinny shadow of his former self. At first guess Jim assumed he had lost maybe forty pounds through muscle wastage.

Bones gripped Jim's shoulder and helped him to sit upright before propping the pillows behind his back and handing him the glass of water.

Just bringing the glass to his mouth required an enormous amount of effort.

"During the Enterprise's confrontation with the U.S.S. Vengeance, the warp core was misaligned, resulting in the loss of all power and systems to the ship. We became trapped in the gravitational pull of the Earth and the ship was beginning to burn up as we did not have shields to protect the hull. Everyone aboard the ship would have perished if it were not for your actions," explained Spock.

"I… went into the reactor? And died?" Jim questioned, taking another sip of his water but then setting it down as he began to feel sick again. The hypo Bones had given him that made him so comfortably numb was fading already.

"The radiation killed you Jim. You managed to get out to the compartment door, and seal the inner door so Scotty could vent the radiation. We, or well, Scotty and I, pulled you out. Spock beamed down to the planet to get that bastard Khan so we could use his magical regenerating blood to bring you back to life. I almost couldn't _use_ any of his blood because Mr Spock here brought me Khan as something of a mangled mess," said Bones, shooting Spock a meaningful look.

"You killed Khan?" Jim asked, astounded that Spock would have done that.

"No, I did not kill him. In order to subdue him adequately, I had to ensure he was injured to a degree where-"

"Spock the guy was pulp!" protested Bones. "And so were you!" he continued "Three broken ribs, 9 separate broken or fractured bones in your hands from _punching_ his head, not to mention your skull fracture!"

"Skull fracture?" asked Jim, concerned for his First Officer.

"All of which have healed perfectly," said Spock shortly.

"OK OK OK before this turns into a bitch-fest again… you used Khan's blood to bring me back from the _dead_?" said Jim incredulously.

"I was able to isolate the particular component which allowed him to regenerate and formulate a serum which I then introduced to your body via IV. We then kept you in an induced coma and kept you under close watch until your cells had regenerated enough to wake you up. The process is still ongoing and may be for a little while, every single cell in your body has had to regenerate itself," Bones explained.

Jim sighed, staring at the ceiling. His body was beginning to ache all over and he could feel tiredness creeping up on him. He stifled a yawn but Spock noticed it.

"Captain, I will leave so that you may get some rest. I am… pleased to see you awake and recovering, I was… concerned," said the half Vulcan, he then touched Jim's shoulder momentarily before standing up and heading to the door of the room.

"Spock."

"Yes Captain?" he turned back to the man in the bed.

"Stop calling me 'Captain' you're driving me crazy," he mumbled sleepily, his eyes slipping closed.

"Very well, I will return to check on your progress later," he said before leaving the room.

"Damn confusing pointy-eared bastard," muttered McCoy, running his small scanner over Jim's body again.

"How long has he been here?" asked Jim, forcing his eyes open.

"He basically hasn't left you the whole time. He's sat in that chair maybe twenty hours a day, for the entire time you've been here. I've never seen anything like it. I've even seen him actually touch you, and not just today. That's pretty unusual for a Vulcan, with the emotional transference and things," said McCoy, shaking his head slightly.

Jim was silent, trying to remember any of the incident in the reactor, but his mind was blank.

"Him and Uhura broke up, a couple weeks back," added Bones, his scanner now paying particular attention to Jim's head again.

"You're not feeling any homicidal or power-mad urges are you?" He asked.

"No more than usual," Jim smiled slightly before becoming serious again. "They broke up? Shit. Who dumped who?"

"I couldn't tell you, it's all been kept on the down low. Uhura has been here to see you too, and Sulu, Chekov, Scotty… even Dr Marcus dropped by once or twice. Everyone thought you were gone for good Jim, even I did. It's very strange to see you talking and moving like a real living human again," said Bones, putting his scanner down on the table.

"I know you're gonna bitch at me for this, but I want you to stay in the hospital at least a few more days. I need to give you a complete physical to see how you're doing, and get a full body scan, but you're so weak I don't think it'd be responsible of me as either your doctor or your friend to let you go home like this. I'm also gonna recommend a minimum calorie intake of 4,000 a day, and as much exercise as you feel comfortable with. You've lost 38 pounds, and we need you back on top form for when the Enterprise is ready for us to ship back out."

"How long until we leave?" asked Jim, pushing himself up into a full sitting position and untangling himself from the blankets.

"A while. They think the repairs could take up to twelve more weeks, so you have plenty of time to get back into top physical condi- whoa! Where are you going?" Bones demanded as Jim lowered his feet onto the floor and stood up shakily.

"For a piss, Bones, is that OK? I'm not making a wild break for freedom or anything," he laughed, scratching the back of his head. He needed a haircut. And a shower.

"Don't fall over, I'll wait right outside the door in case you need me," said the doctor. He knew with Jim's determination now that he was awake there would be no stopping him from doing everything he wanted to do, he just needed to help keep his pain levels under control and help him put back on some weight.

"OK Mom thanks, but I'm a big boy and I'm sure I can take a leak all by myself," said Jim sarcastically, closing the bathroom door in Bones' face.

Jim knew if he had told Bones honestly that he was going to take a shower he wouldn't have let him.

He turned on the shower in the small bathroom and Bones knocked on the door.

"Calm down, I'll only be a minute, I just want a real shower," whined Jim, pulling off his plain white t-shirt and throwing it onto the bathroom floor.

He threw his hospital pyjama bottoms and white boxers to join the shirt and stepped under the flow of warm water, letting out a sigh as it ran down his aching body.

"You alright in there?" called Bones.

"I'm fine," Jim replied, putting his head under the flow of water and standing still for a moment, letting all his thoughts gather, trying to make sense of everything.

He grabbed the small bottle of shower gel on the shelf and popped the top off it, lathering some in his hands and starting to wash his body.

_Damn_ he thought, looking down at the thin frame he barely recognised as his own. His ribs were showing, his six-pack was gone, his legs were like twigs and he was pale, almost as pale as Spock.

A wave of discomfort washed over him and he felt sick for a few seconds, as well as noticing his legs were shaking from supporting his weight for so long. He quickly washed his hair and rinsed off, stepping out of the shower and shutting off the water.

Jim grabbed a towel off the rack and dried off quickly with it before tying it around his waist and walking slowly and carefully out of the bathroom.

"You don't look so good," said Bones, grabbing Jim by the arm and helping him walk to the bed.

"I don't feel so good," Jim mumbled, falling asleep the second his head hit the pillow.


	3. Chapter 2 - What Friends Are For

**Chapter 2 - What Friends Are For**

The following day, after his physical exam and body scan revealed all body systems working near enough normally, Jim managed to sweet talk Bones into releasing him from the hospital early. He'd given him a huge amount of pills to take though, but Jim would rather take pills than be constantly jabbed by Bones' hypo.

"Scotty, thank you so much for getting all my stuff from the ship, you didn't have to do that for me," said Jim as Scotty delivered his holdall to his hospital room where he was waiting to leave.

"Not a problem Cap'n, I don't leave for Scotland until next week so I may aswell come in useful whilst I'm still here besides, tha's what friends are for," he said. He looked nervous. Jim had noticed everyone looked nervous around him, as if they were all afraid he was going to drop down dead. _Again._

"OK you little pain in the ass, you ready now?" grumbled Bones.

"Yeah, just let me throw on some clothes and I'll be good to go," said Jim, rummaging quickly through the bag Scotty had brought to him. He snatched a pair of grey jeans and a clean-ish smelling shirt out of the bag and locked himself in the bathroom to change.

He could hear the two men talking in the room outside the door and he was aware they were talking about him. It was already getting boring. Jim hoped that coming back from the dead would only be interesting for a few weeks, then it would all settle down before the crew were needed back aboard the Enterprise.

"Damn it," muttered Jim as he fastened the button on his jeans. They were his favourite pair and used to fit him perfectly, but now they were far too big, and he'd need a belt to stop them from falling down completely.

He threw his hospital pyjamas into the basket in the corner of the room, grateful to have seen the end of wearing them, and walked back out to meet his two friends.

"You ready slim?" asked Bones and Jim snorted.

"Not slim for long, I'm gonna go home to Iowa and eat a whole cow in burgers," he laughed picking up his bag of stuff from the ship and trying to tell himself that it didn't feel heavy.

The three men started to walk slowly from the room, talking about their plans for their time on Earth.

"Back to bonny Scotland fer' all the Whiskey I can drink, it'll be bloody marvellous," grinned Scotty.

"Try to get my evil ex-wife to let me spend some time with my kid, but other than that probably stick around San Francisco, no real reason to go home," complained Bones. Jim laughed at his negative attitude.

"I'll stay here for a couple days until I feel good to travel, then I'm heading home to Iowa," said Jim as they reached the outside of the hospital. Scotty hailed a cab for them and they climbed in.

"You staying in the Starfleet apartments?" asked Bones after Jim directed the cab driver.

"Yeah, I mean, I don't have anywhere else to go, and the apartments aren't too bad in the short term, at least it's free right?" he shrugged. The limited number of apartments that Starfleet owned offered crew members short-term accommodation while they were planet-side. The apartments were basic, but comfortable enough for a short stay.

"Damn true, I couldn't afford an apartment here, not if I'm never here to spend any time in it. Feels pretty weird that my home is now a gigantic flying structure," said Bones, staring out of the window.

The rest of the relatively short journey was spent in silence, the three men immersed in their own thoughts and staring out of the window, watching the world go by.

Rebuilding work was going on everywhere in San Francisco after the damage the Vengeance had caused when it crashed. Jim shuddered slightly at the thought of Khan and then forced the maniac from his mind.

"Here we go guys," said the cab driver, turning around to collect his fare as they arrived.

"Thanks buddy," said Jim, paying up as Scotty grabbed his bag from the trunk for him.

Jim and Bones approached the desk in the apartment buildings lobby, showing their Starfleet ID. After being told the only currently vacant apartments were on the lower floors, Jim did some sweet-talking. A few minutes later he and Bones grinned to each other as they were handed keys to two apartments on the twentieth floor of the building.

"You want to come up Scotty?" Jim asked the man who was loitering somewhat awkwardly behind them.

"Uh… yeah, why not, see what all the fuss is about," he shrugged stepping into the elevator with Jim and Bones.

Jim closed his eyes as a wave of nausea passed over him, determined to keep acting like he was fine until he could close his apartment door and not have to face anybody.

"Y'alright sir?" asked Scotty and Jim's eyes snapped open.

"Hm? Oh. Yeah. No I'm good, just a little tired."

Bones narrowed his eyes at him like he knew he was lying but said nothing as the lift doors opened onto a clean, bright hallway. The two men found their respective apartments, two doors apart, and let themselves in. Scotty went with Jim, carrying in his bag, whilst Bones went into his own place to call his ex-wife to try and get some time with his daughter.

"Yer' not okay, are you?" asked Scotty as Jim closed the door behind them and pressed his back against it, closing his eyes and exhaling heavily.

"Honestly? No. My head is all over the place."

"Talk to me, I won't tell a soul of yer' troubles," said Scotty in his thick accent. Jim smiled slightly and shook his head as thoughts raced through his mind.

_I died. I shouldn't be here. I'm in love with Spock, who sat at the side of my bed for weeks but vanished as soon as I woke up. I can't tell him. He can never know. It'll ruin everything. I'm being kept alive by the blood of a psychopath who haunts my nightmares. I have to rebuild my ruined body from scratch. No big deal._

"Would it… would it have anythin' to do with what you said to Mr Spock when you were in the warp core?" asked Scotty shyly and Jim opened his eyes to look at the other man.

"What did I say to Spock?"

"You… you don' remember?" Scotty became, if possible, even more awkward.

"Oh fuck Scotty. I didn't, did I?" whined Jim, running his hands through his hair and walking over to the couch, throwing himself down onto it.

"I… well… I didn't hear the whole conversation but, I got the gist o' it. He was cryin' Jim. None of us knew he could even cry. And then he went fucking… batshit crazy! Like on a murderous rampage! I never-"

"Did I tell him… how I feel?" Jim asked in a low voice.

Scotty nodded slowly and Jim buried his face in his hands.

"Did he… did he say anything?"

"No, Jim, he didn't. But he looked shocked, and upset and-"

"Fuck it! I've fucked it all up! Why couldn't I keep my god damn trap shut!?" Jim raged, flinging himself backwards so he was lying on the couch staring at the ceiling.

"In fairness, ye were dyin'," said Scotty, perching on the edge of the couch.

"Look Jim. Yer' secret is safe with me. Nobody else heard what was said, and I couldn't give a tiny rat's arse if yer' gay, straight, whatever! You are still Jim Kirk, hero Captain who saved his whole crew from certain death, including me! Thanks by the way. And I've seen the way he looks at you, the feeling is mutual, I just know it! He dumped Uhura, bless her heart-"

"_He_ dumped _her_? Damn. I thought it would have been the other way around," said Jim, standing up from the couch and starting to pace the room. He'd always imaged Uhura to be the one to wear the trousers in the relationship.

"No. It was about a week after it all happened. She came crying to me and we drank a whole bottle of scotch and put the world to rights. She said she knew it had been comin' for a long while, they'd been fightin' and things hadn't been good."

Jim continued pacing, not saying anything.

"I'd better be off then, it's good to see you walking and talking, I was real worried about you. When you're back to top form we'll have to go out and party to celebrate, I know some crackin' places here," said Scotty, walking towards the door.

"That'd be great," Jim nodded.

"I'll see you soon Scotty, have a great time at home," said Jim, opening the door to let Scotty out of the apartment.

"Take care of yerself, you… mad bastard, and no more dying, my heart cannae take it!" said the Scotsman dramatically and Jim laughed, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

"No more dying, I promise. Take care," he smiled, closing the door behind Scotty and exhaling slowly.

His heart was pounding, he was sweaty and feverish and felt like he could pass out at any moment. Snatching his holdall from the living room floor, Jim rushed into the bedroom, peeling his shirt over his head and throwing it aside carelessly.

"Holy shit," he grimaced as his head throbbed painfully and his body temperature seemed to increase further.

"Computer, lower room temperature by ten degrees," he ordered, stripping off his jeans and throwing those aside too. In just his boxers and now with cold air flooding the room, Jim crawled into the bed, falling instantly into a restless sleep.

* * *

On the other side of the city in a hotel room, Spock was troubled. His meditation did nothing to steady his mind; nothing had been able to help him feel better after what had happened to Jim.

Every time he closed his eyes, he could see Jim dead in front of him. He couldn't do anything to help. He felt… _useless_. Just as he had felt on the day Vulcan was destroyed. Despite the fact that Spock had personally overseen Khan being put back into chryo-tube, he still felt uneasy, concerned that he could harm Jim again.

_"I… I love you Spock. I couldn't have lived without you. I love you." _Jim's last words. He could hear them in his mind, echoing over and over, haunting him.

"Computer, increase room temperature by an additional fifteen degrees," Spock ordered. The heat was almost unbearable, even to him, bit he hoped it would help him find some clarity in his muddled thoughts and emotions. Spock had never felt so… _human_ as he had in the last few weeks.

There was a small knock at the door of his room and he glanced at it. Nobody knew where he was staying, and he had tried to keep it that way. Spock ignored it, remaining sat cross-legged on his meditation mat.

"Spock? Are you there?" a familiar female voice asked through the door.

_Nyota._

He stood up slowly and walked to the door, opening it to reveal Uhura standing in the hallway. She looked nervous, uncomfortable, but concerned at the same time.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"I am perfectly fine Lieutenant Uhura."

"I spoke with Doctor McCoy, he told me you'd been spending extensive periods of time at Jim's bedside, but now he's awake you've avoided seeing him. Why is that?" she asked, stepping past him into the room.

"Wow, Spock, I know you like it warm but this is a little extreme," she mumbled and he narrowed his eyes slightly, closing the door of the room.

"Computer, lower room temperature by fifteen degrees."

The two stared at eachother for a long moment before Uhura spoke again.

"Are you going to answer my question?" she asked and he sighed, walking past her to sit down on the small couch.

"I am… unwell, Nyota. _Ovsot k'oh nar," _he said quietly.

"Complete… emotional vulnerability? Because of Kirk?" she asked and Spock nodded slightly.

"Despite mediation and rest I have found myself unable to regain total control of my emotions. I feel incredibly... _human_ and the feeling is rather disconcerting. I feel as though I am losing myself, unable to overcome the sheer scale of the emotions within."

Uhura looked at him sadly.

"You really do love him don't you?" she asked, sitting beside him carefully.

"I… I do not understand how to express such an emotion correctly."

"No, I know that Spock, remember we did date for a year," she said with a sad smile. Uhura had always hoped it would be her to evoke Spock's human side, to teach him to understand and embrace the emotions that seemed to foreign to him, but she knew several months prior to the end of the relationship that it wasn't to be. Spock was always preoccupied with Kirk.

"When Jim was inside the warp reactor and his life was ending, he looked at me and confessed his own feelings. I said nothing. His life was _ending_ yet I still could not tell him of my feelings. He must have interpreted this as a rejection, he must have been upset by this, emotionally harmed through my lack of actions. I am a… coward," Spock said quietly. Uhura felt her own heart break slightly at what Spock had just told her.

"But you've been given a second chance Spock, to tell him how you feel. You don't have to do it right away but at least go and spend some time with him? He must be confused and scared right now, I'm sure you being there would comfort him a lot." Uhura placed her hand tentatively on Spock's shoulder in what she hoped he would interpret as a comforting gesture.

"I am concerned that I will never develop the ability to contain this… emotion. This feeling, I feel as though it has the ability to destroy me."

"That's love for you," she smiled, giving his shoulder a small squeeze. He looked up at her.

"Did I cause you to feel such pain?"

"Well… a little bit, but it was different. I had known for a while that our relationship wasn't going to last, so I was able to come to terms with it. Don't worry about hurting me. Focus on yourself and focus on Kirk. Everyone who has seen you has noticed you behaving strangely Spock, and we're all worried, we all just want what's best for you, and what's best for Jim."

"Thank you, Nyota," said Spock, the tiniest of grateful smiled flicking across his face.

"No problem, that's what friends are for right?"

* * *

**~A/N~**

**I've decided I'm not too much of a fan of writing Scotty's accent. It's a fine line between writing a load of gibberish that's horrendous to read, or not enough 'Scotty'. Sorry if it's terrible!  
But anyway, yeah. Spock is troubled. Jim is troubled. It's allllllll trouble for our lovely fellas. Stay tuned to find out what happens next! And reviews/faves/follows are love :3**


	4. Chapter 3 - Nightmares

**Chapter 3 - Nightmares**

_The metallic taste of blood filled Jim's mouth; he blinked hard, trying to see clearly. He was lying on his back on a cold metal floor in a dark room, wrists and ankles bound._

_A cold laugh echoed in the large empty space._

_"You're pathetic!" spat Khan, kicking him in the ribs again._

_Jim winced and curled into a ball on the floor, trying to protect himself from any serious damage. He wriggled his wrists, the skin was bloody and torn against the harsh bindings and he could not free himself._

_"Captain James Tiberius Kirk, the famous Starfleet hero. Only alive because of me! Get up," he hissed, grabbing Jim by the throat and pulling him upright, his feet dangled off the floor._

_Jim struggled for breath._

_"I'm going to make you regret living," he growled, dark eyes glinting malevolently in the half-light. _

_He dropped him roughly back onto the floor and Jim crumpled; his legs unable to take his weight._

_With a loud thud, Khan kicked Jim mercilessly in the back, Jim felt a rib break and hissed in pain._

_A tapping sound filled his ears, almost like someone was knocking on the door of the large room._

_"H-hello?" Jim choked out._

_The tapping continued, now slightly louder._

_"Can you hear me?" he yelled, desperate._

_Khan let out a manic laugh._

_"There's no one left to hear you scream," he closed his hands tightly around Jim's throat and everything went black._

Jim lurched bolt upright in bed, gasping for breath. His stomach churned violently and he sprinted to the bathroom just in time to vomit into the toilet.

From the bathroom he heard the strange tapping again, the same sound from the dream. He flushed the toilet and splashed some cold water on his face, quickly rinsing his mouth.

The tapping sounded again and it occurred to him that someone was knocking his apartment door.

Jim walked over to the door and opened it shakily.

"Captain. Is this an inconvenient time?" asked Spock, raising an eyebrow at Jim's attire, or lack of it.

"Spock. No. Uh. Let me find some clothes," Jim shifted awkwardly to the side to allow Spock into the apartment, flicking on the lights and closing the door. It was now dark, but Jim had no idea what the time was or how long he'd been asleep.

Spock walked slowly over to the couch, sitting down and looking around. Jim emerged from the bedroom in a pair of grey sweatpants, still pulling a plain black tee-shirt over his head.

"Captain, you look unwell, perhaps you should contact Dr McCoy and-"

"No Spock I'm fine, I just had a bad dream that's all," sighed Jim, sitting down on the other end of the couch.

"And how many times, we're off duty, _please_ don't call me Captain."

Spock nodded shortly and continued to stare at Jim, his dark eyes piercing into his blue ones.

"What can I do for you?" asked Jim, sighing and running his hands through his sweaty hair. He felt _terrible_. His head was pounding and he still felt sick.

"There is nothing I require from you, I simply wished to ensure that you were settling adequately into your temporary living arrangements."

"You came to check on me?" It was Jim's turn to raise an eyebrow.

"In a manner of speaking, yes, I suppose that is why I am here. I also wished to enquire as to if you required any additional nourishment at this time."

"And to ask if I'm _hungry?"_

"Yes," said Spock, raising an eyebrow at Jim's apparent confusion.

The two men stared at each other for a very long few seconds.

"My apologies, I should not have assumed it would be appropriate for me to arrive unannounced at your quarters, I will leave so that you can continue resti-"

"No. Don't go. Let's go and get something to eat. I'm really hungry, and I could really use your company right now. Just give me two minutes to take a shower," said Jim, shivering slightly in the cold room.

"Uh... wait here?" Jim offered tentatively and Spock nodded.

Remembering Vulcan's preference for warmer temperature than humans, he instructed the computer.

"Computer, raise room temperature by fifteen degrees," he instructed, getting up off the couch and heading to the bathroom.

He quickly stripped and showered, leaving his clothes on the floor once he stepped out of the shower and draping his towel around his waist instead. He walked back into the bedroom to find some clean clothes and paused slightly when he saw the dark haired figure sitting on the edge of his bed.

He blushed pink, not enjoying Spock's eyes on him in only his towel. At least not while he was in such a state.

"You look unwell, Jim," he said sadly.

"I'm fine," he lied quickly, rummaging in his holdall for clean clothes, deciding he should really unpack.

"The last time I witnessed you wearing only a towel in your quarters on the Enterprise you were considerably healthier looking. I am concerned that you are malnourished as I am able to see your bones through your skin, and this is not desirable for a human."

"It's OK Spock; I'm just a little skinny from Bones keeping me in the coma whilst my body was healing. My muscle has wasted because I wasn't using it, but I can get it back, I'm going to get back to the way I was and better, you don't need to worry about me. Anyway, do you mind? I gotta put some clothes on," he hinted, hoping Spock would leave him alone to change in peace.

"Certainly," he said, standing up and leaving the room, closing the door behind him.

Jim sighed and untied the towel from his waist, using it to roughly dry his hair which still needed cutting. He pulled on a fresh pair of black boxers, blue jeans and a worn out white tee-shirt, grabbing his leather jacket from the back of his chair and throwing it on.

He quickly brushed his teeth in the bathroom, his mouth still not tasting great from when he had thrown up after his nightmare.

"Alrighty then, let's go. What kind of food should we go for? I kinda want pizza," said Jim, patting his rumbling stomach.

"I have never eaten this 'pizza', though I am aware it is not usually acceptable for vegans due to the presence of cheese."

"Uh… I know a place that will make you a vegan pizza if you want to try it?" offered Jim as they walked out of the apartment.

"That would be agreeable."

The two men were silent in the elevator and as they left the building, turning left once they got outside and walking towards the main street of restaurants and bars.

"Since when did you try other food?" asked Jim, looking at Spock suspiciously.

"I have become aware that I am limiting myself by only following Vulcan culture. I am, in fact, half human as you are aware, so I see no harm in embracing this to a certain degree. Trying new things is part of being human, and I am not going against any Vulcan laws," he said, shrugging slightly.

_Spock. Embracing his human side. _

Jim thought he'd died all over again and woken up in a crazy alternate universe.

The men walked for another few minutes, making small talk and occasionally eye-contact until they reached the place Jim had suggested.

True to his word they made vegan pizza, he and Spock grabbed a table over in the corner and started to inspect the menu.

"Oh man, they do curly fries. I could just swim in curly fries!" said Jim excitedly.

Spock peered over his menu at Jim and raised his eyebrow, before looking back down at the menu. Jim could practically hear him saying 'that would be highly illogical,' and he smirked to himself.

"You want to split a pizza? I mean, I don't think I could eat a whole one, not with curly fries and a giant chocolate shake too. I'll even eat the vegan pizza just for you," he smiled, but his blue eyes didn't smile, they were almost grey and Spock had noticed.

"That would be agreeable."

Jim let Spock choose the toppings for the pizza, seeing as he'd eat just about anything, and they ordered from the young server who seemed to be completely fascinated by Spock.

"I think she liked you," Jim laughed as she walked away.

"She merely displayed curiosity as she was clearly unfamiliar with the physical characteristics of my species. I do not believe that would cause her to like me in any way. That would be highly illogical."

They fell into silence for a few minutes until the server brought over their drinks.

"Thanks," Jim nodded with a small smile.

"Damn I haven't had a real chocolate shake in forever, I mean, one that isn't replicated," he said, taking a slurp of the thick beverage through the straw and grinning.

"Wow."

He went back for more. Full lips closing around the straw in a way Spock couldn't ignore. Unable to tear his eyes away, Spock watched as Jim seemingly deliberately let the straw slip from his lips, before catching it and circling his tongue around it provocatively, a slight mischievous glint in his blue eyes.

There was absolutely no logical reason to use so much emphasis when drinking from a straw, but Spock was fixated. He couldn't help but picture those full lips circling something quite different.

"You alright?" asked Jim with a small laugh, looking up at Spock who was staring, fixated at him, eyes darker than usual.

"I am well," he said shortly, glancing down at the table before looking back up to Jim.

"How is your condition?" he asked, looking at Jim with a very serious expression on his face. Spock knew something was troubling him.

"I'm… I'm doing alright. I'm still in a little pain here and there, and I keep getting these weird hot flushes and sick feelings, but other than that I'm OK. Oh, and the nightmares," he said, eyes refusing to meet Spock's through fear they would give him away.

"Nightmares?" enquired Spock.

"I keep seeing Khan in my head, and it's usually unpleasant. I had a dream earlier where he was… torturing me," said Jim quietly, his eyes flicking up to Spock but then back down at the table.

"Have you spoken with Dr McCoy regarding this?"

"No… I don't really want to. He'll probably just get me psychologically evaluated. He already suggested I see a therapist after my whole death thing to try and get over it. I don't feel like there's much to get over. I'm still here aren't I? I mean, to me it isn't traumatic. I don't remember it and I'd like to keep it that way." Jim took another sip of his milkshake and stretched his legs under the table, careful not to kick Spock in the process.

Spock looked at him carefully across the table, Jim could see deep emotion in his eyes but he couldn't decide if it was sadness or anger.

"I also have 'nightmares' as you call them, however my nightmares are very different. In mine, I must watch you die in the warp reactor, over and over again whilst I can do nothing to help you. It is… difficult. I have not been achieving my required amount of sleep due to this. Whilst you were in the hospital I found it comforting to remain by your side for as much time as possible to remind myself that you were in fact, alive. Perhaps you would benefit from seeing that Khan is in no position to hurt either yourself or anyone else?" Spock suggested.

Jim stared at him, wide-eyed at what he had just said.

_I have nightmares. I must watch you die over and over again whilst I can do nothing to help you. It is… difficult._

"Spock… shit… I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was stressing you out so much. I didn't realise you actually watched me… you know… go," he trailed off and Spock nodded slightly.

"I would prefer if we do not speak of it further at this time."

"Yeah, of course," said Jim softly. He wanted to reach his hand across the table and lace his fingers with Spock's, tell him everything would be alright, but he didn't.

There was an awkward silence for a few moments until Jim's stomach growled loudly and he laughed. Spock raised an eyebrow and the corner of his lip twitched up in what Jim swore was a small smirk.

"Well, I'm still hungry," he smiled.

"It would seem that is about to change," said Spock, looking at something behind Jim's head.

"Oh wow," he grinned as their food was placed on the table in front of them. The pizza was ridiculously huge, there was no way they would finish it all.

Jim dove right into his curly fries, smothering them in ketchup.

"Nnnffohmygoshsogood," he said through a mouthful of food and Spock's eyebrow went up once again. Jim seemed to be getting good at making him do that.

"Sorry," he smiled, swallowing his food and starting to eat like less of a savage, picking up his knife and fork.

Spock cut himself a small piece of pizza and impaled it on his fork, sniffing it cautiously before putting it in his mouth, chewing it and swallowing. He looked like he _hated_ it. Jim smirked.

"Not good?"

"It is certainly… different."

"Good different or bad different?"

"The mixture of tastes is certainly… interesting, though I do not believe this meal will become a regular occurrence in my diet," said Spock, cutting himself another neat little piece of pizza.

Jim laughed. "I missed you Spock. It's good to see you."

Jim had never seen anyone eat pizza so neatly. It took every ounce of his self control not to just pick up a slice and shovel it into his mouth. He was pleasantly surprised that the vegan cheese on this pizza was almost as good as the real thing and the overall taste was pretty good.

They both ate in silence for a while, until Jim had almost finished his entire half of the pizza. He put his knife and fork down and groaned.

"I'm so full," he whined, rubbing his stomach.

Spock smirked that tiny smirk across the table.

"Oh is that funny?" Jim asked.

"It is… amusing."

"Pointy-eared bastard," Jim muttered, taking another sip of his milkshake.

Spock put down his knife and fork and Jim looked at him.

"You're done?" he asked and Spock nodded. He had only eaten about half of his food.

"You didn't eat much."

"Vulcan metabolisms are significantly more efficient than that of a human. In simple terms, I do not need to eat as much."

Jim nodded. "Gotcha."

Jim insisted on paying for their meal, and they started walking back towards the Starfleet apartments.

"Where are you staying anyway?" he asked Spock.

"Closer to the centre of the city," he said vaguely.

"Then surely by walking me home, you're walking the wrong way?"

"It is not an inconvenience. It merely increases my walking time by fourteen point six minutes."

Jim's head throbbed painfully and he felt his body temperature creeping up. He stumbled whilst walking an unintentionally grabbed Spock's arm to steady himself.

Thoughts that weren't his own rushed into his head, feeling that weren't his own flooded his body. He wrenched his hand away from Spock who was now staring at him.

"Might I ask if you could kindly-"

"Refrain from touching you? Yep. Got it," nodded Jim, blinking to try and clear his vision which was becoming strangely dark.

"Captain?" he heard Spock ask but he couldn't respond. He ran his hands over his face and through his hair, rubbing his head, trying to get his mind to think clearly but it wasn't working.

"Jim?"

"Spock I don't feel so-" he slumped forwards and Spock caught him, lifting him effortlessly as if he was a small child.

Spock carefully hoisted Jim so he was carrying him over one shoulder is a sort of fireman's lift, before pulling his communicator from his pocket.

"Spock to Dr McCoy."

There was a pause and then a loud groan from the communicator.

"What do you want at this hour? Christ! Green-blooded hobgoblin…" he growled.

"Captain Kirk is… unwell. I am bringing him back to his quarters, are you able to meet us there?"

"Jeez, he's a pain in my ass. Sure Spock I'll meet you there, I'm staying just down the hall from him. How far away are you?"

"I estimate we will arrive in approximately five point three minutes."

"Can't you just say five minutes? Why can't you ever just... urgh! OK. I'll see you in five. Bye."

Spock carried Jim's unconscious form carefully all the way back to his apartment building. The girl on the reception desk gave him a puzzled look as he walked to the elevator.

"Your friend have a little too much to drink?" she asked, smiling nervously.

"Indeed," said Spock, deciding that was a much simpler explanation.

The elevator doors opened and Spock stepped inside, repositioning Jim's limp body so he was holding him bridal style.

The doors opened at the twentieth floor and Spock stepped out, met by McCoy in the hallway.

"Damn. A little early for you to be carrying him over the threshold don't you think?" Bones smirked.

"I am unclear on the meaning of-"

"Forget it Spock it's a human joke. Let's get him inside." McCoy used his medical override code to grant them entry to Jim's apartment and Spock carried Jim over to his bed, gently placing him down.

McCoy looked over him carefully, pulling a small scanning device from his pocket and scanning, particularly around his head.

"Exhaustion," he grumbled. "He's just been doing too much, I can't see anything medically wrong with him other than a low body temperature. Has he mentioned feeling cold at all?"

"He has mentioned feeling warm, and he looked rather… flushed when I arrived earlier this evening. He has not mentioned feeling cold."

"Well, he's cold now, bordering on bad kinda cold. His body seems to be struggling to regulate temperature. Pass me that extra blanket over there?"

Spock nodded and grabbed the blanket from the shelf behind him, handing it to Bones. The apartment was already warm so he didn't raise the room temperature.

"You could stay with him and spoon? That'd help warm him up," Bones chuckled, tucking his scanner back in his pocket and throwing the extra blanket over Jim, pulling it right up to his chin.

"Spoon? What is this? I believed a spoon to be an item of cutlery used whilst consuming a meal."

"_Spooning_ is when two humans cuddle, both laying on their side and slightly curved, like two spoons fitting together. It's normally after sex or whilst sleeping. I think you'd make a nice little spoon for our Jim here," Bones smirked and Spock raised both eyebrows dangerously.

"As I am taller than the Captain, I believe that _I_ would in fact be the larger spoon."

Not the response Bones had expected.

"You've clearly given that some thought," he laughed, walking towards the bedroom door.

"Actually, I have not, though if the Captain would benefit from my body warmth I would of course share it if this was of benefit to his health or comfort."

"I'm sure he'd benefit from more than your body warmth…" mumbled Bones, smirking to himself.

Spock chose to ignore the comment.

A whimpering noise from the bed alerted the two men to Jim stirring slightly in his sleep. He shivered and pulled the blankets tightly around himself.

"He's freezing Spock, go spoon," Bones laughed, leaving the apartment and closing the door behind him.

Jim's blue eyes peeked out at Spock, silently asking the question. Spock raised an eyebrow.

"It would benefit my health and my comfort," said Jim quietly, quoting what Spock had said earlier.

Spock sighed slightly, looking down at Jim who shivered again and closed his eyes.

He looked so ill, so weak and Spock felt very sorry for him, though he would never admit he felt that.

A few minutes later a half-asleep Jim was vaguely aware of a very warm body joining his under the blankets. He smiled into the pillow as an awkward arm snaked around his waist and held him close.

"You're like a living radiator," he murmured sleepily.

"A Vulcan's body temperature is significantly higher than that of a human," Spock said softly.

"Captain, I should also make you aware that I do not intend this gesture to be mis-interpreted as an act of emotional weakness or a romantic offering. I am simply assisting you with the regulation of your body temperature."

"Mhm. Got it," Jim tried to hide the disappointment in his voice.

"I should also remind you that Vulcan's are touch telepaths, and although my full telepathic abilities are not functional without skin to skin contact, I _am_ able to detect your emotions. Why do you feel disappointment?"

Jim thought carefully for a moment about how to answer to back out of the situation, but he knew he couldn't. Spock _knew_ about his feelings, and if he felt the same, this would be the perfect chance to act on it. But he wasn't acting on it. Spock clearly didn't feel the same. He swallowed the lump in his throat and pretended to be asleep.

"I know you are not asleep," said Spock quietly after a few minutes and Jim opened his eyes, turning over suddenly to face the other man, Spock shifted back a few inches and sat up.

"Spock… I know what I said to you when I was in the reactor, when I was dying. I appreciate that as my friend you want to help me feel better, but you should probably either go home or sleep on the couch. You know my feelings, you obviously don't feel the same, and you know that you sleeping in my bed with me is only going to fuck with my head. I… I can't handle being rejected by you," said Jim, trying to hide his shivering now that Spock's body heat was no longer helping him stay warm.

Spock stared at Jim long and hard, considering his options and what would be the logical decision to make. Jim shivered violently, but his piercing blue eyes continued to stare Spock down, almost like he was challenging him.

"I must apologise in advance, but I cannot allow you to sleep alone when you are unable to effectively regulate your body temperature, this could be detrimental to your health in your current sensitive state," he said and Jim looked confused.

"I'm not _sensitive._ I just asked you to leave, because this is going to mess with my feelings. Do I have to make it an order?" he asked, trying to sit up, ready to try and assert his authority despite the fact he had no strength in his body and felt like he'd just spent a year on Delta Vega wearing nothing but a mankini.

"I am sorry," said Spock, his face forming a small, apologetic smile before his hand found its way to the point where Jim's neck and shoulder merged.

"Spock don't you d-"

Spock pinched and Jim was out like a light, head lolling to the side.

"I am sorry," he whispered again.

He was so worried about Jim. Despite the doctor being unable to find anything physically wrong with him, instinctively Spock knew something was very wrong, he had never seen Jim so weak and so erratic in his behaviour. One minute he was fine, the next minute he was passing out. It pained Spock to see him in such a state.

"Computer, lights off," said Spock, not even lowering his voice as he didn't need to with Jim under the affects of the nerve pinch. He would be unconscious for hours.

In the darkness Spock gently rolled his Captain onto his side, curling up behind him, his arm snaking around his waist and holding him close. He briefly touched the bare skin of his forearm. It was cold, even by human standards, and despite his unconscious state Jim continued to shiver slightly.

"What's wrong with you Jim? What can I do to fix it?" whispered Spock, lightly running his fingertips along Jim's forearm.

"You can try not nerve pinching me you pointy-eared bastard," muttered Jim in the darkness.

"You should be unconscious," froze Spock, retracting his hand from Jim's arm immediately.

"I guess my magical healing blood makes me immune to your little trick."

"I apologise. I should not have-."

"Just shut up and go to sleep Spock, and keep out of my thoughts or I'll… uh… beat you up," he threatened weakly.

"I have three times the strength of a human, I find the prospect of you 'beating me up' quite unlikely," smirked Spock, recalling the last time they had come to blows.

"That time on the bridge when you choked me? That didn't count. I didn't want to hit you back in front of your dad and embarrass you." Jim exhaled heavily.

The two men fell into silence, the only sound their deep, slow breathing. After a few minutes Jim finally fell asleep, his whole body relaxing in Spock's arms.

Spock closed his own eyes and nuzzled his face into the back of Jim's neck, placing a light kiss there, something he had wanted to do for a very long time.

"Sleep well, Jim."

~A/N~  
Aww, some fluffyness :3 And a looooonngass chapter! Didn't realise it was quite this long until I copy-pasted it across from Word.

Thanks so much for all the reviews, faves, follows! Keep them coming, it really does mean a lot to me:)


	5. Chapter 4 - Archer

**~A/N~**

**Squueee! Over 100 follows now, thank you lovelies! :) And a big thanks for all my lovely reviews, so kind of you to take your time to write them!**

As I think I might have mentioned before, I've messed with the timeline a little bit to allow me to write Archer as their Admiral... with Pike being dead and all I wanted to write someone I was actually more familiar with, sorry if this bothers you, but I'm a big **_Enterprise_**** fan and I prefer writing people I'm familiar with. I doubt it WILL be a problem, but yeah, just saying.**

I'm writing a few chapters ahead and I'm just LOVING how this story is shaping up. In the next few chapter there's drama, angst, fluffyness, and all other wonderful things :D

Anyway, I'll shut up, or stop typing, and you can carry on reading the actual story!  
Big love! -What'sHerName

**Chapter Four - Archer**

Spock woke up slowly, dark eyes peeking open and then slamming closed again at the bright sunlight filling the room. He lay still for a few seconds before opening his eyes again and sitting up.

He was alone in the bed.

He stood up and walked into the lounge/kitchen area of the apartment, but Jim was nowhere to be seen. Just as he was about to go back to the bedroom to get his communicator, Spock noticed a note on the counter with his name on it.

_Spock,_

_Gone to get a haircut and talk to Bones, back later _

_– Jim_

Spock read the note a few times before placing it back on the counter and glancing at the clock on the wall. He'd slept a long time, much longer than he usually would but he felt good for it.

Just as he was deciding what to do next, the apartment door opened and Jim walked in, wearing workout clothes and looking slightly flushed.

"Morning," he said, sounding almost nervous.

Spock nodded at him, not saying anything, but his eyes scanned the Captain. He noticed his hair, now cut and looking back to its best. He noticed the slight sheen of sweat on Jim's face, the otherworldly blue eyes, the way his lips moved as he spoke…

"How are you today?" Jim's voice dragged Spock from his thoughts.

"I am well. Did you speak with Doctor McCoy regarding your health?"

"I did. He said he still can't find anything wrong with me, but it could be some form of delayed shock to all the trauma my body has been through. He suggested I rest, but I'm getting sick of rest so I've hit the gym, it felt great to actually do something,"

"Is physical exertion advisable given your current unpredictable health?"

"Wow jeez Spock, talk about putting a downer on it! Yeah. It's fine. I'm really OK and I didn't do so much that I couldn't handle it, you don't need to worry about me," he said, trying to come across as sincere but sounding almost exasperated, as if he were a teenager telling their parent not to worry. Jim crossed the room and picked up the small bag containing all the pills he was supposed to take on a daily basis until Bones told him to stop. He took a few from each jar and put the bag back down on the counter.

The Captain's communicator bleeped in his pocket and he removed it, flipping it open.

"Kirk here," he said, eyes on Spock, who stared right back at him.

"Captain Kirk, Admiral Archer."

Spock's eyes narrowed slightly in confusion, and Jim looked nervous.

"Sir. What can I do for you?" he asked, trying to sound both friendly and professional.

"Grace me with your presence in my office? One hour."

"Yes Sir," said Kirk, swallowing hard. _He knew this was coming. He couldn't avoid it any longer._

"Are you by any chance presently in the company of your First Officer?"

"I am indeed Sir."

"Good. Bring him along too, and your CMO. We have a lot to discuss." Jim couldn't tell if Archers tone suggested they were in trouble or not.

"Yes Admiral. We'll see you in an hour. Kirk out."

"Thank you Captain."

Kirk closed his communicator and exhaled heavily. He'd spent his whole time at Starfleet hearing stories of this notorious Admiral.

"I'm dead. He's going to fucking… disembowel me!"

"Captain, I find that to be an extremely unlikely outcome. I am sure the Admiral has heard of your recovery and simply wishes to discuss-"

"Discuss _what_ Spock? He's going to fire me. I did everything wrong on the ship that day. If I had done my job correctly nobody would have died and-"

"If I may interrupt, Captain," Spock cut in.

"Well you already have, so go ahead." Jim glared daggers at the Vulcan.

"You gave everything that you could have given, including your own life, to save the ship and the crew. Your actions are sure to bring you high praise, not a dismissal from Starfleet. Your worrying is illogical."

Kirk continued glaring, but couldn't think of a good response.

"You're… illogical," he glared and Spock smirked.

"Don't you smirk at me! Go and get Bones, tell him to get dressed in his smarts, we need to go see Archer."

Jim rushed into the bathroom to shower whilst Spock went to Bones' apartment to let him know. Fortunately Bones had already showered and he only had to change into his dress uniform.

When Spock walked back into Jim's apartment he found him half dressed in his dark blue/grey formal uniform, frantically towel drying his hair.

"Hurry up, get ready," he said to Spock, panicked.

"I would suggest you relax. We have ample time to-"

"Shut up and get in the shower!" Jim cried. Spock smirked at him, gaining himself another death glare, before heading into the bathroom to take a very quick shower.

"Jim? You ready yet?" called Bones as he let himself into the apartment.

"Damn it Bones, my uniform is enormous on me! Look!" whined Jim and Bones stifled his laugh.

Jim's uniform was about three sizes too big, hanging off his slender frame.

"Not a lot we can do about that now. Archer'll understand," shrugged Bones and Jim swore exasperatedly before throwing himself down on the couch to wait for Spock.

Around five minutes later the First Officer emerged from the bedroom looking immaculate as usual. Jim couldn't help but glance at his butt in his tight dress uniform pants as the three men left the apartment.

Forty minutes later the three men were waiting outside Admiral Archer's office. His secretary had gone into the office to let him know they had arrived. Jim and Bones were nervous, but Spock maintained his usual stoic expression and straight stance with his hands behind his back, giving nothing away.

"Damn it Jim, I can hear your heart pounding from here. Calm. Down!" hissed Bones.

"I'm sorry, I'm so nervous I-" The office door slid open.

"Gentlemen, if you would kindly follow me," said the secretary with a smile.

Bones and Jim didn't move, neither of them wanting to go first. Spock walked in front of them and Jim gave him a small smile, thanking him silently then following him into the room, Bones behind him.

Admiral Jonathan Archer was a reasonably elderly man, one of the oldest serving Starfleet admirals. His office was decorated with certificates of commendation, and his uniform decorated with various medals. Jim couldn't help notice the dog sleeping in a basket in the corner, a Beagle by the looks of it.

The three crewmen of the Enterprise stood to attention in front of his desk as the Admiral looked on.

"Thanks Sally," he smiled to the secretary. "Could you grab me a coffee please? Anyone else want a drink?" he offered.

"Water, please Sir," asked Jim quietly.

Spock shook his head slightly and Bones muttered a 'no thank you Sir'.

"It's great to finally meet you three. Dr McCoy, I assume?" he offered his hand to Bones who shook it.

"Yes Sir. Pleasure to meet you."

"Mr Spock," said the Admiral. He didn't offer his hand to Spock, knowing that the Vulcan wouldn't shake it.

"Admiral Archer," Spock nodded politely.

"And the man of the hour, Captain James Tiberius Kirk," he said, his light brown eyes locking onto Kirk's blue ones.

"Admiral Archer Sir, it's a pleasure to meet you," Kirk shook hands with the Admiral, noticing the way his eyes traced over him.

"Your uniform is looking a little large son," he chuckled and Jim shifted slightly.

"I've recently lost a… considerable amount of weight and I haven't yet had time to get my uniform adjusted Sir, my apologies for-"

"No, no, don't apologise. Please sit, at ease gentlemen," he beckoned to the three chairs in front of the desk, placed there specifically for the meeting.

The secretary came back in with the Admirals coffee and Jim's water, then left the room closing the door behind her.

"So, you're probably wondering why I've called you all down here today," said Archer, leaning back in his chair slightly. Jim gave a slight nod.

"Dr Leonard McCoy, it is my understanding what you became Chief Medical Officer of the Enterprise after the previous Doctor was killed in action during the conflict with the Narada."

"That is correct Sir," nodded Bones.

"How do you find it?"

"I-" Bones was obviously taken aback by the question and glanced at Jim momentarily. "I really enjoy it Sir, more than I thought I could ever enjoy any job," he said honestly. Archer nodded with a small smile.

"In your report after this whole Khan incident, you list fifty-seven crewmembers killed in action, the majority through hull breach, but a few due to explosions, phaser fire or catastrophic injuries sustained as the ship's gravity systems failed."

Jim felt like the bottom of his stomach had dropped out. Nobody had told him so many of the crew had died. _Fifty-seven._ He felt tears burning at his eyes but forced them back.

"Yes Sir."

"Including, James T. Kirk." Archer pulled up the report on a PADD, showing it to the three men.

"James T. Kirk – cause of death stated as radiation poisoning and catastrophic internal haemorrhaging. Mr Kirk, I note here that this report says you entered the _warp reactor_ of your ship? And you also knocked out your own Chief Engineer so that he couldn't stop you?" Archer looked between Jim and Bones. Jim tried to swallow but the lump in his throat only grew.

_This is it. My career is over. They're going to declare me unfit and give the ship to Spock_ he thought to himself.

"Yes, Sir, I did. I only knocked Scotty out for his own protection so he couldn't try to stop me, and I only went into the core to save the ship and my crew. I did what needed to be done, and if faced with the same situation again, I'd do the same thing," said Jim, finding confidence from somewhere. Spock glanced at him to see his blue eyes ablaze with an emotion he didn't quite understand.

Archer stared at him for a few moments before continuing.

"Dr McCoy, you were then able to revive Mr Kirk with an experimental serum? I understand this to have been made from the blood of the man – Khan – captured by Mr Spock?"

"Yes Sir, that's correct," nodded Bones.

"That was an incredibly-" Jim tried to anticipate the next word. _Foolish. Idiotic. Moronic. Stupid. _"Brilliant thing you did there. Truly ingenious. For that, Starfleet would like to award you with this commendation for exceptional progress in medical science." For the first time since they entered the room, the Admiral really smiled. He handed Bones a certificate neatly bound into a scroll and the Doctor accepted with a slightly trembling hand.

"I- wow, really? For me? Thank you Sir, but I was just doin' my job."

"Congrats Bones," said Jim, hand clapping him on the shoulder.

"You certainly deserve it," smiled Archer across the desk.

Bones was positively _grinning_.

"Doctor, congratulations and thank you for your service to Starfleet. You're dismissed for now. My apologies for this whole thing being done privately and not giving you a big ceremony, but this seemed to make more sense given the current circumstances and the media circus still surrounding Starfleet after everything that has transpired."

Bones shook Archer's hand, stammering another thank you before leaving the room.

Jim took a sip of his water.

"Mr Spock. You captured a highly dangerous war criminal, at great personal risk to yourself. The capture was recorded by one of our surveillance drones and I must say I wouldn't like to ever piss you off," smiled Archer.

"I wasn't aware there was footage of the event, Sir," said Jim. What he really meant by that was 'please, please, pretty please with sugar on top can we watch this footage?'

"Here," said the Admiral, handing Kirk his PADD which was now showing the clip.

Spock and Khan were fighting on top of a transport ship. Kirk felt his stomach churn slightly as he watched Khan kick Spock to the edge of the ship, his legs dangling into the abyss below. Khan leapt onto a ship below and Spock followed him without hesitation, falling more than ten storeys and landing hard on the ship below. Without pausing Spock charged at Khan, landing a very effective punch to his head, causing him to fall to the ground. Spock straddled Khan's chest, punching his head repeatedly and without mercy. There was no sound on the recording but Jim could see Spock's mouth open in a cry of rage.

Uhura materialised behind Spock and was screaming something at him. Spock stopped punching and Khan was stunned with a phaser, Spock then kicking his unconscious form just for good measure before binding his wrists with a restraint handed to him by Uhura.

The clip ended and Jim handed back the PADD, trying to hide his shocked expression from what he had just watched.

"Going down there after him was putting yourself at great risk. He could have torn you apart with nothing but his bare hands, and Jim, going in that reactor and sacrificing yourself to save your crew and your ship. Both of you have gone above and beyond your call of duty." Archer paused, surveying the two men before him.

"Mr Spock, for your exceptional bravery and assistance in capturing the war criminal Khan, Starfleet would like to present you with this," he removed from his desk drawer a small silver coloured medal with a blue ribbon attached. Jim recognised what it was immediately. It was Kelvin Award, a Starfleet medal awarded to officers who had exhibited bravery and courage in the face of danger.

Spock stood up and allowed the Admiral to walk around from behind the desk and pin it to his chest.

"Congratulations Son, great job," he said. Spock did something which surprised both the Admiral and Jim, and held out his hand to the Admiral. Archer shook it firmly, giving him a warm smile and Spock gave a very small smile in return.

"Thank you, Admiral, I am honoured by this commendation."

"It's my pleasure. You're dismissed Commander," he smiled and Spock turned and left the room.

Archer sat back down and looked across his desk at Jim.

"Is this the part where you fire me? Or demote me and give Spock my ship?" the young Captain asked bitterly.

"Neither of those things are going to happen, hell, I threw my weight behind you so we don't even have to formally debrief you. Nobody wants to put you through that. Are you alright Son?" he asked quietly. Jim considered lying, but Archer seemed like the kind of guy who'd pick up on his bullshit fairly quickly.

"I think I will be eventually. It's been a really rough few days since I woke up, and I didn't know about the fifty-seven crewmen until just now, I mean I knew there were casualties I just didn't know how many. I… I feel terrible," he said, looking at the floor of Archer's office.

"I know how you feel, it's the same as I felt the first time I lost someone under my command. You feel like you should have protected them, you could have done things differently and they would have lived, or even a few more of them would have lived. The guilt is not easy to overcome, but you _will_ overcome it. Admiral Pike always spoke extremely highly of you, he told me that there is greatness in you, and I believe him. You did something that only one Starfleet Captain has ever done before and I think we both know who I'm talking about here. You gave your own life so that others would survive."

"James Tiberius Kirk, it is my great pleasure to present you with this," the Admiral removed a small flat black box from his desk drawer and handed it across the desk to Jim who opened the lid somewhat hesitantly.

"The George Kirk Award," said the Admiral as Jim looked at the medal. It wasn't one that he was familiar with seeing, in fact, he had never heard of it. It was gold, with a red and gold ribbon.

"You are the first officer to ever receive this award, and as this award is usually given posthumously, you will probably be the only living officer to ever receive it. It is an award for self-sacrifice, bravery in the face of certain death, for saving your ship and your crew despite paying the ultimate price. It seems only fitting you are the first to receive it. I knew your father Jim, and he would be so proud of you." Jim tried to blink away his tears but he couldn't. It was almost like everything that happened caught up to him at once. Warm tears spilled from his eyes and he struggled not to actually _sob_.

"Thank you, Sir," whispered Jim, all his voice would give him was a whisper.

"Thank _you_ Jim. You saved the ship, the crew, and by doing so and allowing Khan to be stopped, you saved countless other lives."

"It wasn't just me Sir, or Bones or Spock. Uhura, Scotty, Chekov and Sulu. They were all a huge part of what happened, and everyone aboard the Enterprise performed admirably. I would be nothing without my crew," he said, staring at the floor. He just wished he could stop fucking _crying._

There was silence for a few moments. Jim stared at the floor, wiping the tears from his face with the back of one hand.

"You've got a long road to being fully recovered. This whole ordeal is going to take you some time to get over, and not just physically, I mean emotionally. Nobody can comprehend what's happened to you. I'd recommend you use this time wisely, spend it with those close to you. You have family to stay with?"

Jim shook his head.

"Not on Earth Sir. My Mother is off-planet. I have Grandparents in Wales, my father's parents, but we aren't close. My brother and I don't speak."

Archer nodded in understanding.

"That First Officer you've got there. He holds you in very high regard, I can see that just from meeting you both once. Vulcan's can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but they also make fantastic companions. Perhaps you could spend some time with him and the Doctor whilst you're here?"

"Yes Sir," Jim nodded. His tears had stopped and he wiped his face with the back of his hand one last time.

"You alright Son?" Archer asked; genuine concern on his face. Jim had no idea why people seemed to be so afraid of him.

Jim nodded.

"You can leave now Captain Kirk, and I'm ordering you to go and get a burger and some ice-cream, you look like you could use it. And if you need anything, just let me know," he smiled and Jim gave him a weak smile in return.

Jim knew exactly where he was going, and it wasn't for food.


	6. Chapter 5 - Drowning

**~A/N~  
Well... since I had so many lovely reviews on the last chapter, I thought I could give you guys one more a little earlier than I planned to :D  
Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed/followed/faved this story, I've never had a reaction anywhere CLOSE to this size on anything I've ever written before and it really is kind of overwhelming! Just FYI I don't have a beta reader on this, so if any mistakes have slipped through my own eagle eye (or my spell check) then I'm really sorry!**

**Aaaaanyywaayy... commence the angsty emo-tantrum of James T. Kirk!**

Loves ya!

**Chapter Five - Drowning**

The alcohol no longer burned his throat as it slid down, he'd had far too much to still be able to feel it.

_Fifty-seven men and women. Why should he deserve to live if he was the reason they died?_

He signalled the bartender to bring him another.

"Thanks," he said weakly, swirling the golden liquid in his glass around before throwing it back in one. He set the empty glass down next to the other six in front of him and stared at the bar.

He knew he couldn't walk; his legs probably wouldn't take his weight if he tried to leave now anyway. The bar was busy, a lot of Starfleet personnel were there, but thankfully Jim hadn't seen anyone he recognised. Yet.

A very attractive girl sat next to him, getting the bartender's attention and placing her order.

"Hey, can I get two shots of Romulan ale, a Cardassian sunrise, and… another shot of Jack for Mr sulky over here," she said, looking carefully at Jim.

He looked up at her and she gasped slightly.

"James… Kirk," she whispered.

"What's the matter darlin'? You look like you've seen a ghost," he said darkly.

"I had no idea you were here, Captain. I'm so sorry, I wouldn't have called you 'Mr sulky' if I'd realised who you were I'm… Lora," she said, smiling slightly.

"Lora. Nice to meet you," said Jim unenthusiastically. He didn't mean to be rude to the poor girl, but he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. His communicator beeped in his pocket again and he pulled it out and glanced at it before disconnecting the incoming communication and shoving it back in his pocket.

She was a very attractive girl, exactly the kind of girl Jim would usually have gone for. Tall, but still shorter than him and athletically built, but still retaining her feminine curves. Her long blonde hair was slightly wavy and she pushed it back off her face, giving him a clear view of her pretty green eyes and the light freckles across her cheeks.

"How are you? I mean… after… you know, everything?" she asked nervously, clearly unsure of how to speak to him or what to talk about.

"I'm alright. Just, y'know, drinking myself into oblivion because I'm in such a great mood," he said, unable to stop himself from smiling slightly at his sarcastic comment.

She half-smiled and thanked the bartender as he brought over the drinks she had ordered.

"I need to take these back to my friends, and I'm getting the vibe you aren't in the mood to talk, so I won't come back and bother you again. I'm glad you survived James, it would have been an awful shame if you hadn't. You did an amazing thing by saving your ship in the way you did, it was very brave," she said, lightly touching his forearm.

He looked deep into her eyes and could see she was genuine. She was so young and innocent; he could see that in her eyes too.

"This may be way out of line, but how do you feel about maybe taking this party someplace quieter?" he asked, placing his large hand over her smaller one. She looked surprised.

"I… Really?" she asked.

"Yeah, but you know, if that's inappropriate please feel free to slap me real hard in the face and walk away," he smiled, downing his shot of Jack.

She took a sip from her cocktail and smiled.

"Let me just tell my friends," she smiled, walking away with the drinks. Jim stared at her shapely ass in her dress as she walked away.

_She's not Spock, but I can't stand to be alone tonight._

Jim managed to get in one more shot of Jack before Lora returned, her cocktail glass empty and her eyes looking slightly out of focus.

"Are you drunk, Miss Lora?" he asked, smirking as he carefully stood up.

"Not as drunk as you, Mr Captain," she giggled, taking his hand as they left the bar together.

"Let's grab a bottle of something and go back to my place, there's a liquor store down the street," said Jim, being careful to try and not slur his words.

"Ah... shit," he realised aloud and she gave him a puzzled look.

"What's the matter?" she asked, her arm snaking around his back.

"We can't go to my place, I'm being watched like a hawk by my cranky bitch of a doctor. Do you know anywhere… else we could go?" he said suggestively and she smirked.

"I live in the cadet quarters on campus. My room-mate could come home at any time," she said, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"You don't sound bothered by that," said Jim in a low voice, wrapping his arms around her small waist and pulling her close.

She giggled. "I'm not," she mumbled as their lips crashed together forcefully. Jim took control of the kiss, his tongue snaking its way into her mouth and rubbing against hers in a way that made her shudder slightly in his arms. They broke apart after a few long moments and stared into each others eyes.

"Let's get something to drink, and get back to your place," he smirked.

Half drunk bottle of rum in hand, Lora finally managed to get the access code for her room correct on the fourth attempt.

"I told you "– hic- "told you I was fine," she slurred and he took the rum from her, swigging deeply from the bottle before dropping onto her bed. He was now so drunk he couldn't even stand.

She crawled on top of him, legs straddling his waist and hands on either side of his shoulders.

"You're funny," she giggled.

"I am?" he slurred, vaguely aware of his communicator bleeping again.

She leaned down and kissed him, hard. His hands trailed her back, running down to her butt and squeezing it lightly.

_But she isn't Spock._

She broke the kiss and sat upright, hands reaching behind her back to undo her dress. She slid out of it and Jim trailed his hands over her now naked torso, thanking all the gods for dresses which girls couldn't wear bras underneath, he'd never been good at undoing those damn fiddly clasps.

He rolled them so he was on top, their lips meeting again in a messy kiss, his hands all over her body. She moaned slightly into his mouth and he trailed kisses down her neck to her chest where he reached a nipple, lavishing attention on it from his tongue and teeth, all the while looking up at her pretty face.

His communicator beeped louder and she pushed him away.

"That thing has been going" – hic – "all night. You should get it."

"But I'm busy," he growled, trailing small kisses down to her belly button before plunging his tongue into it, causing her to writhe beneath him.

"It might be important," she protested.

"You're more important," he breathed, reaching her panties and grabbing them with his teeth, slowly sliding them down her slim legs. He reached for the rum, draining half of what was in the bottle in one go. His head started to spin and he ignored it, kissing along her inner thigh and making her breath come in short, sharp gasps.

He grabbed the rum again, hungrily finishing the bottle. He couldn't feel anything and it was… amazing. No more worry or regret or pain. Jim was barely even aware of his vision failing him as he passed out. He wasn't aware of falling off the bed, and he wasn't aware of cracking his head on the corner of the nightstand.

"James?" Lora gasped, leaning over the edge of the bed.

Jim was out cold, his head bleeding profusely from where he had smashed it against the corner of the furniture.

_Shit shit shit shit! _She thought, jumping out of the bed and kneeling at his side.

She shook him by the shoulder and he didn't stir.

The communicator in his pocket kept bleeping and she snatched it out and answered it.

"H-hello?" she said.

"Who is this?" asked the voice on the other end.

"Who's this?" she asked.

"Doctor Leonard McCoy, Chief Medical Officer of the Starship Enterprise, and you are? Why do you have Jim's communicator?" he demanded. He sounded really angry.

"I- I didn't mean to. I met him in the bar on campus, he was already really drunk. I never meant for. He's passed out, and he hit his head. Can you help me?" she asked.

The Doctor sighed.

"Where are you?"

She quickly explained her location and little more than five minutes later a strange man knocked on her door. She pulled her bathrobe tightly closed; all of a sudden feeling very sober indeed, and let him into the room.

"God damn it Jim," he muttered, kneeling at his side, looking at the bloody gash on his head but seeing immediately it wasn't serious.

"Any idea how much he had to drink?" _Drowning his sorrows, _a practice McCoy himself was all to familiar with.

"Uh... m-most of this rum, and maybe eight or ten shots of Jack? Maybe more, I don't know I just. I'm sorry," she stammered and the doctor shook his head.

"Don't worry darlin' it's not your fault, he's a damn idiot. He didn't try and have sex with you did he?"

"Uh… yeah. He did, but it wasn't his entire fault. I was to blame for that," she admitted nervously.

"That's alright. I'll take his sorry ass home and give him a hell of a talkin' to when he wakes up about tryna' seduce underage cadets." The Doctor roughly grabbed Jim by the shoulders and heaved him into a standing position, draping Jim's arm around his shoulders and his arm behind his back.

"Thanks for that Missy," said the Doctor, dragging Jim out of the room.

Lora nodded and closed the door behind them, crawling into her bed thoroughly confused by the night's events.

Jim woke with a start as someone poured ice-cold water on his face.

"Wha-?" he slurred drunkenly. His eyes struggled to focus on the two people leaning over him.

"You alright asshole?" came Bones' gruff voice.

"M'okay Bones, sleepy," he slurred, closing his eyes and then forcing them open again.

"Spock can you carry him to the bed? I nearly broke my damn back dragging him here."

"Ssspock," Jim giggled drunkenly, reaching up and touching the Vulcan's face. Spock gripped his wrist and forcefully removed the hand from touching him.

He lifted his drunken mess of a Captain off the floor of his apartment and carried him into the bedroom, dropping him on the bed a little more roughly than he needed to. Spock was _pissed _off.

"Can you take it from here Spock? Joanna is in my apartment and I don't want to leave her any longer in case she wakes up," said Bones and Spock nodded, allowing the Doctor to get back to his young daughter who was now staying with him for a short while.

As soon as Bones had left the room, Jim reached out and grabbed Spock's hand.

He wrenched it away.

"_Stop touching me_," he growled, his voice dangerously low, eyes black.

"Why're you mad at me Spock?" Jim slurred.

"Because Jim, you are as you so eloquently phrased it yesterday, 'fucking with my feelings'. I will be on the couch should you require anything. I recommend you sleep laying on your side to reduce your risk of asphyxiation should you vomit due to your excessive alcohol consumption."

Spock stormed out of the room and Jim blinked hard, alcohol soaked brain trying to make sense of what Spock had just said. Spock actually _swore_.

It was as if a lightbulb switched on inside his mind.

_If I'm messing with his feelings… then… that means that he HAS feelings!_

Jim scrambled into the lounge and over to Spock who was sitting on the couch, standing over him.

"Jim what are you-" he began, only to be cut off as Jim straddled him on the couch, blue eyes slightly out of focus.

"Do you feel the same, Spock?" he asked, hands on his shoulders, knees either side of his thighs.

"I do not wish to discuss such things at this time. You are highly intoxicated and unable to-"

"So is that a yes?"

Spock blushed a light shade of green and Jim leaned down closer to him.

"Is that a yes?" he asked again, his face now only inches from Spock's.

"Go to bed," said Spock in a low voice, his eyes narrowing.

"You _do_ feel something! Be a man Spock, we're both adults, we can talk about this, hell maybe we could even act on it, wouldn't that be great?"

Spock pushed Jim by the shoulders and he tumbled backwards onto the floor, hitting his head and crying out.

"I will not have such a conversation with you at this point! You are… wasted… and you urgently require sleep. Report to the bedroom immediately or I will be forced to-"

"Ooh, forced to what? This sounds kinky," smirked Jim, propping himself up on his forearms and looking at Spock.

Spock sighed in frustration. He _really _needed to meditate.

"You going to tie me up Spock? Tie me to the bed to make me stay there? Or are you going to spank me for being so… _naughty."_ Spock's mouth fell open slightly and he forced himself to contain his reaction to the way Jim was behaving.

"I will assist you in walking to the bed, and will then leave you to sleep. We can discuss this in the morning," Spock said through gritted teeth. It was taking all his self control not to just grab Jim, throw him on the bed and do terrible, terrible things to him.

He grabbed Jim by the arm, yanking him into a standing position and dragging him to the bedroom. Jim struggled and protested but was no match for Spock's strength.

Spock pushed Jim towards the bed, expecting him to fall onto it but he didn't. He grabbed Spock and pulled him down with him, meaning Spock was lying flat on top of him on the bed. Before he could get away Jim wrapped his legs around his waist, holding on as tightly as he could.

"Release me, or I will be forced to subdue you."

"You're driving me crazy Spock, don't leave," mumbled Jim, licking his lips in the most _obscene_ way imaginable. He'd seen how Spock couldn't take his eyes off him when he was playing with the straw in his mouth the previous day.

Spock's eyes were dark, and Jim couldn't tell if it was anger or lust, or a little of both.

"Come on Spock, think how great this could be." Jim bucked his hips up into Spock's and the Vulcan tensed.

"Release me. I will not ask again," he growled.

Jim grabbed the back of the Vulcan's head and pulled him down into a rough kiss. Spock's self control slipped momentarily and he found himself kissing back, the taste of alcohol in Jim's mouth causing his tongue to tingle.

Spock came to his senses and pulled back.

"Jim. Not while you are intoxicated. I cannot take advantage of you in such a way. Please rest and we can discuss-" Spock stopped talking abruptly as Jim kissed his way up his neck to his ear, flicking his hot tongue over the point. Spock gasped and swore under his breath, his self control slipping once again.

"I'm giving you the advantage, take it."

"No."

"Yes! Spock! Come on! I've wanted to do this since the day of the damn Kobayashi Maru and you were all smug and smirking at me and I just wanted to grab you and throw you on the desk and fuck you silly. And the day you choked me on the bridge? I could _feel_ how turned on you were by it. We can't keep ignoring it Spock." Jim's blue eyes were pleading, his lips slightly swollen from the force of their earlier kiss.

Spock gripped Jim's legs firmly, removing them from his waist and standing up.

"We will discuss these matters tomorrow. Go to sleep." He walked out of the room and closed the door behind himself.

Jim sighed and crawled under the blankets, curling into a ball and closing his eyes.

_Fucking stubborn Vulcan._

~**A/N~  
They WILL eventually have sex, I promise :3**


	7. Chapter 6 - The Morning After

**Chapter 6 – The Morning After**

"Oh fuck," groaned Jim as he woke up. He felt terrible. His head was spinning and his stomach churning._ Damn alcohol._

He tried to remember everything from the day before, but it was all a blur. He could remember leaving Archer's office and returning to the apartment. He'd put his medal safely away in his holdall and changed his clothes before heading out to the bar. Then everything became blurry. He vaguely remembered a pretty young woman with blonde hair, and Bones yelling at him, then a little bit of arguing with Spock.

_Shit._ Kissing Spock. Trying to provoke him. Trying to _seduce_ him. _Fuck. Shit. Damn it._

Jim slowly peeled himself out of the bed, walking tentatively into the living area of the apartment. He didn't know how mad Spock was going to be, or if he'd even still be there at all.

He wasn't in the lounge.

Jim walked slowly towards the kitchen, bracing himself for the disappointment of realising he'd destroyed his friendship with Spock. He was stunned when he opened the door to reveal Spock making _breakfast_. And not the kind of breakfast that he would eat himself. He was making breakfast for Jim.

"Wow Spock, you are quite a cook," Jim laughed as he watched the Vulcan pile the food he had prepared onto a plate.

Bacon. Eggs. Sausage. Fried bread. Mushrooms and Tomatoes. Everything cooked to absolute fucking _perfection._

"I enquired of Doctor McCoy the kind of meal you may desire after consuming excess alcohol. He was very specific in his suggestions and requested that I inform you that are an 'ass'." Spock handed Jim the plate as well as a knife and fork, smirking slightly at the shocked expression on his face.

"You sir… are... a god!" he declared, taking his food over to the table and sitting down. He'd hardly even touched the chair before he was starting to shovel the food into his mouth. It was so damn good and his hangover was screaming to be fed.

"That would be illogical. The mere presence of any kind of deity is in itself highly improbable and-"

"Shut up Spock," he laughed, continuing to eat his food.

Spock sat silently opposite him.

"What's up?" asked Jim after a few minutes of being stared at by his First Officer.

"Do you recall your behaviour last night?"

"Uh… embarrassingly, no, I don't…" Jim trailed off. Suddenly his amazing breakfast didn't taste so great.

"You attempted to engage in sexual activity with not only a Starfleet cadet, but with myself."

"Well, what can I say Spock, I'm a horny drunk," he shrugged, trying to laugh off the situation.

"You should be aware that both of these acts violate numerous sections of Starfleet regulation and-"

"I know. I know it's against the rules for me to try and sleep with a subordinate officer. I'm really sorry, Spock. I don't know what came over me last night… I just wanted to drink and forget about everything. I mean… Fifty-seven men and women didn't make it home to their families because of _my_ actions. I don't know how to even begin coming to terms with that. I want to write to all their families, to say that I'm sorry, that it was my fault their loved ones didn't make it home. The guilt is… overwhelming."

There was a long pause. Spock's deep brown eyes drilled into Jim, making him squirm slightly in his chair.

"You are forgetting the fact that due to your actions, three hundred and sixty-one crewmen, including myself, _did_ survive."

"But that doesn't make it any easier! Everyone should have made it home; that was my responsibility as Captain and I… I failed them." Jim tried to force back the tears burning at his eyes. Crying in front of the Admiral had been bad enough but he knew he had to keep it together in front of Spock.

_You did fail them, Captain_ Khan's voice echoed inside his mind.

Jim pushed his now empty plate away and rested his head in his hands on the table.

"You are upset," said Spock. Jim couldn't quite tell what the tone in his voice meant.

"No shit, Sherlock," muttered Jim. The tears that had been threatening to fall spilled from his eyes, forming small droplets on the table. He closed his eyes tightly.

"It is not your fault, Jim. The members of the crew were all aware of the risks and they chose to accept them. Their lives were ended due to the actions of Khan and Alexander Marcus, not of you. You did everything in your ability to protect them."

"Well I failed, didn't I," he said, now crying harder.

"Captain I… I do not know what to say." Spock sounded lost, confused.

Jim looked up at him, dazzling blue eyes spattered with red bloodshot veins from crying.

"You don't have to say anything. It's my guilt. My lack of ability that caused this problem. You know what? Spock, you're promoted, congratulations. On our next mission you're Captain," he said, staring back down at the table.

"You do not have the authority to-"

"I know." Jim interrupted harshly.

"I know. I don't have authority to give you my job." Jim glared at the table and the small puddle of his tears that was forming there.

He was vaguely aware of Spock standing up and walking around to his side of the table, but he snapped to his senses when he felt Spock's strong hands dragging him to his feet.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" he protested but quickly fell silent when Spock did the very last thing he had expected and wrapped his arms tightly around him in a hug.

"You must stop feeling guilty and upset Captain, these feelings will only act to hinder your physical recovery," he said quietly.

Jim's arms tentatively wrapped themselves around Spock in return, his face burying into the Vulcan's shoulder.

"Why are you hugging me Spock?" he sighed. He was doing everything he could to block any thoughts of his feelings towards his First Officer, as he knew he's be able to see them.

"Nyota always found this act particularly comforting, I assumed you would also," he said quietly.

"You sayin' I'm a girl?"

"Perhaps," Spock smirked, letting him go. Jim didn't want to let go. He wanted to stay there, safe in Spock's warm embrace for the whole day.

"That's it! Get changed, we're going to the gym and I'll show you that I am 100% all man," Jim laughed as he challenged Spock.

Spock stayed sat at the table alone, the same familiar memory troubling him as it always did.

_Jim's hand on the glass. The fear and pain in his eyes._

_"I... I love you Spock, I couldn't have lived without you. I love you."_

It troubled him with the same question as it always did. Had Jim meant what he had said, or had he said it simply because of the situation at hand? Had he been confused? Had his mind even been functioning correctly at the time?

Spock closed his eyes, slowing his breathing and entering a near meditative state to resume his argument with himself.

_You are a highly compatible partnership and pursuing a romantic relationship would be the next logical step._

_With the population of Vulcan's so dangerously low, surely it would be logical to travel to New Vulcan and find a female bondmate, produce offspring and help ensure the recovery of the species?_

_James has always possessed the ability to easily elicit an emotional response, this must be due to emotional attachment._

_"I… I love you Spock. I couldn't have lived without you. I love you."_

"Spock?" Jim's voice wrenched him back to reality and he opened his eyes slowly.

"Are you alright?"

"I am… feeling unwell. I must return to my accommodation to meditate," Spock got up and quickly left the apartment, careful not to look at Jim too much. By simply making eye contact with Jim, Spock found his emotional control compromised.

"Spock wait!" Jim had followed him into the hallway.

Spock stared intently at the floor.

"Come back inside, I think we should talk about this," said Jim softly.

"I… that would be unwise," said Spock, stepping into the lift as the doors opened.

Jim just stared at him as the doors closed.

_Well, shit._

He trudged back into the apartment, cleaned up from his breakfast, trying to push out of his mind the fact that Spock had made it for him and then threw himself down heavily onto the couch.

There was a tiny knock on his door about ten minutes later, dragging him out of his sulking.

A small part of his mind hoping that against all odds it would be Spock returning, Jim bounded over to answer it.

He was met with a small blond haired girl, no older than four. She was wearing a pretty blue dress and her hair was hanging in two plaits on either side of her head. She smiled nervously and he heard Bones' voice from just beside the door.

"Now say, 'Hi Uncle Jim'," Bones whispered.

"Hi Uncle Jim," she mumbled shyly.

Jim crouched down so he was the same height as her.

"You must be Joanna, and you're just cute as a button," he smiled. The girl retreated to the side and Jim laughed as Bones walked around the corner into the apartment now holding the girl in his arms.

"She's a little shy at first, aren't you darlin'?" he smiled and Joanna nodded slightly, burying her face into Bones' shoulder.

"She's gorgeous Bones. We should have babies, you sure do make some good looking kids," Jim laughed.

"Are you feelin' alright Jim? Never thought I'd ever hear you talk about having kids," Bones laughed.

"I'm just saying, she's really cute, and with your seemingly great genes, and my superior Kirk genes-" Bones snorted. "We could make some pretty awesome babies."

"Stop it now man, you're creepin' me out. Joanna and I wanted to see if you'd like to come with us to the seafront to get some ice cream," he said

"That'd be fantastic; it'd get me out of sulking around here…"

"Uh oh. Trouble in paradise?" Bones asked, raising his eyebrow, suddenly very aware of the fact that Spock was nowhere to be seen.

"No paradise at all. I got up, and he'd made me breakfast, and I mean the _best_ breakfast for a hangover. I'm literally completely cured. But then he went all weird and stormed off, saying he had to meditate, refusing to talk to me."

"He did seem a little odd when I was him earlier. I was wonderin' why he was asking me all these questions about hangovers and food."

"Yeah… he's weird at the moment. I don't get it. Anyway, how about that ice cream?" Jim suggested, changing the subject.

Joanna giggled as her father lifted her up and sat her on his shoulders as they walked along by the water. Jim smiled at the two of them, it was nice to get away from constantly thinking about Spock, or worse, about Khan.

"What colour ice cream did you want baby girl?" Bones asked.

"Pink!" she squealed and Jim laughed.

"I might go for a pink one too."

"You have blue, you're a _boy_," the little girl protested.

"Oh, OK, well, boss says I'm having blue," Bones laughed.

"I'm feeling like maybe the green one? Is it apple?" asked Jim and the girl working the ice cream stand nodded.

"Green it is."

Now with their ice-creams, the three continued their stroll.

"Wow. _Sour _apple." Jim screwed up his face and Joanna giggled.

"I'm a little worried about the blue colour in this givin' me cancer, but other than that it's pretty tasty," shrugged Bones. Joanna clambered down off his shoulders and walked along, reaching up to hold her fathers hand, the other hand holding the pink ice cream to her mouth.

"Oops, careful, you're going to get pink all down your dress," said Jim, noticing a drip about to fall off the other side of the cone and quickly catching it with his thumb.

"Daddy can wash it," she shrugged and both men laughed.

"She takes after you Bones!"

"I know. It scares me a little," he sighed.

"Daddy, I want to go in the sea!" Joanna squealed as they neared the beach.

"Only your feet baby, we don't have your swimsuit today. Here, lets get your shoes off and you can go paddle," he said, handing Jim his ice cream to hold whilst he helped Joanna take off her sandals.

The second her shoes were off the young girl took off running across the golden sand, sprinting towards the surf. Bones sighed and took his ice cream back from Jim.

"Five year mission is going to be tough… she'll be almost ten when we get back. I don't know if I can miss that much of her childhood… I mean, what if she forgets who I am?"

"She won't forget you! She loves you! Look at her, there's no way she could forget you."

"But you don't have a kid that you're leaving behind to go into space… it's easy for you," Bones sighed as the two men sat down in the sand not far from where Joanna was playing in the water.

"Fair point," Jim nodded.

Joanna looked back at her father and grinned, walking deeper into the water.

"No sweetie, no further or you'll get your clothes all wet," Bones warned.

She grinned wider and took another step.

"Joanna! I'm warning you!"

She laughed out loud and dived into the water, completely soaking her clothes and hair.

"GET BACK HERE MISSY!" yelled Bones, kicking off his shoes and paddling into the sea himself to try and retrieve her.

Laughing wildly and swimming away from her father, Joanna was finally hit by a wave that pushed her back in Bones' direction and he caught her, lifting her up.

"Now. What did I say about swimming?"

"To do it?" Joanna laughed.

Bones smiled, unable to stay annoyed at her, after all they were only clothes and they would dry soon enough.

"Don't tell your mother," he muttered as he carried her back to Jim who was trying to contain his laughter.

"We're gonna go back and find some dry clothes," said McCoy, smiling at his little girl.

"You want to walk back with us? Or should I leave ya' here?"

"I'm gonna stay a little longer I think, but I'll see you both later."

Bones nodded and he and Joanna left. Jim remained sitting on the sand, staring out at the bay.

_I wonder if Spock is thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about him._

He sighed and ran his hands through his caramel coloured hair then pulled off his shirt, laying back and just listening to the sound of the waves, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his skin. Summer was coming, and Iowa would be hot.

He must have fallen asleep there, because the next thing Jim knew was cold water lapping at his feet.

"Shit," he muttered, scrambling a few feet up the beach away from the encroaching tide.

"See now if I fell asleep in the sun, Id' be lookin' like a bloody tomato in about five seconds flat, but you go all golden and lovely. I'm a wee bit jealous," came Scotty's voice from behind him, Jim looked round and smiled as his chief engineer walked over and sat down beside him in the sand.

"Enjoying some sunshine before you go back to the home of all rain?" Jim asked, sitting up and pulling his now sandy tee-shirt back on.

"Oh aye. And just y'know, hangin' out with some wee stragglers I found," he grinned as Sulu and Chekov bounded across the sand and piled onto their Captain.

"Keptin! Keptin! It is so good to see you avake sir!" Chekov beamed.

"Good to see you too Chekov, but why aren't you at home in Russia?"

"Vell I vanted to make certain zat you vere going to be ok before I left Sir," he said earnestly.

"Chekov! You didn't have to do that for me!"

"But I have been having such fun here Sir! Mr Sulu and Mr Scott and I have enjoyed many fun times, zey even let me drink some wodka," he grinned.

"Getting my Ensign drunk are you?" Jim demanded of the two older men who couldn't quite tell if he was being serious.

"Nah I'm just kidding, it's about time someone did! How's it going Mr Sulu? Good to be home?"

"Very. And it's good to see you awake and alright, it was a worrying few weeks for all of us, but the good Doctor worked some kind of miracle and here you are!"

"We were jus' about to go get a couple, or a couple hundred, beers, don' know if ya fancy joinin' us Cap'n?" offered Scotty.

"You know that sounds great, but I need to go find Spock to ask him about something… it'd be easier if I had any idea where he was staying," Jim sighed.

"I know dis! Earlier ve saw Uhura and Meester Spock go into hotel, ees maybe ten blocks from here? Dat way," offered Chekov, pointing due East straight down a long street.

"Wait he was with… Uhura?" Jim asked, screwing up his face slightly.

"Don't worry man, there's nothing going on, he's only got eyes for you," assured Sulu and Jim laughed.

"Is this whole thing with me and Spock like the _worst_ kept secret in the history of the whole world?"

"Pretty much Keptin," laughed Chekov and Scotty and Sulu nodded.

"Any idea on the name of the hotel or anything?"

"Did not see ze name Sir, but ees tall building, made from glass. Wery nice."

"Thanks. I'm sure I can figure it out. And hey, we will get some drinks for sure before we ship back out, and that's a promise gentlemen!" said Jim as he said a quick goodbye to his crewmates and began walking in the direction Chekov had pointed.

The sun was going down and it wasn't very warm once inside the towering buildings of the city, their shade keeping the streets below them cool.

Jim walked faster, counting each block he passed until he spotted a building that looked like a likely candidate. He pulled his communicator from his pocket and flipped it open.

"Kirk to Spock," he said, swallowing hard.

"Captain?"

"I'm outside your hotel Spock, can we talk?"

There was a long pause.

"My quarters are located on the fourteenth floor. I will meet you in the hallway."

"OK, great, see you in a second."

Kirk put his communicator back in his pocket and walked into the building, getting in the elevator and hitting the button for the fourteenth floor.

He nervously checked out his reflection in the mirror, shifting his weight between his feet and trying to figure out what he was going to say.

The elevator stopped moving and the doors slid open, Spock was standing right outside. He was wearing all black, and long sleeves as usual. It couldn't have been more of a contrast to Jim's shorts and tee-shirt from his trip to the beach.

Without saying a word, Spock led Jim along the corridor and to his room, letting them in and closing the door behind them.

Jim tried not to show his reaction to how unbearably hot the room was, but he had to alter his breathing to compensate for it.

"Talk to me Spock, what's wrong?" Jim asked.

"Nothing is 'wrong'-"

"Bullshit."

"If you let me _finish._ Nothing is wrong, however not everything is well. I believe I must travel to New Vulcan and seek guidance of a healer."

"A healer? What do you need healed? Bones'd fix you right up, I mean sure the excessive hypos aren't fantastic but-"

"It is not a physical damage," Spock interrupted his rambling.

"Oh."

Spock sat down slowly on the edge of his bed, Jim pacing the room slowly; every now and then he would pause to wipe the sweat beading on his forehead away.

"Jeez, Spock, can we turn the heat down? I'm gonna melt at this rate," Jim sighed, running his hands through his hair.

Spock gave a small nod and instructed the computer. The room was still warm by human standards, but much more comfortable.

"Is all of this because of me?" asked Jim quietly. "I'm causing you all this stress?"

"Affirmative," said Spock in monotone, staring straight at a blank patch of wall and not looking at Jim who sighed and looked at the ground for a few seconds.

"So what's the problem here? I like you, I really like you, and you know that. I'm pretty much 99% sure that you like me in return. Normally Spock when two people like each other, they act on it and form a relationship. So why isn't this the case for us?" Jim sat down on the bed beside Spock and noticed the Vulcan's body tense.

"I am… afraid. I cannot lose you again."

"This is all because of a silly little thing like me _dying_? Wow Spock you're crazy. You're really, really crazy. If everybody thought like that nobody would ever have a relationship if they were too scared of getting hurt when the other person died."

Spock thought for a long moment. Jim did have a good point.

"Vulcan's do not engage in casual relationships and-"

"Who ever said anything about casual?" Jim interrupted and Spock looked at him. His brown eyes were so dark they were almost black.

"Your previous relationship history suggests that you are unable to maintain a long-term commitment."

"Uh… yeah. OK, I guess you have me there. But Spock, I swear, I'm not the slutty man whore that people make me out to be, these rumours started and I just didn't do anything to stop them you know? I've actually only slept with like… eight people," Jim confessed, blushing a light shade of pink.

"I was under the impression it was in the region of a hundred," said Spock quietly, surprise faintly etched across his features.

Jim laughed.

"No Spock. Like I said, the rumours started and I found it flattering and I just let it continue. I had one reasonably long term girlfriend when I was younger, it lasted just over six-months, but yes other than that, the others were just about sex. _But_ since I properly realised my feelings for you, I haven't been with anyone else. I've been kinda… you know… saving myself I guess," he said, shifting awkwardly.

"I am… relieved to hear that the stories of your promiscuity were greatly exaggerated."

"Just don't tell anyone else, I don't want to lose my reputation among the guys," Jim smiled.

"Your secret is safe with me." Spock's face gave nothing away.

There was a long moment of silence, the two men just staring at each other. Jim shuffled slightly closer to Spock.

"So, where do we stand?" asked Jim cautiously.

"We are currently seated, Captain," said Spock and Jim snorted with laughter.

"It's a figure of speech. It means where are we? What's our situation? Are we going to be together?"

Spock stared at Jim's otherworldly blue eyes and then allowed his eyes to flick down to his full, pink lips.

"I really want to be with you, Spock. And I meant what I said that day on the ship, I wasn't just saying it because I was scared or anything, I really meant it. I do l-"

Jim was cut off by Spock's lips pressing against his own, gently at first, mouths closed; it was something like the first awkward kiss between two teenagers. He closed his eyes and kissed back. After a few moments they broke apart, foreheads resting together.

"Is that a 'yes'?" Jim smiled.

"I believe it is," replied Spock quietly, more of a smile on his face than Jim had ever seen before.

"So I can do this?" Jim asked, shifting closer to Spock again so their thighs were touching and then running his hand up to settle on the Vulcan's neck, pulling him in for another, harder kiss. Jim teased his tongue along Spock's bottom lip, begging for entry which was granted.

Jim held back the groan he wanted to release at just the sheer _heat _of Spock's mouth, but when he felt the rough texture of his tongue, he couldn't hold it back. The kiss broke momentarily.

"Is there a problem?" Spock asked.

"Your tongue is… different," Jim said breathlessly, trying to reconnect their lips.

"There are several aspects of my physiology which are… different," Spock said, raising an eyebrow and smirking. Jim smirked, wondering what he had yet to discover.

The next thing he knew, Jim was thrown backwards onto the bed, Spock on top of him, kissing him hungrily. Jim reached up and tangled his fingers in Spock's dark hair; it was just as soft as he had imagined it so many times. Spock pulled his hands away and pinned above his head, his superior strength making it very easy for him.

_Kinky_, Jim thought, smirking into the kiss.

Spock repositioned his hands so he was pinning both of Jim's wrists with just his right hand, his left hand trailing over Jim's body until it reached the bottom of his shirt which was swiftly removed and thrown carelessly aside. Jim struggled with his hands but Spock had them pinned.

"Take off your shirt," he groaned into the kiss. Spock obliged and removed his own shirt before trailing small kisses and bites down Jim's neck, causing the smaller man to wriggle and struggle beneath his captor.

"Actually, we should probably s-stop," Jim stuttered and Spock bit down hard on his neck, hard enough to leave a slight mark.

"Why?" Spock demanded, he sounded almost out of breath.

"I want to take things slowly between us. Just because we've admitted our feelings doesn't mean we need to fuck like wild animals on the first night," he chuckled and Spock released his wrists.

"I apologise, I was unaware that-"

Jim placed a finger over Spock's lips, stopping him from talking.

"Don't worry about it, it was my fault too, mostly my fault probably. But I mean, yeah, I'd like to take it slowly, if that's alright with you?" Jim said somewhat awkwardly. Never in his life had he turned down the promise of sex and it felt strange to him.

Spock nodded slightly and rolled off to the side, Jim curled into him and trailed his arm across his chest, fingers tracing small circles on his ribcage. Spock was all muscle, but not large, powerful muscles as Jim used to be, he was lean and strong with virtually no body fat. His chest was as milky white as his face and hands and mostly hairless aside from a small patch in the centre of his chest and a line which disappeared below the waistband of his pants.

"Yeah don't look at me," laughed Jim, trying to hide his insecurity as he pulled the blanket right up to his neck.

"Why would you not wish me to look at you?"

"I need to hit the gym, like, hardcore. I feel all skinny and gross," Jim complained and Spock wrapped an arm around him, planting a gentle kiss on his forehead.

"Whatever your physical appearance, I am sure I will always find myself attracted to you."

"Aw that's sweet. But my confidence is really low right now; hopefully I can build myself back up over the next few weeks," said Jim, trying to stifle a yawn but Spock noticed.

"You are tired."

"A little. I didn't sleep too well last night as you know, and then I went to the beach today with Bones and his little girl, she's a sweetie," he smiled, nuzzling his face into Spock's shoulder and closed his eyes.

"I was unaware that Doctor McCoy had a daughter," said Spock, kissing the top of Jim's head.

"Yep, she's almost five and cute as a button. I just wanted to steal her. Can we have one of those someday?"

Spock laughed. He actually _laughed._ Jim's heart did a small backflip at the sound and he looked up to see Spock smiling down at him.

"One thing at a time _ashaya_."

"What's that mean?" Jim asked sleepily, his eyes slipping closed.

"I will tell you one day," said Spock, sighing contentedly and holding Jim close as he fell into a peaceful sleep.

**~A/N~**

**Long chapter!**

**Yaaaaaayyyy they're making some progress people!  
I've been having a crisis of confidence over this story, so ****I just want to take this opportunity to thank every single person who has taken their time to write a review****. Thank you. It seriously keeps me writing. Please feel free to tell me what you like, what you don't like (but be nice or I might cry) and what you'd like to see in the coming chapters!**

**Coming up in the next chapter...  
A guest appearance by Mr. John Harrison, some more angsty angst, and some serious cuteness that I can't spoil just yet but it is just adorable :3**

**Leave me your thoughts! Much trek love to you and have a great day :D**


	8. Chapter 7 - Kitty

**Chapter 7 - Kitty**

_"I will kill her Captain, and there will be nothing you can do to stop me," hissed Khan, ghosting his fingers over Uhura's slender neck. She stared straight ahead, defiance in her eyes. She was tied to an upright support beam in the centre of the large room they were in._

_Jim tried to move but he was tied to the chair he was sitting on, tape across his mouth._

_"The code, to my chryo tube. Now, Kirk, or I will tear out her throat with my teeth whilst you watch."_

_"Don't give it to him!" Uhura screamed and Khan backhanded her across the face._

_Jim flinched._

_Khan slowly walked over to him and ripped the tape off his mouth._

_"The code, Captain."_

_"The code is fuck you," he spat, pulling at his restraints with all his strength and glaring at Khan._

_Uhura wouldn't break. Jim wouldn't break._

_"My dear it seems your Captain does not value your life a great deal, such a pity," tutted Khan._

_"Perhaps, someone whose life he does value will give me a greater chance of success…" he trailed off, the words dripping from his lips like venom._

_Uhura had turned into Spock, bound upright to the support beam, fear filling his eyes._

_Jim fought harder._

_"No. Khan. No. This has to stop."_

_Khan smirked and removed a small blade from his pocket._

_"Now there's a reaction, that's what I like to see."_

_"Khan. I'm warning you."_

_"Ha! Warning me?! Oh James I do not need your warning. Nothing will happen to me at your hands, you could never kill a man. I on the other hand, may just possess that ability," he threatened, twirling the small silver knife between his fingers._

_"The code to my chryo tube Captain. I will not ask again."_

_Khan pointed the blade at Spock's chest._

_"Do not grant him the information, Captain," Spock said defiantly._

_Jim thrashed against his restraints but he knew it was futile._

_"I don't have the information you want Khan. I wasn't the one who put you back in the freezer," Jim said honestly._

_"WELL YOU GET IT, TODAY!" Khan screamed in rage, knife slicing horizontally across Spock's chest, cutting through his blue science shirt and leaving a thin green line of blood which began to spread slowly and steadily, seeping through the fabric._

_Jim's heart pounded in his chest._

_"I CAN'T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT!" he yelled at the top of his lungs._

_Khan advanced on him, knife in his hand and pushed the chair he was on forcefully backwards causing Jim to tip over backwards, his head hitting the floor hard._

_"Find a way," Khan hissed, raising his foot and delivering one brutal kick to Jim's head, knocking him out cold._

Jim gasped for breath, jolting up into a sitting position.

Khan stood over the bed.

"The code, Captain," he hissed.

"Jim?" Spock questioned from beside him and Jim glanced down before looking back up at Khan.

He was gone.

"Spock is there any way someone else could have got in here?" Jim demanded, jumping out the bed and rushing to the door.

"No, that would be impossible, the door is locked and I have not granted access to anyone other than yourself."

With shaking hands Jim jabbed the button to open the bathroom door, quickly checking that Khan wasn't hiding in there.

The room was empty.

Spock stared at him from the bed.

Jim's heart was pounding, his chest heaving as he fought to get his breath back, cold sweat drenching his body.

The dream had been so… _real_, and Khan standing over him when he woke up had been even more real.

Jim looked under the bed, in the closet, in every possible hiding place before accepting that Spock was the only other person in the room.

He sat down shakily on the edge of the bed.

"I… did not mean to, but I witnessed a large proportion of your dream. I apologise," said Spock quietly.

"How? I didn't let you into my mind."

"Skin to skin contact allows transference of emotions and particularly strong thoughts, and as my mental shields are somewhat depleted due to the last few weeks emotional strain, I was able to see some parts of your dream. It was… unintentional," said Spock, looking at Jim carefully.

"I believe you are suffering from hallucinations in addition to these dreams? This would explain your requirement to search the room?"

"Spock… shit… it was so real," Jim whispered as he lay back down.

Spock wrapped his arms protectively around him and kissed his shoulder.

"Merely a product of your unconscious mind. Nothing can harm you when you are here with me," said Spock, giving him a slight reassuring squeeze.

Jim sighed contentedly and closed his eyes.

"Sorry for waking you with my illogicalness," he whispered.

"Do not apologise for something over which you have no control."

Jim nodded slightly and let out a shaky breath, trying to regain his composure. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, trying to force Khan's face out of his mind, but at the same time, trying to make sense of the dream.

The code to Khan's chryo-tube. It made no sense. Why would he dream about such an irrelevant piece of information?

Jim didn't get back to sleep. He stared at the ceiling for several hours until watching the faint orange glow of the sun rising on the wall across from the bed, listening to Spock's slow breathing beside him.

His brain hurt, his body _hurt, _he briefly remembered the piles of pills Bones had ordered him to take sitting on the counter in his apartment and told himself they would probably make him feel better.

"You have not slept," said Spock quietly and Jim rolled over to face him.

"No, I haven't," he admitted.

The pain in Jim's blue eyes had Spock concerned.

"I… I think I should just go, maybe if I take a shower and take some pills and curl up by myself I might be able to sleep," Jim said.

Spock wanted to say that he thought Jim was doing the wrong thing, but he didn't. He said nothing as Jim slipped from the bed and picked up his shirt from the floor, pulling it over his head. Spock didn't even have the heart to tell him his shirt was inside-out.

"I'll see you later? Or tomorrow or something?" Jim offered weakly as he approached the room's door, slipping on his shoes.

"I am concerned about you," Spock said honestly, crossed the room to his Captain.

"I'm fine."

"Fine has numerous definitions."

"I'm fine, really, all definitions," Jim sighed running his hands through his hair. Spock had noticed Jim did that a lot when he was stressed.

After an awkward hug, Jim left and Spock was alone once again. He retrieved his communicator and flipped it open.

"Spock to Doctor McCoy."

There was a long pause and Spock thought McCoy wasn't going to respond at all for a few moments.

"Damn it hobgoblin! You always call me late at night or early in the morning! I'm a man who likes his sleep god damn it!"

"I apologise, Doctor, however this is a matter of urgency," Spock said.

"Is it Jim? Because he didn't come home last night."

"The Captain was in my company," Spock responded, a little _too_ quickly.

"Oh _yeah?_ How was it? He as wild as all the stories say? Was he too much man for you?" McCoy taunted.

"These questions are irrelevant. At approximately 0100 hours Jim suffered as humans would call, a 'nightmare' featuring Khan. This was followed by a vivid hallucination and the Captain feeling it necessary to search the room before returning to bed as he was completely convinced Khan was present. He then did not return to sleep. His thoughts were… troubled."

"Jeez, bet that was a mood-killer… But anyway, why are you bothering me with this? It's just a nightmare, hell, I've had nightmares about the guy, he was pretty damn scary Spock."

"I do not believe this is the first instance. Jim has mentioned previous occurrences of this dream. Are you certain he is in acceptable health?"

Bones snorted indignantly.

"Would I have let him out of my sight if I didn't think he was healthy enough? Not a chance. Damn it pointy, are you undermining my medical opinion?"

"Negative Doctor. I am merely suggesting that Jim may be experiencing some kind of ongoing mental trauma caused by his ordeal. Is this a possibility?" Spock asked, choosing not to rise to Bones' 'pointy' jab.

Another pause.

"Well… yeah, it's a possibility. Nightmares, not sleepin', hallucinations, paranoia… it could all be post traumatic stress. We should keep an eye on him, make sure he's alright and I'll try and run some tests, pretend it's for somethin' else."

"I agree that would be a wise course of action."

"So that it? Can I go back to sleep now?" McCoy demanded.

"Indeed," said Spock shortly.

He closed his communicator as the Doctor began to rant again, cutting him off.

Spock sighed and crawled back into the bed, his sheets smelled faintly of Jim and it just made him all the more worried.

Several hours after Jim arrived back at his apartment there was a faint knock on the door.

The whole walk back he'd seen Khan following him, and he'd seen him pacing in the apartment too, though seemingly unable to see him. Jim sat on the floor in the corner of the room so he could see everywhere, knees brought up to his chest, his breath coming in short, sharp gasps.

_Fifty-seven crew members._

_All of Vulcan._

_Everyone aboard all of the ships that went to try and help Vulcan._

_Christopher Pike._

_George Kirk…_

"Jim? You in there?" Bones' voice called.

Jim closed his eyes and let his head droop onto his knees as Bones used his medical override code and let himself in.

"Damn it Jim! Why are you on the floor?" he demanded as he rushed over to him.

"I don't know… it seemed like a great idea at the time," he said shakily as Bones wrenched him to his feet.

"You're comin' with me back to Starfleet medical so I can get a good look at you. Spock is worried sick, and clearly with good reason!"

"No… Bones. No more hospitals. Please," Jim said weakly and Bones stared at him, not liking what he saw.

Jim had dark circles under his eyes, which were pink and puffy from crying. He was pale and clammy and shaking and didn't look at all right.

"That's a medical _order_. I'm sorry, but you are not healthy," said Bones sadly.

"I… I don't want to be here," Jim said suddenly.

"Where?"

"Here. At all. I shouldn't be here."

"You're not makin' any sense Jim, let's get you to medical and we can work out-"

"No. Bones. I mean alive. I don't want to be… alive. So many people have died but I got this second chance… and I don't even want it."

Jim's ice blue eyes filled with tears and Bones grabbed him in a bear-hug, allowing his friend to sob into his shoulder.

"I- I- I'm such a f-fuck up! I l-let all of t-this happen and it's all m-my fault. You sh-should have l-let me d-die," he sobbed, gripping a fistful of Bones' shirt.

"That's complete crap and you know it Jim."

"I just w-want to g-go to sleep and n-not wake up."

"Don't say that," said Bones in a gentle tone Jim had only ever heard him use with Joanna. "You're my best friend, I'd be a mess if you died, so would everyone on the bridge. Hell, Spock, think what it would do to him if you died? You'd break him, the pointy-eared bastard would go crazy without you. Let's go down to medical and we can get you feeling better, I promise."

Jim seemed to relax slightly and Bones let him go, stepping backwards.

"Can we not tell anyone?" Jim asked quietly.

"I'd lose my job if I did," assured Bones.

The two men stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. Jim fought back and regained control over his emotions, sighing deeply and throwing himself down onto the couch before speaking first.

"I'm sorry Bones, I didn't mean any of that. It's just stressful you know?"

The Doctor sat down carefully next to his friend.

"I know buddy, and you're handling it all so well, I'm surprised you haven't already had a freakout like that, I know I would have. You've just gotta try and keep it under control… I know I haven't talked to you about it yet but the drinking the other night? That's not good for you. And now today? I'm real worried about you. I am serious about running tests," he said and Jim nodded.

"I know. I don't want to hurt anybody by being a selfish asshole. What do you want to test me for?" Jim looked at his friend with tired eyes; he looked like he needed to sleep for a week solid.

"I won't bullshit you. Post traumatic stress, hormonal imbalances, any physical issues I could have missed. Want to get a more detailed scan of your brain, more in depth blood tests. The whole deal. We can keep it quiet though, I mean, I won't tell the Admirals. I won't write a report, and I'll keep as much as I can of it off your record."

"I appreciate it," Jim nodded.

"We can go now? I'm not leaving Joanna alone though. Do you think hobgoblin would watch her for me? It'll only take a few hours at the most; we'll be back by the evening." Jim noticed that Bones looked almost as tired as he felt, and felt bad that he had worried his friend by not coming home the night before, and by his irresponsible drinking a few nights prior.

"I've never seen Spock with kids, could be entertaining. You get her ready to go and I'll call Spock and ask him, or, well, tell him, because he can't really say no to me," Jim said, smiling slightly.

"What even went on last night? Don't go into too much detail though; I don't wanna' have to bleach my brain…"

"Nothing really. We talked about everything, got it all out in the open. We made out a bit –" Bones pulled a face "But that was it, we just cuddled and went to sleep. It was really nice being so close to him… his telepathic touch thing is interesting, his mind is so… soothing."

"Christ. Your balls drop off? You sound like a pair of sissies!" Bones laughed, walking towards the door of the apartment.

"I just… respect him. Don't want to rush things."

"I don't know what to say kid; maybe you're finally doing that 'growing up' thing I keep telling you about. Anyway, I'll go get little missy ready and we can take her to Spock on our way." Jim nodded and Bones let himself out. He knew Jim must be feeling bad if he was willing to go voluntarily for medical testing when he would normally put up such a huge fight.

Jim pulled out his communicator.

"Kirk to Spock."

"Captain. Were you able to rest?"

Jim laughed slightly.

"No, not really. Bones wants to run some tests on me, so I'm going to go with him back to Starfleet medical. Would you be able to take care of his little girl while I go with him?" Jim asked, wishing he was asking in person so he could give the puppy dog eyes that nobody could say no to.

"I… I have no experience in the care of children," said Spock awkwardly.

"Ah you'll be great, she's a little angel," Jim assured him.

Spock thought it over. He wanted McCoy to make Jim better, and if this is what he had to do in order for that to happen…

"Very well, though I cannot guarantee she will enjoy my company."

"She'll love you Spock! We'll bring her by on the way over."

"Kitty!" Joanna called loudly and Spock sighed.

"Have you completed your drawing?" he asked, walking over and sitting cross legged on the floor beside her.

"I coloured it for you, kitty," she smiled sweetly, handing him a piece of paper.

The crude drawing showed a small blond haired girl, herself, Spock presumed, with two men stood on either side of her, they looked similar though one was smiling and one was frowning.

"Who have you drawn?" he asked awkwardly. He still didn't quite know how to get her to stop calling him 'kitty' or grabbing his ears whenever they were in reach.

"I drawed me, and Uncle Jim and Daddy." She pointed to each stick figure in turn. Spock couldn't help but smirk slightly as she pointed to the grumpy stick figure and said it was her father. _Children are intuitive, particularly this one._

"Now I'm going to draw you kitty," she grinned picking up a fresh piece of paper and another crayon.

"Why do you call me by that name?" he asked and she tilted her head to the side.

"You have ears like my kitty and I don't 'member your name," she mumbled, picking up her carton of juice and slurping from it.

"My name is Spock."

"Like sock!" she grinned.

"Not like sock. Like Spock," he corrected.

"Sock kitty," she grinned and he raised an eyebrow. He had undoubtedly made her confusion worse.

She started to draw another picture but got bored halfway through and started looking around the room for something more fun to do. Spotting the bed she scrambled to her feet and rushed over to it, climbing up and starting to jump on the bed.

"Your father would disapprove of this activity."

"But it's fun! I'm going to jump so high I go into space like Daddy!" she giggled. Spock stood up and walked over to the bed so he could keep a closer eye on her. He wondered if she knew her father would soon be leaving for five whole years.

"Kitty I'm hungry."

"I will prepare a meal for you if you ask me by my correct name, which is not kitty or sock," he said, feeling a smirk creep onto his face.

She really was adorable; even he couldn't resist being affected by how cute she was.

"Your eyebrows are funny," she pointed out, stopping jumping on the bed and sitting down.

He didn't know what to say in response to that.

"Are you still hungry?" he asked, raising an eyebrow as she lurched forwards and grabbed him in a hug.

"You're my best friend!" she giggled, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

"Indeed," he muttered awkwardly, placing one hand on her back.

"Can I braid your hair?" she asked, looking up at him hopefully.

"That would be illogical."

"Aww," she pouted.

"Let us find you some food and perhaps later," he said, hoping to distract her for long enough so that he could escape having his hair braided. He briefly thought about Jim at the hospital being examined and hoped everything would be alright.

"I need to go wee wee," she said suddenly.

Spock picked her up off the bed and carried her to the bathroom quickly, staying outside the door for a few minutes to give her privacy. He assumed a human of this age would be toilet trained, but he wasn't a hundred percent sure as it wasn't something he had ever wondered about.

"I can't reach the sink to wash my hands!" she squealed from inside the room and he opened the door. She flushed the toilet but true to her word was too short to reach the tap to wash her hands. He lifted her up easily and she washed her hands messily, getting water on everything including Spock.

She giggled and he sighed.

"You're grumpy just like Daddy is sometimes," she grinned, grabbing his ear again.

"Shall we find you some food young one?" he asked and she nodded, he put her down and she bounded back into the bedroom.

He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep her busy when she seemed to find everything boring after only a few minutes.

"Uncle Sock?" she called and he followed her voice, deciding that 'Sock' was better than 'Kitty' and he'd have to accept it. He didn't have the heart to tell her that he wasn't her actual Uncle.

"Can I give you a makeover?" she grinned, holding up her crayons.

"Absolutely not," he said, perhaps a little _too_ harshly. Her bottom lip started to tremble and her eyes filled with tears. She let out a piercing scream and started throwing a tantrum.

"Perhaps later," he quickly corrected and she looked at him hopefully, stopping crying immediately.

He sighed again and straightened his shirt, wondering how much longer he'd have to avoid Joanna drawing on his face.

"You want the good news or the bad news first?" asked Bones as he walked back into the room where Jim was waiting. He looked confused and concerned and overwhelmed. None of these things encouraged Jim.

"Uh… bad first, I guess," he said as Bones sat down in the chair on the other side of the desk.

"You're displaying classic symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Can't say I'm surprised to be honest. Your hormones are all out of whack, your blood is kind of a mess actually, and yeah, with the symptoms you've described, that's what I'm diagnosing." Jim sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

"_But_, that's perfectly treatable. You'll bounce back. We'll get you some medication and some therapy and you'll be as good as new," Bones tried to reassure his friend.

"I don't want either of those things Bones," he complained.

"Yeah yeah, I know."

The two men were silent for a few minutes, Jim stared at the desk, Bones stared at Jim.

"What's the good news?" he asked eventually, looking up at the Doctor.

"Uh… well… aside from some weird hormone-spikes in your blood, you're physically completely healthy, your cells have all finished regenerating. Hell you've even put on three and a half pounds since I let you out of here… but by the way you need to eat _more_."

"What are the weird hormones?"

"Nothing to be concerned about, it'll all settle down once we get your brain stable I'm sure."

"Alright. Great. Awesome. Should we go and get Joanna before she makes Spock have a complete nervous breakdown?" Jim suggested, standing up.

"Yeah, good idea, she may have caused him to jump out of a window by now," said Bones with a small smirk. He was _used_ to how she was demanding and you needed to watch her like a hawk, but to Spock it would be a whole new experience.

"But before we go…" Bones launched himself at Jim and jabbed him in the neck with a hypospray, knowing that he would have fought him if he knew it was coming.

"Damn it Bones! I hate those things!" complained Jim, now rubbing the sore spot on his neck.

"I know, I'm sorry, but that should keep you nice and relaxed until the end of the day, no more crazy dreams or hallucinations of mad men in your living room."

Bones looked at Jim seriously and Jim nodded gratefully.

"Anyway, Joanna probably has Spock hiding on top of a wardrobe or somethin' by now, so let's go get her back from the poor guy," said Bones and the two men left his office and started to walk back towards Spock's hotel.

Spock looked… frazzled. That was the only word suitable to describe it.

"I am relieved that you have returned," he said as he let the two men into his now messy hotel room.

"Jeez," giggled Jim as he glanced around.

There was paper and crayons spread all over the floor, as well as Spock's closet having been mostly emptied and his clothes thrown all over the place. There was water on the carpet by the bathroom door and Joanna's small pink backpack was sitting empty in the middle of the floor.

"She give you a hard time?" Bones smirked.

"Taking care of her was… challenging," Spock admitted.

Joanna was fast asleep in the middle of Spock's bed, her thumb in her mouth and one of Spock's blue science shirts draped over her like a blanket.

"She decided that she wished to dress in my clothing, but then fell asleep. I thought it would be unwise to wake her," said Spock and Bones laughed.

"Unwise is somethin' of an understatement, she's definitely done a number on you. Sorry man, guess she's had a little too much sugar the last few days." Bones sat on the edge of the bed next to the small sleeping child and gently pushed her hair off her face.

"Kitty," she mumbled sleepily.

"She's dreaming about cats? Wish my dreams were about cats, that'd be _much_ easier to deal with," smiled Jim.

"During the course of the afternoon Joanna experienced confusion with my name, she addressed me as 'Kitty' to begin with, and then addressed me as 'Sock'. You should ensure she is educated in the difference between a Vulcan, a feline and an item of footwear, Doctor McCoy," said Spock and both Jim and Bones cracked up laughing.

"She called you _Kitty?_ Oh my god that's priceless!" Jim laughed.

"And Sock? Hilarious!"

"I did not find it quite so amusing," said Spock in his usual tone. Jim could tell he _did_ find it amusing by his slightly raised eyebrow.

"I'll take her home now, sorry she's been such a pain in the ass," said Bones, carefully picking her up so he didn't wake her.

Jim grabbed the paper and crayons, packing it all up neatly and handing it to Bones who nodded a thank you.

"You staying here? Coming with me? What's the plan?" Bones asked Jim as he walked towards the door.

Jim and Spock glanced at each other.

"I'll go with Bones, I could use a shower and fresh clothes, but then let's go out and find some food or something? Like a first date," Jim offered with a wink and Spock nodded, smirking slightly. Bones made a gagging noise and rolled his eyes.

"Dress nice," Jim winked at Spock as he and Bones left the room.

**~A/N~**  
**To everyone who has reviewed, thank you endlessly! I'm feeling happier with the story though a little mistake was pointed out to me (and I feel like a huge ass for getting this wrong), Vulcan's body temperature is lower than humans, not higher. Thank you for pointing it out! Not sure how I managed to get that the wrong way around as I must watch enough of the TOS to know this by now... but bleh. Modifying chapters on this site is a huge nuisance, and as it's been mentioned a load of times already, I'm keeping it the way it is (sorry if it bugs you) because it'd take me hours to re-read and edit everything and I'd rather spend that time writing more! I'll keep updating at the current rate of every other/ sometimes every day :)**

**Hope you enjoyed! More soon xo**


	9. Chapter 8 - Firsts

**Chapter Eight - Firsts**

All Jim could think of was how much better Spock's shirt would look on the floor. He could see his mouth was moving, he was talking, but he couldn't hear it. All he could focus on was how he wanted him naked and underneath him. Now. Right. This. Second.

He noticed Spock had stopped talking and was staring at him.

"Uh… yeah?" he guessed in response.

"You are distracted," said Spock, raising an eyebrow.

"No! No, I'm not. Well, yes I am, but distracted by you, not by anything else," he explained quickly and Spock's eyebrow relaxed.

"What is causing this distraction?" he asked, leaning back slightly.

They were sitting on a bench by the beach, looking out at the sun setting over the ocean. The sunset was painting the sky the most incredible vivid red, and this coupled with it's reflection in the water made it quite a sight to behold.

"Nothing," Jim smirked.

"You are smirking."

"I am. How very observant of you," his smirk turned into a grin.

"You are thinking about sexual activity," said Spock and Jim's smile was wiped off his face.

"How did you know that?" he asked.

"I did not, however your reaction suggests I was correct in my assumption." It was Spock's turn to smirk.

"You crafty bastard," Jim laughed, pushing Spock playfully in the arm.

It had been a perfect date. They'd gone for food and had a really nice, relaxed meal, and then had walked slowly down to the ocean where they were watching the sunset.

"You're saying you never think sexual things about _me_?" Jim pouted.

"Are you warm enough?" Spock asked as Jim shivered slightly in the breeze.

"You're changing the subject," Jim pointed out.

"I am simply asking-"

"My bed is warm," Jim pointed out with a suggestive smirk.

"Yes I imagine it would be."

"Are you playing hard to get?" Jim giggled.

"Negative, however during our last… encounter… you made the decision you would like to take our relationship slowly. I believe this was a wise choice. Perhaps I should return to my quarters and you should return to yours?"

"Aww Spock don't be like that. I know what I said and I stand by it, but I'm just joking around. Come back with me, we can watch a movie or something," Jim suggested, eyes silently pleading with Spock.

"Very well," Spock agreed. He wanted to spend more time with Jim. He also didn't want him to sleep alone or wake up alone in case he had another nightmare about Khan.

The two men walked back to Kirk's temporary apartment. Jim flirted outrageously the whole way and when they reached the apartment he was quick to grab his blanket from the bed and throw it onto the couch. He lowered the lights and settled down next to Spock, leaning his head against the Vulcan's strong shoulder.

"What kind of movie should we watch? A scary one?" Jim suggested, looking up at Spock and fluttering his light brown eyelashes.

"I am impartial. I am sure your selection will be perfectly adequate."

Jim scrolled through the list of movies and finally chose a scary one. He knew movies didn't usually hold Spock's attention very well so he wasn't expecting them to watch all of it; his real plan was the scariness of the movie giving him the perfect excuse to get up close and personal with his date.

Jim leaned his head against Spock's shoulder again and they settled into the movie.

After about twenty minutes the movie started to actually become scary and Jim buried his face into Spock's neck, pulling the blanket over his face.

"Is it gone yet?" he whispered.

Spock shuddered slightly at the feeling of Jim's lips brushing against his neck.

"It is safe for you to look," he said, trying to keep his voice steady.

Jim peeked out from behind the blanket and Spock looked down at him.

Before either of them could stop themselves their lips had crashed together forcefully, Jim pushing Spock back so he was laying flat on the couch and straddling him, kissing him hungrily.

"You will miss your movie," Spock pointed out as they broke apart momentarily.

"I don't care," panted Jim, reconnecting their lips.

Spock used his superior strength to easily flip them over so he was now pinning Jim to the couch.

"Hey no fair," he protested weakly and Spock smirked, trailing kisses down Jim's neck.

"D-don't play with my neck," he gasped as Spock bit down, hard enough to leave a mark.

"Why not? It would appear that you find it enjoyable."

"Because, shit, if you get me that wound up I won't be able to stop myself," Jim whined, grabbing at Spock's head and trying to pull him back up, away from his neck.

"You are concerned that you will lose your self control."

"Yeah. Exactly."

"I can teach you all about self control," said Spock in a tone Jim had _never_ heard him use before, even in any of his dirty dreams.

"S-Spock!" he gasped out as the Vulcan's hot hands worked their way under his shirt.

"Bedroom. Now." Jim growled, using all his strength to push Spock off him.

Spock stared at him, his dark eyes almost black with pure lust.

Jim jumped up off the couch, blue eyes equally ablaze with desire, and grabbed Spock in another hard kiss, hard enough that he was sure his lips would be sore the next morning.

He pushed Spock towards the bedroom, and then onto the bed, crashing down on top of him. His shirt was lost somewhere between the couch and the bed, and Spock's quickly joined it on the floor. Hands were roaming over skin, Jim grazed his teeth against Spock's neck and he growled, flipping them over so he was on top again.

"Did you just _growl_ at me?" Jim mumbled against his neck.

"Irrelevant," Spock said quickly, hands fumbling with the button of Jim's pants.

"Look at you getting all wound up," Jim smirked. Spock silenced him by crashing their lips together in another bruising kiss.

Jim was _determined_ not to be on the bottom. He wriggled and fought and did his best to flip them back over but Spock was having none of it.

"Spock," Jim whined.

"What is the problem?" he asked, pulling away momentarily.

"I wanna be on the top," he said in the same whiney tone.

"Then it is unfortunate for you that my strength is far superior to yours," Spock smirked.

"But I'm the _Captain_," Jim pointed out.

"We are off duty. Rank has no place here."

"But. I'm the Captain."

"And as we are off duty, _Captain_, you will submit to me."

Jim shivered slightly at the effect those words had on him.

Spock had finally got his pants undone and dragged them off his legs, then removed his own, settling back on top of Jim now wearing only his black Starfleet issue boxers.

"Starfleet panties Spock?" Jim smirked.

"I thought it would be more appropriate than my usual choice of nothing."

"Wait… you normally don't… wear underwear?" Jim spluttered and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"No."

"So all those times on the ship? You weren't wearing anything under your uniform?"

"No."

"Oh my_ god_, I am never going to be able to look at you the same way on the bridge," Jim sighed, running his hands down Spock's back.

"I would hope not, Captain," said Spock, lowering himself down so their chests rested together.

Jim took his chance and with all his strength managed to flip them over so he was on top. He had a feeling Spock could have stopped him easily if he wanted to though.

He began to kiss Spock's neck, working his way up to his pointed ear and lavishing attention on it. Spock tensed below him and his breathing seemed to become slightly less controlled.

He left his ear alone and started to trail down Spock's body, kissing and biting his way down his chest and stomach until he reached the waistband of his boxers.

"Once we do this, there's no going back. You know that right?" Jim said, looking up at Spock who was staring at him intently.

"I am aware."

"And that's fine with you? You don't worry it'll be weird or anything when we get back to the ship?" Jim checked.

"I already experience sexual fantasies about you whilst on duty."

Jim smirked.

"Oh you _do?_"

"Now is not the time to discuss this, there are more important matters to be dealt with." Spock bucked his hips up slightly towards Jim's face.

"More important matters like this?" he said innocently, groping Spock's sizeable erection through the thin fabric of his boxers.

Spock nodded, seemingly unable to get a word out.

"Well, I'll see what I can do," Jim smirked, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of Spock's last item of clothing and removing it. He took a second to take in the image of Spock's naked form for the first time before his eyes snapped back to the matter at hand, the green-tinged cock standing to attention mere inches from his face.

Without hesitating he took Spock into his mouth, or as much as he could manage which was only about half. Jim had _zero_ experience with guys, but he knew what felt good for him so he attempted to copy that. He pulled off slightly, swirling his tongue around the head and Spock tensed, letting out a small sigh.

Spock's hands found the back of Jim's head and started to push him down, trying to get him to take more of his length into his mouth. Jim found it unbelievably hot to watch Spock begin to lose control as his lust got the better of him.

Jim did his best to relax his throat but there was only so much he could do to suppress his gag reflex and he choked slightly. Spock let him go immediately; seemingly worried he's hurt him.

Jim grabbed Spock's hands and brought them back to the back of his head, deciding he liked it very much when Spock was in control. He started to bob his head up and down and Spock gasped out a stream of what he could only assume was Vulcan expletives.

Jim's hands trailed over Spock's thighs, continuing to work his mouth and tongue in any way that caused a reaction. Spock stared down at him intently and that got Jim even _more_ worked up. The way he was looking at him told him in great detail everything that was going to happen to him later that evening, but no words were exchanged.

"I have imagined this many times, though I never imaged it would feel this good," said Spock and Jim pulled off his length with a small 'pop' as it slipped from his lips. He smirked up at the man beneath him.

"That a compliment?" Jim smirked, crawling up Spock's body so their faces were level once again. Spock stared at Jim. His forehead damp with sweat, his eyes burning bright blue, his full lips slightly swollen and glistening with moisture.

Jim never got a response to his question. He was thrown onto his back and Spock had removed his boxers before he could put up a fight.

"Holy shit," he muttered as Spock's inhumanly hot mouth took him in one go which was pretty impressive as Jim wasn't exactly small in that department.

He stared down, unable to keep the shocked look off his face when Spock didn't gag in the slightest.

_Vulcans do not possess a gag reflex _Spock told him without speaking. Jim wanted to know how he'd done it, but all he could focus on was trying not to finish within five seconds. Spock swirled his tongue. Jim didn't even know how he could _do_ that while his mouth was so full. He moaned loudly before he could stop himself, eyes rolling back in his head from the sheer overwhelming pleasure.

"Oh my god, Spock... stop. I need a second," he warned. Spock looked up at him with curious eyes, lips still around his length.

Jim moaned quietly at just the _sight_ of it.

"Your mouth is too hot," he whimpered, hands pulling Spock away from him.

"But I am not hurting you?"

"No! Not at all. It just feels _too_ good. I don't want to be over in five seconds," he laughed slightly, trying to catch his breath.

"It has already been longer than five seconds," Spock pointed out, smirking as he lowered his mouth again.

Jim gripped handfuls of the sheets below him as Spock brought him to the edge embarrassingly quickly.

"S-stop it! I'm so c-close," Jim gasped out, trying to pull Spock away with no avail.

He bit his lip to attempt to stifle his moan of Spock's name as he came into his waiting mouth.

It took him a good few seconds to realise he had bitten his lip so hard he could taste blood, and that Spock was now laying level with him, his arm across his heaving chest.

"I warned you," he said weakly. "Sorry I didn't… you know… last that long. Like I said, all stories about my alleged sexual prowess are complete crap," Jim admitted, blushing pink. He glanced at Spock's erection and smirked, crawling down his body and taking it back into his mouth.

After how quickly Spock had made him come, he was determined to get Spock off quickly.

Jim quickly learned that he seemed to prefer his tongue to his throat so he focused his attention on that. Spock's breathing was heavy, hands gripping the back of Jim's head, eyes watching his every move intently. Jim decided to make a real show of it seeing as Spock liked to watch him so much. He pulled off completely, and then licked slowly from base to tip, never breaking his eye contact with Spock who seemed to be tensing up.

He flicked his lithe tongue over the sensitive, double-ridged head and Spock came undone. He let out a moan and Jim felt like if he hadn't just finished, the sound alone would have been enough to get him off.

"I… I…-"Spock attempted to warn, hands pushing Jim's head down forcefully to take his whole length into his mouth as he released.

Jim was pleasantly surprised by the sweet taste that filled his mouth, swallowing every drop as Spock had done for him.

He crawled back up the bed and lay next to Spock who was breathing harder than Jim had ever seen him breathe previously, his face flushed slightly green.

Neither of them spoke for a while, they just lay tangled together amongst the sheets, exhausted and satisfied and relieved that the pressure had been taken off their relationship by relieving some of the sexual tension.

Jim closed his eyes and nuzzled his face into Spock's neck, his arm wrapping tightly around his waist. Through their skin to skin contact Jim could feel Spock's contentment and it just made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

"It feels weird that we just did that," he whispered with a small giggle.

"It does indeed feel strange that our relationship has crossed into a new level."

"I'm just so sorry that I lasted all of ten seconds," sighed Jim.

"Do not apologise. It is only natural to be nervous. I am sure your performance will be greatly improved by next time," said Spock.

"_Next_ time?" asked Jim, pretending to be outraged. "You're already planning round two?"

"As you may or may not be aware, we do have all night," Spock pointed out.

"I need like two hours minimum to recharge, I'm not eighteen anymore," Jim chuckled but then yawned slightly.

"What relevance does your age have?"

"Uh well, I don't know if its the same for Vulcans but when a human male is like seventeen or eighteen they just walk around with a permanent boner. It was pretty great," Jim smirked.

"Fascinating," said Spock sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

"Hey don't roll your eyes at me," Jim giggled, poking Spock in the stomach.

"You were not supposed to see that," Spock admitted and Jim laughed.

"That was my first time doing anything like this with another guy," Jim confessed. "Was I terrible at it? Be honest!"

"No. You were not terrible. Not terrible at all," Spock assured him. Spock was quickly learning that Jim hid behind a lot of bravado, and beneath it all he was quite an insecure man.

"But you're not saying I was great either..."

"Your skill was greater than any previous experience I have had," said Spock.

"No effing way. I give better blowjobs than _Uhura_?"

"That is not what I said."

"Yes it is," Jim poked Spock in the stomach again and Spock grabbed both his hands to prevent any more poking.

"You have twisted my statement. I did not state you were more highly skilled than Nyota."

"But you said I was better than anyone you'd been with in the past, and since you guys dated for like, a year, I'm guessing that would include her," Jim pointed out.

"Our relationship was rarely physical. She is my only previous sexual partner. As I have told you previously, Vulcans do not engage in casual relationships."

"So. In a really long and complicated way, you're saying you prefer me to Uhura in bed?" Jim smirked and Spock sighed, not wanting to directly say it but Jim would't let it drop. Jim yawned into Spock's shoulder and then closed his eyes, nuzzling his face into his neck. Spock let go of his hands, deciding that the threat of further poking had passed.

"You are tired _ashaya,_ you should sleep," Spock soothed.

"I gotta brush my teeth and get a glass of water, and you gotta tell me what that word means," Jim mumbled, reluctantly dragging himself from the bed and retrieving his boxers from the floor and putting them back on before wandering into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

Once he was done he practically skipped back into the bedroom, climbing back into the bed to wait for Spock who'd gone to shut off the TV and brush his own teeth.

Jim was half asleep by the time he felt a warm, strong pair of arms wrap around him. A gentle kiss placed on his cheek caused his eyes to flutter open. He grinned at Spock, kissing his lips tenderly. They got comfortable; Spock was the big spoon, their bodies completely in contact and Spock's face nuzzling the back of Jim's neck. Jim let out a contented sigh and thought to himself as Spock turned off the lights in the room.

_I love you, Spock. I wish I'd told you sooner. I wish it hadn't taken something so terrible to happen to bring it all out into the open_.

"I… I feel the same, James," said Spock quietly from beside him.

"Get out of my thoughts you sneaky Vulcan, and why the sudden full name?" he whispered

"I apologise, I did not mean to-"

"I'm kidding, you can call me James if you really want, I know you don't believe in shortening names. And you're welcome in my mind at any time, what's mine is yours, feel free to rummage. Just don't look at any of the stuff I used to do in my room when I was like seventeen. That's private," he giggled and he felt Spock smile against his neck.

"Without a mind-meld, I am only able to see and feel traces of thoughts and emotions which you project very clearly. I would never intrude on any private information."

They fell into a comfortable silence, just listening to one-another breathe as they drifted towards sleep.

Feeling safe and contented in Spock's arms, James T. Kirk fell asleep with a grin on his face and a belief in his heart that this was the beginning of something very special.

**~A/N~**  
**Well, FINALLY relieved that bit of tension! What I'm finding a lot of reviewers are saying is that they're glad I'm not rushing the physical side of their relationship. THANK YOU. I mean, I'm so sick of stories where its like:**

**"Chapter 1. Hi, I'm Jim, and I'm a bit of an asshole and we're going to fight but really we like each other."  
"Chapter 2. Here's my dick! Bow chicka WOW WOW. *squeaking mattress*"  
"Chapter 3. I love you, let's be together for ever and ever and have smexy babiez. The end."**

**I mean, give them some DEPTH. Jeez. Anyway. I also wanted to play off the fact that I see Kirk (moreso Kirk played by Chris Pine. Mmmm. Chris Pine ;) *licks lips pervishly*) as this secretly sensitive soul, so no, in my story he isn't some kind of bed-hopping super slut. He's an ordinary guy who has feelings and DID ACTUALLY DIE, JUST A FEW CHAPTER AGO. So yeah. He isn't on top physical form. I don't get why so few other stories address that?! I mean sure I made his coma longer but still, two weeks in a coma? That'd be bad enough. Wow, I sound like I'm just bitching out other fics, when that's not what I mean at all! The majority of them are very well written (better written than mine!). Aaaaanyway. I hope you all continue to enjoy my little unemployment project! Toodles until next chapter :D  
What'sHerName xo**


	10. Chapter 9 - Going Back

**Chapter Nine - Going Back**

Whoever was at the door knocked again and Jim groaned into the pillow, not wanting to move. At some point during the night he and Spock had switched places so he was now the one with his arms around the other. Spock was still fast asleep.

"Fucking… son of a bitch… asshole…" he muttered angrily as he carefully extracted himself from the bed and strode out of the bedroom and to the door, throwing it open angrily.

"Oh, hi," smirked Bones.

"Good morning," Jim grinned, scratching the back of his head and stretching slightly.

"That for me?" Bones laughed, pointing out Jim's obvious morning erection in his boxers.

"It is actually, where should we do this?" Jim asked seriously. He had no embarrassment in front of his best friend, he actually liked to play a game where he'd twist Bones' joke and use it to make him feel uncomfortable.

"Damn you're a creep. I was kidding," Bones sighed, shaking his head.

"You look like you've had a good night," he pointed out, eyes scanning over the obvious hickey on Jim's neck and his swollen lips.

"Ah well, you know, pretty good," Jim said casually but unable to keep the smile off his face.

"I don't wanna hear about it," said Bones quickly and Jim laughed.

"Of course you don't. Anyway. What can I do for you?" Jim asked.

"Well, Joanna went back to her Mom's an hour ago so I'm kinda at a loose end. Maybe hit the gym?" Bones offered.

"That sounds great actually. Give me like… twenty minutes to take a shower and get changed?"

"Thirty minutes," interrupted Spock's voice from the bedroom. Bones raised his eyebrows, looking truly _horrified _and Jim burst out laughing at his reaction.

"Thirty minutes!" he called as Bones practically ran from the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Jim strolled back into the bedroom to find Spock staring at him from the bed. He climbed back in and wrapped his arms around him, kissing his neck.

"Morning," he mumbled against the skin.

"I believe it is the afternoon," Spock pointed out.

"Oh, well, I guess we slept in," Jim chuckled.

They lay in comfortable silence for a few minutes until Spock spoke.

"Was your sleep uninterrupted?" Jim took that to mean: did you have any horrific nightmares about Khan?

"Yeah, I slept really well. I didn't really dream about anything, just about this guy I know," he smirked and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Tell me about this person?"

"Well. He's really awesome. He's tall, dark and handsome, he's a really great First Officer and he's really smart but sometimes he gets a little too uptight with the rules, but I think I can teach him how to break rules. And rumour has it, that this person is _awesome_ in bed," Jim hinted.

"Perhaps you could ask this person to join you in your bed, and you could verify this rumour?"

"They already did," Jim smirked, kissing Spock on the cheek and hugging him tightly.

"I gotta take a shower, I'm going to workout to get all buffed up," said Jim, sliding towards the edge of the bed when Spock grabbed him and held him close.

"Buffed up?" he asked, sounding confused at the expression.

"Yeah you know, buff? Like hench? Like… muscular and hot?" Jim offered and Spock nodded in understanding, letting him go slightly.

"Thank you for last night," he said, dark eyes looking decidedly chocolate brown and very, very human.

"Thank _you_ for last night," Jim grinned. "Once again sorry for uh… you know… being a little too eager," he mumbled, pink blush creeping into his cheeks.

"Do not be embarrassed," assured Spock, kissing his forehead.

Jim sighed contentedly and snuggled under the blanket and into Spock's side. He didn't want to move. He could have happily stayed there all day if he hadn't already promised Bones he'd hit the gym with him.

"So I'm probably going to go home in the next few days. Could I tempt you into joining me?" Jim offered.

"You know you are not allowed to return to Iowa without the permission of Doctor McCoy," Spock pointed out.

"I know, but I'm feeling much better, and he said that physically I'm pretty much completely recovered from my nasty case of dead," Jim chuckled and Spock stared at him seriously.

"It is not something appropriate to joke about."

"Sorry… I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry," Jim backtracked, realising that his comment was pretty insensitive. After an awkward silence Jim slipped out of the bed and into the bathroom to take a shower.

As the hot water ran over him, his mind raced with a jumble of thoughts.

_Did that mean Spock didn't want to join him? Or that he was genuinely annoyed about him joking about his death? Or maybe both?_

As much as he didn't want it to, his mind strayed to Khan and his dream. Why had he dreamed about Khan wanting the code to his chryo-tube? It seemed so irrelevant. Whatever was in the hypo Bones had given him had managed to stop his dreams last night, but Jim didn't want to have to have a hypo every day to stop his dreams.

Deciding at last that he was clean enough, he stepped out of the shower and dried off quickly, wrapping the towel around his waist and walking back into the bedroom.

Spock wasn't in the bed anymore so Jim assumed he was probably in the kitchen getting breakfast, or due to the time of day, lunch. He pulled on his workout clothes and walked out into the living area, towel drying his hair.

Spock was in the kitchen reading something on a PADD. He looked up as Jim walked into the room.

"Iowa has warm summers," he said matter-of-factly.

"It does. Really warm. You'd like it."

"I would be pleased to join you there," Spock said with a small smile.

"Good! I was worried I'd pissed you off with my stupid comment."

"No. But I might suggest you think more carefully before you make humorous references to something so serious in future."

"Duly noted," Jim smiled, crossing the room to pull Spock into a hug. He hugged him back tightly, running his hands down Jim's back.

"You know, I've got five more minutes before I need to meet Bones," Jim said suggestively.

"The activities I had in mind would require you to be present for significantly longer than five minutes so I suggest-"

Spock was cut off by his communicator chirping.

He looked at it with a raised eyebrow before flipping it open.

"Spock here."

"Mr. Spock, Admiral Archer."

"Admiral. How may I be of assistance?"

"You can tell Kirk to keep his communicator turned on," Archer laughed.

"I will be sure to relay your message Sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"Yes. I need you and Kirk to join me this afternoon, we're going to go and check in on the repairs of Enterprise and I'll need you both to sign off on a few things."

Jim felt like a lead weight had dropped into his stomach. He wasn't ready to go back aboard the ship. It was too soon, too fresh in his mind. He swallowed and nodded to Spock.

"Certainly Sir."

"Great! Meet me at the main entrance of headquarters at sixteen-hundred hours."

"Yes Sir. Spock out."

He closed the communicator and set it down on the counter, looking carefully at Jim.

"I… I don't think I can go back there just yet Spock, it's too soon," he sighed, running his hands through his hair.

"I understand that returning to the Enterprise will be emotionally challenging for you. I will support you in any way that I can," Spock assured him.

"Thank you." Jim hugged Spock for a few more moments before saying a quick goodbye and going to meet Bones and hit the gym.

"Damn it man, I swear to god I'm not helping you if you hurt yourself," Bones warned as Jim added more weight to the bar.

"I won't. I used to lift way more than this anyway," he assured his friend, gritting his teeth as he lifted the bar up and placed it on the rack then lay down beneath it, ready to bench press.

"You going for ten?"

"Uhh.. eight," Kirk said as he lifted the bar off the rack and took the full weight himself.

"That's one."

"Two."

"Three."

Jim grunted, trying to find more strength but he had nothing left to give. He tried to push the weight up but he could only get it about half way.

"I'm not counting that as four. You gotta give me an honest four," Bones encouraged and Jim swore at him under his breath.

He finally managed to straighten his arms against the resistance before lowering the bar again to his chest.

"Five. Come on!"

"Shut up Bones you'll make me laugh," Jim gasped out as he completed number six.

"Seven," said Bones in a creepy accent and Jim burst out laughing, almost dropping the weight.

"I'm serious. I'll die."

"And eight. Well done, now move over, it's my turn," Bones practically shoved him off the bench and proceeded to complete the same exercise in half the time with half the effort.

"I can't ever remember a time when you could bench press more than me," sighed Jim as Bones sat back up.

"Me either. But you know, your body has been through a lot, gotta build it back up slowly. I don't mind being the stronger one for a while," he grinned and Jim punched him in the arm shaking his head.

"Not for long."

"We done?" Bones asked looking at the sweaty messes they both were.

"Yeah. I'm pretty done," sighed Jim, shaking out his aching arms.

"Can you hypo me with as much anti-anxiety shit as you legally can? Archer wants me to go up to Enterprise this afternoon and I feel like I might have a complete and total freakout," Jim confessed as they started to walk back towards the apartment building.

"Oh… damn. Yeah sure I can give you somethin' for it. Think that's the first time you've ever asked me to give you a shot."

"There's a first time for everything."

"Like that hickey on your neck? That from a different kind of first time?" Bones asked, nudging Jim with his elbow. Jim blushed slightly.

"Well I could tell you in detail allllll about it," he grinned and Bones looked horrified.

"No thank you."

"Well then shut your bourbon-drinking, cousin kissing southern mouth!" Jim retorted and Bones looked pretend-shocked.

"Well how about you shut your corn-fed, tractor drivin', square dancin' hillbilly farmer mouth!"

"Touché," Jim laughed.

They stopped by Bones' office and he gave Jim the hypo he asked for to control his anxiety before heading back to their apartments.

"You anglin' to go home soon then kid?" Bones asked as they entered the elevator.

"As soon as you'll let me," he nodded.

"Would it be too forward if I asked to join you for the first couple days? Just wanna keep an eye that you're alright."

"That'd be fine. Spock's coming with us too though, so, you know. There could be more hickeys that you desperately want to hear the story of but then change your mind about," Jim teased.

"You're free to go whenever you want, but for the love of god please could you and Spock have separate rooms until I leave?"

"Maybe," Jim laughed as he let himself into his apartment and Bones continued down the hallway towards his own.

Jim noticed right away the note on the counter for him and picked it up.

_James,_

_I have returned to my quarters to ensure I am dressed appropriately in uniform for our meeting with Admiral Archer. May I suggest that after your exercise you consume a larger than usual meal? I would not want you to fall behind your weight-gain targets._

_I will meet you at 16.00; please do not be worried about returning to the ship, worrying is illogical._

Jim read the note in Spock's voice and smiled to himself.

He cooked himself a reasonably healthy lunch of grilled chicken with vegetables, he'd have rather had French fries but there weren't any in the apartment, Bones had made sure of that.

He showered and got dressed in his uniform. He decided to wear his black undershirt only as his Captain's gold shirt just didn't feel right.

Leaving in plenty of time to make sure he wouldn't be late, he started to walk to Starfleet headquarters. If Bones hadn't given him the hypo, his heart would have been going a mile a minute, but he felt strangely calm and it almost felt wrong.

He waited on the steps, arriving only a few minutes before Archer.

"You're looking a little better," he commented.

"I have a very good doctor," Jim smiled.

"Glad to hear it. You heading off home to Iowa soon?" the elderly Admiral asked.

"Yes sir. As soon as I'm sure I won't be needed here I'll be off."

"Well, once you sign off on everything today, we won't need you until the re-christening ceremony so you'll be free to go," Archer nodded.

Spock arrived with his usual curt nod of the head in greeting to Archer and a small smile to Jim when Archer wasn't looking.

The three men boarded a shuttle which Archer asked Jim to pilot and they headed up to the Space dock. They made a polite smalltalk, mostly instigated by Archer, but other than that they were pretty much silent until the ship came into view, held stationary in space-dock.

"Holy crap," Jim mumbled as he saw the mess the ship was in. Work was ongoing to repair the hull but the damage was still very extensive and very obvious.

"She was banged up real good," nodded Archer in a slightly more polite translation of what Jim had said.

"Take her straight into Enterprises' shuttle bay," ordered Archer and Jim nodded, piloting the small shuttle towards the doors which opened to allow them access before closing behind them.

"Welcome!" came a familiar voice as they disembarked the shuttle.

"Mr. Scott! Thought you were going home for a while?"

"No Sir, Enterprise needs me and I cannae let a lady down," grinned Scotty.

"Mr. Scott is overseeing the repairs and the upgrade to the warp core," explained Archer.

"Upgraded warp core?" asked Spock.

"Jus' some minor adjustments really, more economical use of coolant and what have you, an' a door lock that can only be overridden by me, gotta keep wee rascals from climbin' up in there," nodded Scotty, looking anywhere but at Jim who looked anywhere but at Scotty.

"Yes, young rascals have a tendency for doing that," said Archer, clapping his hand on Jim's shoulder. He winced slightly as his muscles were sore from the gym.

"We're havin' somethin' really grand installed too Captain! It's called a… well… I won' bore you with the full name, but we're calling it the holo-deck. It'll run any holographic sequence you program it with. You can basically go anywhere you can imagine, but without leavin' the ship. It's very clever," Scotty explained excited as the four men walked towards the turbo-lift.

"That does sound pretty great. So I could just imagine a sunny day in a nice corn field in Iowa, and it'd be there?"

"Well, you'd have to program it first which'd take a bit o' time depending on the complexity of the environment, but aye Sir, completely possible."

The lift stopped at engineering and Jim swallowed hard. His anxiety shot seemed to be wearing off very quickly and his palms started to sweat.

"We've had fixin' the engines and core as our top priority," explained Scotty as the four men stepped out of the lift. Spock shot Jim a concerned look but Jim shook his head slightly.

_Don't worry. I'm fine. I can handle it._

There were engineers scattered through engineering, fixing things, tinkering with things and installing new things.

"But now we're almost done with that, so work is slowin' down here and movin' on to other parts o' the ship. We've got a team over in medbay installin' upgrades and some of the new specialist equipment and another team working on the hull damage."

"Seeing as a mission of this duration has never before been attempted, the ship is being prepared for a more normal kind of life. Starfleet regulations will be altered for the course of the mission to allow relationships between crew members, and the adjustments to the medbay would make it equipped to deal with any children born during the mission," explained Archer.

"Fascinating. It appears Starfleet is seeing this mission as not only an exploratory one, but as a form of social experiment as well?" Spock asked.

"That's right Mr. Spock. In a way, Enterprise will be our first foot forward into this new way of thinking. Now that Section 31 has been shut down and there are no more secret dreadnaught class warships kicking around, we're keen to study some more peaceful subject matter."

"Admiral Archer, would it be wise to allow relationships to be formed amongst the crew? Could this not affect their ability to complete their duties to maximum efficiency during the mission?" Spock asked and Jim screwed up his face slightly.

_Surely Starfleet allowing relationships would make it easier for me and him to not get in trouble for whatever is going on between us? Why would he question it?_

"That was something brought into consideration, and there will be rules, it isn't just 'hey everybody, go have sex with your whole crew because you can', it is more complicated than that. Starfleet are trying to adjust to the fact that five years is a long time out of a human lifespan, and it is better to prepare for the possibility of relationships, marriages, and even babies aboard the ship, than to deny the fact that even if forbidden, it will probably still happen." Jim was certain by the way Archer was looking at him that he'd noticed the hickey on his neck. He'd tried to cover it but hadn't done the best job.

Spock nodded slightly in response.

Jim's heart was pounding just from being _near_ the warp core, but it got much worse as they walked along the now repaired catwalk and down the steps so they were standing mere feet from the door.

Spock shifted uncomfortably, Jim shifted uncomfortably, Scotty was babbling about something Jim had to sign off on, which he did without even properly reading it. Anything to be away from the core. He caught a glimpse of a doorway with a clear door and a rush of blurred memories flooded his mind.

Cold glass. Burning skin. Choking. Spock's face out of focus.

"You alright Son?" asked Archer and Jim nodded quickly.

"Should we go take a wee look at somewhere else?" Scotty suggested quickly and Jim was first to bound up the stairs towards the turbo-lift, keen to put as much space as possible between himself and the machine that killed him. As he walked well ahead of the other three men, Jim visibly flinched as Khan's cold voice echoed in his mind.

_What's the matter Captain? Afraid the big, bad warp core might come back for seconds? No. That's what I'm for. Get the code for my chryo-tube from Archer. Now. _

"Sir. What about… Khan? What's happened to him?" Jim asked, his voice getting quieter towards the end of his question. He could feel three pairs of eyes on his face.

"He is in chryogenic preservation in a secure Starfleet facility. He's no danger to anyone, don't worry," assured Archer and Jim decided to drop it.

_Are you deaf or just as stupid as you look? Get. The. Code._ Jim ignored the voice in his head, pushing it down and trying to pay attention to what he was doing.

They followed Scotty around the ship as he chattered excitedly about the new changes, the upgrades and the repairs. Jim signed off on anything and everything put in front of him, trying to seem interested for Archer's sake. He also tried to avoid making eye-contact with Spock because he knew he would see right through his confident act and see how much he was really _uncomfortable_ being back aboard the ship.

Jim zoned out, barely paying attention to anything happening around him and the next thing he knew he was back in the shuttle with Spock and Archer and leaving the Enterprise.

He stared at Earth below them, half in daylight, the other half in darkness. So beautiful. It reminded him why he wanted to go on the five year mission to begin with, to find more places like this. More planets and more life.

An alarm sounding in the shuttle brought him swiftly back to reality.

"Weapons fire, bearing one four zero," Spock told him quickly. Jim looked at it on his screen.

"That's long range, that's a torpedo or a bomb or… something," he said looking at the signal.

"It is heading for the planet Captain."

"If I put us between it and the surface will it make any difference?" Jim asked and Archer nodded.

"Negative. The object is far too large."

"Can we destroy it?"

"This shuttle doesn't have guns big enough to make a damn bit of difference to something that size," yelled Archer over the sound of the alarm.

"Archer to Komack, we've got a problem up here. Some kind of long range incoming missile," Archer barked into his communicator.

"Roger that, defence satellites should take care of it," Komack's voice rang out. Jim had always hated that guy.

"As the surface of the planet is majoritively water, there is only an approximate forty two point three percent chance that the weapon will make contact with land, and the probability of it impacting an area inhabited by humans is smaller again," said Spock, calculating in his mind quickly.

Jim was getting damn sick of the blaring alarm so he reached above his head and pulled open the panel, digging through the mess of wires he found the one for the sounder and yanked it out, silencing the alarm.

"Thank god for that," sighed Archer.

Jim turned the shuttle around and tried to spot the incoming object.

"Weapons are locked on the object Captain."

"Fire everything," Jim ordered and the shuttle fired upon the approaching bomb.

It made absolutely no difference. Even when the perimeter orbit defence satellites fired, the weapon was untouched.

Quiet realisation hit the three men that it was going to hit the planet. Jim turned the shuttle back around, weapons still uselessly firing at the object.

"Shit," he muttered as it drew nearer the planet and disappeared from view somewhere over the North American continent.

"The damn thing got through! Report? Any idea where it hit?" Archer demanded into his communicator and it was silent for a few seconds.

"No reports yet, I'll relay as soon as possible."

"Who in the hell is firing on our planet?!" Archer yelled.

"The energy signature of the weapon would suggest it is… Klingon in its origin Sir," said Spock and Archer's face fell.

"Reported impact of missile in the Southern United States. Somewhere in the region of Georgia or Florida. There's going to be casualties. I have no more information right now," came Komack's voice through the communicator.

"Get us down there, _now_," ordered Archer and Jim nodded.

"Aye, Sir."

**~A/N~**

**Dun dun duuuuuunnnnnnnn!  
Bet that's not what you were expecting huh?**

**I'll try and keep you on your toes ;)**

**More soon lovelies! I won't leave hanging from that ending for too long!  
To everyone who takes their time to review, can I just say again thank you from the bottom of my heart, you are lovely, lovely people and you make me so happy :) **


	11. Chapter 10 - 'Go'

**Chapter Ten - 'Go'**

The weapon fired on Earth was confirmed as a long range Klingon device. It had impacted in Georgia, just south of Atlanta on a small town.

Chaos ensued. The bomb had destroyed over twenty by twenty city blocks. The initial death toll was estimated at around four-thousand, but continued to rise exponentially.

"We're going to help right?" Jim asked as the shuttle descended through the atmosphere.

"Damn right we are, take us as close as you can get," Archer ordered.

They landed in a field about a block away from the beginning of the carnage and Jim was out first, sprinting towards the nearest burning building, looking for any survivors.

Spock was next to follow, more tolerant to the heat he could get closer to the fires that ravaged the ruined structures.

After checking several buildings Jim made the grim realisation that they were very unlikely to find anyone alive. The device had contained some kind of thermal explosive, and the intense heat from the detonation had scorched everything it had touched.

"Hello? Anybody in here?" he yelled, approaching another building. The silence that followed his call was deafening.

"There's nobody here Spock. Nobody has survived this," he cried out, running his hands through his hair. Archer limped over. He didn't move very quickly due to his age.

"Emergency teams are on their way, I think we should-"

"MOMMY!" echoed a terrified voice from the wreckage of the nearest building.

"Shit, there's a kid in there! I'm going to find-"

"You will injure yourself," said Spock, cutting him off.

"But the house is on _fire_ and this kid will die unless I do something!" Jim argued, pushing Spock out of his way and looking for a way into the house. Deciding a broken window was his best bet, he carefully ducked inside. The heat was incredible.

"Where are you?" Jim yelled, trying to hear a response over the crackling of the fire that was threatening to consume the whole building.

He could hear muffled crying from the next room and followed the sound, squeezing through a partially collapsed doorway.

A small boy was cowering in the corner. He was obviously burned and very scared. Jim carefully made his way over to him and the boy looked up.

"Let's get out of here little buddy," said Jim, gently picking up the boy and carrying him to the window he came in through, carefully lowering the boy out first. He was no older than three years old and his feet didn't reach the floor from the window ledge. Archer noticed and hurried over, taking the boy from Jim so he didn't have to drop him. Jim clambered out, wiping sweat and soot off his face with his hands.

He took the boy back from Archer and had a better look at him. Any exposed skin was angry and pink where it had been burnt by the thermal shock of the blast.

"Do you have _any_ regard for your own life?" Archer asked him, he had that same exasperated tone that Bones had whenever he asked Jim the same question.

"Not if it means helping someone else."

"Mommy," he whimpered and Jim bit his lip. There was no doubt his mother was probably dead in the house somewhere.

"It's OK, I got you," said Jim as he took him a safe distance away from the burning house.

Ships were flying over them from all angles as help arrived in large quantities.

"There are no further survivors in the house," came Spock's voice from behind Jim. He looked around to see Spock covered in soot.

"Damn it. I can't… this is an act of war," said Archer seriously.

"Admiral. Is it advisable that you return to Starfleet headquarters immediately to assist in dealing with the situation," Spock suggested and Jim nodded, the small boy he was holding now crying into his chest and tugging at his shirt.

"Spock, take the shuttle and take the Admiral back to base. I'm going to keep looking for more survivors here."

Spock looked at Jim with an expression that said 'I want to argue with you, but I know it's pointless so I won't even bother'. Spock left with Archer, promising he would return.

"What's your name kiddo?" Jim asked the small child he was holding. He guessed the boy was no older than three; he was definitely younger than Joanna.

Joanna.

Shit.

Didn't Bones say she lived with her Mother in Georgia?

"Jimmy," mumbled the boy and Jim smiled.

"Great name," he said as he carefully set him down and pulled his communicator from his pocket.

"Kirk to McCoy."

"Jim… have you seen what's… oh my god. I have to get out there! I have to-"

"Bones! Len. Calm down. I'm already here. Where would they be?"

"Oh thank god! Jo would have been at school; and Jocelyn at work, opposite sides of town… I just oh my god, I can't even comprehend-" Bones' voice cracked and Jim's heart broke a little bit at hearing his friend so upset. He'd never seen or heard Bones upset in the entire time they had been friends.

"I'll find them Bones. I'm sure they're fine. Georgia is a big place. I'm sure that they're alright."

Bones rattled off addresses of where to find his ex-wife and daughter and taking the small boy with him until he could hand him over to someone who could take care of him, Jim took off in the direction of the first location, Joanna's school. The young boy settled holding on around Jim's neck with his legs around his chest, hanging on like a limpet.

His heart was pounding and he could feel a lump rising in his throat as well as rage like he had never before known coursing through his veins.

_If anything has happened to her I'll personally torch the entire Klingon planet._

"Mister your holding me too tight," whined the boy and Jim realised he was gripping his legs a little too tightly.

"I'm sorry buddy, we're almost there I think," Jim assured him, loosening his grip.

He turned a corner of another devastated street and saw the school ahead. It was on fire but as the building was concrete rather than wood it seemed to have fared much better than the majority of the houses.

"I need you to wait here for me, okay?" Jim told the young boy, putting him down a safe distance from the building next to a fire hydrant.

"When's Mommy coming back?" he asked and Jim looked away didn't have it in him to tell the child that his mother was probably dead.

"I don't know, we'll try and find her," he promised as he left the boy and ran towards the school's main door.

The inside of the building was in good shape and Jim was thankful as he realised there would have been no casualties here.

He went room by room until he found Joanna's class. The children were obediently hiding under their desks in case of further threat.

"UNCLE JIM!"

Joanna hurtled across the room and grabbed Jim and he picked her up.

"I'm so glad you're safe," he mumbled into her hair, hugging her tight.

Jim addressed the teacher of the class.

"Better get everyone outside. There's no further threat but there's a fire on the other side of the building." The woman nodded, obviously terrified.

Jim carried Joanna out of the building and pulled his communicator from his pocket.

"Bones I've got her, Joanna is safe," he said quickly.

"Thank god! Oh thank god! I'm getting in the shuttle with Spock now, we're comin' to help."

"I'll start heading for Jocelyn."

"We'll find you. Joanna I love you," Bones said. There was so much fear in his voice. Jim hated hearing him like that.

"Love you Daddy!" she called into the device.

"Oh thank _god_," Bones sighed.

"I'll see you soon," said Jim as he ended the connection, putting his communicator back in his pocket.

The little boy Jim had rescued from the house had wandered around a hundred metres from where Jim had told him to wait.

He set Joanna down to walk and scooped up the little boy.

"Running away huh?"

"No. I want to go home," he pouted.

"I know kid. Me too."

As fast as he could with Joanna and the young boy in tow, Jim made his way across the devastated town. There were more and more people on the streets now. Some injured, some trying to help, all terrified. The further he walked, the worse the damage seemed to become. He was obviously getting closer to the centre of the blast.

The Klingons would pay. That was for sure.

After about twenty minutes of walking Jim spotted the Enterprise shuttle landing a few hundred metres ahead of them.

Spock and Bones left the shuttle in a hurry and Bones took off running down the street towards his daughter who ran towards him just as fast.

"You are never, ever, ever leaving my sight again," Bones told her as they met, hugging his little girl tightly.

"We're going to try and find your Mom now okay? You're going to stay in the shuttle with Jim and… Kitty, and the little boy Jim's got there, and I'm going to find her," he explained and Joanna nodded.

"Bones, I should come too, I can-"

"Stay with her. I want her to stay in the shuttle. I don't want her to see any more of this," he said. Bones looked terrified and angrier than Jim had ever seen him look at the same time.

"They can stay with Spock. I'm coming with you."

Leaving the two children with Spock in the shuttle, Jim and Bones ran towards Jocelyn's workplace. Jim didn't want to say anything, but to him it was clear they were nearing the centre of the blast. The damage was much worse the further they ran.

"Oh god. Jim. It's gone. The building is completely gone," Bones gasped as they drew closer.

They reached the remains of the building and Bones stopped in his tracks. He slowly looked down at the ground, holding his head in his hands. Jim slowly approached him and put a comforting arm around his shoulders.

It was obvious that nobody in the building had stood a chance of making it out alive. The building and all those around it were completely flattened.

"She can't be. I can find her," Bones said weakly, his eyes filling with tears.

"Len. I'm so sorry," Jim said quietly.

Sirens blared around them; emergency teams were putting out fires, pulling people from wreckage and trying to establish identities of missing people.

Bones' eyes traced over the ruins over and over again. The fire was intense and they couldn't get any closer to it without burning themselves. Bones tensed and Jim grabbed him before he could launch himself into the fire.

"I CAN FIND HER!" Bones roared, fighting against Jim and trying to get to the smouldering ruin of the building.

"Len. Stop. You'll kill yourself and then Joanna won't have you. Just breathe."

Bones slumped and sat on the ground, head in his hands. Jim carefully kneeled beside him.

Nothing was said, Bones just quietly sobbed into Jim's torn and filthy shirt.

The fire was put out and the grim news confirmed. Nobody in the building had survived. Bones clung to hope that maybe she'd skipped work that day. Gone out of town, gone to visit her parents, anything. He'd have to wait for the official identities of victims to be released until he could know for sure.

The two men trudged back to the shuttle, exhausted and filthy from the fires that burned around them.

Jim handed the small boy he had pulled from the house over to a rescue team, but not before Bones had quickly healed his burned skin with a handheld dermal regenerator. The boy gave a small smile as he walked away, not understanding what had happened, but grateful to the men who had saved him.

Bones and Joanna sat together. Joanna was crying, Bones was crying and Jim could hardly look at them without feeling like _he_ was going to cry.

Jim was about to suggest they left and headed back to San Francisco. They were no use there. The response had been enormous and there were people better trained and better equipped now dealing with the situation.

Spock looked at Joanna and Boned sadly, before looking to Jim.

"Let's get out of here," Jim nodded and they took off, leaving behind the chaos below them and heading back to San Francisco.

Joanna fell asleep in Bones' arms and Jim glanced back at them. Nobody spoke for the whole trip.

"Thank you, for finding her for me," said Bones weakly as they left the shuttle.

"No problem. Tonight the two of you have to sleep in my apartment with me. No arguments. I don't want you being alone," Jim said and Bones nodded, eyes filling with tears again.

"I can't bring myself to believe that she's actually gone, y'know? I keep telling myself it's all a dream and I'll wake up and slap myself for bein' so stupid."

"C'mere Len," said Jim, hugging his friend tightly.

Spock's communicator started bleeping and he flipped it open.

"Archer to Spock. I need you here right away, we've got a situation."

"What is the situation Admiral?" Spock asked.

There was a pause.

"New Vulcan has been hit with a similar device to what hit us today. No confirmed casualties yet."

Spock's face dropped. The last Jim had seen that expression was when he was on the transporter pad in Enterprise when they had beamed him off the collapsing surface of Vulcan and his mother hadn't made it.

"I'm coming with you," Jim said determinedly and Spock nodded.

"Kirk is suspended on medical grounds, effective immediately, don't bring him with you," Archer barked. Jim's fists clenched. _Fuck you, Archer_.

Spock looked at Jim as if silently asking what to do, he looked conflicted. He had to go and help his people, go with Starfleet, but Jim needed to be there too. Jim shook his head. His eyes were begging Spock to stay, pleading even. _Don't leave me here by myself. I can't keep it together without you Spock._

But despite this, Jim knew what had to be done.

"Go," urged Jim and Spock stared at him for a few long seconds before he took off running towards the main Starfleet building.

Jim had no doubt that Khan's actions were the trigger for the two attacks, when he'd killed that Klingon patrol he must have angered them and they were seeking revenge, they must have seen Spock there and assumed the Vulcan's were part of the attack.

Jim just hoped that Starfleet could get the situation under control before it became all out war.

**~A/N~**

**GO SPOCK GO! GO AND SAVE YOUR PEOPLES FROM ANGRY KLINGONS!**

**Gaaaaaaahh. I feel bad. I killed a whole fictional TOWN. **

**Aaaanyway. I'm just finishing Chapter 13 (which if you leave out the prologue means I'm a full four chapters ahead) and let me just tease you, I mean, TELL you, SHIT IS GOING DOWN. Big shit. Going down. Fo realz.**

**Also, I'm going on holiday for a week... so... yes... that does mean no story for a full seven days! I'm so sorry! I will update once more before I leave, and if y'all could leave me a loveeelllyyy pile of reviews to come back to, well that'd be just grand :)**


	12. Chapter 11 - Waiting

**Chapter Eleven - Waiting**

**Three weeks later**

Jim shifted nervously, straightening his shirt before starting to record his message.

"Hey Spock, just thought I'd y'know, check in, say hi. Hope it's all going ok out there and I hope I hear back from you soon. I… I really miss having you around, didn't realise quite how much you were keeping me sane," he said with a small nervous laugh. He made sure to look right at the camera, as much as he hated leaving video messages; he wanted Spock to at least think he was directly speaking to him.

"Anyway uh… com me back when you get this, if you want, I mean, no pressure." He hit the button to end his message and then sent it. He hadn't heard from Spock for almost three weeks. He'd headed out on the U.S.S. Bradbury to New Vulcan and then to Qo'noS for talks with the Klingons. Archer had gone too. Though unusual for an Admiral of his standing to partake in such a mission, Archer couldn't let it rest and wanted to speak to the Klingons himself.

There was anger on Earth. A _lot_ of anger. The final death toll of the attack had reached over ten thousand, but could have been so many more if the attack hadn't been in such a rural area. However for some this information offered little comfort, Leonard McCoy being one of them.

His ex-wife Jocelyn had been officially confirmed dead and he'd taken the news hard, confiding in Jim one night after a large quantity of Bourbon that he'd always hoped they'd get back together one day, and that he still loved her very much. Most of all he was sad for his daughter. Nobody should have to grow up without a Mother due to a senseless act of violence.

Jim did his best to comfort his friend and his little girl, but doing this whilst at the same time holding himself together was challenging.

Jim's nightmares about Khan seemed to increase in intensity, and over the past three weeks he'd watched everyone on his bridge crew ruthlessly tortured and sometimes killed in horrific nightmares that left him shaking, sweating and often sick.

He'd been finding solace in exercise. Many hours spent alone running for miles at a time, or performing repetitive movements of sit-ups and chin-ups until the motion had lost all meaning. The routine took his mind off everything. Being at home in Iowa was also helping. Bones and Joanna were staying with him in the old farmhouse he grew up in, there was plenty of room and it was a better place for them than San Francisco with all the talk of impending war.

"You sound a little desperate y'know," said Bones quietly from behind Jim, startling him.

"I do not sound desperate!" Jim objected quickly.

"Yes you do."

Bones walked around and sat down slowly on the other side of the old wooden table, the chair creaking slightly as it took his weight. He held a bottle of Bourbon in his hands. Jim decided it was almost time for an intervention with the amount of that stuff he was getting through.

"Maybe a little. I just want to know he's alright, and maybe that he remembers I exist…" Jim sighed exasperatedly.

A loud rumble of thunder shook the old house slightly, causing a murmur of 'Jesus' to escape the Doctor's lips. The rising humidity of Iowa's early summer was causing frequent storms. Jim always loved the storms as a kid, and that hadn't changed as he'd grown up.

"I'm sure he remembers you. He's probably just, y'know, busy."

"But if it was the other way around, I would have called him. Anything just so he wasn't left hanging in this 'are we or aren't we' bubble," Jim sighed. Bones rose from his chair and reached for two small glasses from the shelf, pouring a little of the brown liquid into each he handed one to Jim who accepted it gratefully.

"You are. You know you are. I know you are. Stop making this into something else! He's gone to sort this shit out, and he'll be back and then you two can sort your shit out. There's only so much shit a man can take!"

"Tell me about it," Jim grumbled, emptying his glass and making a face as the unpleasant taste filled his mouth.

"Oh stop being such an infant."

"You're an infant," Jim protested as he re-filled his glass.

Another loud rumble of thunder shook the house and the lights flickered for just a second.

"Damn it man! I'm a Doctor not an Electrician and if these lights go out, Joanna will get scared and I can't deal with that!"

"I can fix it if they go out. They won't anyway. Sturdy old house, it'll be fine," Jim assured him and downed another drink.

The rain lashed heavily against the windows. Jim couldn't help but think it was almost like a cliché horror movie as they sat in his kitchen with the storm raging outside. The next part of the movie would be a mysterious knock on the door in the middle of the night.

Jim's communicator chirped and he snatched it up off the table, flipping it open.

"Spock?" he said hopefully.

"'Fraid not, son," came Archer's voice.

"Admiral," said Jim bluntly.

"Oh don't sulk Kirk, you know exactly why I couldn't let you come along."

"Yes Sir," he said through gritted teeth.

"I've been told to let you know that before you can go back on active duty, you'll have to pass all your Starfleet entry tests again. Now, that hasn't come from me, but there's only so much I can do. I can't get you out of it. So just get yourself ready," Archer warned.

"Thanks for the warning Sir, but I _am_ ready." Bones raised his eyebrows at Jim across the table, silently asking him 'Jesus, how do you have the _balls_ to speak to an Admiral like that?'

"You really are one cocky son of a bitch aren't you?"

"I've been told," said Jim, now smiling slightly knowing that Archer had been on his side all along. He blamed Komack for suspending him. Jim always hated that guy.

"Alright kid, well I'll com you when your ship's ready. Archer out."

Jim closed his communicator, setting it back on the table. He really was disappointed that the call hadn't been from Spock.

The two men sat in the renewed silence, drinking the bottle of Bourbon at a somewhat aggressive pace and listening to the sound of the storm and the loud ticking of the kitchen clock. Bones' eyelids grew heavy and he was starting to drift off when a loud knock at the door startled them both.

"Holy hell! You're not really gonna get that are you?" Bones demanded as Jim practically jumped to his feet, stumbling slightly over his chair. He was definitely more drunk than he originally thought.

"Uh… yeah I am," Jim said as he walked out of the room and towards the front door. He flicked on the light and snatched up a baseball bat that was leaning against the wall from earlier when he, Joanna and Bones had tried to play baseball with only three players.

"Damn it man! A knock on the door in the middle of the night could only mean one thing. An axe murderer!"

Jim snorted at Bones' ridiculous suggestion and inched closer to the door, baseball bat held high.

A bright flash of lightning illuminated the outline of a tall figure standing outside and Bones let out a particularly non-masculine whimper.

Jim took a final step forward and flung the door open, relief flooding him as he saw the familiar face.

"Spock! What are you doing here?" he asked as he lowered his baseball bat.

"You suggested that I could stay with you here several weeks ago," he said nonchalantly, lowering his hood and stepping into the house out of the storm. Jim closed and locked the door behind him. Spock was carrying a large holdall presumably of clothes and in a very un-Spock-like way, he threw it onto the floor. He pulled off his coat and threw it on top of the holdall.

"You could have sent a com you know! Rather than scare us out of our god damn minds by knocking on the door at fuckin' two am!" Bones growled.

"I wasn't scared," Jim pointed out quickly.

"Yet you still armed yourself with this primitive weapon. You are both under the influence of alcohol?" His question came out as more of a definitive statement. He _knew_ Jim and Bones were both drunk.

"Pssh. No. I'm fine, Bones has had a few too many though."

Jim took his first good look at Spock as they stepped into the living room. He looked tired, drained even. He was certainly paler than usual.

"You look exhausted," Jim said quietly.

"The last fortnight has been… challenging. Fortunately there were no casualties on New Vulcan as the weapon struck far away from the settlement. The talks were discouraging however. Though a ceasefire is in place for now, the Klingons insist that no Federation planet ships should stray anywhere near their space or they would risk incurring consequences."

"Fuckin' pieces of-"

"Bones. Maybe you should go to bed," Jim interrupted before his friend could enter a full blown foul-mouthed drunken tirade.

"Maybe _you_ should go to bed," he teased.

"Maybe we should all just go to bed. It's really late. We can talk about it in the morning," said Jim and Spock nodded slightly in agreement.

"Well fine. But I'm not sleepin' in the middle," Bones grumbled.

"Dr McCoy, I do not believe that Captain Kirk was suggesting we would all share one bed," Spock said, raising an eyebrow.

"I know that hobgoblin! It's called a joke! J-O-K-E joke. It's a little somethin' that humans like to do sometimes," he said, his voice rising in volume slightly.

Jim stepped over to his friend and quietly told Bones he should really go to bed. He shrugged and stomped upstairs, muttering obscenities to himself along the way.

Spock took a thorough look around the living room. It was spacious, though slightly cluttered by more furniture than was needed. The furniture was all out-dated, much of it in pre-millennium styles. A picture caught his eye, hanging on the wall and he stepped towards it.

The man in the picture was obviously Jim's father. There could be no doubt about it. He had the same blue eyes, the same hair, the same jaw line and cheekbones, even the same stance as he stood proudly in his Starfleet uniform, a woman beside him who looked like she could be Jim's mother.

"That's him," Jim said quietly.

"I apologise, I did not mean to intrude on-"

"It's on the wall Spock, you're allowed to look at it. You want to see something funny? Come look at this one," Jim beckoned to the picture he was closest to and Spock crossed the room to look at it, smiling slightly at the image.

Jim could have been no older than two years old and he was sitting in a miniature red wagon, being pulled by a similar looking older boy.

"That's my brother George," Jim pointed to the older boy in the picture.

There was silence for a few moments until Jim looked at the floor.

"Anyway. I'll make the bed in the spare room for you if you like and-"

Jim was cut off as Spock wrapped his arms around him unexpectedly. He breathed deeply and buried his face into Spock's shoulder. He felt like he'd waited far too long for this.

"Or you can share my bed with me," he mumbled.

"That would be… preferable."

"Well come on then, let's go. I'm beat," Jim yawned a little bit before trailing his hand down to Spock's and linking just his first two fingers with Spock's. Spock tensed slightly and Jim realised they had never really touched hands before.

"Something wrong?" Jim asked, looking at Spock's face. They were very close together, only a few inches between their faces.

"This is how Vulcan's kiss," Spock said, glancing at their fingers.

"Oh. I'm sorry! I didn't realise," said Jim, dropping his hand quickly and blushing pink. He decided that he did that entirely too often around Spock.

Spock grabbed his hand again, linking their fingers in a different way. Jim took it as a sign of encouragement.

"Well this is how humans kiss," Jim smiled slightly, leaning in and connecting their lips in a gentle kiss.

Spock pulled away after a few seconds. He looked so tired Jim was worried he might fall asleep standing up.

"Bed?" Jim offered and he led Spock upstairs to his room.

It hadn't changed much since his late teens and he quickly ripped down a poster of a girl in a bikini, apologising as he did so. Spock didn't seem to care though; Jim could tell he was completely exhausted.

He ran back downstairs to fetch Spock's holdall for him and by the time he had returned Spock was fast asleep on his bed, still in his uniform and on top of the comforter.

Jim carefully removed his boots so he'd be more comfortable and then wrapped the comforter around him, getting another one from the closet for himself. He quickly changed and crawled into bed, leaning over and gently kissing Spock's cheek before falling asleep.

Spock watched Jim intently. He was tossing and turning and mumbling to himself, sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"No. Khan. No," he mumbled and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"STOP IT!" Jim yelled suddenly, jolting himself awake.

Without noticing Spock was awake beside him Jim jumped out of the bed and hurried from the room. After a few seconds Spock heard water running as Jim splashed cold water on his face.

Minutes later Jim walked slowly back into the room, closing the door behind him with a small click. He sighed heavily and crawled back into the bed, his breathing heavy.

"Are you alright?" Spock asked quietly and Jim jumped a little bit.

"Didn't realise you were awake."

"You were having another nightmare."

"Yeah. They're getting worse, definitely. I don't know how much more of it I can take. PTSD is a bitch," Jim sighed and Spock shifted closer to him, but not touching yet.

"Has Doctor McCoy been effectively treating your condition?" Spock asked.

"Well, yes and no. He gives me shots of anti-anxiety stuff but they only last about half the day, it was the talking about it that was doing me the most good. Being able to unload you know? But he doesn't want to talk at the moment. I can understand he's got problems of his own, he's grieving over Jocelyn, he's trying to help Joanna grieve for her Mother, but I've had nobody to talk to and it's been driving me crazy," Jim sighed. In the half-light Spock could see his eyes were wide open and staring at the ceiling, and that he'd pulled off his shirt, no doubt throwing it carelessly somewhere on the floor.

"You can talk to me, about anything," said Spock, regretting immediately how human the statement sounded.

"It is logical as I may be able to offer you some assistance," he added quickly.

"It's always the same dream. Khan is torturing someone in some hideous way, and I'm always watching, always tied up and not able to help. He asks me for the code to open his chryo-tube and my answer is always the same, I didn't lock him in there, I was dead at the time, so how could I know? But he just gets angrier. Last night he put me back in the warp reactor and it made me remember parts of… when I was really in there. And I had no memory of it before. Bones says I've probably repressed it. It's common with PTSD to repress the memory of whatever caused the condition in the first place." Jim sighed and rolled over onto his front, wriggling around and trying to get comfortable. He gave up and rolled back over onto his back.

"Perhaps due to the presence of his blood in your body, Khan is trying to communicate with you, trying to get you to free him from stasis," Spock suggested. He felt terrible for even suggesting it.

"That's crazy though, I mean, he's _frozen_. His mind can't be talking to my mind if his is offline. It doesn't make any sense."

"You are correct; it is a highly illogical theory."

"But… what if it is true Spock? What if me knowing that code could unwillingly pass the information onto him and set him free? He's already killed so many people. I can't be responsible for any more death," Jim's voice faded to a whisper.

"You are not responsible for anyone's death. Khan and Alexander Marcus are responsible for-"

"I just want it to stop. I just want to be able to sleep without everyone I care about dying in front of me every night," Jim cut him off.

Spock thought carefully. He didn't really know how best to advise Jim as he couldn't imagine being in his situation.

"If I were to join our minds whilst you sleep, I could remove these thoughts before they reach you. You would not be aware of them." What Spock was suggesting was risky, it would be exhausting for him to constantly field away these nightmares from Jim's consciousness, but he could tell he was getting so emotionally drained from dealing with them that maybe just a few nights would give him the strength he needed to fight back against the thoughts himself.

"I can't ask you to do that," Jim whispered, turning to face Spock.

"You are not asking, I am offering," said Spock quietly, his hand reaching up and gently touching the side of Jim's face. His rough, sand-coloured stubble felt strange against his sensitive fingertips.

"I just really need to sleep," Jim whispered.

"Sleep, _ashaya_, I will not allow these thought to trouble you."

"Spock what does that word mean? I'm serious. You have to tell me."

"I do not have to tell you anything."

"I'll start calling you 'Kitty'," Jim threatened.

"It… does not have any suitable translation in standard so I am unable to-"

"Bullshit," Jim cut him off. "You're a terrible liar Spock, so don't even try it."

Spock paused before giving in and telling him.

"Love. It means love."

Jim was silent. Through the darkness Spock could see his face was very serious and he wondered if telling him was the wrong thing to do.

"You… love me?" Jim whispered.

"I can think of no other word to describe the way I feel," said Spock without hesitation.

"But you just left for three weeks? You didn't contact me once, I was so worried and I thought you didn't want to be with me or talk to me or-"

Jim was cut off by Spock pressing his lips against his.

"I did not contact you as I did not want to disrupt your routine. I did not want you to be reminded that I was not with you. I also did not want to be reminded that I had left you here when I was so far away. It made me feel… guilty," Spock confessed.

"You shouldn't have felt guilty, duty called you away you know? I mean I was a little jealous, but being a mentally unstable physical wreck means I'm not fit for duty right now so I couldn't have gone with you anyway," Jim sighed.

"You are neither of those things."

"Well, I'm slowly going absolutely fucking insane with these nightmares, and yeah, I'm still kind of a physical mess," Jim muttered, turning his back to Spock. It was obvious he was in a very bad mood.

Spock shifted towards him and draped his arm across his bare chest. It was larger than the last time they had been this close, his muscle was rebuilding quite nicely.

"Your physical condition looks to have improved greatly. Your muscle mass and tone has increased by a considerable amount," Spock told him quietly, trailing his hand across his chest and down to his abs.

Jim seemed to relax at his touch.

"But I'm not how I was. I'm sick of looking like this. I want to be how I was before," Jim sulked.

"You will, I have no doubt," said Spock, gently kissing the side of his head.

"The nightmares are more complicated. They come every night and I can't stop them, but I'm so tired that I can't stay awake and I… I'm so s-sick of seeing everyone d-die," Jim's voice cracked as he fought back tears. He was getting emotionally weaker by the day as he was repeatedly faced with the mental onslaught.

"Let me take the nightmares away from you," Spock whispered. Jim hesitated and then nodded slowly.

Spock's fingers carefully traced over Jim's face, settling on his meld points. As the meld began Jim felt himself less and less aware of his surroundings. All he knew was his mind, and Spock's mind, and the soothing thoughts flooding his own, covering up all the worry and stress and replacing it with tranquil deep blue calm.

A wave of sleepiness washed over him through the meld and he knew Spock was influencing him to go back to sleep. He was so tired that it didn't take much encouragement.

Jim was woken a few hours later by the sound of Bones and Spock arguing downstairs in the kitchen.

"Well _I_ think that since he's my best friend I'm perfectly damn entitled to have an opinion about who he dates!"

Jim rolled out of bed.

"I was simply suggesting that Captain Kirk's relationship choices are not of your concern."

He bounded down the stairs.

"God damn it hobgoblin! It is_ plenty of my damn concern_!"

Jim barged into the kitchen to find Bones practically at Spock's throat. Bones was glaring at Spock who was holding a neutral expression, clearly not as annoyed by the situation as Bones.

"He's _my_ friend and if you hurt _his_ feelings with any of your weird mind voodoo or any of that other shit, you'll have me to answer to!" Bones growled.

"Doctor McCoy has it occurred to you that the Captain's current distressed mental state could be a result of a lack of suitable medical treatment?"

"You son of a-"the remainder of Bones' sentence was lost as he lunged at the Vulcan, taking a swing at his face. Spock didn't even flinch as McCoy's fist contacted his cheek.

"Bones! Cool it!" Jim yelled; drawing both of their attention to the fact he was in the room whilst they argued over him.

"Now both of you! I'm serious. I don't know what has started all of this, but last night you were bitchy and now today you're having a god damn screaming match in my kitchen. Now calm the fuck down. Bones, get in the living room, now, we need to talk," Jim ordered. Bones glared at Spock one last time and stormed from the room.

Jim followed him and forced Bones to sit in a comfortable old armchair, Jim settling on the couch opposite.

"Now _what_ was that?" Jim demanded.

"Well. I heard you, last night y'know, really late again going to the bathroom all stressed out and splashing water on your face. I've heard you all the nights you've done that. I didn't quite know how to bring it up. I didn't _want_ to bring it up. But then that pointy-eared know it all comes waltzing down here this morning, telling me that I'm not taking care of you properly as your Doctor, and that your mind is a jumbled up mess and he's been fiddling with it and trying to put it right. I don't agree with it Jim! What if he fucks something up in your head, hmm?"

"Bones he isn't going to. He knows what he's doing and you know? I slept pretty great once he helped me. No medicine, no chemicals, no hypo's, nothing. Is this really about that or is it about something else?" Jim asked and Bones frowned at him.

"What else would it be about?"

"Our relationship," Jim said bluntly. Bones exhaled slowly and seemed to be weighing up the merits of speaking his mind against how much he didn't want to say it.

"I just don't want you getting hurt. That's all. I care about you, much as I hate to admit it, and I don't want to have to pick up the pieces when this little fling you've got going on goes horribly wrong and ends in tears."

"It won't, and it isn't a 'little fling' either," Jim snapped.

"I only want what's best for you," Bones shrugged.

"I appreciate that," Jim sighed. "But you have to appreciate that what Spock and I want is between us."

"Fair enough. Just don't come cryin' to me when he breaks your heart," Bones stood up and walked out of the room through the screen door that led outside. Joanna was playing in the large yard at the back of the house.

Jim stood up and walked back into the kitchen, trying to push his anger back down. Bones had really pissed him off.

"Morning," he smiled to Spock who nodded in response. If Jim had thought he had looked tired last night, he was now a whole new level of exhausted-looking.

"Did you sleep at all?" Jim asked.

"In order to protect your mind I must keep my own mind active, something I am not able to do whilst sleeping."

"Go back to bed Spock," Jim sighed.

"Illogical. I am already-"

"Come back to bed with me then?" Jim offered, trailing one hand down Spock's forearm until their fingers brushed together with a spark like electricity flooding both of them.

"I must decline. Sleeping during daylight hours is… illogical," Spock insisted and Jim pouted.

"Well, I'm going to take a shower then, I'll see you in a bit," said Jim, he sounded almost… dejected.

It took Spock a good few minutes to realise that Jim hadn't been asking him to go to bed to sleep.

As if on cue, Bones walked back into the kitchen with Joanna in tow.

"KITTY!" she shrieked excitedly, jumping up and down.

"Joanna," Spock nodded slightly in greeting.

"Kitty I'm so glad you're here! We can ride bikes and go on the swings and do drawings and-"

"Now sweetie, what did we say about Mr. Spock's name hmm?" Bones interrupted his little girl.

"Not to call him Kitty," said Joanna, looking at her shoes.

"Sorry, Kitty," she grinned up at him.

Bones rolled his eyes. "I did try Spock, but she's pretty set on her name for you."

"It is quite alright Doctor. She does not cause any harm, and I am sure she will grow out of it eventually," said Spock.

"We're gonna head up to a lake that Jim took us to last week, do you two fancy joinin' us?" Bones offered.

"I was actually going to return to sleep, I am very tired. My rest last night was… inadequate," Spock tailed off and Bones smirked.

"Yeah, I bet it was."

"As we discussed earlier, I do not believe it is any of your concern," said Spock coolly.

"Pfft. Alright hobgoblin, whatever you say. We'll be back later this afternoon," said Bones as he snatched up the keys to Jim's car and he and Joanna left.

Upstairs Jim had just got out of the shower when he heard his car start. He peeked out of the window and watched it drive slowly up the driveway towards the road where it turned left.

_Bones is taking Joanna back to the lake_ he thought to himself as he tied his towel around his waist and walked from the bathroom back to his bedroom. As soon as he stepped through the door it was closed and locked behind him and he was thrown down onto his bed, Spock landing on top of him, straddling him.

"Whoa Spock what are you-" he was cut off as Spock kissed him, hard. After a second to realise what was actually going on, he was kissing back.

Jim tore at Spock's clothes, his shirt hitting the floor in a matter of seconds, their lips meeting in another rough kiss.

Next were his pants and these took slightly longer, but were flung aside carelessly to join the shirt before Jim could really even compute what was happening.

Somewhere along the way his towel had been lost, and Spock's hands were _all_ over his wet, naked body.

Jim moaned into Spock's mouth and the Vulcan shuddered slightly as the sound caused a further rush of blood south.

"Want you so bad," Jim managed to gasp between hungry kisses.

Breaking the kiss for just a moment, Jim fumbled in his bedside drawer for a bottle of lube. He'd sneakily obtained some after getting home to the house, just to be ready for when Spock decided to come and stay with him.

Before he could even say '_be gentle I've never done this before_' two of Spock's fingers were coated in the substance and sliding into Jim's virgin opening. He whimpered at the initial discomfort and bit his lip.

Spock distracted him with another hard kiss, and then started to trail his kisses down Jim's neck, pausing to leave a very obvious hickey, and then down his chest and stomach. He took just the head of Jim's now raging hard-on into his mouth and sucked gently whilst working his two fingers in and out of him.

Jim didn't quite know how to deal with the overwhelming sensations flooding his body and his mind. He'd _never_ been dominated like this in the bedroom, and he had no idea it would turn him on this fucking much.

"More," he gasped out and Spock obliged, adding his third finger and causing Jim to writhe and moan. He was aware of Spock's warm mouth leaving his erection.

"I… I want to-"

"I want you to. Please. Do it, stop teasing," Jim pleaded. In the back of his mind he realised he was on his back with his legs in the air, _begging_ for his First Officers cock, but he also realised that he didn't care in the slightest.

"I am not teasing, I am ensuring you are adequately prepared for-"

"Spock! Shut up and fuck me," Jim practically growled through frustration. Spock didn't need telling twice. Jim bit his lip as Spock sank slowly into him, pain creeping up his spine at the intrusion. Once he was all the way, Spock stayed perfectly still, watching Jim's face carefully for any sign of pain.

The heat of the moment had died away and their touches had become gentle not forceful, caring and careful.

"I'm ok," Jim assured him, the concern in Spock's eyes obvious. He leaned up slightly and captured the Vulcan's lips in another kiss.

Spock pulled out about halfway before thrusting carefully back in. Jim gasped and flinched slightly at the discomfort.

"I… am hurting you," said Spock, trying to pull away.

"No! No you aren't, I can take it, it'll only hurt for a moment and then I'll be fine," Jim tried to convince him but Spock still looked uneasy.

"Stop worrying, it's 'illogical' remember?" Jim smiled and Spock nodded slightly.

Jim wrapped his legs around Spock's waist and moaned quietly, his eyes slipping closed. Spock began to move again, slowly, cautiously, but Jim was reacting differently now. The sounds he was making didn't suggest he was in pain. In fact they suggested quite the opposite.

"M-more," Jim stuttered, bucking his hips up. Spock sped up, finally allowing himself to acknowledge the pleasure pooling in his own body. He bit back the moan threatening to escape his lips.

"Yes!" Jim gasped suddenly, eyes flying open and hands gripping Spock's shoulders so tightly he was sure there would be bruises there later. Spock took extra care to hit the same exact spot on his next inward thrust and Jim lost all self control, moaning and writhing beneath him.

"Does that feel good _ashaya_?" Spock murmured in Jim's ear. He nodded, unable to get a coherent word out.

"S-so good," he gasped.

Spock bit down on his neck and Jim moaned again, hands trailing over Spock's back, short nails clawing at the pale skin

Certain that his human side was now completely in control, Spock let his own gasp of pleasure escape his lips. Jim's blue eyes shot open at the sound, his legs wrapping tighter around his waist, pulling him closer.

Spock thrust harder and faster, and Jim moaned his approval loudly, mumbling something that Spock wasn't even sure was a real word as he wrapped his hand around Jim's erection and started to bring him to the edge.

His other hand found its way to Jim's psi points and he lost all control. Feeling Jim's pleasure along with his own was too much and he came hard, moaning and burying his face into Jim's neck. Jim followed seconds later, gasping Spock's name as he released all over his stomach and Spock's hand. Panting, Spock slowed his movements to a stop and started to pull out, only to be stopped as Jim grabbed his hips and held him still, he didn't want them to separate yet, maybe ever.

Through the mind-meld they could both feel each other starting to come down from their incredible high.

"Spock… that was… oh my _god_," Jim groaned. "We are doing that five times a day forever, no question."

"Only five times?" Spock questioned and Jim laughed, allowing him to pull out and drop onto the bed beside him.

"OK, maybe ten," Jim giggled, nuzzling his face into Spock's neck as they wrapped their arms around each other.

"Ew… uhh, one second," Jim laughed, getting up and wandering to find a washcloth to clean off his stomach and Spock's hand. Spock lay still, intrigued by the way his heart was still pounding double-time.

"Here you go," Jim handed him a warm wet cloth and he cleaned his hand before handing the cloth back to Jim who after cleaning his stomach, threw it on the floor.

"Do you always throw so many items on the floor during sexual encounters?" Spock asked, smirking slightly.

"Yep. Everything goes on the floor. Anyway, you started it," Jim pointed out, poking Spock in the ribs.

"Indeed I did. Though I do not regret it," Spock smirked and Jim grinned.

"No, neither do I. You can start that _any_ time you see fit."

They lay in silence for a few minutes, wrapped in each others arms, both just allowing their bodies to return to normal until Jim's stomach growled loudly.

"See, now you gotta make me a sandwich," Jim laughed.

"I do not follow." Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Well, you had sex with me, which means I'm going to be either hungry or tired afterwards. Right now I'm hungry, so get your ass to the kitchen and make me a sandwich," Jim teased.

"I was under the impression it was the woman who brought the man food after intercourse," Spock retorted and Jim laughed out loud.

"You saying I'm a _woman _now?"

"I was merely pointing out that yes, you are in fact a woman," Spock taunted and Jim put on his best pretend hurt and shocked face.

"Well, how _dare_ you," he giggled and Spock smiled wider than Jim had ever seen him smile before, he was practically grinning and it made Jim's heart skip a beat.

"Woman or not, I… I love you," Spock said hesitantly. His brown eyes staring straight into Jim's bright blues.

"I love you too," Jim said quietly, the gap between their lips evaporating quickly.

They broke apart giggling when Jim's stomach rumbled loudly again.

"Bitch _where_ is my sandwich?!" Jim complained and Spock pushed him playfully.

"It is your house; you know how to find the kitchen."

"Well maybe I just will. You want anything?" Jim offered.

"No, thank you," said Spock, his eyes slipping closed.

"Sleepy?"

"Very," Spock mumbled into Jim's neck.

Jim kissed his forehead and pulled the covers over him as he got out of bed, pulling on his boxers and practically skipping downstairs to get some food.

Since Bones wasn't there to stop him he ate the unhealthiest thing he could find, which happened to be a burger and fries. He ignored the fact that they had probably been in the freezer for over a year and cooked them up anyway, pleasantly surprised when they didn't taste like they might kill him.

He was just finishing up his food when Bones and Joanna got back.

"You eatin' crap there kiddo?" Bones asked.

"Yep," Jim grinned.

"Well, don't come cryin' to me when you're all fat and you want me to fix it," he said gruffly, dropping down into the chair opposite Jim.

"You're not naked under there are you?" he asked, raising an eyebrow as he noticed Jim wasn't wearing a shirt or pants that he could see.

"Yes, Bones, I'm naked. I like to cook naked and walk around my house naked and dance around naked and just all in all do everything naked, in fact when we get back to the ship I might sit in my Captains chair naked. Would that make you happy?"

"Well, _sorry_ for checking! You don't have to unload the mother of all sarcastic rants on me," Bones sighed.

"Sure I do. You like it," Jim smirked, biting on another French fry.

"Joanna's out in the barn again, she's obsessed with it," said Bones, shaking his head slightly.

"I used to like it a lot when I was a kid, it's a good place to play pretend," Jim nodded.

"Jesus man, did he try and bite your throat out or what?" Bones demanded as he saw the harsh red mark on the side of Jim's neck.

"Oh this?" Jim cocked his head, pointing at the mark,

"Yes that! Unless you have any other savage bite marks you aren't showing me."

"Well there's this one on my ass I was hoping you'd take a look at…" Jim stopped talking and started laughing at the expression on his friends face.

"No he didn't hurt me. It's fine, just a hickey," Jim shrugged.

"Well I have _never _seen a hickey that looked like that before."

"You didn't stay long at the lake, how come?" Jim asked, changing the subject.

"Forgot to put sunscreen on little Jo and she burns up too easy in this hot sun. I'm a pretty bad parent," Bones shook his head.

"You're not a bad parent! God help them if I ever have kids, I'd probably forget to put _clothes_ on them," said Jim and Bones laughed.

"God. That's true. Well, we can always hope all that nasty radiation made you sterile," Bones grinned and Jim kicked him under the table.

"Hey! I want kids someday, I think…" Jim trailed off.

"Hopefully in about 50 years when you actually grow up," said Bones, stealing a fry from Jim's plate.

"Yeah that sounds about right."

Jim finished his food and took his plate to the dishwasher. He stretched and yawned and realised just how tired he really was from his earlier activities with Spock.

"Sleepy?" Bones asked.

"Yeah, I'm gonna go take a nap I think."

"Hey listen about earlier? I didn't mean to come across as such a jerk, I just don't want you to get hurt, that's all. And if you want to talk to me about those dreams, or anythin' at all, you can," Bones said sincerely and Jim smiled.

"Sure. I know that, I mean you could have been a bit nicer about it but we can forget it ever happened. I'll see you later." Jim headed upstairs to bed, curling under the blankets next to Spock and wrapping his arms around the sleeping Vulcan.

Allowing his breathing to slow and his eyes to close, Jim started to slowly fall asleep until he noticed Spock's dark eyes peek open slightly.

"T'hy'la," he murmured sleepily, wrapping his arms around Jim tightly. Jim was pretty sure he wasn't awake.

"Uh, same to you?" Jim guessed. He didn't speak much Vulcan and he knew he needed to change that.

Spock didn't stir so Jim guessed he'd just been talking in his sleep and cuddled close, falling asleep much quicker than he thought he would.

**~A/N~**

**Extra long chapter for you all! And y'know, what we've all been waiting for -shifty eyes-**

**I'm leaving for my holiday in the sunshine in about an hour's time, leave me some lovely reviews to come home to? *puppy dog eyes***

**Wow i'm doing a lot of eyes. I need to control myself. Is it weird that I just want my holiday to be over so I can get home and keep writing this? Haha. LOVE TO YOU ALL!**


	13. Chapter 12 - Set Me Free

**~A/N~**

**Well hellooo! I have returned, I hope this lovely long chapter makes up for my week away. Thank you for all the reviews/faves/follows 3**

**Shit is about to get very, very real.**

**ENJOY!**

**_Oh and P.S. I haven't skipped any time, this chapter follows right on from the last one_****.**

**Chapter Twelve - Set Me Free**

_Jim looked around. He was outside his house in Iowa, it was the middle of the night and dead quiet, the only light coming from the moon and the stars above._

_A voice caught his attention and he turned around to find the source._

_"You are not trying, Captain."_

_"Well of course I'm not trying, why would I try and get you something that I don't want you to have?" Jim asked, running his hands through his hair. He briefly thought for a second how strange it was to be having a dream about Khan where he wasn't tied up or being beaten._

_"You do not understand. I will obtain my freedom from you, no matter how hard you try to resist, I will succeed," said Khan, his eyes narrowing as he approached Jim. _

_"Well how are you going to do that? Hmm? Spock's put a stop to your little mind games and-"_

_"Oh no James, there you are mistaken. All he has done is grant me access to his own thoughts," said Khan, corners of his lips twitching in a smirk._

_"So you have your code? Big deal. If you're inside the tube you can't open it," shrugged Jim._

_Khan smiled and his eyes glinted malevolently._

_"No. But you can."_

Jim rolled out of bed. He pulled on his clothes and walked silently down the stairs and out of the front door into the darkness, snatching up the keys to his hover-bike on the way.

The cool night air wasn't enough to wake him. Jim Kirk was still fast asleep; his body however, was very much awake and making its way to San Francisco.

He rode the bike about twenty miles south to the nearest transporter point, paying his credits to be beamed instantly to San Francisco, leaving the bike behind. He walked confidently down the street, after all, he was Jim Kirk, nobody would question him and if they did, he was smooth-talking enough to get out of any situation.

He practically _strutted_ into Starfleet HQ and through the maze of corridors until he reached the door he wanted.

_Secure storage._

He placed his hand on the palm-reader and the door opened smoothly.

He stepped forward into the corridor, a security guard standing up and opening his mouth. Jim grabbed him and crushed him into the wall before he could react. He was unconscious in seconds, slumped onto the floor, Jim taking his phase pistol and tucking it into the waistband of his jeans.

Jim hid the guard behind a large stack of boxes waiting to be collected and continued down the corridor until he reached the next door.

Using his palm again, he let himself through.

The corridor continued. Jim glanced around, keeping a look out for any further security officers. By this point there weren't any, anyone unauthorised should have been stopped by the two doors or other guard.

At last finding the room he wanted, Jim placed his hand on the last print-reader.

"Access denied," rang out a robotic voice.

Jim froze. As a Captain he should have access to everything in this area, none of it was highly classified and as deemed unsuitable for his eyes.

He tried again.

"Access denied. James Tiberius Kirk," said the computer stubbornly.

Jim exhaled heavily. This hadn't been part of the plan. Kirk himself was still dead to the world, no idea what his body was being used for.

His lips twisted in a small smirk as he realised the one person who would undoubtedly be able to open this door, and he'd be sleeping in an apartment right upstairs.

_Archer_.

Spock awoke early as he always did, turning over in bed to reach for Jim and opening his eyes when he felt only cold sheets beside him. He sat up, looking around the room and listening carefully for any sign of movement in the house, but there was nothing.

He got up and pulled on some clothes before walking downstairs quietly so he didn't wake McCoy or Joanna.

Jim was nowhere to be found in the house. Spock wasn't too concerned, Jim would often go for an early-morning run if he woke up early, and he was sure he would return soon.

He got himself a glass of water and sat down on the couch in the living room, looking around again at the pictures hanging on the walls. Jim as a chubby baby, Jim as a toddler with some kind of food all over his face, Jim on his first day of school, Jim going to his high school prom, Jim only a few years ago in his Starfleet cadet uniform… _Jim's running shoes sitting by the door._

Spock stood up, crossing the room to verify. He felt uneasy as he realised the shoes he had spotted were indeed the ones Jim would wear running.

He searched the farm more thoroughly, checking in the garage where Jim kept his car and bike, the old barn and then upstairs in the house. He was certainly nowhere to be found.

He attempted to call Jim's communicator, only to hear the device chirping from his bedside drawer.

Deciding that it was logical to now check the only rooms he hadn't already checked, Spock knocked on the door of the room McCoy was staying in.

"C'min," McCoy murmured sleepily and Spock opened the door.

"I apologise for disturbing you but I must ask; have you seen James this morning?"

"_James_ is probably still sleeping if he's got any sense," groaned McCoy pulling his pillow over his head.

"I am unable to locate him anywhere on the property."

McCoy seemed to wake up slightly more.

"Say what?"

"I said, I am unable to locate him anywhere on-"

"Figure of speech hobgoblin," he groaned, sitting up and scratching his head.

"Well did you try his communicator?"

"It is in his bedside cabinet," said Spock.

McCoy got out of bed and stretched, grumbling in a low voice about 'pain in the ass Vulcans'.

"Unless little Jo woke him up and he's in her room with her?" he suggested. Spock nodded, that was one other place he hadn't checked.

McCoy walked down the landing, peeking open the door to Jim's mother's bedroom, where Joanna was sleeping in the middle of the large double bed.

Jim definitely wasn't in the house.

"Well, I don't get it. Where would he have gone?" McCoy asked, scratching his head again as he and Spock walked downstairs.

"I am unsure."

"No chance Starfleet could have called him in? Archer maybe?" the doctor suggested.

"I find it illogical that he would have left in the middle of the night without first telling either of us where he was going," said Spock, determinedly keeping a calm tone in his voice though on the inside he was starting to feel concerned.

"Yeah, even by Jim's standards, that's pretty illogical," McCoy quoted.

"Well, what do we do? Wait all day and see if he shows up?"

"I am unsure," said Spock, trying to shake off the now growing feeling of unease.

"Kirk I swear to _god_ I'm going to personally throw your ass in jail for this!" Archer threatened as Jim manhandled him into the elevator.

He said nothing, just kept the phase pistol aimed at Archer's lower back.

"Are you even in there? What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you on drugs? Are you having some kind of breakdown? Is this a fucking prank?" Archer demanded, waving his hand in front of Jims face.

"I assure you _Admiral_ that I am perfectly fine," said Jim in a voice very unlike his usual tone.

Archer risked looking around to get a good look at his face. His eyes weren't right; they were grey and dark, not bright and blue. Something was very wrong.

"When we reach the ground level we will walk calmly to the secure storage area, we will enter using your palm-print. There is a guard unconscious in the corridor, you will not react. We will proceed until we reach room 14a, where you will then grant me access. I will then consider letting you leave," said Jim coldly and Archer nodded. He was certain that this wasn't Jim Kirk. 'Jim' tucked the phaser into the back of the waistband of his jeans again so nobody would see it.

The lift doors opened and Archer did as he was told, walking them calmly down the corridor until he reached the room that Jim specified.

"Now, since I know you aren't Jim Kirk, are you going to at least look at me when you kill me after I open this door? Or are you going to shoot me in the back?" Archer asked, pausing with his hand above the scanner.

"I only need your hand Admiral, I can vaporise the rest of you," 'Jim' threatened, his eyes narrowing.

Archer opened the door and Jim delivered a fierce blow to the side of his head, knocking him out cold.

He ran into the room.

Row upon row of chryo-tube.

His people.

His _family._

Khan quickly found his own tube, punching in the code and stepping back as it opened. Unable to maintain consciousness in two bodies simultaneously, Jim's body fell heavily to the floor, his head hitting another tube hard on the way down.

Khan sat up slowly, his body sore and his mind sluggish from being in stasis. He rolled his shoulders, wincing as he realised his right one was still broken from his fight with Spock._ No matter. In a few days it will be completely healed._

He stepped out of the tube, smirking down at Jim's unconscious form. He shook him roughly and the Captain woke, blinking hard in the bright light. It took him a good few seconds to come to his senses.

"You fucking piece of-"

Khan backhanded savagely him across the face, cutting him off.

"I will warn you once and once only Mr. Kirk so listen very carefully," began Khan.

"I'm not listening to your-"

Despite his broken shoulder Khan lifted Jim easily off the floor like a rag doll, pinning him to the nearest wall by the throat. Jims eyes widened slightly in fear.

"_Listen very carefully_," Khan spat and Jim nodded slightly.

"I'm all ears," he gasped out and Khan narrowed his eyes.

"You will not seek me out, you will not attempt to detain me, you will not attempt to kill me. If you do, I will kill you, I will kill your Vulcan, I will kill your brother, your mother, your doctor friend and his young daughter. I _will_ kill everyone you cherish in your life. Do not think I am not serious Mr. Kirk because I am a man of my word, and I mean _every_ word," he spat. Jim struggled. His head really hurt, he could feel blood on the side of his face.

Khan dropped him to the floor.

"I hope you enjoy my blood Mr. Kirk, its abilities truly are something quite incredible to behold."

With that he was gone, swiftly walking the length of the room and sweeping out of the door.

Jim was left panting on the floor, clutching his head. He had no idea where he was, how he'd got there and what in the hell had just happened. He lay like that for a few minutes, the throbbing in his head getting worse. He tried to keep his eyes open, tried to focus on dragging himself to his feet and getting out of the room, going after Khan.

He stumbled a few steps towards the door when it burst open, a security team ordering him to get on the ground. He put his hands up and the next thing he knew was darkness.

Jim woke up staring at a plain white ceiling in a plain white room. His clothes had been changed; he was now wearing all white and no shoes, just white socks.

All the white made his brain hurt.

He sat up on the uncomfortable bed, looking around the room. He spotted the camera on the ceiling in the corner and walked over to it slowly. His right hand rushed to his head. He'd been bleeding, he'd hit his head on something. It was clean and healed with no blood anywhere to be found.

"Hello?" he offered tentatively.

He almost jumped out of his skin when one entire wall of the grotesquely white room became clear. His eyes took a second to adjust, but then he could see people stood outside, watching him.

He approached the glass.

"Bones? Spock?" he hissed.

"See, he recognizes us, he aint crazy!" Bones protested.

"Unfortunately Doctor McCoy I do not believe that will serve as reason enough for the Captain to be declared sane," said Spock. He was standing stiffly as he usually did on the ship, back painfully straight, shoulders back, hands behind his back. His eyes were dark as they stared at Jim.

"Guys? Can you let me out? Whatever game this is isn't funny anymore," Jim protested.

"Jim you're in a secure mental facility. You wigged out, ran off to San Fran, punched Archer upside the head and let Khan out of his freezer," sighed Bones and Jim looked like he'd been slapped in the face.

"I… did… what?" he said quietly. He looked at his hands. They were covered in grazes and marks that he did not remember ever making himself.

The door to Jim's white room opened and a nurse walked in, she was yammering something about psychological evaluation. Jim agreed to anything she wanted. He took once last glance at Bones and Spock before he was led through a maze of white corridors to a room where a doctor was waiting.

The doctor had white hair, a white beard and a white coat. _What is it with white in this damn place?_ Jim thought to himself.

"You know why you are here," said the shrink.

"I did some things that I don't think were me," said Jim slowly.

"Explain."

"Well I died and I was brought back to life with a serum made from the blood of this three-hundred year old superhuman, but he was a big terrorist threat so they put him back in the freezer. Somehow his blood let him connect to me and take over my mind in my dreams, so he must have taken over my body too, and done whatever I'm supposed to have done," Jim explained. He realised that his explanations made him sound, if possible, even more insane.

The doctor wrote something down on his piece of paper.

"Hey what are you writing?" Jim asked.

"A three-hundred year old superhuman?" asked the doctor, one eyebrow raised in the same way Spock would raise one. It was as if to say 'bitch, really?'

"I swear to you, I'm not making this up. Contact Starfleet, I'm a Captain of one of their ships, contact Admiral Archer! He can tell you this is all true, please, I just need to see my friends," Jim could feel himself cracking up. He just wanted… Spock. He just wanted to be near him and to touch him and know that everything would be alright.

"A Starfleet Captain?" the shrink asked. Jim wanted to rip that eyebrow right off his smug face.

The door opened and a nurse appeared, walking over to the doctor and whispering something in his ear. Looking disappointed, the doctor stood up.

"_Captain_ Kirk, Starfleet are here for you," he said. Jim hurried from the room, following the nurse. He'd happily take any punishment Starfleet had to throw at him if it meant being out of the crazy house and away from doctor irritating.

He was sent into a room and allowed the change back into his clothes, after that he was allowed out into the main reception area where three people were waiting for him.

Bones, Spock, and Archer himself, who looked less than pleased to see Jim.

Jim was less than pleased when Spock grabbed him and Archer handcuffed him.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Jim demanded.

"Please do not be alarmed, this is only a precautionary measure," said Spock. His voice sounded forced, like it was paining him to see Jim like this and to have to be the one to restrain him.

"We're going to question you properly, Doctor McCoy is going to run some tests to ensure you're no further danger, and then you'll be sent back to Iowa and placed on house arrest until further notice. And if the next words out of your mouth aren't 'I'm sorry for abducting you in the middle of the night and punching you in the head', I'll personally ensure that you never get within a hundred miles of a starship ever again," Archer glared at Jim.

"I… did that? Admiral, Sir, I'm so sorry. I never-"

"Admiral, with all due respect it is clear that Captain Kirk was not behaving as his usual self during the incident in question. He clearly has no memory of his actions, if they were even his actions at all. I firmly believe that as a side-effect of his blood transfusion, Captain Kirk was controlled by Khan, and it was Khan himself who assaulted you," said Spock. Archer glared at him.

"You would say that, anything to stick up for your little girlfriend-"

"Enough!" interrupted Bones. The three men stared at him, Jim in particular shocked that he would speak to Archer like that.

"Jim's been havin' nightmares ever since he woke up, hearin' Khan whisperin' in his mind. I don't know how, but I honestly think there could be truth to this! Jim wouldn't hurt a fly, Sir, unless it's in a bar fight and he's defendin' himself, I honestly believe that. I've known him long enough to know that, it's not in his nature," said Bones and Archer glared at Jim.

"Examine him at Starfleet medical. Thoroughly. Everything. There was something wrong with his eyes, they had gone all… dark. He wasn't himself, but I'm not letting him leave unless you can prove it doctor," said Archer, he then stormed out of the building, beckoning for them to follow.

"There's nothin' the matter with you," Bones sighed as he looked over Jim again.

"Are you sure?"

"I can't find anything wrong. Even his blood is a lot better than a few weeks back, a little high on adrenaline and a couple of hormones, but nothing serious. Where does that leave us Admiral?" Bones turned to Archer.

"He needs to go home, but I need him watched at all times. Would you be able to stay with him? If he starts going crazy again, jab him with a hypo of 'night night' and com me?" said Archer and Jim smiled slightly. Archer did only want what was best for him. He should be going to jail at this point, and he'd had a very lucky escape from the mental institution.

"I need a minute alone with him too," added Archer and Bones nodded, letting himself out of the room.

"Damn it kid, you really scared me," Archer sighed, sinking into the seat Bones had just vacated.

"I scared myself. I woke up, no idea where I was or how I got there or what was happening. You know as soon as I'm fit enough I'm going after Khan right?" said Jim seriously. Archer nodded.

"I know. And I can't order you not to. I can only _suggest_ you don't do it. The rest of his crew have been moved somewhere he'll never find them."

"I can't let him get away, he's killed too many people, he's done too much damage and he's still a threat to everyone. You've seen what he made the Klingons do." Archer nodded.

"As I said, I can't order you not to do it. It also goes without saying that if you do find him, he's not entitled to any kind of trial. Shoot on sight," he told the younger man. In his opinion Jim didn't look like he had it in him to kill anybody.

"Yes Sir. Any update on the expected date of Enterprise being ready?"

"End of August. You'll need to make a speech, I hope you don't get bothered by public speaking," he said, smiling slightly.

"A little, but I'm sure I can get over it," Jim nodded.

"Keep yourself out of trouble. And any further mishaps like last night and I _will_ throw you in jail, or tell your Mother, understood?"

"Honestly Sir, telling her would be worse than jail," Jim laughed as he and Archer left the room.

Spock was standing outside waiting and Archer shot Jim a knowing look before leaving them alone in the corridor.

"You're looking at me like you hate me," Jim sighed, looking away from Spock.

"I do not hate you. I am however extremely concerned for your welfare," he said sincerely.

"Don't be. I'm fine. We need to plan to catch Khan though; I can't have him running around when I'm responsible for it."

"You are not responsible. I should have kept the information more carefully guarded within my mind; I did not anticipate his ability to remove such information." Jim and Spock started to slowly walk down the corridor.

"He told me that his blood was remarkable, as if I hadn't already experienced all the effects of it, what do you think he meant by that?" Jim asked and Spock looked at him curiously.

"I do not know. Was Doctor McCoy able to locate any abnormality?"

"Nothing," Jim sighed.

"Though it is certainly by no means a positive thing that Khan has escaped, perhaps this now means he will no longer trouble your mind whilst you sleep?" Spock suggested and Jim nodded.

"I hope so. I'm going to find him Spock. When I'm good and ready, I'm going to find him and I'm going to kill him."

"That is if I do not kill him first, Captain," said Spock and Jim's lips flickered in a small smile.

"You know? That'd be fine too. He has to be stopped and I'm not picky on how we do it," Jim said as the two men began to walk back to the transporter point.

"We should formulate a plan and then conduct research into his whereabouts," suggested Spock and Jim nodded.

"All in good time Spock, all in good time. By the time I'm ready for this, Khan isn't going to know what hit him."

**~A/N~  
Oops. I let Khan out.  
My bad!**


	14. Chapter 13 - Mothers Love

**~A/N~**

**Eeeeeeeee sorry, this was meant to go up last night but I was obsessively editing the next chapter and lost track of time! My bad! Sincere apologies! Just a heads up though, updates are now going to come every other day rather than every day, I'm finding I'm spending so much longer writing each chapter that I can't get a whole one done in a day. I'm trying not to leave accidental plotholes, just deliberate ones you can fill in yourselves :D**

Now I know after the last chapter you're all probably expecting a nice juicy helping of Khan in this part. Sorry to disappoint... You get Winona though! And oodles of fluffy goodness. Enjoy :3

**And once again, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for the reviews, faves, follows, all of it. It sounds stupid and cliche and bleh, but it really does spur me on to write more and to write better (or try to anyway, ha). So thank you. :D**

**~edit 04/07/2013~ now with silly typo's fixed! If you spot anything wrong please do tell me, I'm a bit of a silly goose like that :3**

**Chapter Thirteen - Mothers Love**

_*****Two months later*****_

It was early morning, the weak sunlight lapping at the blinds of Jim's bedroom told them both that much. Jim was half asleep; he'd been woken by the birds outside and some other noise that he hadn't been able to quite put his finger on the source of.

Spock was awake beside him; needing less sleep than Jim he'd normally wake up first and then lay there waiting for his partner to wake up.

In two months Jim had come a long way. He had got over his post traumatic stress and no longer needed Bones to pump him full of anti-anxiety medication at the slightest mention of the ship. He'd also reached a new physical peak; finding himself fitter, faster and stronger than he'd ever been in his life. Nobody needed to know his hard training was preparing him to pursue and kill Khan. All they needed to know was that Jim was happy, he was healthy and he was alive.

Being in love suited him. It was good for him. _Spock_ was good for him. As much as it had scared him in the beginning, he felt like it was what he'd been looking for all his life.

A sudden rush of nausea hit Jim like a train. He bolted to the bathroom just in time to throw up into the toilet. Normally after being sick he'd feel better but his stomach felt the same so he stayed there, crouching near the toilet for almost ten minutes until he was certain the threat of any more sickness had passed. He flushed the toilet and brushed his teeth before making his way back to bed.

"Are you alright, _ashaya_?" Spock asked quietly.

"I think so. I must have eaten something bad yesterday or something," Jim mumbled, drifting back into a state of near-sleep.

The sound of a set of keys jingling downstairs and the front door creaking open brought Jim to his senses. One set of footsteps in the downstairs hallway echoed up the stairs, the sound of a heavy bag being put down and then a piercing voice.

"JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK YOU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!"

Jim groaned and pulled his pillow over his head. Spock sat up and looked at Jim quizzically.

"It's my Mom," he groaned.

"JAMES. TIBERIUS. KIRK. ARE YOU DEAF?"

"I suggest you follow her instruction, it does sound as though angering her would be unwise," Spock suggested and Jim snorted.

"Yeah. Really unwise." He peeled himself out of bed and straightened his boxers, running his fingers through his messy hair.

Spock couldn't help but stare at him. The golden tan, rippling muscles that he'd worked so hard to rebuild, the sun-bleached blond hair. He was… perfect. The best part in Spock's eyes was that he belonged absolutely to him, and he had no plans of letting that ever change.

Jim left the room, closing the door behind him and trudged downstairs to find his Mom standing by the front door.

"Christ! Jim you could have put some damn pants on," she sighed, putting her hands on her hips.

"Yeah well I was sleeping."

She looked him up and down.

"You've gotten… big," she said weakly through lack of anything else to say. She didn't really know where to look as her now very grown up youngest son stood practically naked in front of her.

"What can I say? Hard work and lots of protein," he shrugged.

"Get over here and give your old Momma a hug," she said, opening her arms. Jim hugged her somewhat reluctantly. He'd never had the easiest of relationships with his Mother, and her turning up on this particular day wasn't the best timing. Tomorrow he was returning to San Francisco to be evaluated by Starfleet with a view of going back on active duty as soon as the repairs on the Enterprise were complete.

"So how was Tarsus?" Jim asked as she let him go at last. He snatched up a pair of pants sitting waiting to be ironed and threw them on, realising they were Bones' as they were a few inches too short and a little roomy around the waist.

"Oh you know, the same," she shrugged. She kicked off her shoes and paused, noticing Joanna's small pink sandals by the door.

"I hope you don't have any big news to tell me?" she said, motioning at the sandals.

"Huh? Oh. No. Ha. _No_. I have a couple of friends staying, one of them has a little girl and she's here too."

"You're not telling me someone allows their _child_ to be around you?" she said, but Jim could tell she was kidding.

"Oh shut up Mom, I'm not the same guy I was a few years ago. I haven't been in a bar fight in so long my nose might have actually healed properly this time!" he followed her into the kitchen.

"Well wouldn't that be a first since high school!" she smiled as she started pottering around and making coffee.

"Nice to see you and your friends can at least keep my house clean," she said, looking around at the spotless kitchen.

"Oh that's Spock, he's like the ultimate neat-freak, I mean you should _see_ our room, it's like a line goes down the middle where my half begins and…" Jim stopped talking as his Mother raised her eyebrows. He realised he'd said _far_ too much.

"A new plaything of yours?" she asked and Jim blushed slightly pink.

"Nope. Not a plaything. A real thing, maybe even _the_ real thing," said Jim, sitting down at the table and smiling to himself. That was the way he was beginning to feel about Spock. At first it had terrified him. He'd talked at length about it with Bones, pouring out his fears over alcohol one evening, but his friend had convinced him he was being stupid. If it felt right, he should do it.

"Are you telling me James Tiberius Kirk, that I won't have any grandchildren because of your choices?"

"Well what about George! He can go and make you loads of grandchildren, he probably already has…" Jim protested, muttering the last part so his mother didn't hear him.

"I never imaged you with a man," she said, adding coffee granules to her boiled water.

"Well I would hope you don't imagine me with anyone, that'd be weird," he said.

"Oh shush!"

"Did I just come out of the closet just now?" he asked, laughing slightly as he realised it had taken him all of two minutes to spill his big secret to his mother.

"Yes dear. But it's fine. I always had a feeling you'd angle that way. You spend _far_ too long on your tan and your hair. Oh, now that you're gay does that mean we can go shopping?" she teased and he blushed brighter red.

"Mom. Stop. I'm still the same _person_."

"Oh but now you just enjoy co-"

"Whoa now! There's no need to be so graphic about it," he interrupted.

Winona shot her youngest son a wicked smile across the table.

"As long as he makes you happy, then I'm happy for you," she said, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Do I get to meet this man?" she asked and Jim rolled his eyes.

"Well it depends. Do you promise to play nice?"

"I'm always nice," she grinned and Jim sighed.

"Yes dear, I'll be very nice. I promise."

"Well then I can maybe introduce you later or someth-" Jim stopped talking as he noticed Spock in the doorway behind his mother, thankfully he'd had the sense to get dressed before coming downstairs. Winona noticed Jim's eyes were behind her and looked around.

"Oh, hello there dear," she smiled and Spock approached cautiously, smiling slightly just to be polite. Spock studied the middle-aged woman sitting before him. Facially she looked enough like Jim to definitely be his mother, but that was where the similarities ended. She was somewhat rounded and unfit, and her skin was pale, not anything like Jim's golden tone. She had the same warm smile though, and he hoped they would get along.

"Spock, this is my Mom, Winona, and Mom this is Spock my uh… um… friend," he settled with and Spock gave him a puzzled look.

"Partner," he corrected.

"Uh yeah that's the word I was looking for. Partner." Jim blushed even deeper red and started wishing for the ground under the farmhouse to collapse and swallow him whole.

"Lovely to meet you," smiled Winona, standing up and offering Spock her hand. Hesitantly Spock shook her hand. Jim knew how much he hated touching people so he knew it was a big thing for him to have done that.

"It is a pleasure to meet you Mrs Kirk," he said politely.

"Oh please, it's Winona. Jimmy he has such lovely manners! Maybe you could learn a thing or two," she laughed.

"Yeah he does, doesn't he," said Jim as Spock sat down in the seat next to him.

Loud giggling and small feet bounding down the stairs announced that Joanna was awake. The exhausted groan that followed her announced that Bones was in tow.

_Great, more people for my Mom to harass_ Jim thought to himself. Joanna skipped into the kitchen, pausing when she noticed Winona.

"Hi. I'm Joanna. What's your name?" she grinned. Joanna was _really_ coming out of her shell.

"Well hello sweetheart. I'm Winona, Jim's Mommy."

"Y'know Jo, I don't know _how_ you get up so early every day, but I think I'm gonna- Oh… hi," said Bones as he stepped into the kitchen wearing the stripy pyjamas Jim enjoyed teasing him about on a regular basis.

"Mrs Kirk I presume? I'm Leonard McCoy," he offered his hand immediately and Winona shook it, telling him to call her Winona, just as she had to every else.

"So… Mom… how long are you staying?" Jim asked awkwardly.

"Only a few days. I wasn't expecting to be back at all until November, but the opportunity came up and I thought I'd come back and check on you. Jonathan told me you had a nasty accident on your ship, are you alright?" she asked. It took Jim a second to realise that by 'Jonathan' she meant Admiral Archer. They were old friends through him having trained Jim's father during his days at Starfleet.

"Yeah. I'm fine. It wasn't too bad anyway, nothing a good doctor couldn't put right," said Jim, shooting a glance at Bones that said 'for the love of god, please don't tell her any details'. Starfleet had kept the true nature of what had happened to Jim very quiet. The public knowledge of the matter was that he had been critically injured and had made a recovery. The only people who knew the truth were the crew of the Enterprise.

"I'm actually going back to Starfleet tomorrow. I have to re-take my entry tests and pass a physical before I can go back on active duty. My ship is almost ready, and well, I'll be gone five years at least," he said, watching his mothers face.

He'd always felt that his mother blamed him for his fathers death. On that day it was almost as if he'd taken his place in her life, but he couldn't replace him. If he hadn't been born on that particular day, things could have played out differently. George Kirk senior might have made it off the Kelvin.

"Five years? That's a long time in space. Won't you go crazy?" she asked and Jim sighed slightly.

"Nope," he said shortly, standing up from the table and taking her now empty coffee cup from in front of her and putting it in the dishwasher.

Bones was helping Joanna choose a breakfast cereal and Spock was sitting silently at the table, watching Jim's every movement.

"So, Spock, you're an attractive man. Why my Jimmy?" she asked and Jim groaned loudly. Bones hardly hid his snort of laughter.

"Mrs Kirk… your son displays many characteristics that make him a good partner."

"Like what?" she pressed.

"Mom shut up, I told you to play nice. Come on Spock let's go for a walk or something," said Jim, grabbing Spock's arm and dragging him from the room.

"Your Mother is fascinating," said Spock as Jim dragged him upstairs.

"Yeah the other word for it is 'annoying'," Jim muttered.

He quickly showered and dressed so that he and Spock could go out and stay out of the house all day. When he came out of the shower he found, to his despair, his mother sitting at the kitchen table with Bones and Spock, album full of embarrassing baby photos wide open in front of them.

"And this is when he was about six months old," she said, pointing to another picture. Baby Jim was naked in the bath in this one.

"Mom, stop it! I'm naked in like all of these pictures!" Jim protested, trying to snatch the book away and blushing pink.

"Now now Jim, there's no need to be so hasty! This is pretty entertaining," smirked Bones and Jim glared at him.

Once again grabbing Spock and dragging him from the room they made a hasty retreat out to Jim's car, muttering under his breath Jim sped out of the driveway leaving a trail of dust behind them.

"Running away from your mother is highly illogical. She will no doubt be awaiting our return," pointed out Spock and Jim sighed.

"I know. She's just shown up at the worst possible time, I'm already nervous enough about tomorrow without having her around embarrassing me at every opportunity."

Jim grabbed for his sunglasses from the glove compartment, the morning sun was low in the sky and driving into it without them on was unpleasant. He already felt a little under the weather and had for the last few days. Nothing in particular, just a little more tired than he normally would and sometimes a little sweaty or nauseous, all seeming to peak in that mornings throwing-up as soon as he'd woken up. He put it down to nerves about his exams.

"You do not need to be nervous. Your physical capabilities far surpass the level you will be required to perform to in your fitness examination. And you should not be embarrassed about your childhood photographs, they are in fact quite hilarious," Spock smirked.

"Oh they're _hilarious_ are they? I'm glad you enjoyed them," said Jim, unable to stop himself smirking back at Spock.

They drove for a very long time, a good few hours. Jim didn't really know where they were driving; just that he didn't want to be around his mother for any length of time. Finally accepting that his stomach was rumbling with hunger, he stopped at a small grocery store and bought some strawberries before continuing to drive on the familiar roads. A while ago he'd turned back towards home and they were now only about thirty minutes drive from the house.

"Let's go for a walk down by the creek?" he suggested, parking the car on the side of the road near the water.

"Only if you promise you will not attempt to drag me into the water as you did on the previous occasion we visited this location," said Spock firmly and Jim laughed.

"Oh yeah that was pretty great! I promise I won't try and make you get in the water," he said sincerely.

"Very well," said Spock, narrowing his eyes as if he didn't entirely trust Jim's promise.

A few minutes later they were walking in the shade from the afternoon sun under the large trees that grew beside the slow moving water. Being in high summer, the water was low and the banks dry and cracked. Spotting a large fallen tree that spanned the width of the creek; Jim led the way and edged out onto the tree. The water below the fallen tree was much deeper than elsewhere.

"I calculate the probability of you falling or injuring yourself in some other way at seventy-three percent," said Spock and Jim laughed.

"Wow only seventy percent? I must be getting more careful," he chuckled as he tiptoed across the tree, the water flowing lazily below.

He sat down carefully and then patted the space beside him. Spock walked confidently across the log and sat down, he had far superior balance. The tree creaked under their combined weight and Jim froze.

"What did you calculate the probability of the tree breaking as?" he asked and Spock glanced up and down the length of the tree.

"I would prefer not to trouble you with that information."

"Probably for the best," Jim shrugged, opening the strawberries and popping one in his mouth.

Spock stared at him in fascination.

"You want one?" he offered, holding the berry towards the Vulcan's lips.

"I am unsure."

"Just try it, I promise you'll like it," Jim persuaded, moving the berry closer. "Just don't eat the green part, or bite my hand."

"Must you insist on feeding me? I am perfectly capable of feeding myself," Spock protested.

"Ah come on Spock, it's fun!"

He held up the berry and Spock tentatively bit it away from its green leaves, careful to avoid Jim's fingers as he did so.

The sweet taste that filled his mouth was pleasant and he nodded slightly as Jim watched him carefully for approval.

"You like it?"

"I do not dislike it."

"You've got juice on your lip," Jim pointed out, leaning closer to Spock. The tree creaked disapprovingly.

"I do not have j-"

Spock was cut off as Jim pressed his lips against his, kissing him tenderly. Spock allowed his eyes to close and kissed back, one hand finding its way to the back of Jim's head.

"There. All better," Jim smiled as he pulled away, blue eyes glinting mischievously.

He ate another strawberry, swinging his legs back and fore and sighing contentedly.

Spock took another strawberry and ate it slowly. He decided that he must have tried them before as the taste was familiar; perhaps his mother had given him one as a child when he had visited Earth with her.

The tree creaked loudly and Jim looked down at it.

"I get the feeling that sitting here is probably a bad idea," he laughed and Spock nodded, looking down at the water a few feet below them. Jim peeled off his tee shirt, draping it across the log. Next he pulled off his shoes one by one and balanced them next to his shirt.

"This water has not been approved for swimming, it could contain bacteria or contaminants and-"the remainder of Spock's argument was cut off by the loud splash as Jim hit the water. He surfaced a moment later and pushed the water off his face.

"Cold!" he gasped.

"I am not surprised," said Spock. Jim edged closer to Spock's feet dangling down, his hand reaching up for one.

"I must warn you, if you pull me into that water, there will be extreme consequences." Spock pulled his leg away.

"Like what?" Jim smirked, reaching for Spock's leg again.

"You would not wish to find out," said Spock, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh… yeah I think I would," grinned Jim as he pulled on Spock's leg with all his strength, causing him to crash fully clothed into the water. He somehow managed to prevent his head from going under, but he was completely drenched.

"You… are a… child," Spock hissed, scrambling out of the freezing water. Jim couldn't contain his laughter.

"I must consult with Doctor McCoy, I believe some kind of medical error has allowed your body to mature whilst your mind remains at the level of a five-year old," Spock glared from the bank as Jim laughed in the water.

"You're just a big baby." Jim splashed water at Spock who took a step away from the water.

"Negative. It is you who is behaving like a child."

"Aww, is the poor ickle Vulcan grumpy because I dragged him in the water?" Jim teased.

Spock didn't reply, he just walked further away from the water to a sunny patch of ground to try and dry off. Vulcan's didn't like water all that much, being desert creatures. It had taken Spock weeks of getting used to using the water shower at the Kirk farmhouse as opposed to the sonic one he would use aboard the Enterprise.

Jim dragged himself out of the creek, retrieving his shirt and shoes and bounding over to Spock who glared at him.

"Oh don't glare at me you big spoilsport. Come on, let's walk back so we can go and get some dry clothes."

Jim and Spock walked slowly back through the woods towards the car and then drove back to the farmhouse. When they arrived Jim was relieved to hear his mother had gone to visit Jim's brother about an hour away and wouldn't be back until later that evening.

"Jim, you need to know. She got it out of me. What happened on the ship, she got it out of me. I'm sorry! I don't know how she did it! One minute we were just talkin', she was askin' about Joanna and stuff and then the next thing I knew she was asking me all these… questions!" Bones sighed and Jim laughed.

"I knew she'd get it out of one of us. It's alright. She'll freak out at me when she gets back but that'll be it," shrugged Jim.

'Freaking out' was possibly the understatement of the century.

Spock and Bones sat in the living room, both wincing as they listened to Winona berating her youngest son in the kitchen next door.

"YOU HAVE NO REGARD FOR YOUR OWN LIFE OR FOR THE SACRIFICE THAT YOUR FATHER MADE TO KEEP YOU ALIVE!"

"I have regard for the lives of my crew! I did it to save them!" Jim argued back.

"DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? ARE YOU THAT SELFISH? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT WOULD DO TO ME IF YOU DIED JIM?"

"Probably not a whole lot," Jim shrugged.

Bones inhaled sharply. He knew Jim had made a mistake saying that.

"Jim. Your dad gave his _life_ to save you. Doesn't that mean ANYTHING to you?" Bones and Spock heard a chair scrape across the floor as Winona sat down.

"I know. And it does mean something, but you need to understand that what I did was just the same thing. I gave my life to save my ship and crew. If I died, it wouldn't have been a huge loss. I don't have kids or a family or anything like that. But all those people on the ship? A lot of them have families. Like Bones. I couldn't leave his little girl without a daddy, and Spock, there are so few Vulcan's left how could I let him die? How could I let any of them die when they're all worth more than me? You know. I'm done talking about it."

Bones and Spock both pretended that they hadn't been listening as Jim stormed out of the kitchen and slammed the door behind him. He glanced at them both before stomping upstairs and crashing the door of his bedroom shut.

"Jeez," muttered Bones.

Silently, Spock stood up and walked into the kitchen. Bones shot him a puzzled look before retreating upstairs himself. Joanna was tucked up asleep in his bed and he curled up next to her, gently brushing her blond hair back off her face and trying not to think about how she looked more like her mother with every passing day.

Spock slowly sat down opposite Winona Kirk at the kitchen table. She had her head in her hands and took a few seconds to look up, and when she did she looked surprised to see Spock there.

"Oh, hello dear," she said wearily.

"Mrs Kirk. Earlier today you asked me what qualities your son possesses that attracted me to him. You asked the question in a way that suggested I could have had selection of many superior beings. I must inform you that whilst I understand your emotional response to your son's actions, this is one of the many qualities that make him so… exceptional. He is courageous, selfless and compassionate. He has a brilliant mind and an ability to formulate and execute plans with extremely slim probabilities of success. Somehow, he always finds a way to succeed, whatever the personal cost to himself. I did not select a superior being as in my opinion, there are none to be found."

Winona looked at Spock and he could see tears in her eyes.

"I've always been… so hard on him… I wasn't there enough when he was a child. I couldn't get over his fathers death. I look at Jim and he just looks so much like him that it… it just rips my heart right out of my chest. When he was a teenager I was around more, but he'd made up his mind. He wasn't interested in me. I was no mother to him and I'll never forgive myself for the way it's affected his feeling of self-worth," she trailed off as her voice cracked. A single tear rolled down her cheek and she looked at the table.

"I look at Jim and I see his father in him, so much. But then I realise that I don't really know Jim at all, he's almost like a stranger to me," she continued, her voice heavy with emotion.

"Your son is an exceptional man. He has saved the lives of his entire crew, putting himself in danger time and time again if it meant saving the life of another. Allow me to show you?" Spock offered, extending his hand towards her face.

"Wait… I. Your memories go into my mind, right? I've never known much about Vulcan mind-melds," she said, leaning away from his hand slightly.

"Not exactly. I will allow you to experience my memories, but they will not become your own, there is no lasting effect. You said that you do not feel you know or understand your son, I simply wish to share with you this information that you may find useful and will not do so without your expressed permission."

Winona nodded. "OK, I want to see it. I want to know him the way his crew know him," she said, nodding again. Spock gently touched his fingers to her psi points and took a second to establish barriers to their thoughts. Winona's mind was very much like Jim's, highly dynamic with a million thoughts rushing through it at any one time. Once certain that she would only see what he allowed her to see, Spock directed her to the first memory

_Jim was falling. Thousands and thousands of feet. He pulled his parachute and landed on the strange platform. He and another man fought off what looked like Romulan soldiers before firing their weapons at the very platform they stood on. _

_The platform juddered and then began to move upwards, being retracted by the large ship above. The other man tumbled from the edge._

_"Sulu!" called Jim, sprinting to the edge of the platform and hurling himself after the other man._

_He caught up to him, grabbing him and pulling the parachute which broke shortly after being deployed._

_"Kirk to Enterprise, we're falling without a chute, beam us up!" he roared._

_"BEAM US UP! ENTEPRISE! WHERE ARE YOU?"_

_"Beam us up! Now! NOW NOW NOW!"_

_Jim and the other man vanished as they were transported just feet from hitting the ground._

_"Sir! Please! Spare the crew. I take full responsibility for their actions. All they did was follow orders which were mine and mine alone. I'll transmit you Khan's location now and all I ask is you that spare them, Sir. I'll do anything you want." Jim was begging. He looked utterly terrified._

_"Kirk. That's a hell of an apology. But I was never going to spare your crew. Fire everything."_

_The transmission with the man on the screen ended and Jim turned to face the rest of the bridge._

_"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he whispered._

_In the next moment Jim was hurtling through open space in a suit, getting to the other ship to take it from the inside so that it couldn't destroy the Enterprise. His helmet was damaged and the spidery cracks in the glass were only getting worse._

_"How's our ship?" Jim rasped. His skin was yellowing, eyes bulging, lips swollen._

_"Out of danger. You saved the crew."_

_Jim was dying. He was trapped inside the warp core, life leaving his helpless body. The ship and crew were safe._

The meld ended and Winona gasped at the rush of emotions overwhelming her.

"Emotional transference is a common after-effect of the meld, allow your mind a few moments to settle," said Spock calmly. She nodded, closing her eyes, unable to rid her mind of the image of Jim dying.

"You were… with him when he… passed?" she asked.

Spock nodded.

"I… I'm glad," she said shakily.

"I understand now. It's just difficult for a parent to think of their child dying, especially after what George did to save us. I don't want his death to have been for nothing, and I certainly don't want Jim to ever die in some stupid way. But I can see now, I can see why he did what he did," she explained and Spock nodded again.

"As I previously stated, your son is a truly exceptional man. I give you my word that on our five-year mission I will do everything in my power to protect him and not allow him to come to any harm," said Spock sincerely and Winona blinked a fresh round of tears from her eyes.

"Thank you."

"I must ensure that Jim is adequately prepared for his return to Starfleet tomorrow, if you would excuse me Mrs Kirk. Goodnight," said Spock as he stood up from the table. She nodded and mumbled a 'goodnight dear' in response; mind still trying to process the new information she had been given.

Jim pretended to be asleep as Spock crawled into bed beside him. After waiting a few seconds Spock called him out on it.

"I know you are not asleep," he said smoothly and Jim sighed loudly, moving as far away from Spock as he could.

"Your mother is no longer angry with you. I was able to rectify the situation."

Jim ignored him.

"She discussed a deep regret about your relationship, or rather lack or relationship, and expressed a desire to change that. She is very concerned about losing you."

Jim continued to ignore him.

Spock snaked his arm around Jim's waist and pulled him close.

"Your body temperature is elevated," he noted aloud. Jim felt far too warm, and the naked skin of his torso was clammy and sweaty.

"I think I have a fever or something," Jim mumbled quietly.

Spock gently placed the palm of his hand on Jim's forehead. It was burning hot.

"Perhaps we should ask Doctor McCoy to treat your symptoms. Do you feel unwell in any other way?" Spock asked and Jim rolled onto his back, his breathing slightly heavy.

"Other than throwing up this morning no, nothing else, I'm just really, really hot," Jim whined.

"Stay here," said Spock, getting up to go and fetch the Doctor. Jim didn't protest.

He knocked on the door to McCoy's room and didn't get a response. Waiting a few seconds he then knocked again. The door was flung open.

"What do you want hobgoblin?" he growled. Spock couldn't help but notice the Doctor had obviously been crying. His eyes were red and puffy.

"Jim is unwell. He has a high fever," said Spock simply and McCoy had already shoved past him and hurried down the hall to Jim's room.

"Kitty?" offered a small voice from McCoy's bedroom. Spock entered the darkened room, knowing that the Doctor would already be attending to Jim's condition.

"Where'd daddy go?" Joanna asked from the bed.

"Jim is feeling unwell; your father has gone to treat his illness. I have no doubt he will return very soon."

"Will you lie with me? I don't want to be by myself," she mumbled and Spock looked at her carefully. She looked as though she had also been upset recently.

"Of course," he said, getting into the bed beside the young girl.

Spock and Joanna had built a firm friendship over the course of the summer and as much as he would never admit it, the Vulcan greatly enjoyed the company of the child.

"Me and daddy were sad because we miss mommy a lot today," she said and Spock looked at her sympathetically.

"I understand how it feels for one to miss their mother," he sighed. Joanna curled closer to him and rolled onto her side, her face nuzzling against his chest. Spock carefully lowered a hand to the back of her head, absentmindedly playing with her soft hair.

In the room two doors down the hallway, Jim was getting more uncomfortable by the minute.

Bones scanned over him again with his tricoder.

"I've never been this hot in my life," Jim whined, wriggling around and trying to get comfortable.

"Just bear with me a second, I can't quite figure out this reading."

"I might puke," Jim warned.

"Just let me grab somethin', I'll fix you right up," assured Bones, giving Jim's shoulder a gentle squeeze before he went to grab something from his med-kit. Archer had insisted that McCoy had brought a decent supply of medical provisions to ensure Kirk was properly cared for if he had any health problems.

Returning with a hypo as promised, Bones quickly administered it to his friends neck.

"Bones! Ow!" Jim hissed.

"Stop crying you damn infant! Give that about twenty minutes and it'll improve your nausea and bring your fever down, I'm gonna run you a cool bath and I suggest you stay in it until your fever breaks," said Bones and Jim nodded as the Doctor left the room to run the bath for his friend.

He felt wretched and couldn't put his finger on exactly what felt wrong with him, other than feeling sick and having a high temperature, something else felt… wrong.

"Joanna's asleep on the hobgoblin, it's actually kinda sweet," said Bones as he walked back into the room.

Jim sat up and groaned as a fresh wave of nausea passed over him.

"Let's get you in that tub," said Bones, helping Jim walk shakily into the bathroom. Without removing his boxers he clambered ungracefully into the half-full tub, gasping as the cool water touched his burning skin.

"DADDY!" cried Joanna from the next room.

"M'ok Bones, go get her. Spock can help me," said Jim weakly, eyes slipping shut.

"If you need anything else tonight you just holler, or send Spock ok?"

"Mhm," mumbled Jim, half asleep already.

The next thing Jim was aware of was the feeling of cool, fresh sheets against his bare skin. He opened his eyes, relieved to notice his nausea was gone and his temperature was returning to normal. Spock was watching him from the other side of his bed.

"How long did I sleep?" Jim asked quietly.

"Not long. I allowed you to remain in the water for around thirty minutes to reduce your body temperature before carrying you here to ensure you could rest properly."

"Oh and you also dried me off, changed my sheets and stripped me naked?" Jim asked, smirking slightly.

"I only wanted to ensure your comfort. You usually appear most comfortable when sleeping naked. I must agree it is most comfortable."

"Are you naked under here too?" Jim asked through a yawn, becoming very aware of the fact Spock wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Irrelevant," he said shortly, but the tiny smirk on his lips told Jim that he was.

"I'm so scared I'm going to screw up tomorrow," Jim sighed, closing his eyes.

Spock's warm arms wrapped around him and he immediately felt more relaxed, shifting back so their bodies touched and rolling onto his side so they could spoon.

"I am certain that you will perform admirably," he said quietly and Jim smiled.

"Oh shoot, I didn't set my alarm yet and I need to-"

"I have already set numerous alarms to ensure you do not oversleep, and your bag containing everything you will need is packed and waiting downstairs for you," Spock interrupted and Jim turned his head around to look at him over his shoulder.

"You're the best," he smiled, planting a gentle kiss on Spock's lips.

"Go to sleep, _t'hy'la_, you need your rest," said Spock softly and Jim sighed.

"You and your Vulcan words. I swear I'm going to use the Universal Translator on you one day," he threatened as he reached to turn off his bedside lamp, plunging the room into darkness. Jim had heard the word only a handful of times, the first being a few months ago when Spock had mumbled it in his sleep. He was curious though,

"You will not need to. I will tell you of the meaning very soon," Spock assured.

"Do you promise?"

"I promise, Jim. Now sleep, tomorrow is a highly important day."

They lay in silence for a few minutes until Jim's voice sounded in the darkness of the room.

"Does it mean... sweetcheeks?"

"No."

"Honeybunch?"

Spock sighed. "No. It does not."

"Darling?" Jim guessed.

"Please stop your guessing, it is highly unlikely you will guess correctly."

"What about pudding? Pumpkin? Baby?" Jim rattled off.

Spock stayed silent, planting a small kiss behind Jim's ear.

_T'hy'la, please stop your silly games. I want you to be well rested for tomorrow._

"Cupcake? Oooh! Is it cupcake?"

"Yes. Jim. It means cupcake. You have solved the mystery, congratulations," said Spock, voice heavy with sarcasm.

There was a few moments of silence before Jim spoke again.

"So it isn't cupcake?"


	15. Chapter 14 - Most Peculiar

**Chapter Fourteen**

Spock was awoken by an annoying, high pitched alarm ringing out from the clock beside the bed. He reached out to switch it off and then lay back, taking a few seconds to realise he was alone in Jim's bed.

He dressed quickly and walked downstairs looking for Jim.

It took him less than a minute to find him. He was sitting at the kitchen table; several PADD's spread out in front of him, his face resting on one of them. He was fast asleep and snoring slightly.

Spock gently shook Jim's bare shoulder and he stirred, groaning and stretching before opening his otherworldly blue eyes.

"Spock," he mumbled, eyes fluttering open fully.

"You are a highly illogical human," said Spock as he raised an eyebrow.

"Mmmwhy?" Jim yawned out, stretching again and sitting up straight.

"Because rather than sleeping in a comfortable bed and resting adequately you clearly attempted to work through the night. What is it that you are working on?" Spock asked, reaching for one of the PADD's.

Jim snatched them all up hastily and hurried upstairs with them before returning a moment later wearing a thick sweater and pyjama pants and shivering slightly.

"You are cold?"

"Yeah. I don't know what's going on," Jim shrugged, taking an apple from the fruit bowl and sitting back down at the table, taking a bite out of the fruit.

"I do have numerous concerns about your long term health," Spock confessed. Even after spending all summer with Jim, seeing how truly _alive_ he was, there was this tiny, illogical thought that would sometimes creep into his mind.

What if the cure was not permanent?

What if it wore off? What if it was already wearing off and these symptoms were only the beginning?

_What if Jim died?_

"Don't worry about me Spock, I'm fine, I promise," Jim smiled.

"Anyway, I need to shower and get going," he said, rising from the table and leaving his half-eaten apple where it was.

"Well, I'll see you all later," said Jim nervously as he walked down the front steps of the house.

"You'll do fine kid, don't sweat it," encouraged Bones.

"Good luck!" called his mother from an upstairs window. Jim gave her a small wave; he was still feeling sick and didn't want to move around too much.

"I will be awaiting your return and the news that you have succeeded in passing all of your tests," said Spock and Jim snorted.

"Can't you just say 'see you later'?"

"Bye Uncle Jim! Good luck! When you get home can we play waterfight again?" asked Joanna as she ran forward to give Jim a big hug, well, to give his legs a big hug as that was as far as she could reach.

"Course we can. You get a hundred points if you can shoot Spock with a water pistol," he laughed.

"A hundred points?!" she gasped.

"I will advance that to two-hundred, as I am most certain you will not be able to find me in order to shoot me with your water pistol," said Spock and Bones laughed.

"Come on sweetie, let him go, he's gotta go," said Bones and Joanna reluctantly removed her arms from around Jim's thighs and walked back up the steps of the house.

Spock stepped forward and Jim grabbed him in a bear hug, burying his face into his neck, desperate for the soothing skin-to-skin contact.

"Do not be concerned about today, I am certain you will do fine," said Spock quietly as he ran his hands over Jim's back.

"But fine has numerous definitions!" quoted Jim, smirking to himself.

"You understand my meaning," said Spock, leaning back slightly so he could look at Jim's face.

His blue eyes were nervous and tired looking, his face paler than usual with dark circles under his eyes.

"Do you still feel unwell?" Spock asked and Jim squirmed under his accusing gaze.

"A little," he confessed.

"When you return you must ensure you rest adequately," said Spock, hands trailing slowly down Jim's arms until their hands met. Jim brushed his two forefingers against Spock's in a Vulcan kiss.

"I promise I will," he smiled, pressing his lips against Spock's gently, then taking a large step backwards and removing his communicator from his pocket.

"Kirk to Enterprise. Beam me up Scotty," he spoke into the device. Jim had arranged with Scotty that he would beam him to the ship and then back down to Starfleet. It was just much easier than shuttles or hoverbikes and saved a lot of time.

"Right you are Cap'n!" came the enthusiastic reply.

A circle of swirling light surrounding Jim announced he was being transported and with that he was gone.

"I sure hope he does pass these damn tests, I'm not dealing with any other idiot in space for five years," grumbled Bones.

"I have complete faith in his abilities," said Spock confidently. He knew the probability of Jim failing was very slim, and he tried to ignore the possibility of what could happen if he _did_ fail.

"Captain! Shields at six percent, life support failing!"

"There's a severe hull breach on deck's five and six sir, we're venting atmosphere!"

"Seal emergency bulkheads to decks five and six, and route all emergency power to life support and weapons. Fire everything we have!" Jim was panicking. The simulation had gone from bad to worse very quickly and their simulated ship was crippled. He ran his sweaty hands through his already messed up hair.

"Weapons failing sir, only functioning at around thirty percent."

"Do we still have warp capability?"

"No sir, not with this hull damage."

"Shit," he grumbled. The Kobayashi Maru had seemed like a walk in the fucking park compared to this. He glanced at the screen again, looking for something to help them, anything.

"There! What's that right there? Magnify it!" he ordered and the ensign made the image larger. The enemy ship, which Jim couldn't help but notice looked suspiciously like the _Narada_, had an obvious external weakness from this particular angle.

"It would appear to be their life support systems and shield generator Captain," confirmed the ensign.

"Take it out," he ordered, sweaty hands sliding on the armrests of the Captains chair.

"Aye sir."

Jim watched the simulated phaser fire rush towards the enemy ship and cause a large explosion where he had targeted.

"Their shields are down Captain!"

"Beam out our people!" he ordered and the ensign nodded.

"All hostages safely back on board sir."

"Destroy their ship," Kirk said, eyes narrowing as he glared at the screen.

The ensign paused. That wasn't the purpose or the objective of the simulation.

"Yes Captain," he nodded.

The screens went black and the lights turned back up and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

"Pass," came a dull, robotic voice over the speakers.

The Ensigns were all grinning, two even high-fived each other. Jim stayed sulking in his chair.

He was relieved that he'd already completed his written test so all he had left was his fitness examination.

Walking on shaky legs he headed down the long corridor, arriving at the men's changing rooms. He changed into his sports kit and stuffed his clothes into a locker, his hand finding a place on his lower stomach as it churned again. He closed his eyes and focused. He was _determined_ not to puke.

"Kirk, James T," greeted the instructor as Jim walked into the gymnasium, checking his list.

"The one and only," Jim sighed.

"Don't look so miserable, you'll pass this easily," said the instructor, motioning at Jim's impressive physical condition.

"Yeah I wouldn't be so sure," he grimaced as he lined up with the other cadets.

The test consisted of three parts. The first part was by far the worst. Everyone had to run from a line at one end of the room to a line at the other end of the room, around fifteen metres away. They had to beat a timer on the wall counting down and a computerised bleep telling them when they had to be at the other line. The last thing Jim wanted to do at that point was run anywhere.

"Everybody ready? You have to reach level twelve point four to pass, anything higher is a bonus," informed the instructor. Jim took a deep, steadying breath as his stomach churned again. The first bleep rang out and everyone ran forward much too fast. Jim had learned this last time he'd done the test. _Save your energy._ You didn't get any extra points for arriving at the other end of the room too early. He got to the line around a second before the bleep.

He repeated over and over again, running back and forth, slowly getting faster and faster until he was sprinting flat out. He became aware that there were fewer and fewer people running. His head was spinning and his stomach was protesting violently to being jolted around so much. He could have stopped, he knew he'd gone beyond the pass point, but he wanted to see it right through to the end.

There were only three other people still running when the bleeping stopped.

"Gentlemen! Well done. Level eighteen and the end of the test," informed the instructor. Jim dropped and sat on a bench at the side of the gymnasium, letting his head fall into his hands and gasping to get his breath back.

His heart was thundering in his chest but he had no time to rest, he had to finish the test.

The next part was easy; all he had to do was lift the equivalent of his own body weight over his head five times. He completed the task quickly and then slumped on another bench.

"You don't look so good Kirk, report to medical once this test is done," said the instructor and Jim nodded weakly.

After passing the final element of the test, Jim felt about ready to give up and go and find a quiet corner to die in somewhere.

He showered quickly and changed back into his clothes, heading towards the exit of the building so he could comm. Scotty and get beamed back home so he could go to bed.

"Kirk!" a voice interrupted him just as he reached to push the door to let himself out. He turned around.

"Admiral Archer," he said, standing up a little straighter.

"Jesus son, you don't look so good, what's the matter?" he asked. Jim was obviously sweating and very pale.

"Nothing sir, I'm fine, just a stomach virus or something," he said, putting his hands behind his back to hide the fact they were trembling.

"Do you have a minute before you run off back to Iowa?" Archer asked, studying the young Captain carefully.

"Of course sir," said Jim obediently. He couldn't have exactly said 'no, actually, I don't, I want to go home and curl into a ball and puke out my entire body then sleep forever'.

Jim followed Archer to his office and gratefully accepted the glass of cold water he pressed into his hand, sitting down at his desk.

Archer looked at him seriously.

"Enterprise will ship out in fifteen days. Messages have started going out to the crew to inform them. Everyone you requested has signed up for the mission, apart from one person."

"Who?" Jim asked, setting down his glass of water.

"Leonard McCoy. We've sent him the request a few times but he hasn't responded. Do you have any idea why that might be?" Archer asked and Jim leaned back in his chair slightly. His heart sank. Five years in space without Bones? That didn't sound like the best time.

"His daughter sir. She's almost five years old and her mother was killed in that attack on Georgia, he's probably hesitant about leaving her behind with his parents. He's probably hesitating while he figures out what to do," explained Jim.

"That's a tough one," nodded Archer.

"Sir… could he bring her along?" Jim blurted out without thinking and Archer raised an eyebrow.

"You think a starship is an appropriate place for a five year old girl?"

"Not ideal sir, but… she needs to be with her father, and he needs to be with her. The crew won't be the same if he doesn't come along for the mission," Jim pleaded.

"Let me talk to Komack about it. I personally don't see it as an enormous problem, but we need to clear it with the head of Starfleet," nodded Archer and Jim uttered a small thank you.

"I found this the other day when I was cleaning out some things at home, thought you might like to see it," said Archer, handing Jim a framed photograph.

Jim studied it. It was of three men in Starfleet uniform, and he knew all three of them. Christopher Pike stood on the left, with Archer next to him and on the right was George Kirk senior. He was wearing cadet uniform while the bands on Pike's and Archer's uniform suggested they were both Lieutenants.

"When… when was this taken?" Jim asked quietly.

"Twenty seven, twenty eight years ago. Your brother had just been born and your dad was about two weeks off graduating from the academy. He was a good friend of mine Jim, and I made him a promise when he first went off into the black that I'd look out for his son if anything happened to him. Now I know you hadn't been born when that promise was made, but in my eyes it applies to you too. You be careful out there," he said in a very fatherly way.

"You have my word sir," said Jim with a small smile as he looked down at the picture again.

"You've had no more dreams about Khan?"

"Not a single thing. A few about dying, but nothing about him, not like before," admitted Jim.

"And I'm sure someone would have noticed if you'd been sneaking out of bed at night huh?" Archer asked with a smirk.

"Sir I-" Jim blushed furiously.

"Oh relax, your mother told me all about you and Mr. Spock. She seems happy about it, and from what I know of him he's a very good man."

Jim felt conflicted. His relationship with Spock was certainly in breach of Starfleet regulations; however Archer already _knew_ it was going on, so why lie to him?

"Yes, sir, he would have noticed if I'd been sneaking out at night," Jim conceded defeat.

"How long?" Archer asked.

"Uh… I don't know, a little under three months?"

"Wow. Well based off your reputation if your relationship has lasted three months already I'd better buy a hat," laughed the Admiral.

"Maybe you should, Sir," Jim smiled.

"You getting that speech ready?"

"It's almost finished, when is the rechristening?"

"The ceremony is going to be Friday of this week."

"Oh yeah I should have it finished by then," Jim nodded. He winced slightly as his stomach twisted uncomfortably.

"You don't look so good, you sure you're alright?" the fatherly tone was creeping back into Archer's voice.

"I think so. I just need to get some proper rest," yawned Jim.

"Well, don't let me keep you any longer. Off you go, Captain," smiled Archer.

"Thank you Admiral," nodded Jim as he left the room, reaching for his communicator to have Scotty beam him home.

"Christ, you look awful!"

"Thanks Bones, you sure know how to make me feel wonderful about myself," sighed Jim as he walked into the house.

"Is it the same? Nausea and a fever?" he asked, looking at his friend carefully. Jim nodded.

"Will you let me hypo you to make it go away?" Jim hesitated and then nodded again.

Bones disappeared for a few moments and returned with his medicine, Jim didn't even complain when he jabbed him in the neck with the hypo.

"I'm goin' bed," Jim mumbled as he started to sleepily drag himself upstairs. He reached his bedroom and tumbled onto the mattress, not even removing his shoes or clothes.

"At least take off your shoes dammit!" came Bones' gruff voice from the doorway, quickly crossing the room and grabbing for Jim's shoes. Jim swatted at his friend weakly as he tugged his shoes off his feet for him.

"Bones. I feel like I'm dying," Jim whined.

"Oh stop being so damn melodramatic! When we hit San Fran in a few days I'll take you into Starfleet medical and get a proper look at you, there's only so much I can do out here with pretty much no equipment," said Bones, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Where's Spock and Joanna?" Jim asked as he opened his eyes to look up at Bones.

"Making macaroni art in the kitchen with your mom. I tell you, I've never seen anyone so resistant to wearing a macaroni necklace as your boyfriend," Bones sighed and Jim chuckled.

"Did Jo throw a tantrum when he wouldn't play along?"

"Oh damn right she did! Started crying and stamping her feet and everything. Spock just panicked and quickly threw the damn thing around his neck," said Bones fondly.

"She does just have him wrapped around her little finger. Maybe if I started throwing tantrums he'd do whatever I wanted," said Jim thoughtfully and Bones snorted.

"He already does whatever you want! Do you really think a Vulcan would _choose_ to have spent a whole summer living in this crazy house? With a pile of 'highly illogical' humans?"

"Point taken," Jim smiled but then grimaced as his stomach churned again.

"Just keep still, hypo should kick in any time now," assured Bones.

"Archer told me today that you haven't signed up for the mission yet," said Jim suddenly and Bones looked at him seriously.

"Jim… I. I can't leave her. Five years? No way. I'm sorry, and I really want to be there to stop you from getting yourself killed or injured or god knows what else, but I just can't. My responsibilities are here with Jo," he said, shaking his head as Jim gave him a pleading look.

"Don't you give me those damn puppy-dog eyes!" Bones jumped up off the bed and started to pace the room.

"I asked Archer if Joanna could come along," said Jim, watching Bones carefully for his response. He froze.

"You did _what?_ Jim do you really think the Enterprise on an _exploratory_ mission to the deepest, darkest damn corners of space is a suitable place for a _child!?_" he demanded.

"Well… It seemed like a better option than leaving her on Earth with your parents when I stun your ass and drag you onto the ship. I'm not leaving you, Bones, I need you up there," said Jim seriously, sitting up carefully.

Their eyes locked as they stared each other down. Bones broke first.

"God damn it! What did Archer say?"

"That he'd clear it with Komack and let you know," said Jim weakly as he lay down and closed his eyes.

"If you're not better by the time we go to Starfleet I'm running a full blood screen on you," said Bones, a more gentle tone creeping into his voice.

"Not if you can't catch me with the needle," said Jim sleepily as he nuzzled his face into the pillow. It smelled faintly of Spock and it was comforting. Jim wanted to run downstairs and drag him to the bed to cuddle with him, but he didn't have the strength.

"I'll catch you alright. Anyway. I'll let you sleep. I'll send up your hobgoblin cuddle blanket too," said Bones. Jim peeked his eyes open to look at his friend as he left the room. He looked concerned, and like he'd jab him with any number of hyposprays if it meant he'd feel better.

"Thanks Bones. G'night," mumbled Jim as Bones paused in the doorway.

"I refuse to say goodnight to you when it's –"Bones glanced at his watch "Not even five-thirty. Get a nap and then come down for dinner. Your Mom is cooking chicken." With that he was gone.

Jim managed to wriggle his way out of his clothing and throw it on the floor, leaving himself in only his boxers so he'd be comfortable when he slept.

The door opened slowly and revealed Spock standing in the doorway. He walked into the room and closed the door behind himself, sitting on the edge of the bed beside Jim and pushing his sweaty hair back off his forehead. Jim leant into the touch, allowing his eyes to close again.

"Doctor McCoy has informed me you are once again feeling unwell?"

"Just a little. I'll be fine once I've slept," Jim assured him, hand reaching up to place itself over the hand Spock had resting on his forehead.

"You should have allowed the Doctor to escort you to Starfleet for medical evaluation earlier in the week, however I gather you were successful in passing your tests today?"

"I passed everything, yeah. I'm going to be your Captain again," Jim smiled.

"I would like nothing more," said Spock as he lay down carefully next to Jim, wrapping him in his arms.

"Hey, when we get back to ship and I'm your Captain again, will you follow all my orders?" Jim asked, peeking one eye open to look at Spock.

"Of course, Captain. It is my duty to follow your command, no matter how illogical your orders may seem at times," said Spock, raising an eyebrow and making Jim smile.

"So what if I were to…" Jim grabbed Spock's hand and thought _very_ clearly of him and Spock on the bridge however in the image Spock had him bent over the back of the Captains chair and was fucking him hard. Spock wrenched his hand away from Jim.

"That would be… _outrageous_! We absolutely could not do that on the bridge," Spock objected, a look of shock mixing with disgust and a pinch of curiosity on his face.

"You'd love it," Jim smirked, turning over to face his Vulcan and wrapping his arms around him in return, nuzzling his face into his neck.

"I would not be able to experience your fantasy, so I cannot comment on whether I would enjoy said act or not," said Spock and Jim chuckled.

"That's a big fat yes, Spock. You've totally thought about it. What if I rode you in my chair? Hmm? Would you like that?" Jim asked, finishing in a whisper, looking up at his partner who was looking down at him with dark eyes beginning to cloud with lust.

"I have no comment on the matter."

"That's an even bigger yes," Jim grinned, playfully biting at Spock's neck.

"Sleep," said Spock firmly.

"Why? Am I getting you all worked up?"

"Jim. You are unwell, you require rest," Spock practically whined. Jim sure was getting good at getting a reaction from him.

Before Jim could continue his games, a wave of sleepiness washed over him and the next thing he knew the room was much darker and someone was shaking him roughly by the shoulder.

"Get your bitch ass down to that table now and eat some delicious chicken!" Bones ordered.

Jim groaned loudly and pulled his pillow over his head.

Bones snatched the pillow and started hitting him repeatedly with it. Jim curled into a ball, too tired to fight back.

"Bones – ah – stop it! I don't want to play games with you! I'm tired!"

"Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise! You will surrender!" cried Joanna, jumping on Jim's bed, brandishing a plastic sword at him.

"Captain Joanna McCoy! Oh no! My arch enemy! The only person ever to defeat me!" Jim gasped, playing along.

"Y'arr mateys!" Joanna growled in a pirate voice.

"Oh no! It's Captain Grumpy-Beard!" cried Jim, pointing at Bones.

"NOT CAPTAIN GRUMPY BEARD!" squealed Joanna, jumping on Bones and pinning him down, smacking him with the plastic sword.

"That's it missy! No more sugar for you!" Bones threw his young daughter on the bed and started tickling her mercilessly until she couldn't breathe and tears of laughter were streaming down her cheeks.

"Alright Bones, quit it before she pees herself!" warned Jim and Bones let her go.

"Come on, come downstairs or food'll go cold," ordered Bones as he dragged a giggling Joanna from the room.

"Oh no! Captain Grumpy-Beard has caught me!" she squealed as he picked her up and threw her over his shoulder.

"Captain Grumpy-Beard? No prizes for guessing who made up that name," he grumbled as he shot a death glare at Jim who smiled innocently, grabbing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt off the floor and pulling them on before following Bones and a wriggling Joanna downstairs.

Spock was sitting at the table already, a plate of salad in front of him. Winona was taking a large pot off the stove. Jim had to admit, it smelled _amazing_.

Bones sat Joanna in a chair and she grinned.

"Now are you going to sit still for long enough for us to eat?" he asked and she nodded.

"She's a little monkey Leonard," smiled Winona as she started to serve up their food.

"I'm not a monkey, I'm a pirate!" Joanna protested.

"She's a pirate, apparently," said Bones, rolling his eyes but he was smiling too.

"It appears I have missed something," said Spock matter-of-factly and Jim laughed.

"No, you haven't really. But we need to make you a pirate name so you can join in the game."

"I have no requirement of a 'pirate name', thank you," he said and Bones snickered.

"How about… 'Captain Pointy Ears' of the USS Hobgoblin?" Bones suggested and Jim kicked him under the table. Spock narrowed his eyes.

"Now children! Stop quarrelling. Let's say grace," said Winona as she sat down next to Jim at the head of the table.

They ate reasonably quietly. Jim found himself picking at his food, no matter how good it smelled he couldn't find his appetite. It needed something different, it wasn't sweet enough.

"Hey mom do we have any like… ice cream sauce?" he asked hesitantly.

"Probably. It might have been here a few years though so I'm not sure if _I'd_ eat it," she smiled. Jim got up and started rummaging through cupboards until he found what he was looking for.

"Jim that is just… wrong on every level of wrong," Bones grimaced as Jim dumped a generous helping of toffee syrup all over his chicken.

"I concur with Doctor McCoy. Even by human standards, your choice of condiment is… unusual." Spock raised an eyebrow.

"I just want something sweet and sugary and… oh my god this would be amazing with ranch on it too!" Jim squealed, snatching up the dressing and adding it to his plate too.

"I… I… are you… out of your farmer _mind?_" Bones demanded.

"Uh... yeah it's not great now. Maybe ketchup?" Jim wondered aloud, reaching for the ketchup. Joanna took it before he could get it.

"Uncle Jim that's gross! You can't put toffee and ranch _and_ ketchup on the same thing. You're gross!"

"Joanna mind your manners. But yeah… Jim could you maybe like… concoct your weird food experiments whilst I'm _not_ trying to enjoy my own food?" Bones asked and Jim sighed.

"Fine. I'll go upstairs. I'm not even hungry anyway," he huffed, pushing his plate away and storming out of the room.

Nobody spoke. Everyone seemed too shocked.

After a few moments Spock rose from the table but Winona reached over and put a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll go, dear," she said, starting towards the stairs.

"Jimmy?" she knocked on the bedroom door. He ignored her.

"Jim?" she asked again, sighing when she was once again ignored.

"JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK!" she roared.

"Come in," came the sheepish reply and she barged into the room.

"Oh Jimmy what's the matter?" she asked upon seeing Jim's red puffy eyes and tears on his face.

"Nothing. I'm fine," he insisted, turning away from her.

She sat down carefully on the edge of the bed beside him.

"I haven't seen you cry since you were a little boy," she said quietly.

"I'm not crying… I have… allergies," he blurted out and she smiled.

"What's the matter son?" she asked, one hand rubbing his back soothingly.

"I… I don't even know! That's what's wrong! I don't even know. I just want to cry at everything. I'm so tired mom, and building up to the mission is making me sick with worry. I don't want to make this _stupid_ speech and go to this stupid ceremony and face people who lost friends and family because of my failure to do my damn job properly," he sighed, throwing himself dramatically back onto the bed so he was staring at the ceiling.

"Can I read your speech?" she asked and he looked at her strangely.

"I… No. You can't. You can come and listen to it on Friday at Starfleet," he said, blue eyes meeting her hazel ones.

"Of course I will. Now stop your stressing before I slap you upside the head, you understand?" she threatened and he nodded.

"Good. Oh, Spock, just in time," she smiled at the doorway as Spock cautiously entered the room.

"Mrs Kirk. I did not wish to interrupt your conversation," he said as he tried to back away.

"You didn't, I was just leaving," she smiled as she stood up, giving Jim's shoulder a reassuring squeeze, she excused herself from the room, closing the door behind her.

"Doctor McCoy and I have made arrangements for you to be assessed at Starfleet medical tomorrow. We are both now very concerned for your health and believe it is vital that you receive a thorough examination. If you object, I will use whatever force necessary to ensure your co-operation."

"I'm fine, thanks for asking. And you'll be dragging me kicking and screaming to medical, because I am _not_ letting anyone near me. I'm perfectly fine! You're all going crazy over me being sick for like two days! I just have an upset stomach, alright? Sometimes that happens to us weak humans, and sometimes we want to eat weird food as we start to get over it. Like last time I was sick I ate French fries dipped in banana milkshake and I felt _way_ better afterwards," Jim smiled at the look of disgust on Spock's face.

"Oh get over it!" he laughed as he grabbed the Vulcan and dragged him down onto the bed, kissing every part of his face and neck that he could reach.

Spock stopped him as Jim started to try and climb on top of him.

"Not whilst you are unwell."

"I… _what?!_ Spock I'm fine! You can't just refuse to put out because I haven't been feeling my best, that's so unfair!" Jim pouted.

"I believe I just did," said Spock calmly.

"Spooocccckkk," Jim whined.

"You are providing yet more evidence to support the theory that you are as the Doctor would say, 'an infant'."

"Oh shut up," Jim spat, getting up from the bed and snatching up a PADD from on top of his chest of drawers. He didn't know where his sudden aggression had come from, nor did he care in the slightest.

Spock looked up at him from the bed, dark eyes filled with confusion.

"I'll be downstairs working on my speech but I'd rather if you just left me alone," said Jim as he stormed from the room without a single glance back at Spock.

"Most peculiar," mumbled the Vulcan, making a mental note to mention to the Doctor about Jim's erratic switches in mood.

**~A/N~**

**Well. Somehow this chapter originally posted without my Authors Note and with all the page breaks missing... so... sorry to anyone that missed out or found it hard to read because of the fact it basically just all jumbled in together. Not sure what happened there, sorry!**

Aaaannyywaaayy. I'm getting some theories about what could be wrong with our Jim! Do let me know what you think :)


	16. Chapter 15 - Family

**~A/N~ **

**WELL! There have been a LOT of reviewers suggesting what could be wrong with our dear Captain... I might just reveal in this chapter :D**

**I also actually had some negative things said, things like 'if the story turns into this then i'm out of here'... I'd just like to say, you're very free to click that little red 'x' in the corner. If you don't like something please don't flame, because that shit is just immature. If anyone wants to flame, then I want to play a game of 'fuck off', and you can go first ;)**

**Anyway, moving on. Uh... SMUT WARNING first and foremost, and warning for feels. ALLLL the feels. Angsty feels and fluffy feels. Please feel free to review and tell me about your feels. Enjoy.**

**Chapter Fifteen - Family**

*****Three days later*****

"Jim, we cannot be late," Spock warned, looking down at Jim who stared up at him with hunger burning in his blue eyes.

"We won't be."

"But it is already 0700, we must be ready to depart at-"Spock stopped talking abruptly as Jim swallowed him whole. He forced back the moan that threatened to escape when he hit the back of Jim's throat.

Unable to resist, he tangled his fingertips in Jim's soft golden hair, tugging slightly. Jim continued to stare up at him, his eyes dark with lust and want and desire. The look alone combined with the sight of Jim's full pink lips around his cock was enough to have Spock quickly losing control.

Jim's hands pushed Spock's shirt up, skilled fingers pinching at his sensitive nipples. Spock hissed and Jim smirked, pulling back and circling his tongue.

"Please… please do not do that," Spock gasped out.

"Why?"

_Because I lose every scrap of self control when your tongue touches me in that way _Spock thought to himself but didn't give Jim the satisfaction of answering.

Jim slipped two of his fingers into his own mouth before lowering them and pressing one into Spock.

"That doesn't hurt does it?" Jim asked, the expression on his face rapidly changing to one of care and concern.

"I would inform you if it did."

"Please do," Jim smiled before returning his mouth to the task it had been previously occupied with whilst slowly teasing Spock with his finger.

He added a second finger and moved them apart carefully, looking for-

"Jim!" gasped Spock through gritted teeth. Jim smirked and continued to tease, deliberately moving his fingers away from the spot which caused the most reaction.

Spock's fingers gripped Jim's hair tighter, his breathing increasing in pace and becoming shallow.

"You're in some serious trouble," Jim warned as he pulled away both his mouth and fingers, removing his shirt and throwing it aside. He grabbed Spock's shirt next and it joined his somewhere on the floor, before he removed his boxers and snatched the bottle of lubricant from the bedside cabinet.

"There appears to have been some confusion over our roles, _Captain_," said Spock, deliberately adding the last word as he knew the effect it would have on his partner.

"Oh no, there really hasn't," Jim smiled as he applied the lube to his own cock before grabbing Spock's legs and kneeling between them.

"You stop me if I hurt you," he said and Spock gave a small nod as Jim began to press into him, moaning softly. Spock had allowed Jim to top him a handful of times before over the course of the summer, but he much preferred being in control.

Spock raised his legs so the back's of his knees rested on Jim's shoulders, causing the human's mouth to fall open slightly as he slid easily into his partner.

"Oh… Spock… I- shit I forget you're so flexible," Jim gasped out, his hands roaming the Vulcan's strong, pale legs, settling on gripping the lean thighs tightly as he set up a rhythm.

Jim sped up to a pace he knew he wouldn't be able to maintain for long, causing the bed to squeak under his movements.

"You will wake Doctor McCoy and-"

Spock didn't get to finish his sentence as Jim crashed his lips into his, his tongue taking full possession of his mouth and his teeth tugging on his bottom lip as he pulled away.

"-Incur his wrath," Spock finished.

"Do you trust me?" Jim asked breathlessly. It was a fairly stupid question given the situation, but he felt he needed to ask it anyway.

"Implicitly," Spock confirmed.

"Wrap your legs around my waist and hold onto me," Jim instructed, wrapping his arms around Spock's back.

Without separating their bodies, Jim heaved his partner off the bed and carried him to the wall where he pinned him against it with a growl from low in his throat. Spock held onto Jim's body with his legs and his shoulders with his hands, unable to contain a moan at Jim's dominant actions and the way the new angle had him hitting his prostate with every movement.

"Mm, so good," Jim mumbled as he set a new pace, biting Spock's neck over and over again and leaving tiny green marks on the pale skin.

His grip on Spock's hips increasing to an almost painful intensity, Jim thrust harder, causing Spock to tense and his head to fall back against the wall.

"You like that?" Jim demanded in a low voice, slamming into Spock's sensitive prostate once again and making him see stars.

"Y-yes, very much Captain," he stammered in response.

"Oh _god_," Jim moaned, his eyes rolling back as he pounded the Vulcan at an almost savage intensity.

Spock came suddenly and without warning, muffling his moan against Jim's neck as he bit down hard.

Jim was just a few seconds behind, his entire body tensing and his vision going white for a moment as he gasped out a string of expletives.

The two men fell back into the bed, Jim pulling the blankets back over them and wrapping his arms around Spock. Both took a few moments to get their breath back after their intense physical activity and Spock cleaned off his stomach with a washcloth from the supply Jim kept hidden under their bed.

"Well apparently I _really_ like it when you call me 'Captain' in the bedroom," Jim grinned.

"It would also appear that I am beginning to enjoy being under your control. I found you pinning me to the wall in such an animalistic way particularly arousing," said Spock as if he were discussing a new scientific discovery.

"You're telling me you like it rough?" asked Jim incredulously.

In the almost three months Spock had been staying with Jim, they'd had a lot of sex. It had always been bound to happen; Iowa wasn't exactly the most entertaining place in the world. Their first time had been… rushed. Jim regretted that but Spock told him it was irrelevant. After that they had taken a lot of time over thoroughly learning each others body, learning what the other liked and disliked. The boundary into rougher sex hadn't really been crossed.

"That is not what I said _ashaya_," said Spock with a small smile before glancing at the clock beside the bed. "We must begin preparing to depart or we will be late," he said as he noticed the time.

"Oh that? Ignore it. I set the clock an hour ahead so I'd have time to screw your brains out before we had to leave," Jim laughed, rolling so he was facing Spock, his arm draped around his waist and his face nuzzling into his neck.

"That was… both a devious and brilliant plan," mumbled Spock as they both drifted back off to sleep.

"Oh for the _love_ of god!" Bones roared, finally losing his temper with Jim. He grabbed him by the collar of his uniform and slammed him into the wall.

"I've had enough of your shit at this ungodly hour of the day! Your hair is fine, your uniform in fine, your damn face looks fine, now shut the hell up and GET OUTSIDE!" he bellowed. Jim stared at him for a second before deciding that yes, he did seem serious.

"Ok Bones, sorry," he mumbled sheepishly. Bones let go of his uniform and Jim straightened it.

"Damn it Jim! You've got a goddamn hickey on your neck," Bones grumbled as he noticed the pink mark, going to his medical bag and pulling out a dermal regenerator. Jim recoiled as he advanced on him with the device.

"I can't let you go up there in front of _all_ of Starfleet with a damn hickey now hold still!"

Jim did as he was told and Bones repaired the offending hickey in seconds.

"_Now_ you're ready. Jesus, and I thought kids were hard work."

Jim rolled his eyes and checked the mirror one last time before heading outside where Spock, Joanna and Winona were already waiting for them.

"You see, a five year old gets ready quicker than you," Bones pointed out.

"But my sheer level of awesomeness requires some fairly extreme maintenance," Jim laughed as they walked over to the others.

"Enterprise, five to beam up!" Jim grinned into his communicator, catching Spock's eye as he said it.

"Right you are sir," responded Scotty and the tiny specks of light began to swirl around them as they started to transport.

"That was THE COOLEST THING EVER!" shrieked Joanna as they materialised on the transporter pad aboard Enterprise.

"Yep, it's pretty cool. But hey, sweetheart, can we be a little quieter? It's really early," Bones whined and Jim snorted.

"Well aren't you all merry lot for this hour!" grinned Scotty as he stepped out from behind the controls. Jim stepped forward and offered his hand. Scotty looked at his hand and shook his head.

"I'd say we're at the level of man-hug, sir," grinned the Scotsman as he grabbed the Captain.

"Oh go on then!" Jim laughed, patting his friend on the back as they embraced.

"Yer lookin' very sharp sir," Scotty noted as he stepped back.

"I feel kind of like I'm made of cardboard," Jim shifted awkwardly in his stiff dress uniform that Winona had ironed to within an inch of its life.

"Scotty where in the hell is _my_ man hug!" Bones objected loudly.

"I'll get to ya in second lad! There's only so much Monty Scott to go around," he laughed. "Get over here ya miserable bastard," he grinned as he embraced Bones.

"Uh… hello, Commander?" Scotty offered when he reached Spock who gave him a small nod in greeting.

"Safe to say there'll be no man-hugging here then?"

"Affirmative Mr. Scott," Spock agreed.

"Okay then! Movin' on here… Wee one! Ye look just like yer' daddy you poor, poor thing," he smiled as he reached Joanna.

"I'm _way_ prettier than daddy," Joanna protested.

"Right you are," nodded Scotty ruffling her hair affectionately and moving on to introduce himself to Winona.

"Shall we?" he asked Jim.

"Yeah, better had," Jim agreed, a nervous lump rising in his throat. He was dreading giving his speech. He went over and over and over the words in his mind, determined not to forget anything.

Scotty beamed the six down to Starfleet HQ, where crowds of people all wearing the same grey uniform were milling around. Bones grabbed Joanna's hand to make sure they didn't get separated.

"Well, I have to report straight to Archer, so I'll see you all on the other side," said Jim with a small nervous laugh.

"Remember to stand up straight, speak clearly and don't mumble and if you get nervous just imagine everyone is naked," smiled Winona, giving her sons shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"Apart from me," she added quickly and Jim smiled.

"Thanks, Mom," he nodded and she headed off with Scotty, Bones and Joanna.

"Stop worrying," said Spock. The fear in Jim's blue eyes was plain to see.

"I'll try," he said, straightening his uniform again and looking around.

"I will meet you after your speech," assured the Vulcan. Jim nodded. He wanted nothing more than for Spock to hug him and tell him everything would be alright, but he knew that wasn't exactly going to happen in a plaza packed with Starfleet officers.

He was surprised when Spock's hand lightly brushed against his as he walked away, in a way that could have been accidental to anyone watching but Jim knew was very deliberate. The sign of affection made him grin like an idiot for a moment before he pulled on his hat and set off purposefully for Archer's office.

"There will always be those who mean to do us harm. To stop them, we risk awakening the same evil within ourselves," Jim paused, looking around enough that he didn't seem like he was just talking to himself, but not enough that he could see the true magnitude of the crowd of people standing before him.

"Our first instinct is to seek revenge when those we love are taken from us, but that's not who we are." Jim dared to look at Spock for the first time since he'd taken the stage. His dark eyes were fixed on him as he listened intently to every word, his expression giving nothing away. He was sitting in a row with Bones, Scotty, Uhura, Chekov, Sulu and Carol Marcus.

"We are here today to rechristen the USS _Enterprise _and to honour those who lost their lives aboard her, those who lost their lives here in San Francisco, in Georgia, and nearly one year ago on the planet Vulcan." Jim paused again, his sweaty hands gripping the lectern. He looked anywhere but at Spock. His eyes glanced over the civilian seating and he saw his mother sitting with Joanna next to her and on his mothers other side someone Jim had not expected to see staring back at him, his older brother George. Jim cleared his throat and averted his eyes, beginning to speak again.

"When Christopher Pike first gave me his ship, he had me recite the Captain's oath, word's I didn't fully appreciate at the time." Jim paused again. He glanced at his crew, his friends, his _family_.

"But now, I see them as a call for us to remember who we once were, and who we must be again."

The plaza burst into applause and Jim stepped back, receiving a pat on the back from Archer who then stepped forward to wrap up the speaking.

All Jim could focus on was George's face in the crowd.

In a daze he made his way through the groups of officers standing around talking until he reached his brother.

"What… what are you doing here?" he asked, his blue eyes meeting a nearly identical set.

"I came to see you speak, Mom asked me to," George replied coolly.

"But… why? Why are you here George?" Jim demanded.

"Mom wants us to… fix it. Make things right between us. She doesn't want you vanishing off into space and leaving things on bad terms."

"She doesn't think I'm coming back, and neither do you?" Jim said angrily.

"I honestly don't know. I… I'm sorry Jim. I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for how our relationship ended up. I'm sorry for how I treated you all those years. My actions are not excusable," he said solemnly.

"No, they aren't," Jim spat.

As children George and Jim had never got along. George took every opportunity to remind Jim that he was responsible for their father's death. He joined in when the kids picked on him at school. He left him alone with their stepfather Frank to take the brunt of his bullying. As adults they had fought, once so badly that both of them had ended up needing medical treatment. The last time they saw each other George had told Jim he wished he had died that fateful day on the Kelvin.

"Twenty years George! You can't just… take back twenty years of shit and misery and… you need to leave. I'm busy. I have things to do today. Leave me alone George," said Jim, turning to walk away. George grabbed his shoulder and Jim tensed.

"Let go of me," Jim warned and George wrenched his shoulder to turn him around.

Jim glared at his brother and took a step closer to him, their faces mere inches apart.

"You listen to me. I want _nothing_ to do with you. You made my life miserable for so long… you were the reason for me always being in trouble. You were the reason for all those stupid fucking barfights I'd end up in, because I was _angry_ at myself. Because I felt responsible for what happened to… to Dad. It was all _you_. You fucking stay away from me," Jim growled, pushing his brother firmly in the chest to emphasise his point.

"What the fuck Jim? I come all the way out here, I do my best to apologise and make things right and you're going to throw it back in my face?" George raised his voice.

"You can't just shake my hand and make it all go away, George. You never will be able to. I hate you! You made me feel so much guilt and so much hate for myself and just… fuck you."

Jim turned and started to walk away, hardly even surprised when he felt George's fist contact the side of his head, hard. He turned to look at his brother. George had always been bigger than Jim, but now Jim definitely held the size advantage and he squared up to George.

"I'm in uniform asshole, I'm not going to hit you back and lose my job over it. Go back to Iowa and smoke some more pot or whatever the fuck it is you do with your day, I'm done talking to you," said Jim firmly, walking away with his fists clenched.

_Don't rise to it. Keep calm. Just take a nice deep breath, count to ten, don't rise to it or you'll be in so much trouble._

"It was your fault you know!" George yelled after him.

_One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten._

_No. Not working._

Jim stopped walking and turned slowly back around to face his brother.

"You want to talk about this? I'll meet you later, outside the house and we'll talk about it. I can't do this here," said Jim.

George looked embarrassed but nodded.

"Now leave," Jim ordered, walking away and going to join the rest of the bridge crew who were standing talking in a group.

"Keptin! It is good to see you, you look wery good sir!" said Chekov excitedly as Jim joined their group.

"Thank you Chekov, it's good to see you too. It's good to see everybody," he said, trying to force some enthusiasm into his voice.

Jim kept mostly quiet, not really joining in the conversation except for when someone addressed him directly. All he wanted to do was retreat somewhere quiet with Spock and be alone with him.

An all-too familiar nauseous feeling washed over him and he groaned, rubbing his stomach.

"Y'alright laddie?" Scotty asked and Jim nodded.

"Yeah... I... ate some bad chicken, I think," he shrugged it off.

Spock raised an eyebrow at him.

"Bad chicken can be wery bad for you Keptin, maybe speak to ze doctor and he can fix it?" suggested Chekov.

Jim glanced around, looking for Bones but he couldn't see him anywhere.

"I'll find him later, I don't want to bother him right now," said Jim, doing his best to ignore the way Spock's eyes were drilling into him.

"Doctor Marcus!" Jim smiled as Carol came over to join them; he was keen to change the subject from his mysterious illness that had now been affecting him for over a week.

"It's Wallace now actually, I changed it to my Mother's name… I don't want to be associated with… you know," she said shifting uncomfortably.

"Of course, I understand. I was pleased to see your transfer request to join the Enterprise permanently. Spock was a little edgy about another Science Officer stealing his thunder but I'm sure you'll learn to work together, won't you Spock?" Jim asked with a small smirk and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Captain. I expressed no negative response to Officer Wallace becoming a permanent member of the Enterprise crew. I have no concern about her 'stealing my thunder' as you put it," said Spock and Carol smiled.

"I'm looking forward to working with you Mr Spock," she said and Spock nodded his head slightly.

Bones walked over with Joanna in tow and stood next to Jim.

"Ladies and Gents may I introduce the youngest Enterprise crew member," he announced and Jim grinned. Komack must have confirmed with Bones that it would be acceptable for him to bring Joanna along on the mission.

"Now I will not be ze youngest!" smiled Chekov. Bones introduced Joanna to everyone one by one and then he reached Carol.

"Carol, it's good to see you," he said awkwardly.

"It's good to see you too Doctor, that's quite the tan you've got there," she commented, smirking slightly.

"Well, y'know, lazy summer in Iowa and all Jim wants to do is lay in the sun like a cat so I kinda got caught up in it a little too," he blushed slightly. Jim smirked to himself.

_Someone has a crush._

Jim's stomach churned violently and he felt the colour draining from his face. He quickly excused himself from the conversation and hurried into the building, arriving in the bathroom just in time to throw up into the toilet. He splashed cold water on his face and washed his mouth, standing leaning against the sink for a few moments to try and force his stomach to calm down.

The door opened and Bones barged in, looking at Jim seriously.

"Medical. _Now_. No more arguing Jim, this has been going on over a week and I need to know what it is so I can treat it," he said firmly.

"Where's Joanna?" Jim asked.

"Hobgoblin has her. When I left she was getting a piggy-back ride from Sulu but Spock promised me he'd keep an eye on her. Come on, quit your stallin', let's go get a good look at you."

Jim sighed and nodded, admitting defeat.

He walked with Bones to the medical centre within Starfleet HQ and obediently took off his formal uniform jacket when he was ordered to. Bones took a sample of blood from his arm and wandered off with it; leaving Jim sat on a bio-bed with his legs dangling over the edge, staring at a white wall.

Bones returned around fifteen minutes later looking very confused indeed.

"Lay down on your back and lift up your shirt," he ordered.

"Ooh. Kinky," Jim smirked and Bones rolled his eyes.

"Not kidding around here. Do it. I think I might know what's wrong with you, but I _hope_ I'm wrong, you damn pain in my ass," he grumbled as Jim obeyed his order and lay down with his shirt pulled up.

"Your hands are cold," Jim winced as Bones started prodding him in the stomach.

"Yeah well, get over it."

"Ow. Bones! Not so rough, that's tender!" Jim protested as the doctor prodded him in the lower abdomen.

"Where? Right here?" he asked, prodding in the same place causing Jim to squirm.

Jim tried to keep still as the doctor carefully felt around his stomach. The look on Bones' face had him worried.

"So, what's the matter, what am I dying from?" Jim asked as Bones let him sit back up.

"You'll be dying from my foot up your ass unless you keep quiet and still for a goddamn second! Lay back down."

Jim did as he was told.

Bones held a small scanning instrument over his stomach, passing at back and forth and in small circles over and over again as if he didn't believe the reading.

"Well I'll be damned," he said as he allowed Jim to sit up again, eyes staring intently at the scanners screen.

"What? What is it? I don't like this. You have to tell me what's going on, you're freaking me out," said Jim and Bones ran a hand through his hair and then shook his head.

"I don't know quite how to tell you this Jim," he said with a small shake of his head.

"Tell me _what_ Bones?" Jim demanded. Bones stared at him for a good few seconds, his hazel eyes meeting Jim's blue ones.

Bones sat down in a chair that was beside the bio bed and shifted it closer to Jim.

"Jim I… I don't know how, and I promise I'll help you figure this all out and figure it out with Spock too and- Jim… you're pregnant," Bones finished quietly and Jim stared at him for a few seconds before he burst out laughing.

"Wow. Hilarious! Did Scotty put you up to this? He starting that prank war back up?" Jim asked, feeling his heart sink when Bones' face was dead serious.

"I'm not kidding Jim. I ran the test ten times."

Jim was silent. Bones was silent. The two men just stared at each other.

"But… I'm a man. Men don't have babies Bones. I don't have the… the junk required for that," Jim stammered.

"I can only assume that this is something to do with Khan's blood. I'll have to ask Archer for the files on the superhumans. It's likely they were genetically engineered so that men could also bear children, it would prevent them being wiped out if they somehow lost all their women. When Khan's blood healed your body it must have developed the systems needed to allow this to happen," he explained.

Jim was silent for a long few minutes, a million thoughts rushing through his head.

"How far? I mean how… long?" he asked quietly.

"A little over ten weeks, judging by the development," Bones answered.

"And it's… it's alive?" Jim asked.

"Thriving," said Bones as he watched Jim's blue eyes brim with tears. Somehow the younger man managed to prevent them from falling.

"Make it go away," Jim mumbled, shaking his head. "I can't do this."

"Jim I… I know this must be a lot to take in and I'm going to run some more tests to try and establish exactly how this has happened. I can call Spock here if you like and you two can talk about… about what you're going to do," he said gently. Jim shook his head.

"No. I don't want to tell him. This shouldn't be happening, he doesn't need to know if I stop it from happening," he said firmly, wiping away tears with his hands.

"In case you've forgotten, he's a _touch_ _telepath_ Jim. He'll know the second he touches you. You're better to just tell him and you can talk through all your options. I need to tell you though that the foetus is completely healthy and I _strongly_ object to aborting it. There's no medical reason you can't do this," Bones explained and Jim nodded and then the two fell into silence once again, the only sound Jim's occasional sniffling.

"Will it have his ears?" Jim asked quietly and Bones smiled. He had a feeling Jim's initial reaction would be like this, panic and talk about getting rid of it, but then softening and actually thinking about all the possibilities.

"More than likely. Scans are showing thirty-two percent Vulcan DNA. You want to hear the heartbeat?" Bones offered and Jim's eyes widened.

"It… it's heart is beating?" he whispered.

"From about six weeks," Bones nodded.

"If I hear it I'll never want to let it go, but I think that's what I'm going to have to do. I can't go on the mission like this. I can't do that to Spock, or an innocent baby, or to you having to take care of me or to anyone who's have to do my job when I needed time off or-"

"Jim you're rambling. Just take a deep breath. I'm not going to force you to do anything. I understand it's completely your decision. I understand it's also a huge shock. For now I'm going to give you a vitamin shot and a copper supplement because your body is deficient due to the Vulcan's higher need for copper. I'm going to talk you through some basic do's and don't, and then we're going to walk back out as if nothing happened and you've just got stomach flu and I gave you a hypo for it. You can take all the time you want to think about it, to decide, but I strongly suggest you tell Spock. Really this is as much up to him as it's up to you," Bones said and Jim nodded.

Jim accepted his vitamin and copper supplement hypo's without so much as a whimper of protest and sat in silence one hand absent-mindedly stroking his completely flat stomach.

"Will I get an enormous belly?" he asked and Bones smiled again.

"Not exactly. Vulcan's have a lower gestation period of thirty weeks compared to a human's usual forty weeks, so we'd be aiming for anything around the thirty-three to thirty-five week mark. Their babies and smaller but they grow much faster after they're born. In addition to that your… dammit Jim I can't believe I'm saying this… your uterus is in a slightly different place. It's almost as if it's tucked away behind everything else to keep it protected."

"Well Khan did say his people were engineered for war, no wonder it's protected," Jim said and Bones nodded in agreement.

"You'll show though. I can't say how long that'll take, but you'll have something of a bump."

"Wonderful. That'll really add to my image of authority as a Captain," Jim rolled his eyes.

Bones stayed silent. Jim was staring at his stomach and rubbing it.

"Does that explain why I've been wanting to eat like… strawberry yoghurt on potatoes? And ranch on everything? And… ah it doesn't like meat if it's taking after it's Daddy so that'll be why that makes me so sick. So… would I be… Mom?" Jim asked, screwing up his face. Bones laughed.

"That's for you to decide. And yes. Your hormones are making you crave weird food. _Your_ cravings are on a whole new level of disgusting though. Right. Let's be serious for a second. You need to avoid alcohol, caffeine, smoking, dangerous activities, impacts to your abdominal area and if it's making you sick maybe just stay off meat altogether," Bones instructed and Jim pouted.

"Are you sure you don't want to hear the heartbeat? Or see it?"

Jim hesitated.

"No. I don't want to get… attached," said Jim sadly. It seemed like he'd already made up his mind.

"Jim… don't make any hasty decisions here. Please talk to Spock about this."

"I… I can't Bones. This isn't something he'd want, I mean Joanna scares the hell out of him and she's way past the worst part, do you really think he could deal with a baby? Like a crying baby? He'd probably tell it that crying was illogical," Jim sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

"Well, if it's half him it'll already know that," Bones pointed out.

Jim was staring at the plain white wall, his feet swinging slightly back and forth as they dangled uselessly off the edge of the biobed. His fingers were still tracing small circles on his stomach.

After almost ten solid minutes of silence Bones sat down next to him on the edge of the bed and Jim looked up at him.

"I need you to answer me this question honestly Bones, as my best friend. I need an honest opinion, okay?" Jim asked and Bones nodded.

"Sure. Anything."

"If I was to… proceed… with this, would I be making a terrible mistake? I mean… do you think I'd be a good parent?"

"Honestly? And damn it Jim does it pain me to say this… but I think it'd be good for you. I've seen you with Joanna, you've got potential. Nobody is a good parent to begin with, you have to learn. I still have a lot to learn. You've got a fairly unique opportunity here, and although I'm not entirely sure he has the capacity for it, I think Spock would be… happy, once he'd come around from the shock."

"Wow, you didn't call him hobgoblin, you must be serious," Jim smiled.

"You need to tell him. He'll only find out from you otherwise. You're not going to be able to hide it forever," Bones warned.

"Really? See I was thinking I avoid him for the next few months, just wouldn't tell him until after it was born, and then I'd act like it was some weird cloning accident and we could just, y'know, carry on like it never happened…" Jim trailed off weakly.

"If you don't mind me prying… how far are you into your relationship? You're always pretty private around the house. I barely even see you makin' eyes at eachother and I've only heard things I didn't need to hear once or twice, and by the way Jim you moan like a little bitch."

"I've given away more of myself than I ever have before to anyone. The scariest thing is I'm ready to give more, to give everything," Jim said without hesitation, though he smirked at Bones' moaning comment.

Bones nodded.

"You're ready. If he feels the same then you're more than ready. Anyway, we should go back, Joanna has probably killed Sulu and Chekov by now…" Bones laughed and Jim smiled.

"If my kid is a boy, can he marry her?"

"What happened to not getting attached?" Bones snorted.

"Well you know, hypothetically, if I decide to continue of course. And I can promise he'll be the best looking kid out there, he'll be charming and have excellent manners, he'll call you sir at all times and he'll never even hold your daughters hand," Jim grinned.

"Well. I'll think about it, how about that, on the condition that you talk to Spock asap. As in, before we leave for the mission," said Bones firmly.

"Eh… I don't know. No promises. Anyway, let's go and rescue everyone. You won't tell anybody about this right?" Jim asked, all of a sudden looking very nervous again.

"Yeah, I thought I'd rent one of those planes that write things in the sky, and I'd put it up there in real big letters…" Jim rolled his eyes at his friends sarcasm. "Doctor patient confidentiality. I can't tell anybody, I'm bound by law," Bones finished and Jim nodded before they left the room, heading back to the plaza where crowds of crew members remained.

"I am most relieved that you have returned," said Spock as Jim and Bones reached the group.

"And why is that?" Jim asked with a casual smile.

_Act natural. But holy shit. A baby. An actual baby. With tiny pointy ears._

"Joanna has been behaving in a most mischievous fashion and has rejected all of my instructions for her to behave maturely. For the last four point two minutes she has been attempting to entice me to join her game of 'tag' with Ensign Chekov and Engineer Scott. I am unsure of how many more times I can decline before she becomes emotional." The whole time Spock was explaining Jim couldn't help himself wondering if their child would have his strong jawline or deep brown eyes.

Jim glanced around and spotted Joanna hiding behind Sulu, she was giggling at Scotty.

"Tag!" he cried as he dived across and touched her arm.

"Tag!" she giggled, touching Chekov.

He smiled but stood still, continuing his conversation with Sulu and Uhura.

"Paul it's your turn!" she pressed, tugging on the young Russian's sleeve.

"Paul? Where'd she get Paul from?" Jim asked.

"It is Pavel, Pa-vel," Chekov enunciated carefully, ensuring to get the 'v' sound correct.

"I prefer Paul. Like Kitty, I prefer Kitty," she grinned at Spock who was unable to hide the green flush rising in his cheeks.

"Kitty?" asked Uhura, raising an eyebrow.

"It's a long story," sighed Bones, putting his hands on his hips and looking down at the young girl causing trouble.

"Captain, you have a minute?" asked Sulu, bringing Jim out of his haze of thoughts.

"It's Jim, and sure, what's up?" he asked as he walked away from the circle with the pilot. Jim got along well with Sulu, they were close in age and had a lot in common.

"Well. I know we have just under two weeks until we ship out. My parents own a beach house on one of the Spanish canary islands, it's big enough for up to ten people. I was just thinking, you know, we've all spent so long apart, why not spend a few days there as a group to have some fun before we leave?" he suggested and Jim smiled.

"That… sounds like an excuse to sit in the sun drinking all day Mr. Sulu."

"Well. Some of that. There's also sitting in the pool drinking, or sitting in the house drinking, or burning meat on the barbecue and then drinking," he smirked.

"It sounds like an excellent idea. Put the invite out there amongst our little group; see who wants a bit of fun in the sun before five years in a metal box. You can count me in, by the way," smiled Jim.

A change of scene for a few days would be great, especially somewhere so relaxing. It'd be a great chance to get his head straight and work out what he wanted to do.

"Great! I'll put the word out there. McCoy's girl is the sweetest thing, isn't she?"

"She's great. It's amazing how confident she's become over the summer. When I first met her she was really shy, but now she's so out there. She drives Spock crazy," Jim smiled fondly. Sulu looked awkward.

"Yes, we are, before you ask," Jim added quickly and Sulu smiled.

"I knew it! Hey Pavel! Pavel I told you!" he called over to the Russian who looked confused for a second before his eyes lit up and he grinned and nodded, waving at Jim.

"Let's keep it quiet though hey?" Jim asked and Sulu nodded.

"Of course. Only between the bridge crew?"

"Great. Yeah, like a need-to-know basis. I don't want to make him awkward. When are you thinking on going out to the beach house?" Jim asked.

"Whenever everyone wants to really. It's empty at the moment, all for us if we want it," Sulu smiled.

"Do you think if we put Chekov in the sun long enough we could get the poor kid a tan?" Jim asked as he surveyed the group of friends in front of him.

"I don't know, he's pretty pasty," Sulu laughed.

"I think the ultimate challenge would be getting Spock to tan," Jim laughed and noticed Spock's ears prick up at the sound of his name.

"Am I interrupting your conversation?" he asked as he walked over to join Jim and Sulu.

"Yeah I was just talking about you, tell Sulu about how badly you wanted to get a suntan before we leave," Jim smirked and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"I have no desire for a-"

"KITTY!" Joanna leaped onto Spock's back and he caught her, holding her there so she didn't fall. She wrapped her legs tightly around his waist and her arms around his neck.

"Mush! Kitty! Run!"

"Joanna McCoy you get down from there this INSTANT!" Bones yelled and Joanna pouted, letting go and sliding back to the floor.

"You say sorry to Spock, and stop showing off in front of everybody young lady or you'll have to go on the naughty step when we get home," he warned.

"Sorry," she said quietly, walking away looking at the floor.

"Human children are most illogical," said Spock and Jim could have _sworn_ he saw him roll his eyes.

"Not all of them are," he said, maybe a little too quickly.

He spotted his mother and George through the crowd and felt a surge of annoyance bubble up. How could she bring George here today? After everything? How could she think that today was an appropriate time for them to try and make amends?

Spock's hand waved in front of his face and he blinked, coming back to his senses.

"Huh? Sorry," he mumbled.

"I was attempting to inform you that everyone appears to be leaving, if you would care to join us?"

"Yeah, that'd be good," he said with a weak smile.

"Is everything alright?" Spock asked, looking at him carefully.

Jim swallowed hard, trying to clear the lump rising in his throat.

"Everything is fine Spock, everything is going to be fine.

**~A/N #2~**

**Yes, i'm taking two author notes in this chapter, because I can and will!**

**Now, apologies if you're reading this and thinking 'oh god, what is she doing? I liked this story so much and now there's MPREG and I don't like it/don't read it/don't agree with it blah blah'**

**Please, fear not. I PROMISE you, the story is going to be awesome and not just fifty chapters of Spock singing to Jim's belly (wouldn't that be awesome though? I mean, I think i'd actually read that shit).**

**I did have this in mind from the beginning, I haven't just thrown it in, and it leads up to the ending that I've had in mind since I started writing. Now I've seen mpreg done very badly... but I'm going to TRY my best to do it better. I can promise you I'll do my utmost to avoid clichés and awkward weirdness, or anything out of character or wacky. **

**Your reviews and thoughts will mean more to me now that I've taken this risk than ever, so if you can spare a moment to tell me what you think, I will love you forever and make you cookies.**

**So what do we think peeps, is the baby going to be a girl or a boy? Look like Jim or Spock? Or Khan? *wiggles eyebrows***

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


	17. Chapter 16 - Four Weeks

**Chapter Sixteen - Four Weeks**

*****Three days later*****

"Spock I'm serious here! I can't _believe_ you're doing this!"

"I must. I apologise, but I must go. I do not understand the reasoning behind such an extreme emotional response, you will see me again in a mere four weeks," said Spock. He was trying to calm Jim down but everything he was saying was having the opposite effect.

"You're…_ leaving me_!" Jim blurted out.

"I am not leaving you, T'hy'la, I am required on New Vulcan before we begin our five-year mission and-"

"YOU'RE LEAVING ME!" he wailed.

"You… are not reacting logically," Spock mumbled, taken aback by just how upset Jim had become.

"You know what, leave, just… get out here!" Jim said dramatically, throwing Spock's packed bag at him.

"Jim. Jim _please_ be reasonable! You must understand. My father has requested that-"

"I know. He's requested that you visit the colony before we leave for our mission. He's probably going to try and sell you off to some Vulcan woman to make loads of adorable pointy-eared babies and repopulate the planet!" He flung himself onto the bed even more dramatically.

"I would never do such a thing. My thoughts will be with you the whole time I am away; and I will not allow my father or anyone else to attempt to influence my feelings towards you. Now Jim, I am going to leave as I do not feel there is anything further to be discussed. The longer I stay, the more upset you are becoming."

Jim stared at Spock, a scowl worthy of Bones on his features.

"Go. We'll pick you up in four weeks," he said flatly.

"Jim-" Spock reached for his hand and Jim wrenched it away.

"Leave, Spock. _Now_," Jim said in a low voice.

"Jim-" he tried again.

"CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ME OR SOMETHING?! LEAVE! GO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Jim roared, jumping to his feet and pushing Spock backwards with all of his strength.

Spock stumbled back a few steps; Jim was very strong for a human.

Even Spock couldn't hide the hurt on his face at the rejection.

"I am sorry that this hurts you in such a way, it was not my intention to upset you. Jim you must understand that I will always be a citizen of two worlds, and although over the past few months you have helped me feel more at home on Earth than ever, I was born and raised on Vulcan and to see New Vulcan developing is very important to me and to my father. I am unable to stay, as much as I would like to," Spock explained. Jim seemed to be calming slightly and Spock took a step towards him.

Jim had had a very difficult few days since the rechristening ceremony at Starfleet. He had met with his brother George and had learned that his grandfather Tiberius was gravely ill. He had attempted to make amends with his brother and as far as Spock understood they left it that they would no longer actively attempt to hurt each other.

"Spock. This is the last two weeks we're going to have on Earth for five years, all I wanted was to spend them with you," Jim said sadly. Spock felt a huge pang of guilt which he quickly forced away into the same corner of his mind as most of his other emotions.

"I wanted a great deal to spend more time with you too, this is a beautiful place and spending time here would have been… enjoyable," said Spock watching Jim carefully. They had travelled to Sulu's parents beach house the day before and the house itself was gorgeous, not to mention the island. The landscape was ancient volcanic and very striking.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Jim mumbled.

"That is the least of my concern. You are unwell _ashaya_, I can sense it. Your behaviour is becoming erratic. You are barely eating, you are not sleeping well, you are still experiencing symptoms of the stomach virus which the Doctor could have easily cured you of days ago, you are emotionally sensitive and often become upset and you have not allowed me to join our minds for several days. I do not _want_ to leave you whilst you are in this state," said Spock sadly.

"I'm fine. Just go before I start crying again," Jim sniffed.

"You have not stopped crying," Spock pointed out.

"Shut up," Jim mumbled as he pulled Spock into a hug. He could feel Spock trying to read him, his hands fiddling with the bottom hem of his shirt, tips of his fingers ghosting over his lower back.

"Quit it." Jim swatted away the hands but continued to hold Spock close.

"I will… miss you," said Spock hesitantly.

"Don't say that," Jim whimpered, feeling himself well up again. _Damn hormones._

"I apologise, I was merely attempting to tell you what I assumed you would want to hear, perhaps my understanding of human-"

"It's fine, Spock. I'm just tired and cranky because I didn't sleep very well last night. It is what I wanted to hear, and I'll miss you too. We'll pick you up on our way out, four weeks isn't a long time, I'll survive," said Jim determinedly. Spock stepped back and looked at him carefully.

"_T'hy'la_ can mean several things. Friend, brother and lover are three common meanings. However the word can also be used to describe a particularly deep affection… for you James, the word means soul-mate," Spock explained and Jim's eyes widened slightly.

He was speechless.

"I… Spock… I-"

"You do not have to say anything, Jim."

"I don't think I can," he breathed. Spock nodded.

Jim stepped towards him and pulled him into his arms once again, their lips connecting in a slow and gentle kiss. Spock's communicator began to chirp and Jim knew it was time for him to go.

"Oh no! No no NO!" Chekov shrieked as Scotty and Sulu grabbed him and carried him to the pool where they proceeded to throw him in.

The young Ensign surfaced, grumbling curses in Russian as the two older men laughed at him.

"I vill have my revenge one day!" he warned.

"I look forward to you tryin' laddie," winked Scotty as he jumped into the pool too.

"Are you boys causing trouble again?" asked Carol from the back door of the house.

"No ma'am. Chekov threw me in the pool so I was jus' gonna teach him some manners," grinned Scotty and Sulu laughed at the offended look on Chekov's face.

"I did not! I vould never! In fact maybe now I throw you in pool later, see how you like it," he glared as he climbed out of the water.

Uhura and Carol appeared from the house, both wearing bikinis. The three men tried to be respectful but couldn't help staring just a little bit as the two attractive women slowly got into the pool, giggling and chattering away.

It wasn't long before Uhura was drifting around on an inflatable lilo, Sulu noticed and immediately dive-bombed her, causing the mother of all splashing wars to commence.

"Holy Christ! It's like a god-damn nudist camp out here," grumbled McCoy as he emerged from the back door of the house onto the veranda that overlooked the pool.

"Come join us! Ze water is wery nice," offered Chekov.

"Well, seeing as you all look like you're trying to drown eachother I'm gonna stay here for now until you children calm down, thanks," he said, settling into a chair with an old paper book and starting to read.

Joanna came sprinting out of the house wearing a pink one piece swimsuit and dive-bombed straight into the pool, giggling wildly.

Carol swam to the edge of the pool and lifted herself out of the water enough to talk to Bones sitting up on the veranda.

"You sure you aren't going to join us Doctor? I think we were going to play volleyball and we could use another player…" she asked and he could have _sworn_ she fluttered her eyelashes. Even Bones couldn't say no to a beautiful, bikini wearing, glistening wet woman and retreated into the house to get changed.

"Jim! You coming to the pool? It's total carnage out there! Sulu and Scotty threw Chekov in the pool and Uhura and Carol look like something out of 'college girls gone wild'… Jim? Oh," Bones stopped talking as he noticed Jim curled up on the couch, fast asleep.

He'd been sleeping a lot and Bones was glad of this. He needed to listen to his body and do what he needed to do, and he was glad Jim was being sensible enough to do that.

He'd been struggling with sickness at all times of the day and night, his body didn't seem to want to accept anything that he ate. The Doctor was keeping a close eye on him and making sure he kept hydrated.

Deciding Jim looked a little peaky; Bones touched his forehead gently with the back of his hand.

"Get off me you big creep," Jim mumbled without opening his eyes.

"Well you don't have a temperature at least. How's your stomach?"

Jim opened his eyes and glanced around. Satisfied nobody else was in the room he answered the question.

"Sore. From all the puking. Damn kid is trying to kill me Bones, I swear it's trying to kill me."

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, it's pretty normal. Well, for a woman anyway. Anything else you've noticed?" Bones looked at him carefully. His blue eyes were dull and had dark circles beneath them.

"I'm not sleeping very well. My mind is full of all these crazy thoughts and I don't know where they're coming from, plus I'm worried about my grandfather, it doesn't sound good from what George told me. I feel like I should go and see him," said Jim as he sat up slowly and scratched his head.

"Doesn't he live in like… Ireland?"

"Wales," Jim corrected.

"Still rainy," Bones shrugged and Jim smiled.

"Very true. I think of all the time I spent there as a kid I only ever had one week where it didn't rain at all. I don't know if I want to stick around here, I mean, you're all going to want to go out and party and I'll run out of excuses eventually as to why I can't," Jim sighed.

"Did you tell Spock before he left?" Bones asked.

Jim looked at him and opened his mouth to speak but the look on his face said it all.

"Damn it Jim! _He needs to know about this_!"

"I know, I know, and I think in four weeks when we pick him up from New Vulcan I'll be ready to tell him."

"You're going to have to, he'll know by then anyway. If the little mini-goblin is as telepathic as its father it'll be sending him messages." Jim's eyes widened.

"Could that be all the crazy random thoughts in my head? Is that… it talking to me?" Jim asked.

"Uh… I don't know at this point. Seems a little early, but then I can't pretend to be an expert on Vulcans. I'll do some reading on it, see what I can find out. Jim I can't believe you haven't told him…" Bones sighed, shaking his head.

"I know, I'm sorry. I was going to last night but then I panicked and got worried he might leave me or something…" Jim trailed off weakly.

Bones looked down at him sitting on the couch.

He looked utterly pathetic, scared and alone.

"Jim he won't leave you. And if he leaves you damn it I'll be it's second daddy!"

Jim laughed and stood up, placing his hand on his friends shoulder.

"Thank you, Bones. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Don't mention it. Anyway, I need to change. I'm under strict orders from Miss Wallace to get my 'southern ass' in that pool right now," he smirked.

"You totally have a crush on her," Jim pointed out. Bones narrowed his eyes.

"Am I that obvious?"

"Uh… since the day you went down to that planetoid with her to take a look at that torpedo. What was the line you used… something like, 'I think I can work some magic on your missile'?" Jim laughed.

"Hey can it kid. Anyway, come on, come swim, I'll try and stop them from trying to drown you too much but that does seem to be the game of the day."

"Sure, I'll see you outside in a second," Jim nodded, heading to his room to change.

It felt so empty without Spock there.

Jim forced the thought out of his mind and stripped off his shirt, throwing it carelessly onto the floor in a way Spock would have raised an eyebrow at.

He stood in front of the mirror, staring at his reflection. _Jeez Jim, you look like hell. Aren't pregnant people supposed to glow?_

He turned sideways and looked carefully at his stomach. It was still perfectly flat, though he had lost a fair bit of muscle tone, probably due to the fact he could barely keep any food down and didn't have the strength to work out at all.

He ran one hand over his stomach slowly, unable to imagine what it would feel like as the baby grew.

"Well kid, I really want to swim so please don't make me puke any more today," he mumbled to himself before changing into his swimming trunks and walking outside.

Scotty wolf-whistled loudly.

"Why thank you," Jim smirked, taking a bow before diving neatly into the pool.

He surfaced and pushed the water off his face.

"Show off," laughed Uhura.

"Show off? Me? Uhura I don't think you know me at all, I'd _never_ show off!" Jim said, pretending to be hurt. He swam over to where she was floating on her inflatable bed and she narrowed her eyes.

"Jim if you push me-" she warned and he laughed, swimming closer.

"Jim!"

"JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK IF YOU-"the rest was cut off as Jim flipped her lilo over and tipped her into the pool.

"War is coming!" declared Sulu dramatically as a seething Uhura surfaced, glaring at Jim and anyone who dared laugh.

"Wolleyball?" Chekov offered, throwing the inflatable ball into the middle of Jim and Uhura's glaring match.

"Only if I can be on the same team as Jim, he looks like the sporting type," commented Scotty.

"I call Jim's team!" said Bones quickly.

"Me too!" said Sulu.

"So that leaves Chekov and the ladies, against us four," grinned Sulu as he pulled the volleyball net across the pool.

"Try not to cry when we beat you!" yelled Joanna and everyone laughed.

"Atta girl!" grinned Bones as the game began.

Spock took a deep, slow breath, attempting to re-centre his mind. Using the transporter for such a great distance was still a new occurrence to him, and it always made him feel slightly woozy.

He had met his father briefly when he had arrived, but after showing him to his room, his father had left him alone to meditate and rest after his journey.

As much as he tried to meditate, his thoughts strayed immediately to Jim and how upset he had been. Spock couldn't remember another time he had seen Jim so emotional, and so unreasonable with his emotion, almost as if no amount of explanation could make him understand that he was not leaving him permanently.

A thought occurred to Spock… what if he appeared too distant to Jim? What if his Vulcan nature made Jim constantly seek affection and attention as it was not readily available to him? What if he himself had caused Jim's emotional instability?

_Illogical_.

"Spock?" his father's voice interrupted his thoughts and he opened his eyes to find him standing in the doorway.

"Yes father," he said, getting to his feet.

"My apologies for interrupting your meditation, but I must request you accompany me. Elder Kuvak has informed me that his daughter lost her bondmate in the destruction of our planet. She is around the right age Spock, you could bond with her," his father said emotionlessly, as if he had no idea of the true meaning of what he was actually saying.

"I must decline father, and inform you that I have already formed a romantic attachment to another," he explained and his father raised an eyebrow.

"A Vulcan female?"

"Negative. My chosen partner is human." _And male. And my superior officer._

"Spock. It is vitally important that our genes are not diluted further and by you selecting-"

"Forgive my interruption father, but is that not rather hypocritical of you? If you yourself were permitted to select a human bondmate, why should I not be afforded the same privilege?" Spock said, using all his control to keep his voice steady. He felt anger bubbling up inside of him and forced it back down.

"Things were very different then Spock, Vulcan was thriving, our people were not endangered by low population numbers. Kuvak has informed me that his daughter is quite willing to bond with you, despite your disadvantage."

"You sound just like the bullies I faced as a child. I am of no disadvantage, father, in fact I believe my human heritage serves only as a strength as it grants me greater perspective," said Spock, narrowing his eyes.

"This is highly illogical Spock. It is vital that you produce offspring to ensure the future survival of our species, bonding with Kuvak's daughter would be the logical decision."

"I must decline," said Spock firmly. In his mind he could practically hear Jim yelling 'that's _my_ Vulcan, now back off!' and wished he were there to tell his father.

"Very well. I will leave you until tomorrow morning; ensure you rest adequately as we have much to do," said Sarek as he turned and left without another glance back at his son.

Spock's shoulders slumped.

_I know I disappoint you father, but I cannot help the way I feel. Jim is my T'hy'la, to bond to another would be unacceptable._

"Damn it Jim! You have to stop taking all my money!" Bones complained as he shoved the pile of plastic poker chips across the table towards his friend.

"Hey, it isn't my fault that you're a terrible poker player," he shrugged, taking another sip from his glass of water.

"But it is your fault you are wery good poker player," pointed out Chekov before he hiccupped loudly, causing Scotty to giggle.

Jim was uncomfortable to say the least. Everyone was drunk, even Bones was drunk and that took a _lot._

"I…" –hic- "would say tha's about bedtime," said Scotty, stumbling to his feet and taking a few shaky steps towards the door. The four men were playing poker out on the terrace. Uhura and Carol were giving Joanna a makeover in their room and Sulu was already passed out. Scotty and Chekov had drawn all over his face in marker pen and he was bound to be angry when he woke up.

Jim just wanted to crawl into his bed and sleep for a week.

"Yeah, I'd agree. I've had enough of taking your money for one night," Jim smiled, getting up from the table.

"Yeah Jim you should go to sleep anyway, you need to be restin' up. You won't get no sleep once tha' little bastard comes along," Bones slurred as he heaved himself to his feet.

Chekov looked confused.

"Oh… uh… Spock and I are getting a… puppy. Apparently they're hard work, right Bones?" said Jim, kicking him swiftly in the shins under the table for almost spilling the secret.

"Puppies are damn hard work. They cry all night. Don't ever get any puppies Chekov," he slurred, stumbling forwards and bashing into the table.

"Okay then let's get you to bed. Night Chekov," said Jim as he hastily grabbed Bones and dragged him into the house.

"Goodnight Keptin! Goodnight doctor, I look forward to your hangower medicine in ze morning!"

"You have the biggest mouth Bones," Jim hissed as he dragged him to his room and threw him onto the bed.

"And you have the biggest… eyes," he mumbled.

"Yeah well, we both know you've always been jealous of those. Now do I need to help you brush your teeth and get changed or are you alright?" Jim asked,

"M'cool, I'm totally cool," the doctor slurred, getting up off the bed and stumbling out of the room towards the bathroom.

Jim sighed as he heard Bones talking to a very sober Carol who he'd clearly met in the corridor.

"Carol, please ignore everything that comes out of his mouth. Chekov was teaching him how to drink 'wodka' and the poor sensitive soul can't handle it," Jim explained and Carol smiled.

"Hey! I can handle my drink jus' fine!" protested Bones, waving his arm so animatedly that it threw him off balance and he ended up elbowing the wall. Carol giggled.

"You look exhausted, Captain. Go and get some sleep and I'll make sure the good doctor gets to bed without hurting himself," she said and Bones smirked.

"Thanks," Jim nodded gratefully.

"And it's Jim! Call me Jim!" he called after her as she led Bones down the corridor to the bathroom. He'd started to sing something that sounded suspiciously like 'Sweet HomeAlabama' and Carol was laughing at him.

Jim brushed his own teeth in the other bathroom and got changed for bed, settling between the soft sheets. He'd sneakily kept the shirt that Spock had worn to sleep in the previous night and he brought it out from its hiding place under his pillow, holding the soft fabric close to his chest and breathing deeply.

The bed felt enormous laying there alone and Jim found himself tossing and turning, listening to everyone in the house settling down one by one and going to bed.

He lay still, forcing himself to breathe slowly and focus on getting to sleep.

_Will the baby have brown eyes? I kind of want it to have my eyes, they're pretty much my best feature…_

"Uncle Jim?" whispered a small voice from the door which had been cracked open.

"Yes sweetie?" he asked.

"Daddy fell asleep without reading me a bedtime story and now I can't sleep," Joanna pouted.

"Well that just won't do!" Jim flicked on the bedside lamp and patted the bed beside him, sitting upright. Joanna beamed and clambered onto the bed, handing him a PADD to read from.

"Looks like you finished your last story with Daddy, how about another one?" Jim asked and she nodded eagerly. Jim could see she was very tired and wouldn't be awake for long.

"How about a story about magic and wizards?" he offered and she nodded, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Alright settle down now," said Jim, pulling up the book he wanted on the PADD's menu and curling into a more comfortable position.

"You ready?" he asked Joanna and she grinned at him.

"Ready Uncle Jim. You read the bestest stories," she smiled, shifting closer and resting her head on his chest.

"Well, I do try. Let's see if you like this one," he said, clearing his throat he began to read aloud.

"Chapter One, the boy who lived. Mr and Mrs Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in something strange or mysterious, because they just didn't hold with such nonsense." Jim glanced down to see Joanna hanging off his every word; he smiled and continued to read.

"He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard, which were both long enough to tuck into his belt. He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak that swept the ground, and high-heeled, buckled boots. His blue eyes were light, bright, and sparkling behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice. This man's name was Albus Dumbledore. Albus Dum-" Jim stopped reading as he noticed Joanna was fast asleep. Her head was still leaning on his chest and he gently moved her so it was on the pillows before shifting down himself so he was laying flat.

"One day I'll ready Harry Potter to you too, and you can tell me all about how illogical the whole book is," he whispered, his hand lingering on his stomach for a moment.

"Night Joanna," he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead and switching off the lamp.

He closed his eyes and started to drift off to sleep, hoping the next four weeks passed by quickly.

"WHO DREW ON ME?!" yelled Sulu from the living room, causing Jim to stir. He smiled and rolled over onto his side, realising that although Spock wasn't there, he could still have some fun for the next few days.

**~A/N~**

**Hello again lovely people! Well don't I just ruin all the fun by sending Spock away for a while? Although I guess that means he and Jim can -ahem- reunite when he gets back to the Enterprise, if you know what I mean ;)**

**Anyway, a lighter chapter here. I wanted to bring in some of the crew a little more, but doing something a little more unusal for them. I kind of like Scotty, he's a troublemaker. Things are going to get very heavy soon, maybe two or three chapters down the road, so I wanted to offset it a little with this lighthearted tom-foolery. As always your reviews are very, very appreciated. And bear with me, the best part is coming soon ;) **

**(you'll see)**


	18. Chapter 17 - Selfish

**~A/N~**

**Howdy!  
I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise for how shitty this chapter is. I'm going through some tough times personally and it's making it very hard to focus on writing. I can see where the story needs to go, but I'm struggling to get it there, if that makes sense? My life has just become a gigantic pile of turd. So... in the next chapter I will naturally unleash that on our poor Enterprise... however this one was half written, so you get fluff, and nagging!Bones...**

**Also, I'm really sorry if I don't quite manage to update every other day, I'm a bit of a mess and very busy (plus I have a job now, and not a good one... urgh)**

Thank you once again for all the reviews! They really make my day, really really :)

**Today, I'm 21, and to celebrate I wrote this story sat in my room alone with the curtains closed. Happy birthday to me huh? ANGST TIME (in the story, that is)**

**Chapter Seventeen - Selfish**

****Three weeks later****

"Are you done Captaining for the day yet?" Bones demanded as he cornered Jim in the turbo-lift.

"No. I'm not actually. Scotty needs me in Engineering to sign off on some work he wants to do, and then I need to go back to the bridge to-"

"Am I going to have to sedate you?"

"Yeah, probably. I don't have time today Bones," said Jim as the lift stopped and he stepped out. The Doctor muttered something under his breath and followed him.

"Jim, since we've left Earth you haven't stopped. You've only been in your quarters four times and I looked at your replicator usage, you've eaten five meals in seven days! I swear to _god_ I will stun your ass and _drag_ you to sickbay. You're not even on this shift! You've been going fourteen hours straight!" he hissed as two crewmen walked past.

"And another hour or two won't kill me," Jim shrugged as he continued to stride towards engineering.

Jim had been busy since they had departed Earth, but he had also been making extra things for himself to do. He didn't want to sit still and have to think about Spock.

"It might not kill _you_, but tiny little Vulcan babies need _food_," Bones growled.

"Well, I'll eat when I have time, now come on, get back to sickbay, I'm sure you have other people to bother."

"No. I don't actually. Jim this is important! You need to look after yourself because it isn't just you that you're looking after anymore! You can't be selfish about this. I know you're all in a mess because of Spock not being here and you're worried about tellin' him, I _know_ that. But there'll be nothin' to tell him about unless you start god damn taking care of it!" Bones yelled. Jim looked up and down the corridor to make sure nobody was there to overhear them.

"Back to sickbay Doctor, that's an _order_," said Jim, storming off and leaving Bones scratching his head.

"God damn hormonal, stubborn... pregnant men," he growled, stomping back to sickbay.

Jim reached Engineering quickly and ignoring the way his head was spinning he started looking for the Chief Engineer.

"Scotty! What'dyou need?" Jim asked as he climbed down the ladder to where Scotty was working.

"Cap'n! I just need yer signature on this sir, I've been tinkerin' with some o' our phase pistols, but as you know, I cannae mess with no Starfleet equipment without yer authorisation," he said, handing a PADD to Jim who glanced over it.

"Why the modifications?" he asked.

"Increase their power, their range. Y'know, so we can effectively shoot bigger stuff," he shrugged. Jim nodded.

"Yeah. Shoot bigger stuff," he mumbled as he signed off on the PADD.

"Anything else?" he asked as he looked up, meeting the engineers eye for the first time.

"Nothin'… but… sir, are y'alright?" he asked. He knew Jim was busy due to Spock not being on board, he'd been working double shifts to make sure all of their work was done, but Scotty could tell Jim was in a state.

He'd visibly lost a noticeable amount of weight, his eyes were dim and had dark circles around them and he looked pale and sickly.

"I'm fine Scotty," he said firmly.

"Are you sure? Yer hand is shakin'," he pointed out as Jim handed back the PADD.

"Absolutely," he nodded as he turned and started to rush back up the ladder he'd come down.

He made it about halfway before he paused.

"Jim? Are y'alright?" Scotty asked tentatively.

"I'm fine Scotty, I just- a little too…" Jim's voice failed him as he started to pass out.

Scotty quickly grabbed him to break his fall as he fell backwards and gently lay the Captain on the floor, kneeling beside him. He wasn't hurt; Scotty assumed he'd just fainted due to his exhaustion.

"Scotty to sickbay, I've got Captain Kirk down here and he's passed out," he said into the communications panel.

"McCoy here. I'll come get him. Dumbass has been working himself too hard," the doctor grumbled back.

"Scotty I'm fine, don't let Bones come down here," Jim murmured weakly as he started to regain consciousness.

"Too late Sir, he's on his way," the Scotsman said apologetically.

Jim scrambled, trying to get to his feet. He didn't seem to have the strength.

"Scotty help me up?" he asked.

"I… it's probably better if you stay down there Cap'n I wouldn't want you to-"

"I'll make it an order Mr Scott. Help me up," he demanded.

"Right y'are then," he sighed, resigning and helping Jim get shakily to his feet.

Bones arrived with a hovering stretcher and glared at Jim.

"You would just be at the bottom of a ladder wouldn't you."

"I'm _fine_. I can climb up, go back to my quarters and get some sleep. I'm fine," Jim said stubbornly as he shakily started to climb the ladder.

The next thing Jim knew he was laying on a bio-bed in a private room in sickbay.

"Did you sedate me?" he demanded as Bones walked in, closing the door behind him.

"No, I didn't have to. You passed out again."

Jim sighed and sat up slowly. His head hurt, his whole body hurt, he was hungry and tired and anxious.

"I'm prepared to use medical orders to keep you here as long as you need to be here Jim, but I don't want it to come to that, so we're going to go a different route," he said, walking over to close the white curtain across the window of the room so nobody else could see them.

Jim didn't say anything; he just stared at the white wall.

"Lie back," Bones ordered and Jim obeyed, closing his eyes as he did so. If the bed wasn't so damn uncomfortable he would have been asleep in seconds.

Bones started tugging Jim's shirts up to reveal his abdomen. Jim had noticed in the last two days his stomach wasn't quite as flat as it usually was; there were the faintest beginnings of a bump. Jim protested weakly, but was too tired to put up much of a fight.

"Aww look at you, you're starting to get a little belly," Bones cooed and Jim glared at him.

"Don't poke me," Jim warned.

"I'm not going to poke you damn it!" he said exasperatedly as he dragged a machine over. Jim knew what it was and pulled his shirts down, backing away on the bed.

"No. Bones no. I don't want to see it," he argued and Bones put his hands on his shoulders.

"Jim. Don't fight with me. You need to see it, you need to focus on what it needs. If you're going to fight with me I can tie you down, it's your call," Bones said seriously. Jim sighed and flung himself back on the bed, pulling his shirt back up.

He didn't flinch when Bones put cold gel on him stomach, or when he first touched the ultrasound probe to his skin, but he did completely tense when he heard it, the beating of the heart of his child.

"Jim look at the screen," Bones ordered.

"I don't want to," he mumbled.

"You should. Why are you so set on going through with this, but then you don't want to see it, or talk about it? Is it because you don't want to do any of that without Spock?" Bones asked in a much softer tone. Jim felt his eyes fill with tears and he sniffed.

"He should be here," he forced out, trying to keep his voice level.

"He should, but he _will_ be. It's only what six more days? Just look at the screen Jim, please?" the doctor encouraged gently.

"Stop being so nice to me, it makes me uncomfortable," sighed Jim as he resigned himself and looked up at the monitor.

Blinking tears out of his eyes he stared at the blurry image of the growing child.

"And _that_ is why you need to get it together man! Eat a good meal and go and get a solid night's sleep, alright?" Bones said and Jim nodded, unable to take his eyes off the form on the monitor.

It was still blurry, but distinctly baby-shaped with an obvious head, body and limbs. Jim couldn't help but notice how fast the heart sounded.

"Isn't the heart a little fast?" he asked and Bones shook his head.

"It's within the normal range," he assured and Jim nodded.

"So, on a scale of one to ten, one being a raised eyebrow and ten being… doing a somersault off the Captains chair, landing on Chekov and then giving him a lap dance, how do you think Spock is going to react?" Jim asked.

"Uh… I honestly couldn't say. Could go either way. He'll be pleased, I know he will. He secretly loves kids, I see the way he does that tiny little smile at Joanna when he thinks nobody is lookin'," said the Doctor. Jim smiled. He'd missed that tiny little smile.

"Now for the love of god, go and eat and then sleep. I'll sign you off duty for two days-"Jim opened his mouth to object "-no arguing damn it!" the Doctor ordered.

Jim took one last look at the screen before Bones removed the ultrasound device and wiped the clear gel off Jim's stomach.

"How is it going to… get out? I mean, I don't have a… a… uh… door, for that," Jim asked awkwardly.

"Well you sure as hell found a damn door to put it in there," Bones muttered as he made some notes on a PADD. Jim smirked.

"C-section, Jim. Don't worry, I won't even leave you with a scar," he assured and Jim stared at him wide-eyed.

"You're going to _cut_ me?"

"No, I thought I'd just do a magical baby dance and the little bugger would appear out of thin air!"

"Could you? I mean, that sounds way easier," Jim said with a weak smile. The thought of any kind of surgery made him nervous.

"No! Now come on, get out of here, go and get some food," said the Doctor, helping Jim sit up and ushering him out of the private room.

"But-"

"No buts Mr Captain, I'll go to the bridge, tell them you have… I don't know, exploding ass boils or something and that everyone needs to leave you alone for two days. You can use your food hatch for everything you need in your quarters and then get some good sleep, and if you need anything you call me. I'll send Joanna down tomorrow anyway, she needs to get her daily dose of Harry Potter, and apparently I do the voices wrong," he said, rolling his eyes.

"You _do_ do the voices wrong Bones, your Hagrid sounds _way_ too threatening!"

"Oh get out of here you infant! And there's nothing wrong with my Hagrid!" Bones protested indignantly, giving Jim a playful nudge of the shoulder as he left sickbay.

Jim did as he was told and walked immediately back to his quarters, locking the door behind himself and sighing. He scanned the list of replicator items for any kind of food that sounded remotely appealing. Eventually he settled on soup and toast, deciding that at least it would be easy to throw back up if the baby disapproved of it.

He changed into his pyjamas and settled in his bed with his food.

Spock always forbade him from eating in bed, so he was enjoying the temporary luxury. He was surprised when he finished the whole bowl of soup with two pieces of toast and didn't feel sick at all. Deciding not to try his luck any further he walked into the bathroom to brush his teeth before returning to the bed and settling under the blanket, closing his eyes.

"So you like soup huh?" he asked himself, one hand rubbing slow circles on his stomach.

"I'd prefer if you liked steak, but I guess soup is something. I'd really like it if you liked chocolate, I could just go for some of that right now. It was good to see you today, I'm sorry I haven't been taking the best care of you, I'm just worried waiting for your daddy to come home and then we have to do something important," Jim mumbled sleepily.

He started to drift off to sleep, just listening to the quiet, steady hum of the ship around him. A thought drifted into his mind, the thought was almost as though a voice was whispering directly into his brain, and very similar to the way Spock would communicate with him when their minds were melded.

_Father._

"Holy shit," Jim breathed, jolting upright in bed.

"Is that you?" he asked his barely swollen stomach. He realised that if anyone was to walk into his room right now he would look absolutely insane.

The voice in his mind didn't say anything.

"Hey, don't be shy, you can talk to me," Jim encouraged.

He waited over ten minutes, but the voice said nothing.

"You're stubborn just like your father," Jim smiled as he settled back down to sleep.

"Exploding ass boils huh?" asked Sulu, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah. He needs at least two days. It ain't pretty," said McCoy, shaking his head.

"Well, you see I'm not sure if it sounds all that fun to be acting Captain _and_ acting First Officer at the same time," he said.

"Well you can make someone else your First; you don't have to do both jobs! It's two days Sulu, he needs the time," pressed the Doctor.

"Fine," Sulu nodded. McCoy clapped him on the shoulder.

"Thanks kid," he nodded, turning to leave the bridge. He entered the turbolift, standing facing forwards. He tried not to react when Uhura practically dived into the lift just before the doors closed.

"I'm going all the way down to medical," McCoy told her.

"That's fine," she nodded.

After an awkward pause she reached across and pressed the button to stop the lift.

"What's wrong with him?" she asked quietly, looking straight at McCoy who flinched under her accusing gaze.

"Nothing Uhura, he's fine," he dismissed.

"_Don't_ lie to me!"

Bones decided she was a very scary woman when she was angry.

"He was sick back at Sulu's house, and now he'd working himself into the ground. Khan's blood… it hasn't stopped working has it?" she asked, eyes glancing at the ground for a moment before locking back to the Doctors.

"No. It's nothin' like that. Darlin' he's fine, you don't need to be worried," he tried to assure her.

"Don't you try to Southern charm me," she said, narrowing her eyes. "It isn't just me that's worried, it's everyone. I hear rumours everywhere; people are drawing their own conclusions. The crew are worried, Len," she said and the Doctor sighed.

"I can't tell you what's wrong with him," he shook his head.

Uhura was silent for a few moments. She knew Leonard was bound by law and that he couldn't reveal details of Jim's condition, but she wanted to know what was wrong with him, she wanted to stop herself from worrying every time she saw how pale and sickly Jim looked, or how small he was starting to look when he sunk down into his chair.

"I know that," she nodded eventually, pressing the button to restart the lift. She knew whatever was going on with Jim was serious, her intuition told her that. He'd been acting out of character. It was almost as if he'd… grown up. Only something very serious could have done that to him.

"He isn't dying," said Bones shortly and Uhura nodded.

"That's good," she said quietly.

As much as Jim annoyed her, as much as he was arrogant and reckless at times, and at other times she wanted to just wrap her hands around his neck and _murder_ him for taking such insane risks, she had become quite fond of the Captain.

A voice rang out over the shipwide communication system that neither of them were expecting.

"Spock to Enterprise."

"I thought he was staying another week?" Bones asked.

"He must miss Jim," said Uhura with a small smile.

The lift stopped as it reached the medical deck and Bones muttered something that sounded like 'sappy-ass green blooded hobgoblin' as he stepped out.

Uhura smiled and rode the turbolift back up to the bridge.

"Commander Spock will be beaming aboard shortly," Sulu told her with a smile as she re-took her seat at the communications station.

"Good, I think Jim could use some TLC right now," she nodded.

Chekov sidled over to her a few minutes later.

"Did ze doctor tell you vhat is wrong wid ze Keptin?" he asked quietly.

She shook her head.

"No. But it's nothing to do with Khan's blood, he isn't dying. He just wouldn't tell me what's actually going on."

"He cannot. Zere are laws about his priwacy," the Ensign muttered and Uhura nodded.

"Zank you for asking, I was getting wery worried," he gave a small smile before walking back over to his station.

_Sweet kid_ Uhura thought to herself as she got back to her work.

Spock blinked.

"Doctor McCoy. Is there a reason you are here to await my arrival? I do not require any medical assistance," he said as he stepped off the transporter pad.

"I can _see_ that, thanks," the doctor grumbled.

He knew what he was about to do was bordering on illegal. He knew it was bordering on unethical, but _damn_ it Jim would never tell him himself, and he needed another pair of eyes keeping an eye on the stubborn idiot.

"Could you come with me to my office? I… uh... there's something we need to talk about," he said. Spock stared at him, expressionless.

"I would prefer to discuss whatever the matter is later, I much desire to find the Captain," he said and Bones rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm sure you would. It's about Jim, and no, it can't wait until later, so could you just come with me?" he asked.

Spock stared at him for a few seconds and then nodded, following him from the room and through the maze of corridors to the medical bay and then into McCoy's office.

He closed the door and motioned for Spock to take a seat, which he did, watching the Doctor the whole time. The human began to pace behind his desk, occasionally running a hand through his hair or sighing.

"As much as I am greatly enjoying watching you pace your office, Doctor, what was it that you need to discuss?" the Vulcan asked. Bones sighed and sat down in his chair and placed his elbows on the desk, letting his head fall into his hands.

"I can't tell you. Go and see Jim," Bones sighed.

"Doctor? Is there a problem?"

"No problem, everything is just peachy. I'm sorry I dragged you down here Spock, go and see Jim, he'll tell you everything," Bones said, lifting his gaze from his desk to meet Spock's eyes.

Spock stared at him for a few seconds before nodding and leaving the room.

_Damn it kid, now you'd better tell him_ Bones thought to himself; allowing his head to fall and his forehead to rest against the cool surface of his desk.

Spock used his override code to gain access to Jim's quarters and as soon as he entered he could sense that something was different. Something _smelled_ different, eliciting a primal urge within him, drawing him to the man curled up in the bed and telling him to never leave him again.

Jim was asleep, an empty bowl and plate balanced on the nightstand.

Spock silently crossed the room to him, sitting on the bed beside him. He pushed Jim's messy hair off his forehead and watched as the human stirred slightly.

He mumbled something and rolled over, stopping abruptly as he rolled into Spock. He peeked one eye open and his face cracked into a grin.

"Thought you weren't coming home for another week," he smiled.

"I… found myself unable to remain parted from you any longer. My father's behaviour was also becoming increasingly challenging to tolerate," Spock admitted.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Jim said sleepily.

"You need not apologise for something that is not your fault," Spock said gently, lowering himself to lay down next to his Captain.

Jim wrapped his arms around him and nuzzled his face into his neck.

"Mmm I missed you," he mumbled. Spock could tell he was still half asleep and gently wrapped his arms around him in return.

A wave of jumbled thoughts from Jim unintentionally passed into his mind through their skin to skin contact, including a tiny additional voice that was definitely _not_ a part of Jim's consciousness.

_Father! You are here!_

Spock froze; his body tensing. Jim noticed and sighed, moving away from Spock slightly and looking up at his face.

"Jim. What… what is that?" he asked.

"Promise me you won't freak out?" Jim asked.

"I will try my utmost," Spock promised. Jim took a deep breath.

"I'm pregnant, Spock," he said quietly. Spock stared at him, his face giving nothing away.

In that moment Jim would have given anything to be inside Spock's mind. He held his breath as he waited for the very real possibility that his world could come crashing down on him if Spock rejected him.

"Say something?" Jim smiled nervously and Spock opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again. He couldn't find words. Any words.

"Jim… have you been drinking?" he asked at long last, his tone was flat and revealed nothing.

"No," he laughed.

"Are you under the influence of any kind of drug or-"

"No. Spock it's real. Khan's blood made me… I don't know, grow some extra parts, which because we didn't know about it we took no precautions and now we're going to have a baby," said Jim. He did his best to hide the way his voice was beginning to shake. He wanted to Spock to react. To just give him something, any kind of reaction.

"Oh Jim," he whispered, wrapping his arms around him tightly.

"Are you ok?" Jim asked cautiously. He couldn't tell if Spock was happy, sad or angry.

"I am… better than that. I am elated! Delighted, thrilled, joyful, pleased-"

Jim cut off Spock's reciting of the Thesaurus by kissing him hard, fingers tangling in his silky black hair. They kissed until Jim had to gasp for air.

"Is the child healthy?" Spock asked.

"It's doing great, no thanks to me," Jim sighed.

"You have not been eating properly, I can see it," Spock nodded.

"I'm trying, I've just been getting so sick. The kid won't tolerate anything I eat, I managed to eat some tomato soup and toast earlier though, so I'm hoping I'm coming to the end of the sickness phase," Jim said hopefully. His blue eyes shone like the pristine sky above his house in Iowa. Happy. Blissful.

"I will help you find food you are both able to tolerate," Spock said quickly.

"How… far advanced is the pregnancy?"

"It'll be fourteen weeks tomorrow," Jim told him, quickly counting in his head.

Spock's hands trailed over his body to settle on his stomach.

"You do not show at all," he said, smiling slightly as he leaned down to place a gentle kiss just above Jim's belly button.

"I do a tiny bit when I stand up, I noticed it yesterday," he said, smiling as Spock kept his hand protectively on his stomach.

"Are you aware of the gender of the child?"

"No… Bones said it's too soon. I don't think I want to find out though. I'd kind of like that surprise, you know?" Jim said, trying to stifle a yawn.

"If you do not wish to find out, we will not find out," Spock nodded.

"I suppose I should comm. my mother and tell her," Jim sighed.

"You are tired _ashaya_, you need your rest. There is plenty of time to tell her. At what point do you think we should tell the crew?" Spock asked and Jim paused. He hadn't really thought about telling the crew. He knew it would have to be done, but he'd never really thought about it.

"We'll tell them when I'm so fat I can't expect them to ignore it anymore," Jim grinned and Spock gave him a slight squeeze.

"You will not be _fat_, you are pregnant. There is a distinct difference," he pointed out and Jim giggled, nuzzling his face into the Vulcan's neck and kissing him over and over.

_I missed you so much._

_I missed you too, my T'hy'la, my Jim._

Jim trailed his kisses up to Spock's ear, nibbling his way up to the point until he heard Spock's breath hitch in his throat.

Brown eyes met blue eyes; then their lips collided forcefully, Jim rolling on top of Spock and kissing him desperately. Spock fumbled with the buttons of Jim's pyjama shirt until eventually giving up and tearing it open, sending the tiny plastic buttons scattering across the room. Jim giggled into Spock's mouth and allowed the Vulcan to roll him onto his back, all too aware of how gentle he was being.

"I'm not made of glass," Jim pointed out as Spock traced tiny, feather light kisses down his chest.

"I must be gentle with you T'hy'la, your body is undergoing an incredible process, made even more incredible by how fascinatingly unusual-"

"Hey! I'm not a science experiment!" Jim protested.

"I never implied that you were. I merely suggested that the fact you are male and undergoing pregnancy is particularly unusual. However, I feel we are highly privileged for this to happen to us," said Spock and Jim nodded.

"I agree. It's going to be amazing, Spock. Our baby is going to be the most beautiful thing in the whole universe," said Jim with a large grin on his face as Spock continued placing kisses on his abdomen.

"It will," he agreed, hands stroking Jim's sides, causing him to shiver slightly under the touch he had craved for three very long weeks.

Jim leaned across the bedside table and snatched up his communicator, flipping it open. Spock looked up at him, confused.

"Medical question," Jim explained.

"Kirk to Doctor McCoy."

"McCoy here. What do you need kid? Everything alright?" the Doctor replied almost instantly.

"Everything is fine, just perfect. I just needed to ask you a quick question?" Jim asked, trying to keep the smirk off his face.

"Sure, go ahead."

"Can I have sex? Like, am I allowed to do that? Like medically? Like I won't do any harm to anything?" Jim asked. Spock stared at him.

McCoy sighed down the comm.

"Yes Jim. You can have all the sex you want, just for the love of god be gentle with each other! You hear me Spock, be gentle with him! Treat him like the Princess he is, and god _damn_ don't tell me about it!"

Jim giggled.

"Thanks Bones. I gotta go now. Talk to you later."

"Yeah yeah, go get laid," the Doctor grumbled before cutting off the call.

Jim grinned down at Spock who was still staring at his stomach with a look of complete awe on his face.

"So…" Jim said suggestively. Spock looked up at him, a tiny smirk on his lips.

Spock crawled over him, his hands on the bed above Jim's shoulders and his knees on either side of his hips.

"Permission to come aboard, Captain?" he asked and Jim couldn't stop himself from giggling.

"Granted Commander."


	19. Chapter 18 - The Theft

**Chapter Eighteen - The Theft**

**~A/N~ Just FYI, this chapter takes place eight weeks after the last chapter, but the beginning part in italics is a flashback to Jim's childhood.**

_"Dewch draw Jim, nid yw llawer pellach! (Come along Jim, not much further!)" the old man laughed as he continued striding ahead._

_"Taid, fy nhogesau wedi blino! (Grandfather, my legs are tired!)" the child behind him whined._

_"I addo ei fod yn werth y daith, (I promise it is worth the journey)" the man said wistfully._

_The two continued to walk. Jim's boots rubbed his feet and his fingers hurt from when he had used them earlier to scramble up rocks. The climb had been long. The towering mountains of Wales were much different to the endless fields of Iowa._

_"Wow," he grinned as he reached the ridge, the view spreading out in front of him. The valley below meeting the seemingly endless night sky, all of the stars rushing to greet him._

_"Yn eistedd wrth fy ymyl, Jim, (sit down beside me, Jim)," said the man, sitting down and patting the ground beside him._

_Jim scrambled over and sat down next to his grandfather, wide eyes staring up at the twinkling lights above._

_"Eich tad yw'r seren mwyaf disglair o awyr y nos, (Your father is the brightest star of the night sky),"he said and Jim nodded quietly, looking at the star his grandfather was pointing out. It was by far the brightest in the sky, and burned almost blue in colour._

_"Do we all become stars on day? When we die?" Jim asked his grandfather. _

_"Welsh Jim. Use your Welsh," he prompted. In the three months Jim had been staying with Tiberius the older man had taught his grandson the language of his home. He felt great pride when he heard the young boy speak it with such confidence._

_"Ydym i gyd yn dod yn sêr pan fyddwn yn marw?" Jim translated and Tiberius smiled._

_"Dim ond y rhai sy'n disgleirio yn ddigon disglair mewn bywyd, (Only those who shine bright enough in life)," Tiberius nodded solemnly. The pain of losing his only son was still raw in his heart. He was sure it always would be._

_He looked up at the sky and the stars and then closed his eyes, allowing the cool night breeze to wash over him. He began to sing and young Jim watched him, mesmerised at every word._

Jim paced the observation deck. His heart hurt.

He'd received a long range transmission from Earth to inform him that Tiberius had passed away. The last link to his father. Gone. Forever.

Jim stared out at the endless expanse of space before him and began to quietly sing those familiar words from his childhood.

"Holl amrantau'r sêren ddywedant

Ar hyd y nos

"Dyma'r ffordd i fro gogoniant,"

Ar hyd y nos.

Golau arall yw tywyllwch

I arddangos gwir brydferthwch

Teulu'r nefoedd mewn tawelwch

Ar hyd y nos."

He finished the first half of the song and stopped, sensing someone was in the room.

"I apologise. I did not mean to interrupt," said Spock quietly.

"No, you didn't, I was just about to come back anyway," Jim said with a sad smile.

"The language is beautiful," Spock told him as he stood beside him. Jim was interested by his choice of words. He hadn't said 'fascinating' or 'intriguing', he'd actually used the word 'beautiful' to describe something.

"It is, isn't it? I'm amazed I remember so much of it. I was only about five when he taught me. He used to sing me that song. It helped me find closure about my dad in a weird way. You want me to translate it?" Jim offered and Spock paused for a moment before nodding.

_"_All the stars' twinkles say

All through the night

"This is the way to the realm of glory,"

All through the night.

Darkness is another light

That exposes true beauty

The Heavenly family in peace

All through the night_."_

"It is… apt," Spock nodded.

"It kind of makes me wonder if he's a star in the sky now too," Jim sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Come here _ashayam_," said Spock, wrapping his arms protectively around his Captain. Jim sighed and buried his face into Spock's neck.

"Keptin, ve vill be arriving at ze planet in approximately ten minutes sir," came Chekov's voice through the communications system.

"You'd better let me go Commander, I've got a planet to survey!" said Jim, his tone immediately brightening.

"You will be careful?" Spock asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course. Can't let anything happen to little Spock Junior!" Jim smiled, patting his stomach. The bulge there was noticeable, but not as what it was. It looked almost as though Jim had just been eating far too much pasta on a regular basis. Without a shirt it was obvious, but his uniform did well to disguise it.

"I wish you would not call our child that," Spock sighed as he followed Jim out of the observation deck and into the turbolift.

"Why not? If it's a boy, that's what I'm naming him," Jim said stubbornly.

"Unlike in human culture, it is not common practice of Vulcan's to name a son after his father. Regardless of this, I would prefer our child have a human name as his or her first name."

"Really? Why?" Jim asked.

"I believe their physical appearance will be more human than Vulcan, I just have… a feeling," Spock said and Jim smirked.

"A _feeling_? Did Bones tell you something?" Jim asked and Spock shook his head.

"I cannot explain it."

"You better not be cheating and have found out anything. I know it talks to you while I'm sleeping," Jim sighed. The child's brain was very active, and would converse with Spock's mind through him touching Jim, mainly while Jim was sleeping so his own thoughts did not interfere. Jim on the other hand barely managed to get a word out of the little creature.

"We should probably tell the crew now. I mean. I am kind of starting to look like a beached whale, and Scotty keeps making jokes about me eating all the pies," Jim smiled and Spock brushed the tips of his fingers against Jim's.

"Plus I need to tell them this will be my last away mission until after the baby is safely here. I don't want to take any risks," Jim said firmly and Spock felt a surge of relief.

"I am pleased you are behaving more sensibly, however your analogy of your physical appearance is… alarming. Your body has not changed excessively T'hy'la and-"

Jim snorted and rolled his eyes.

"Spock, you've seen me naked. I'm getting bigger and I can't deny it. I'm like twice the size I was when we first got together and not exactly over the moon about it," Jim sighed.

"Jim, I love you. Pregnant or not, or even fat or not. It makes no difference to me," Spock said, placing a kiss on Jim's cheek.

Jim tried to protest but the lift stopped and the doors opened onto the bridge. The two men stepped out.

Jim commed down to Scotty and Bones to come up to the bridge and he then gathered everyone around, pacing in front of the front view screen.

"Alright everybody, before we go down to this planet there's something important I have to tell you all," he said. Bones gave him a look that said '_finally!_'

"You may have noticed I'm slowly turning into a gigantic fat mess, and I've been known to occasionally fall asleep in my chair over the last few weeks, or start crying when watching kids movies with Joanna, but in my defence, anyone who can watch 'Up' and _not_ get choked up has a heart of stone... anyway, I'm rambling," he sighed, breaking off.

"You want some help there kid?" Bones offered and Jim nodded, grateful for the help to explain the unusual situation.

"Alright then. Spock knocked Jim up," Bones said bluntly.

"Thank you for putting it so delicately, Doctor," said Spock sarcastically. A strange quiet consumed the bridge. Bones was smirking as he looked at the shocked and confused faces of the crew. Jim and Spock were looking nervously at each other.

"That's a wee baby in there?! I though ye' were jus' eatin' all the cakes man!" said Scotty, shattering the silence with his loud voice.

"Nope, it's a baby, I promise you," said Jim, running a hand through his hair. He was blushing a marvellous shade of pink.

Chekov's face broke into a grin first.

"Congratulations!" he burst out, rushing down to Jim and shaking his hand. Jim smiled nervously as Chekov started to babble very quickly and excitedly.

"And to you Commander! You must both be wery happy!" he said, approaching Spock but then looking like he didn't quite know what to do. He settled on just grinning and nodding. Spock thanked him awkwardly.

The others quickly followed suit, offering stammered congratulations and words of advice. They offered an explanation as to _how_ it could have happened and nobody asked any questions which they were both thankful for.

"Does it like… wiggle?" Scotty asked.

"Sometimes, but then sometimes I think I'm imagining it, they should start kicking properly any day now," Jim smiled.

"What's it feel like?" he asked.

"Weird, but pretty great," Jim laughed and Scotty grinned before his face fell and he pointed at Jim.

"You… You… you were helpin' me lift stuff! In Engineerin'! You should nae have been doin' tha' in yer condition!"

"Ah it's fine, anyway, I was only pretending to help, I was letting you take most of the weight," Jim patted Scotty on the back and walked over to Uhura who he noticed was staring at him.

"Pregnant, huh?" she asked quietly.

"I guess so."

"When are you… due?" she asked awkwardly. "Sorry, it's kind of weird, I mean, y'know, you're a guy," she smiled and Jim nodded.

"Tell me about it. We haven't decided yet on the due date. Bones wants me to get to thirty three weeks if I can, but he doesn't know how it's going to affect my body as it gets bigger, so he's going to keep a close eye on us," he said, absentmindedly pulling his shirts down so they were tight over his stomach.

"Can I… touch it?" she asked hesitantly, smiling at the small bump that once it had been pointed out was now all too obvious.

"You can try, Spock might growl at you," Jim warned and Uhura raised an eyebrow.

"He gets a _little_ defensive when Bones checks me over, so I'm not sure how he'd cope with anyone touching me," Jim smiled.

"I'll run the risk," she shrugged, gently placing the flat palm of her hand against Jim's stomach.

"Wow it really is in there," she grinned as he felt the curve of his belly.

"I'm going to be enormous," Jim sighed. "Baby's got like twelve plus more weeks to grow," he said, looking over at Spock who was talking to Sulu.

Before Jim could do anything to stop them, Scotty and Chekov were also petting his stomach and Spock strode over looking every inch the over-protective Vulcan.

All three hands were swiftly withdrawn. Spock cleared his throat slightly.

"Captain, I believe our scans of the planet are complete. As indicated by long range sensors, the planet is similar to Earth in its atmospheric makeup, however bio-readings indicate it is devoid of any life forms other than plants and very primitive animal species," he said. Jim practically felt the sigh of relief coming from Scotty, Chekov and Uhura.

"Thank you Spock, we'll take the shuttle down. This is going to be my last away mission until after the baby!" Jim added quickly as he saw Uhura open her mouth to object to Jim going down to the planet.

"Yes, it will," said Spock firmly, watching as members of the crew started to head off in the direction of the shuttle bay. Jim noticed Carol talking to Bones near the turbolift door and could have _sworn_ she was blushing. He decided that after the survey of the planet he was going to make _sure_ they got it over with and slept with eachother. They both were clearly waiting for the other person to make the first move.

"I will beam down to your location in one hour, I have something I must attend to first," said Spock. Jim screwed up his face.

"Do not make that face Jim. As Doctor McCoy tells Joanna, 'one day the wind will change and your face will be stuck that way forever'," he quoted and Jim broke into a grin.

"I love you when you quote Bones, it's hilarious," Jim said, leaning in and pecking Spock on the cheek. Spock flinched away. It was entirely unprofessional for such a display of affection to take place whilst on duty.

"Sorry," Jim mumbled.

"Allow me to walk you to the shuttle-bay?" Spock offered and Jim nodded.

"I love you," Jim smiled as the turbolift doors closed behind them.

"And I you, Jim."

"And Spock Junior," Jim smirked.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Your silliness never ceases to amaze me," Spock sighed.

"And your Vulcan-ness never ceases to amaze me," Jim countered, stepping closer to Spock and pressing their foreheads together.

"I really do love you though," he said softly, gently pressing his lips against the Vulcan's.

"Can we do something special later?" he asked as they broke apart. Spock could see something stirring in those blue eyes, something he wasn't quite sure he understood.

"Of course, I may actually have something in mind," he said and Jim smiled.

"Good. Meet me in the observation deck at 2200 hours?"

"Most certainly. I will see you then if not on the planet, T'hy'la," Spock agreed as he and Jim approached the shuttle Jim would be boarding down to the surface.

"Yes you will, T'hy'la," he smiled, brushing his fingertips against Spock's.

With one last smile, Jim boarded the shuttle and disappeared from Spock's sight.

The shuttle landed and Jim was the first out, bounding down into the plants that resembled the long grass of Earth. He took a deep breath and grinned.

"It's just like being home!" he called into the shuttle as everyone else was collecting equipment. The landing party consisted of Jim, Bones, Carol, two science Ensigns and two security officers.

"Glad to hear it, you going to go and find some corn?" Bones asked and Jim laughed sarcastically.

"Oh ha _ha_. Why don't you go and find a bar then? Huh?"

"Children. Can you squabble later? We have a lot to carry," Carol pointed out in her crisp British accent, she was struggling with a large box and Bones almost tripped over his own feet in his rush to take it from her.

"Show off," Jim mumbled.

He wandered around the shuttle aimlessly whilst the other crew members unloaded the equipment they would need to complete their survey. He knew if he even so much as attempted to help Bones would only yell at him.

Jim wandered further. The shuttle was still in sight, but he could see the landscape changing off in one direction, and he was curious.

The lush, green grassland was scarred deeply by a volcanic flow. It had carved a wide path through the environment, incinerating everything it touched and leaving nothing but darkness. Jim's eyes traced along the black rock and upwards to the volcano it had come from. It was large and formidable looking, but did not look as though it was any immediate threat, it could even have been extinct for many years.

Something caught Jim's eye amongst the black rock. A tiny silver object glinting in the sun. He walked carefully towards it, almost mesmerised by it. What was it? How did it get there?

"Jim? Don't go too far by yourself!" Bones called from near the shuttle.

"I'm fine!" he called back, continuing to clamber across the rough black rock to the tiny, glistening object.

He reached it and knelt down to pick it up.

_No._

Cold dread flooded every inch of his body.

_No. No way._

He turned the small object over and over in his fingers as he glanced around frantically.

It was a Starfleet emblem torn from a uniform shirt, and it had been deliberately leaned against the rock to reflect in a way that would be obvious to the shuttle landing site.

The only way it could have got there is if someone put it there.

_No._

_It can't have been. It couldn't be._

"Mr. Kirk, it _has_ been a while."

The cold voice behind him chilled him to his very core.

He stood up and turned around slowly, barely aware of the brutal blow to his forehead, sending him crumpling to the ground instantly.

Discreetly, Spock had been researching human customs and traditions that related to marriage. He had learned that it was considered polite for the groom to ask the father of the bride's permission for her hand in marriage before the actual proposal.

He didn't consider Jim his bride. He knew Jim did not have a father for him to ask. He only knew that he wanted to ask Jim to bond with him. He'd never felt so certain about anything in all of his life.

"Mrs Kirk," he greeted as the familiar face appeared on the screen in his quarters.

"Spock! And you call me Winona," she said in the same friendly tone she had always used when speaking to him.

"Very well, Winona. I trust you are well?" he asked and she nodded.

"I am. I hope you and Jimmy are too? And the baby?" she asked, smiling. She had been overjoyed when Jim had told her the news, so overjoyed that she had screamed at a volume that had been considerably painful to Spock's sensitive ears.

"We are all well," Spock told her and she smiled.

"I have… a question of great importance for you," he said and she raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? What is it?" she asked curiously. Spock took a deeper than usual breath.

"I wish for myself and Jim to be bonded. In accordance with human customs I felt it… polite to ask for your permission prior to me asking him," he said and Winona grinned.

"Isn't that marriage to a Vulcan?"

"It is," Spock confirmed.

"So you're asking me for my baby's hand in marriage? Oh aren't you a sweetheart! Of course dear!" she beamed. Spock found himself offering a small smile in return.

"Thank you, Winona, I am most –"

Spock was cut off by the red alert klaxon sounding.

"I must leave, please accept my gratitude for your blessing, I am sure Jim will be in contact with you soon," said Spock, offering her a quick Vulcan salute which she attempted to return before terminating the transmission and rushing to the bridge.

"Not sure what – someone or something – blind-sided us – Jacobs is injured – need backup dammit!" Doctor McCoy's panicked voice rang out into the bridge. The transmission was patchy, something was affecting the signal.

"Doctor McCoy. Can you hear me?" Spock asked.

"Just about. Send a team Spock. Something weird is going on down here," said the Doctor.

"Is the Captain with you?"

There was a long pause.

"The Captain is missing," came Carol's voice. She sounded just as panicked as McCoy.

"I am on my way," said Spock, sprinting for the transporter room.

"Mr Chekov you have the con," he ordered as he left the bridge.

"Aye sir," nodded the young Russian.

He quickly ordered a scan of the planet it locate Kirk. When they were unable to locate his bio-sign anywhere on the planet.

Chekov came to two conclusions, both equally dire.

The first, Jim was dead. He tried to assure himself this was unlikely.

The second, he had been beamed somewhere; however their scanners hadn't picked up any signals that would suggest that.

"дерьмо!" Chekov exclaimed, punching the console in front of him so hard that he broke the skin of one of his knuckles.

Uhura was attempting to reach Jim's communicator with no luck, a look of sheer panic on her face; and Sulu was staring helplessly at his console, no doubt feeling just as useless as Chekov did in that moment.

"Дерьмо, дерьмо, дерьмо," Chekov repeated to himself, letting his head fall into his hands.

Jim groaned, both hands rushing to his head as he regained consciousness.

He opened his eyes and blinked in the harsh white light, taking a few seconds to register.

He was laying on his side in a room so white it hurt all of his senses. So clean that it was just… _wrong._ The bed was too hard. Almost like the bio-beds back in the sickbay of…

_Enterprise_.

Shit.

"Stay still Mr. Kirk, you have a nasty concussion," the cold voice penetrated the room. The only other sound was a familiar hum, engines at warp.

"Khan," Jim hissed, rubbing his head.

"James. How the devil are you?" Khan asked, taking two steps towards the Captain.

"You need to return me to my ship, to my crew and-" Khan snatched him up by the neck, pinning him to the wall, his feet dangling uselessly. Jim struggled for breath.

"I will do with you _what I_ _please,"_ Khan spat, throwing Jim across the room as if he were a toy. Jim curled into a ball and did his best to protect his abdomen.

"And your _child_ Mr. Kirk, or should I say _my_ child? They will be the first member of my new crew, since your Starfleet have hidden mine somewhere not even I can find them. And a _Vulcan_ hybrid too? I'm sure they will make a formidable warrior, with my physical strength and his telepathic abilities," said Khan, his lips twisting into a small smirk.

"Tell me James, is Spock a good lover? Is he a _gentle_ lover?" he asked, kneeling beside Jim and caressing his face with his fingertips. Jim grabbed his hand and roughly pushed it away.

"Fuck you," he spat and Khan laughed, standing up and kicking Jim in the throat harshly, then walking a few steps away towards the door.

Jim glared up at him from the floor of the room, doing everything in his power to hide the way his body was _screaming_ at him to gasp for more air. Inside Jim's mind was panic. Pure and uncensored panic.

_Spockpleasesaveusohmygodwe'rebothgoingtodieandit's allmyfaulti'msorryi'msosorry_

"Not your child," he gasped, trying to get his breath back from where Khan had winded him.

"My blood is in your body, my _life_ in _your_ veins Kirk! You _are_ _me_; you belong to me and me alone. You would not be alive if it were not for me. I have been tracking the progress of your ship. I followed you to this planet so that I could take what belongs to me, a crew to pilot this ship and complete my mission!"

Jim glared, one hand clutching his injured head, the other protectively clasped over his stomach.

"I hate to break it to you, but I already belong to someone else," Jim growled, forcing himself to his feet. "You're going to have to kill me, because I will _never_ obey you," he said defiantly.

Khan smirked.

"Oh James how you _tease_," he said in that same low, velvety tone. He stepped towards Jim, standing so close that their faces were mere inches apart. If Jim hadn't already accepted that throwing the first punch would probably only get him killed quicker, he would have done so already.

Khan leaned into his ear.

"We're going to become such good _friends,"_ he whispered, his tongue then tracing the shell of Jim's ear and making his skin crawl. He reacted instantly, pushing Khan with all his strength. He barely moved an inch and laughed in Jim's face.

"You've still got a little fight left in you, I like that," he soothed, caressing Jim's face again, his other hand holding Jim's hands down, gripping his wrists together so tightly Jim felt they might break.

"I'll kill you with my bare hands," Jim snarled and Khan roared with laughter.

"I look forward to it."

**~a/n~**

**Please don't throw things at me!  
This chapter is a little short, but it does what it needs to do... any longer and I would just be padding it for the sake of it.**

**Some fun facts about this chapter:**

**1. The language Jim and his grandfather are speaking in the flashback is Welsh.**

**2. I KNOW TIBERIUS IS NOT WELSH REALLY, but, I thought it'd be a nice back story since he's never really discussed in the Abrams universe, and it links to something later on in my story plan ;)**

**3. The song that Jim sings to himself is a very old traditional Welsh folk song, it's called 'Ar Hyd y Nos' (All Through The Night) and it can be dated back to 1784. Pretty crazy right?**  
**4. How do I know all this? I am in fact, Welsh. And very proud too. Yes, I know my language is weird and kind of ugly to read, but I promise when it's spoken it is lovely! The language also contains the single longest place name in the world, you ready? Here it goes… ****_Llanfairpwllgwyngellgogerchweerndrobollantrysillio gogogoch_****. I shit you not. That is a town. A relative of mine actually ****_lives_**** there, sending them mail is a real bitch!**

**5. Chekov is saying 'shit, shit, shit' when Kirk is taken.**

**I'm sorry that I stole Jim. I'll give myself a slap on the wrist. I needed the angst. I also needed the story to go where it needed to go... and now it's there. ANGST AHOY. SO. MUCH. ANGST.**

**Please, feel free to review and leave me terrible messages for stealing Jim and baby. P.S. is my Khan a little too... sinister? OH. and bonus points to anyone who can identify a line from a movie (NOT STAR TREK) in this chapter! If you're the first to get it right I'll dedicate a chapter to you :D**

**OK, now I'll shut up.**


	20. Chapter 19 - Where do Babies Come From?

**Chapter Twenty - Where do Babies Come From?**

It took Chekov under an hour to figure out that Khan had implemented some kind of jamming device that was stopping their scanners working reliably. It took him less than another hour to find it, hidden just inside the summit of the volcano near to the shuttle landing site.

He and Scotty had been able to disable it after a few hours tinkering around, and then Bones shot it to hell with a phaser 'just to be sure'.

Spock searched the area surrounding the shuttle landing site in vain. There was no trace of the Captain.

Upon his return to the Enterprise, Chekov began scanning and when he found something he instantly grabbed his communicator.

"Commander Spock! I have located a varp signature heading away from ze planet sir," he said breathlessly. Jim. It had to be. Someone took him on a ship.

"Mr. Scott, beam myself and any remaining personnel back to the Enterprise. We are going after them," Spock ordered.

"Damn right we are," mumbled Scotty as he beamed everyone back aboard.

Spock stormed from the transporter room up to the bridge, double checking Chekov's calculations of the warp signature. There was no mistake, the ship had left moments after the Captain had been reported missing.

"Set a course in pursuit, maximum warp," he ordered.

He stood near to the Captain's chair but not looking at it, and never sitting in it. His hands clasped behind his back which he held so straight it looked positively painful.

"Commander? The other ship is hailing us," said Uhura.

"On screen," Spock ordered.

He visibly flinched as Jim's face came into view, bloody and bruised.

There was a collective gasp across the bridge as they saw Jim's face.

"Don't attempt to rescue me. He'll kill you all," Jim said through gritted teeth. Spock's heart was pounding, Jim was clearly in pain.

"Who?" demanded McCoy before Spock could get the word out.

"Me," rang out a cold voice from the communications system.

"Khan," Spock growled, his body tensing.

"Hello, Mr Spock. Your space husband and I are going to have lots of fun together, aren't we James?" Khan mused, stepping into view of the transmission and stroking Jim's face. Jim stayed defiantly still, refusing to react. The panic in his eyes however, was plain to see.

"I will kill you without hesitation and enjoy it," Spock said in the same low, threatening tone.

"That's funny. James here said something very similar, didn't you my sweet?" he asked of Jim who didn't move. Khan grabbed his chin and forced him to nod his head.

"Now. The terms of our agreement. For every attempt to pursue my ship that you make, I will cut off a piece of James' body and return it to you. Fingers and toes to begin with, nothing he can't do without, but if you continue, we may move onto considerably… _larger_ extremities. If you still do not desist, I will then begin destroying sections of your ship until you are trapped, drifting helplessly in the darkness with only your life support functioning so you can all slowly starve to death."

Everyone stared at the two men on the screen and nobody spoke.

Spock looked positively murderous, McCoy possibly even more murderous.

"Good. Say goodbye, Mr Kirk," he said, grabbing Jim's hair roughly and forcing his head to look straight into the camera.

"I'll see you all soon," Jim said, a defiant smirk on his face. Khan pulled his hair harder and Jim gritted his teeth.

"My mistake, I'll see you all really soon," he corrected, winking at Spock. Khan shoved him out of view of the camera.

"If you'll excuse me, it appears James requires a lesson in obedience," Khan smirked at the camera before cutting the transmission.

His ship accelerated and was soon out of communications and scanning range. Even at maximum warp the Enterprise just couldn't keep up.

Spock's face was pale, his hands shaking slightly and clenched into tight fists at his sides. Without saying a word to anyone he left the bridge.

Nobody said anything for a long few minutes.

"We… we're going to go and get him back, right?" asked Sulu.

"Damn right we are," Bones growled.

"We need a plan," nodded Carol.

"Zer must be a way," Chekov agreed.

"Spock is devastated," said Uhura quietly, shaking her head.

"Well if someone kidnapped your pregnant other half, beat them to a pulp and then threatened to mutilate and then kill them, wouldn't you be pretty upset too?!" Bones snapped.

"I'm sorry. I'm worried for him and the baby," he apologised quickly in a much softer tone.

"Jesus, he looked a mess, I mean I know Jim can take a beat-down but… I mean, not when he's… got the baby to protect," Bones shook his head, covering half his face with one hand. He looked like he could cry.

"I'll be in my quarters," he grunted, getting in the turbolift.

The bridge crew fell silent again, only the sporadic bleeping of the instruments echoing through the air.

They all knew they were in deep trouble.

Jim was expecting the mother of all beatings and was stunned when Khan left him alone after contacting Enterprise.

He carefully felt his face and he was pretty sure nothing was broken.

_Are you all good in there?_ he thought loudly, trying to get something through to the stubborn child who refused to speak to him.

There was long pause.

_I am_.

_Good. I'm sorry we're in this mess. I'm going to do my best to get us out of it,_ he promised.

_The statistical likelihood that-_

_Oh god you sound exactly like him_! Jim mentally laughed. Even in the dire seriousness of the situation he couldn't help but laugh at the fact the baby was already calculating the statistical likelihood of his plans failing. It was just so… Spock.

There was another long mental silence, Jim sitting back down on the bed of the room he was being kept in and then laying back, both hands rubbing small circles on either side of his belly.

_Is father going to rescue us?_

Jim smiled.

_If I know him as well as I think I do, he's already planning it. Don't worry little one, he won't let us down, he won't let us come to any harm._

_You have already been harmed,_ the baby pointed out.

_Khan was just proving a point. He wants you alive, and he needs me alive to keep you alive, so there's no way he'd severely injure me. I will look after you, ashayam, have no fear._

Jim flinched as the baby kicked him, hard. He'd been waiting to feel it for such a long time, looking forward to it since he found out he was carrying the child, but now it was actually happening he didn't want it to. He wanted Spock there with him to feel it.

"Ow!" he grumbled, rubbing his belly.

He could hear a tiny voice chuckling inside his head.

_Don't turn that into a regular thing_ he warned.

He sighed as the baby started to kick repeatedly.

"You're going to be grounded your entire life unless you behave," Jim mumbled, running his hands through his hair.

He looked up as the door to the room opened. Khan stalked in slowly, holding a tray in front of him. Soup. And water.

Jim's stomach growled as Khan approached him and set the tray down in front of him.

"Your child requires nourishment," he said coldly.

"And so do I, thanks for noticing," Jim nodded, eyeing up the tray.

"I am aware of your needs, they are simply not my priority," he shrugged, starting to slowly pace the room. Careful, calculated, one foot in front of the other with such precision it was almost like watching an intricate dance.

"I was once awaiting the arrival of my own child," Khan said, not looking at Jim but staring at the white walls as he continued to pace the cell.

"Bet you didn't win 'dad of the year'," Jim mumbled.

"I was severely injured in battle. My child did not survive and my reproductive system was damaged beyond repair… it was removed. I no longer have the ability to create a child in the way you can," he said, glancing at Jim before continuing.

"However, I can still _father_ a child," he said. Jim shuddered slightly at the small smirk twisting Khan's lips. He understood.

"You… you're going to keep me, as some kind of… baby machine?!" Jim demanded.

"I prefer to think of it as a factory," Khan smirked and Jim launched himself at the larger man, with no regard for the injuries he could cause himself or his baby.

"Tisk tisk, didn't your doctor friend advise you to refrain from physical activity?" Khan asked silkily as he easily caught Jim's fists in his hands, holding them so tightly Jim was afraid they might break.

Jim didn't struggle as Khan bound his wrists to the bed with a set of cold metal cuffs.

"Now I will have to feed you, Captain, as you have lost the right to the use of your hands," he sighed.

"I'd rather starve," Jim spat.

"You will do no such thing," Khan insisted, one hand holding Jim's chin securely, the other picking up the bowl of soup he had brought him.

"Open," Khan ordered. Jim glared at him defiantly.

"Fine," he nodded, stamping on Jim's foot hard enough for him to gasp in pain. Khan forced the bowl of soup to his lips, messily trying to make Jim gulp it down.

After a few more minutes of struggle, and what Jim was certain was a broken little toe, Jim ate the soup and downed the glass of water in one.

"Well done," Khan smiled, setting down the bowl. He picked up a napkin and carefully dabbed around Jim's mouth. Jim glared at him.

"We can't have you looking a mess, Captain. That just won't do…" he smiled, lowering one hand to rub Jim's thigh. Jim felt sick.

"Rest. When we arrive we will have a long walk ahead of us," Khan ordered, abruptly turning to leave the room.

"Where are you taking me?" Jim demanded.

"WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?!"

"Goodnight, Captain," Khan smiled as he shut off the lights in the room, plunging Jim into darkness.

_I am afraid_.

"Don't be scared, I'll never let him or anyone else hurt you, I promise," Jim whispered as he awkwardly positioned himself so he could lay down on the bed, with his wrists bound to the bed frame it was very difficult.

_Your dad is going to come and save us and everything will be alright_ Jim promised, focusing on only allowing positive thoughts to get anywhere near the baby.

But as he lay there in the pitch dark, deep down in his heart he wasn't sure if he even believed his own promise.

Spock stared out of the viewing window in his quarters. It didn't seem right to go back to the quarters he had been sharing with Jim, not without him there.

He stared long and hard into the distance.

_Khan._

Some foolish soul rang the buzzer to his door. He ignored it and continued staring out.

The buzzer rang again and he looked at the door.

"Spock I'll let myself in unless you open this damn door!"

Spock ignored the Doctor's angry request.

Seconds later the door swished open.

"God damn it man! Do something! Go and… shoot that mother fucker!" he exploded.

"Doctor McCoy it is highly unlikely that-"

"That WHAT?!" the Doctor roared. His face was turning red with pure anger and rage and _hatred_ like Spock had never seen before.

"That that would be a successful course of action. We should continue to pursue the ship, following their warp signature, and await an opportune moment to-"

"OPPORTUNE?! YOU WANT OPPORTUNE!? MY FOOT UP YOUR DAMN GREEN ASS IS OPPORTUNE! DO SOMETHING!"

"Doctor it appears you have lost all emotional control and I suggest-"

McCoy shoved Spock as hard as he could, sending him slamming into the wall. He pinned him there. His face mere inches from the Vulcan's, contorted with rage and… fear.

"That's your Jim he's got. _Your_ Jim damn it. And your kid. Do you really not care? Are you really that fucking emotionally retarded?!"

"Of course I care," Spock spat.

"WELL THEN ACT LIKE IT!" McCoy roared, shoving Spock hard against the wall again. Spock didn't retaliate.

"God damn it! He's going to fucking… god knows what! He's going to rape him, beat him and kill him! And you're just 'waiting for an opportune moment'… Jesus Spock. You make me sick sometimes. If it was the other way around I'd already be patchin' Jim up from some hair-brained attempt at rescuing you. You know, actually I wouldn't, because he never would have let you out of his sight! You don't care about him at all do you?!" McCoy lashed out, punching the wall as hard as he could with a cry of rage.

"Leonard. Be calm," Spock urged.

Bones' shoulders slumped, he stood, fists clenched and chest heaving, his head hanging and eyes closed.

"I care about Jim very deeply, I do not wish to endanger-"

"You _care_? You care. Prove it," Bones challenged, squaring up to Spock again.

Spock paused.

"I can," Spock nodded shortly, walking quickly across his room to his bed. He lifted up the corner of the thin mattress and removed what he was looking for and handed the small box to Leonard who stared at it for a few seconds before his mouth fell open. He slowly opened the box and then snapped it shut.

"You… you were going to ask him to…"

"Yes."

There was silence. Both men stared at each other.

"I'm gonna go and… cool off…" Bones trailed off, handing the box back to Spock.

With a mumbled apology the Doctor was gone and Spock was alone again, attempting to regain control over his own emotions.

He stared out of the window, hoping that the stars would provide him with some sort of answer.

He knew Leonard was right, they had to get Jim back as soon as possible.

The question was _how_.

"Daddy, I want Uncle Jim to come back now," pouted Joanna.

"I know sweetie, me too," he mumbled as he tucked her into bed.

"Will you read me some more story?" she asked and he sighed, stroking her hair off her forehead.

"'Course I will," he said, picking up the PADD from on top of the unit beside her bed.

Jim would normally come and read to Joanna while he was still on shift, when he'd come back to his quarters she'd already be sound asleep.

Joanna spent most of her day studying. The ship had been equipped with technology not unlike that used by Vulcan's in their learning spheres and Joanna spent hours there, getting her education. Leonard would have preferred her to be skipping to school with other children her age and not being taught by a computer, but he knew her being there with him was what was best for them both.

"Or I can read to you? Sometimes I read stories to the baby in Uncle Jim's belly. Daddy, why did he eat a baby?" she asked, eyes wide and full of wonder.

"He didn't sweet pea," he said, trying to brush away and move the conversation away from…

"Where do babies come from?" she asked and he flinched.

"Oh darlin', let's do this when you're older…."

"Does it come from here?" she asked, pulling up her father's shirts and poking him in the belly button.

"Yep. You press the magic button and the baby comes out," he agreed, deciding that for now, that was the easiest explanation.

"But how did it _get_ there?" she persisted.

"Uh… hmm… I don't know. You can ask Uncle Jim when he get's back. Now, story time!" he ordered and she giggled, wriggling back down under the covers.

Joanna managed to stay awake for an entire chapter of Harry Potter. Once she had fallen asleep, Leonard tucked her in and left the room, running his hands through his hair.

He was grateful for the quarters he'd been assigned on the ship. There was a reasonably sized living area between two bedrooms, and it meant he had his own space whilst keeping Joanna nearby and under his watch.

The door chime rang and he hurried to get it before it rang again and woke the sleeping child.

"Doctor, I'm sorry, I hope I'm not disturbing you?" it was Carol and she had her hands behind her back.

"Carol. No, not at all, come on in," he said, stepping aside so she could come into the room.

"Are you alright?" she asked as soon as the door had closed.

"I'm fine," he nodded and she narrowed her eyes, putting her hands on her hips.

"Leonard _Horatio_ McCoy. Don't lie to me," she said firmly. Bones flinched at the use of his full name.

"I'm worried," he confessed.

"We all are," she agreed.

"No I mean I'm really, really worried," he sighed, sinking down onto the couch.

Carol revealed the bottle of bourbon she'd been hiding behind her back and he raised an eyebrow.

"Medicine," she said simply, fetching two glasses and pouring them each a little of the brown liquid.

"I really went crazy at Spock," he mumbled, one hand half covering his face as he looked anywhere but at the woman sitting beside him. He downed his shot and poured another.

"I know. He told Uhura, she told me. We all talk," she nodded, draining her glass and then refilling it.

"Carol I… I'm scared for Jim and for their little girl. I don't want them coming to any harm, and that madman is going to... god knows what he's going to do," he shuddered, unable to imagine how scared and alone Jim must be feeling in that moment.

"Did you say girl?" Carol asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah," he nodded, taking another drink.

"They're having a girl?"

"Yeah. They don't want to know though, so I didn't tell them. Jim's been calling the baby 'Spock Junior' and it's been driving Spock crazy," Bones chuckled slightly.

"We'll get them back," Carol said firmly. "They'll get to be that happy little family," she said, one hand now resting on Leonard's leg.

"God I hope so," he sighed, setting down his glass.

"We will. We just need to wait and see what his next move is," she said, rubbing his thigh gently.

He tried to hide how nervous it made him and cleared his throat.

"Yeah… I uh, I guess we do," he rambled. He froze when he felt Carol's other hand on his neck. Finally he looked up at her face, her featured were soft and there was concern in her eyes.

"You and I both know that if there's anyone able to stand up to Khan and make it back, it's James T. Kirk. You have to stop feeling guilty about him being taken, it wasn't your fault," she said and he nodded slightly.

"You and Spock are going to come up with a plan, and go and be heroes and rescue him, I just know it," she smiled, her hand moving up to softly rest on his cheek.

No woman had touched him like this in so long, not with such care and concern.

"I'm a doctor, not a hero," he said with a small nervous smile.

"You're _both_," she said, closing the gap between their lips.

Her lips were soft and welcoming and he found himself getting lost in them, one hand tangling in her soft blonde hair.

The kiss broke and they looked at each other, neither of them really registering the door of Joanna's room sliding open.

"I- Carol I… I haven't… I don't know if-" he began and she cut him off, placing one finger on his lips.

"Don't speak, don't think, just… _do_," she said softly and he nodded, pressing his lips back to hers.

"EWWWWWW!" Joanna squealed loudly and they sprang apart.

"Daddy and Carol sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" Joanna sang, running around and around the couch.

Bones sighed and Carol laughed.

"Come here you rascal," he said, grabbing her as she passed again and pulling her down onto his lap.

"I couldn't sleep daddy," she mumbled, hugging his chest.

"Why's that sweetie?" he asked, stroking her hair. He was very aware of how Carol was watching his every move.

"Because I want Uncle Jim," she mumbled.

"He'll be back soon," he replied quickly.

"And his baby?"

"Baby too."

"Where did it _come from?"_ she pressed and Carol giggled.

"Right. Bed," he said, cutting off the conversation and lifting his young daughter up and carrying her back to her bed before she could continue asking where babies come from.

**~a/n~  
Hellooo! Well done to everyone who guessed, the line in the last chapter was indeed from the Dark Knight "You've got a little fight in you, I like that." I JUST LOVE THAT LINE. Sorry.**

**Anyway. Apologies for this chapter being a little jumpy... I need to explore everyone and what they're doing etc.. so until everyone is all in the same place again it's going to be a little like that i'm afraid. **

**Buuut, you got to find out Jim and Spock are having a little girl :3 Most people who reviewed said they wanted the baby to be a boy, but I don't know, for some reason in my mind the child was always a girl. Hope that's okay! Thank you again for all your kind reviews, they really make my day!  
It might be a little longer before the next update, I'm working a lot at the moment so writing time is very limited but bear with me and I'll get something posted for you as soon as I can.**

**Peace and long life :)**


	21. Chapter 20 - Unconditional

**~A/N~**

**Story is moving quickly now... big chapter this one. Next one is even bigger, it's going to take me a few days to write in between going to work and having a social life haha... so, sorry, I'll get it posted asap.**

**Thank you ****again to everyone who has reviewed/followed/Favorited this story. I know I've taken a big risk with the way the plot has gone... but thank you to those who have stuck with me. I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter :)**

******Also, I wanted to address the issue of Jim and the baby and their mental communication. Basically, the way I see it as I'm writing, their minds are melded. She knows everything he knows and vice versa, she can't actually ****_talk_**** but she can manipulate Jim's thoughts into making that voice for her. If that makes sense? Basically. She's telepathically very powerful, and Jim is in desperate need of comfort so he's making the voice out of any little shreds of thoughts she sends across to him. So yeah, I really hope that makes sense to someone other than me!**

**Chapter Twenty-One**

***Three months later***

"Walk," Khan hissed, jabbing the phaser into Jim's back.

"I'm trying. I'm really tired," Jim sighed.

"We are nearly there," Khan stated and Jim nodded, taking another step.

The humidity on the planet was unbearable. They were walking through dense jungle and had been for hours.

"I'm sorry. I have to rest," Jim panted, daring to turn around to look at the man behind him. Khan gave a small nod and Jim dropped quickly, laying flat on his back on the floor and panting heavily.

He brought one hand up to his abdomen, tracing the curve there. He knew the baby was almost ready and it made him nervous. In the three months he had been held captive, Khan had treated him steadily better and with increased trust. Though he'd keep him tied up a lot of the time or point a gun at him, he's stopped actually physically striking Jim almost two months ago. Jim knew once the baby was out of him he'd have to find a way to escape with it, he'd stand no chance of escape in his current state.

"Wait here," Khan ordered, disappearing into the undergrowth.

Jim lay still, just listening to the sounds of the strange alien jungle. It wasn't unlike the jungles of Earth, but the heat was completely unbearable, unlike anything Jim had ever experienced before.

_Run. Escape. You could find somewhere to hide and we would be safe and-_

_We can't. I need you out of there now. I can't fight him and put you at risk; if you're out here I can hide you somewhere safe._ Arguing mentally with the baby was becoming exhausting. Their brain was fully developed weeks ago, and as Jim quickly grew to understand, they knew everything he knew. Their minds were working almost as one, allowing them to communicate seamlessly.

"You're getting heavy," Jim groaned, trying to find a comfortable position. He was still reasonably small, maybe only the size a human woman would be at around five or six months, but it was plenty big enough for him. The baby was heavy and would press on his spine, making it almost impossible to move at times.

_I am ready_.

_I know you are, but I need to convince him of that, and then he'll… I don't know how he's going to get you out of there but I'm sure he has a plan by now. Then we can escape._

_Is father coming soon?_

Jim sighed out loud.

He'd almost given up hope of Spock coming to rescue them, feeling like if he was going to do it, he would have already done so by this point. Three months is a long time and Jim was concerned he had given up hope and declared him missing in action, presumed dead.

"Drink," Khan broke his thoughts, pulling him into a sitting position and pressing what looked almost like half a coconut shell full of water into his hands.

"There is a river nearby; the water is fresh and clean. We are near to our destination," he said and Jim nodded, gratefully accepting the water. It was cold and delicious and Jim was thankful. They had been walking for what he could only assume was around three days.

Khan wasn't lying. Within another hour the two men reached a cave in the side of a mountain.

"In here?" Jim asked.

"Yes," Khan ordered and Jim went first, his eyes struggling with the gloom at first but then slowly becoming accustomed to it. He felt his way along, using the wall for guidance until he heard a small clicking sound behind him and light flooded the passageway.

Khan was now carrying a small but very bright lamp, using it to find the way.

They walked further and further into the cave, the air became cool and damp and Jim became aware of the sound of running water coming from another passageway, but he never saw a stream.

The light ahead glanced across something that was certainly not an original feature of the cave system. A door. Not dissimilar to the bulkhead doors aboard the Enterprise. Metal and heavy-duty.

Khan approached it first and found the control panel, keying in a series of complicated codes until the door finally opened, letting out a whining sound as it did, almost as though it was complaining about its sudden use after being stationary for so long.

Khan ushered Jim through the door and then closed and locked it behind them before reaching for a control panel on the wall.

Jim blinked as bright lights flooded the room before him and when his eyes finally adjusted he let out a small sound of surprise.

The room they were now stood in barely resembled the inside of a cave. It looked to be some sort of research facility. The equipment was very high-tech and Jim opened his mouth to question only for Khan to interrupt him.

"This is the research facility where myself and my crew were genetically engineered. There are sleeping quarters down the passage to the left. I suggest you rest, tomorrow is going to be a big day," Khan said and Jim felt a surge of worry. He was going to take the baby.

"So… do you have any kind of… y'know, medical training?" Jim asked and Khan smirked.

"I know enough for my purposes Mr. Kirk," he said coldly.

"What if… hypothetically here… you contacted Enterprise, because I'm sure they aren't far from here. You could bring the doctor here, and he could do the surgery, then you could guarantee the survival of your… new crew member," Jim tried to persuade.

"Do I look like a fool to you?"

"No."

"Then do not suggest such ridiculous things. Go and rest, now," Khan ordered and Jim nodded, heading off in the direction he'd told him and finding a room with a bed in it.

He settled down, grateful of being able to lie comfortably without his hands bound.

Jim fell into an uneasy sleep out of pure exhaustion; the last thing he was aware of was the faint kicking of the child within him.

"Time to destination?" Spock demanded.

"Less than two days sir," Sulu replied quickly.

"Mr. Scott, are we able to achieve any additional increase on our current speed?" Spock asked into the comm.

"I'm givin' her all she's got sir! I cannae change the laws of physics!" the Scotsman yelled back.

"Understood," said Spock, clasping his hands behind his back.

Everyone on the bridge looked exhausted. The last three months without Jim had taken their toll on everyone, but Spock and Bones had taken the brunt of it.

Neither of them looked like they had slept properly in weeks and Spock had started to become increasingly emotional, unable to keep up his usual stoic façade.

"He's gonna be fine, we're gonna get him back," Bones said firmly to Spock who nodded slightly.

"I very much hope so, Doctor. I must report our status to Admiral Archer, please excuse me," said Spock, turning and leaving the bridge.

Bones sighed and walked over to Sulu and Chekov who were talking in low voices.

"We've been scanning the planet and we're picking up two weak bio-signals, the bad news is they're so faint we can't get a location for certain on them. Do you think there's anything you can do to improve the reading?" Sulu asked Chekov.

"I vill try my best," Chekov nodded.

"Two readings? That means the baby isn't born yet. So Jim isn't going to be able to run around or fight or anything," the Doctor pointed out.

"We could try and use the transporter?" Sulu suggested.

"Negatiwe, ze readings ve have received so far suggest zey could be… underground," said Chekov hesitantly.

"So it's going to be a landing party? All go in? All guns blazing?"

"I guess. But not with guns blazing, we need to be careful, we can't provoke Khan or endanger Jim. Will you come down, in case he needs medical attention?" Sulu asked Bones who nodded immediately.

"I'll be comin' with you. God knows what kind of state he's going to be in," Bones said and Chekov grimaced.

"I hope wery much zat he is unharmed."

"Me too kid, but if we don't get to him before that maniac tries to cut that baby out of him, god knows what could happen. He could kill them both," the Doctor explained.

"Shit. We need to try and get there faster. Can we beam someone to the planet from here?" Sulu asked.

"Not from zis distance, but perhaps Mr Scott and I could try to find a way," said Chekov, leaving the bridge and no doubt hurrying to Engineering to try and come up with a solution with Scotty.

Spock paced his quarters. He had communicated with Admiral Archer and informed him of the situation at hand, and of the fact that the rescue attempt would be underway within two days.

Archer was most concerned that Jim was brought back to the ship safely.

Spock hadn't told the Admiral about the baby, but he had a sneaking suspicion that he already knew. He wondered if Winona had told him.

Slowly, he sank down onto his meditation mat. He'd been spending extensive hours meditating, trying to keep calm and keep his emotional control. It had become more difficult with each passing week.

His mind still held traces of Jim from the times when they would meld, and those traces made his heart ache in longing. Though not bonded, the high compatibility of their minds meant that small links were already starting to form between them.

He wanted to hold him in his arms, to tell him that he would never let anybody hurt him ever again, to know their child was safe and healthy and to ensure it was delivered safely.

He thought about Jim and how excited he had been about the baby, the last time they had slept together in the same bed, holding and being held.

_"Spock, it's wriggling! That is the weirdest thing!" Jim giggled; both hands on his slightly rounded stomach. Spock added his hand, placing it between both of Jim's._

_"Do you feel it?" Jim asked._

_"I do not," Spock sighed._

_"I can't feel it with my hands either, just on the inside, but it feels so weird! I'm sure in a few weeks it'll be stronger and you'll feel it," Jim smiled. _

_Spock wrapped his arms around his lover._

_"I look forward to it," he said, placing a kiss on Jim's temple._

_Jim sighed contentedly, closing his eyes and relaxing his body._

_"I'm starting to get really tired all the time, kids taking all my energy," he mumbled._

_"It is expected. Doctor McCoy suggested you may experience extreme fatigue, you should ensure you have eaten an adequate meal," said Spock, tracing his fingers in small circles over Jim's stomach._

_"Yeah yeah, I know, Bones is trying to feed me up. I'm just so sleepy. I think we should tell people tomorrow though, I mean, I only have just over three months to go, and I'm getting obvious by now, Scotty keeps calling me fat and it's depressing me," Jim pouted._

_"I am sure Mr Scott does not intend his remarks to upset you, T'hy'la."_

_"No, I'm sure he doesn't but I mean… I want people to know that this is our baby, not just me eating all the food on the ship," Jim smiled._

_"Then tomorrow we will tell the crew," said Spock simply._

_"Mmm good. I can't wait to see people freaking out over it."_

_"I am certain nobody will 'freak out'. I believe the reaction will be overwhelmingly positive. Our child is a wondrous gift, Jim, and anybody who cannot see that is-" realising Jim was asleep, Spock stopped talking._

_He gently covered his Captain over with a blanket and wrapped his arm around him carefully to sleep._

_"I love you," he mumbled, brushing his lips against the back of Jim's neck._

Spock shook his head, willing away the memory of the last time he and Jim had been so close.

He _needed_ him back. He felt almost as though a piece of himself was missing.

Two days couldn't go quickly enough.

Jim whimpered pathetically as another sharp pain coursed through his body.

_Out. Out out out._

"Jeez. I know you want out, just stop… doing whatever you're doing," he mumbled, rubbing his stomach.

_Out now_.

"I need sleep. Khan is going to get you out, but I need rest. I'm not very strong right now; I need some sleep and some water and some time, okay? Can you wait like twelve more hours?" Jim hissed.

_Out now. It is highly illogical to wait any longer._

"You're… highly illogical," Jim muttered, forcing himself to his feet. He'd managed to get a few hours of sleep, but he still felt fairly terrible. He knew he was dehydrated for a fact by the way his head was thudding and the way his mouth felt so dry it might give the Sahara desert a run for it's money.

He walked carefully out of the sleeping quarters, looking for Khan to ask him for water.

"What are you doing?" demanded a voice from behind him. Jim looked round and raised his hands in surrender.

"Just looking for you. I need some water," he explained and Khan narrowed his eyes at him.

"You look unwell, you are sweating and your facial expression suggests you are in pain," Khan stated, taking a few steps towards Jim.

"I… the baby is trying to…" Jim winced as another sharp pain coursed through his abdomen. "Find it's own way out," he finished through gritted teeth.

"I see. In that case it would seem that there is no time like the present, James," he said with the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

"Are you sure you know how to do this? I mean, Enterprise won't be far away, their Doctor is really-"Jim stopped talking abruptly as Khan gripped his arm tightly.

"Silence," he said firmly.

Fear coursed through Jim's body, his heart thudding in his chest, his mind echoing with the repeated chants of _out out out_ from the baby.

Khan led him along a corridor and into a different room, telling him to lie down on the bed.

The room was not dissimilar to the room Jim had woken up in one Earth after his death in the warp reactor. Jim tried not to think about it.

"Disrobe," Khan ordered and Jim gulped, his shaking hands fumbling with the hem of his stretched gold shirt. It was torn, filthy, but he didn't want to remove it. It was the last thing he had left from his time on the ship, a small comfort of home.

This was all wrong. It shouldn't be Khan. It should be Bones, Bones who would reassure him in his own strange way. Telling him not to act like a baby, telling him not to worry. Spock should be there too, holding his hand and mumbling words of encouragement to him, there to watch as their child entered the world.

Jim removed the shirt and placed it on the side, following it with the black undershirt he had been wearing underneath. Glancing around the room again he was relieved to see there was at least a plentiful supply of medical equipment, and the room looked spotlessly clean and smelled of disinfectant.

"You are afraid," Khan said and Jim nodded. He didn't care anymore. He didn't care if Khan knew he was afraid. Three months of dealing with the man and Jim had nothing to hide in front of him anymore.

"Do not be frightened James, I am here," said Khan, reaching forward to stroke his face gently. Jim shuddered and felt a surge of nausea. He knew what he was in for after the child was born safely.

Not needing to undo the button or zipper on his pants – as he hadn't been able to close them for weeks – Jim pushed down his pants and boxers and stepped out of them before adding them to the pile of clothes on the side.

"Lie down," Khan commanded. Jim obeyed and lay down, allowing Khan to cover his lower half with a pale blue surgical sheet.

"Ow," he muttered as another sharp pain racked through his body.

_Out now?_

_Yeah. Now. Behave yourself, don't give me any trouble._

"Pain relief. You should not be able to feel anything below your shoulders after this," Khan told him, administering a hypo to his neck.

Jim felt a warm, numb feeling spreading rapidly through his body. He was vaguely aware of Khan leaving his line of sight and then the sound of water running for a few long minutes.

"Wiggle your toes."

Jim tried.

"Can't," he whispered, bringing both hands up to cover his face. His eyes burned with tears as he imaged what this should be like

_"Now just take a deep breath kid, you're fine, I gotcha. Can you wiggle your toes for me?"_ Jim forced himself to imagine Bones there, his gruff but soothing voice, and Spock holding his hand.

"Can you feel this?" Khan asked, touching Jim's side.

Jim couldn't feel anything and he whimpered a 'no'.

_"Do not be afraid, ashayam, I'm here,"_ he imagined Spock whispering to him.

"Stay very still," Khan ordered. Jim had no choice, the only parts of his body he could move were his arms and his head.

_"You're gonna feel some pressure, but not pain. Just try and stay nice and relaxed for me,"_ imaginary Bones said. Jim squeezed his eyes tightly closed.

He could feel strange pressure on his abdomen, and focused on keeping his breathing steady.

Spock would be holding his hand, gripping it tighter than he would usually, but he would refuse to admit it was out of nerves. Bones would be talking to him, telling him exactly what was going on and telling him he was doing fine.

_I love you so much_ Jim thought to the baby, feeling a rush of fear from them.

"Continue staying still, you are doing well James," Khan said in a surprisingly soft tone.

"Mhm," Jim whimpered in response. He kept his hands tightly clamped over his face, eyes screwed shut until the sound of a small whimper filled his ears.

Jim watched in awe as Khan lifted the tiny child from him. He did his best to ignore the blood.

"A female," Khan said in the same soft tone.

Jim felt himself choke up, tears flowing freely down his face.

_A baby girl._

Khan wrapped her in a clean white blanket and placed her carefully on another bed, going to work on the incision he had made with a handheld regenerator. She was so quiet and Jim felt his heart racing with nerves.

_Shouldn't she be crying?_

When Jim was healed Khan carefully lifted the baby and took her to clean her up, then brought her back to Jim, placing her carefully on his bare chest.

All at once Jim realized he had never actually held a newborn baby, especially not one this small.

"Hey, hi there," he stammered, hesitantly placing his hands on her, one on her back and one on her head. A grin broke across his face as he looked at her carefully. She had Spock's pointed ears and serious expression, but as she opened her eyes Jim was met with what could have been a mirror of his own eyes.

"You're amazing, and you're so tiny," he whispered, gently stroking her hair. It was dark, but unlike Spock's it had a stubborn curl to it.

She whimpered quietly and Jim ran his thumb across her ear, feeling the tiny point.

She wriggled and let out a loud cry, screwing up her face.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, you don't like that huh? I'm so sorry," Jim apologised quickly. Still careful to support her head with one hand, he offered his index finger of his other hand to her. She took it and stopped crying, her tiny fingers wrapping around one of his, not even able to close around it.

Jim felt his breath hitch in his throat as a rush of unconditional love like nothing he had ever felt before washed over him. In that moment he just knew that wherever he went, whatever happened, he would always do his all to protect and care for her.

Clinging to his finger, the baby looked up at him through her dark lashes, blue eyes fixed on his face, her face so serious and like Spock that it was painful for Jim to be reminded of him so much.

"It would appear Vulcan genetic material is dominant over that of a human, she looks just like him," said Khan, lowering his hand to touch her.

She let out another loud cry, her face starting to flush a dark green this time.

"She doesn't like you," Jim mumbled as Khan retracted his hand.

"She will learn in time," said Khan.

Jim's mind felt oddly silent without all of her thoughts mixing with his own.

_Come on Spock, come and save us._

"You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Jim whispered, trying to raise his head to kiss her forehead but finding himself unable to.

He contented himself with just playing with a few strands of her hair; chuckling softly at how unimpressed she looked by it.

"You look just like your daddy," he whispered, wiggling his finger and feeling her grip tighten. He stared at her tiny fingers, fascinated by them, and her tiny pointed ears that were so cute he thought he might explode.

"You require extensive rest in order to recover properly. I am going to place the child in a safe place and then sedate you," Khan explained, scooping up the bundle from Jim's chest.

She started to cry loudly and wriggle as he carried her over to the other bed in the room and placed her down in the middle, positioning pillows around her so she couldn't fall anywhere.

"Don't sedate me, I can rest just fine without it," Jim said, his eyes fixed on the newborn.

"Your body will be numb for several more hours, you will be more comfortable sedated," Khan said firmly, pressing a hypo to Jim's neck.

Jim fought it as long as he could, keeping his eyes fixed on the baby that was staring right back at him. Eventually he could no longer compete with the powerful sedative coursing through his body and he slipped into unconsciousness.

_Come and save us Spock. We need you_.

Spock inhaled sharply. In his mind he could feel… _something_. In the traces of his last contact with Jim, he could feel another entity.

It took him a few moments to realise that it was the child's mind reaching out to his, trying to form a parental bond.

"Spock to Doctor McCoy," he said into his communicator.

"McCoy here, something wrong?"

"The child has been born. Scanners should be able to verify," said Spock. He explored the new connection in his mind, reaching out towards the child in an attempt to complete the bond.

There was a long pause.

"They see it. There are three life signs. Congratulations Daddy," said the Doctor, a hint of a smile in his voice.

"… Thank you," Spock said hesitantly.

"Now we're going to go down there, kill that bastard, and get Jim and the baby back to safety, alright?"

"That sounds like an excellent plan, Doctor," Spock agreed.

He closed the communicator and sat down on the edge of his bed, his mind still trying to reach that of his child.

The connection was weak, probably due to the distance, but Spock focused hard on sending one message across the incomplete bond.

_I am coming to rescue you._


	22. Chapter 21 - Always

**~A/N~  
Howdy strangers! it's been a while, sorry about that, this chapter was a biggie and you'll see why. This is actually version 7, it took me six previous versions to get it to a point where I was happy with it.**

**Secondly, this site is driving me crazy! I post my chapter and then I go back and read it and it's removed all my page breaks! Achh! Annoying! Anyone know how to stop this happening? I'm going to try something different for this chapter, so I hope that works but if not, please somebody message me and tell me it's all one giant ball of squish again please? Ta! **

**Anyway, ****_warnings for this chapter_**** because I really don't want to upset anyone by not giving you fore-warning of any of this…  
Violence, excessive violence, borderline torture, some more violence, Khan being Khan, and… well… um… character death. **

**Sorry. It's been planned from the beginning. Please feel free to shout at me in the Reviews section, but don't get too mean about it, I do have a plan and this is NOT... I repeat ABSOLUTELY NOT the end of the story!**

**Dare I say enjoy?**

**Chapter Twenty-Two - Always**

"Damn it man! I'm a doctor not a soldier!" Bones protested as Scotty forced a phaser into his hand.

"Aye, but ye' might need this, and you'd be better t'have it and not need it than to need it an' not have it," he said. Bones sighed and accepted it, tucking it into the waistband of his pants.

"Ready to depart," said Spock, getting up onto the transporter pad.

"I'm good to go," said Sulu, taking a place beside Spock.

"Yeah, I'm ready," nodded Bones, picking up the small medical kit he was bringing.

"Go get em' tiger," said Carol with a weak smile. He tried to smile in return but he wasn't sure if his face was co-operating.

Carol gave him a quick peck on the cheek before stepping away, standing back by Scotty.

"Energise," ordered Spock.

Bones blinked hard as they materialised on the planet's surface, the rush of heat hitting him taking him by surprise.

"This way," said Spock quickly, starting to run towards a mountain.

Sulu followed and Bones behind him.

"I'm not an athlete either!" he yelled indignantly at the fast pace.

Spock's level of sheer determination was almost intimidating. Bones could only focus on how worried he was about Jim. If Khan had botched the surgery, he could be in a really bad way; he could very easily have life-threatening complications. The baby could have any number of things wrong too.

For what felt like an eternity of running, none of the three men spoke to one-another. They were all focused on the task at hand. They all knew what they were there for.

Reaching the entrance to the cave, Spock didn't even slow down, he just carried on charging into the darkness at full tilt.

Bones understood perfectly. If it had been Joanna he'd be doing the exact same thing. It was a father's instinct to stop at nothing to protect his family.

Their footsteps echoed inside the cold, damp passageway, as well as the heavy breathing of Sulu and Bones. Spock didn't seem at all affected by the exertion of all the running.

Reaching a bulkhead door, they stopped.

_This is it._

"As there were no other passageways, it is logical to assume both hostages are located in this room," said Spock. He sounded slightly out of breath, but not so much that it prevented him from speaking at all.

"Should I set the charges here?" Sulu asked and Spock nodded.

He started to remove the explosive devices from his backpack. The plan was to sneak into wherever Jim and the baby were being held, and to get them out without causing any kind of fight.

Sulu and Bones knew that they would stand little to no chance in direct combat with the superhuman, and though Spock was a more even match, even he wasn't sure he could outlast Khan in a fight. Once Jim and the baby were safe, they were going to trap Khan inside the cave by using the explosives to cause a collapse.

They all knew it was inhumane to leave him to die in such a way, but nobody seemed to mind too much.

"Ready," said Sulu, jolting Bones and Spock out of their respective thoughts.

"Let's get your wife and baby back," Bones said to Spock, beginning to hack the door entry code.

Hacking was something he had learned from Jim in their years at the academy. That kid could hack anything he put his mind to, and Bones had picked up a trick or two.

"Captain Kirk is not my wife," Spock objected.

"He basically is," Sulu argued.

"To suggest he is my wife would require him to be female, and for us to have entered into a marriage and I am unaware of either of these occurrences-"

"He kind of… is… a partial female? Right? He's… both?" Sulu interrupted, confused.

"I can assure you the last time I checked, he was very much still male," said Spock bluntly and Bones sighed, closing his eyes.

"Well _that's _a mental image we all could have done without, thank you."

"So is he going to wear the white dress or are you?" Sulu asked, smirking.

The three of them knew they were only having this ridiculous conversation to keep themselves calm, distract themselves from the danger they were walking into.

The door bleeped and the three men froze.

"Fuck it. I think I've tripped the intruder alarm," Bones hissed. Spock and Sulu each drew their weapons.

Bones pressed one more button on the door panel and an alarm started screeching, the sound echoing in the enclosed space so loud it was almost unbearable.

"Shit!"

Jim was faintly aware of a piercing sound in the distance. High pitched and repetitive.

He mumbled something, forcing his eyes open groggily.

"Fuck," he hissed as a bolt of pain from his abdomen shot through him. He actually started to miss the strange numbness from the anaesthetic. He tried to reach up to scratch his face and found his hands were bound to the bed on either side of his body.

He lay still, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing, trying to keep himself calm.

"Jim?" he could hear a familiar voice in the distance.

"I'm here," he mumbled weakly. He couldn't get a deep breath; something in his chest wouldn't allow it. He felt almost like he was being crushed by something.

"Jim!" the voice cried, right next to him now. Jim forced his eyes open once again and could have cried in relief as he saw Bones stood over him.

"It's good to see you," Jim said weakly. Bones' hand was on his shoulder.

"It's good to see you too, but god damn he's made a mess of you! We gotta go, we need to get you back aboard the ship and I need to-"

"Captain," said Spock as he entered the room, rushing to Jim's side.

"Not on duty," Jim chuckled weakly, relief flooding through him. He was safe. Spock and Bones were here and he was _safe_, he'd be going home and sleeping in his own bed tonight.

"Oh Jim," Spock sighed, wrapping his arms around him as best he could while Jim was lying down and he was standing.

"God, I was so scared I'd never see you again," Jim whispered, allowing Spock to hug him.

"I was afraid I had lost you forever," Spock admitted, pulling away and looking down at Jim.

He looked a mess. He was pale and sweaty and his hair was all over the place, several days worth of golden stubble on his cheeks and chin.

"Our child…" Spock began but trailed off as his eyes trailed further down Jim's body.

Angry purple marks were spreading across his abdomen which was alarmingly flat and hollow looking.

"A baby girl, Spock! Bones we got a little girl," Jim giggled slightly, he was quite obviously delirious from the amount of pain he was in combined with blood loss. Spock raised an eyebrow and Bones started running a tricoder over Jim's abdomen.

"I know, I saw her on the scans. Just keep real still for me," he said quietly, trying to decipher the readings he was getting and form a plan of action.

The doctor could see where the incision had been made, and it was all wrong. Far too high, far too large of an incision. The dark purple colouring forming under the skin told him everything he needed to know, even without the tricoder confirming it.

He took a deep breath and decided to be completely honest with his friend.

"Jim you're bleedin' out on the inside. If you don't let me get you back to the ship, you could die in under an hour," he said seriously. Jim seemed to understand, even in his state of pain-induced madness.

"I will find the child," Spock said, giving Jim's shoulder a squeeze and hurrying from the room.

Bones sighed and nodded.

"Damn it Jim, I think a monkey could have done a better job on fixing this," he sighed as he ran the tricoder over Jim's stomach again.

"Good to see your bedside manner hasn't changed," Jim smiled weakly.

"Never, kid," he said gruffly as he released the restraints holding Jim to the bed and then slowly helped him to sit up.

Jim groaned loudly.

"He didn't put your muscle back together properly."

"No? Really? I couldn't tell," Jim hissed.

"Do you think you can walk?" the Doctor asked and Jim wiggled his feet.

"Well, I can feel my feet again, so that might be useful. I don't know, probably," Jim said, trying to stand up.

He became aware very quickly that the only thing he was wearing was the blue sheet that had been covering him.

"Uh… pants…" Bones trailed off, looking away respectfully and trying to find Jim's clothes.

He threw the pair of black pants at him and Jim pulled them on quickly, doing his best to ignore the pain in his stomach.

"Did you see the baby?"

"Yeah. He let me hold her. She's so perfect," Jim smiled, holding onto the bed to steady himself.

"Your eyes?"

Jim nodded and Bones punched the air.

"Yes! I knew it! Ha, Uhura owes me a hundred credits," he grinned. Jim knew he was only trying to help him relax, but he really wanted to just get out of there.

"Where's Khan?" Jim asked and Bones' face became serious again.

"I don't know; we didn't see any sign of him on our way in here. Let's get you out of here," Bones said, supporting Jim by wrapping one arm around his back and allowing Jim to drape his arm over his shoulders.

"Spock's got the baby?" Jim asked.

"He's finding her right now, we'll meet them outside," Bones promised.

Jim gritted his teeth and hissed in pain as they started to walk.

"You got any names in mind?" Bones asked to distract him.

"I've got a couple, need to talk to Spock first," he nodded.

"Human or Vulcan?"

"A little of both," Jim forced out, followed by another gasp of pain.

"I'll fix you up as soon as we get home, just keep walking, stay with me."

Jim couldn't walk. He knew it was useless.

"That's ok, we'll have Spock carry you out," Bones assured him as he gently helped Jim sit down on the floor.

It took Spock only minutes to locate the child.

He paused in the doorway of the room as he heard faint whimpering, then stepped forward, approaching the small bundle of white blankets on the bed.

He felt his breath catch in his throat as he looked at the baby for the first time.

To him, the child looked a lot like Jim, but the pointed ears were an immediate giveaway to the other parent. Gender was indistinguishable from the face though, still puffy and slightly discoloured. The baby couldn't have been more than a few hours old.

"Hello… I do not believe we have yet been introduced," he said softly, sensitive fingertips cautiously brushing against the child's face. Their eyes opened and Spock allowed himself to smile.

Blue. Just like Jim's.

A tiny hand reached up and grabbed at his fingers.

"You are… quite remarkable," he smiled. They were so… _small_. Almost too small.

_Cold_ a small voice echoed in his mind.

"Of course you are cold, we need to dress you in something and ensure you stay warm enough." Spock felt stupid for not realising right away. He was cold in the cave; there was no reason why the child would be any warmer, especially as they were only wrapped in a blanket.

He looked around for an additional layer to wrap around the baby, but could see nothing. He stripped of his uniform shirts, pulling the blue overshirt back on and keeping the soft, black undershirt to wrap the baby in.

"This is warm," he assured, feeling even more stupid when he realised of course the baby couldn't understand him.

He carefully removed the white blankets, causing the baby to whimper and squirm as the cold air touched their skin.

Spock allowed himself to smile again as he saw the baby was female. He knew Jim had secretly wanted a little girl, though he'd never admit to wanting one or the other.

He carefully wrapped her in his black undershirt, wrapping the fabric around and around and up to her head and leaving only her face poking out, making sure she had a better chance of staying warm. He then wrapped the white blankets around the outside, adding an additional layer.

"We will go home, together, all three of us as a family," he whispered, gently pressing his lips to her forehead. She looked up at him curiously and he couldn't help but smile again.

"I am quite certain you are the most beautiful life form in all of creation," he said, placing another kiss on her face.

He felt… happiness. Pure, unrestrained joy in his heart.

Holding her close to his chest, he walked quickly back out to the main chamber of the facility, his face falling as he saw Jim slumped on the floor with McCoy kneeling beside him.

"Jim?" he asked and he stirred slightly.

"He's in a bad way Spock, I need to get him back to the ship, there's nothing I can do to help him down here," McCoy explained. He seemed… panicked.

"I will carry him, if you could take…" Spock trailed off. He didn't really know what to call the baby. He hoped Jim would have done some thinking about names.

"Sure I'll take her," McCoy got to his feet and held out his arms, Spock hesitated for a second and then handed over the bundle of blankets.

"Well hi there little darlin'," he said softly, smiling down at her. Her eyes were closed and her face was relaxed as she slept, oblivious to what was happening around her.

"Jim, I'm going to lift you, please stay relaxed," Spock said and Jim nodded slightly.

Spock picked him up easily and held him bridal style. It scared him how limp Jim's body was in his arms.

"Let's get the hell out of here," Bones nodded, the four of them making their way out of the facility and into the cave, heading for the tiny light at the end of the tunnel, signalling their freedom.

Sulu was waiting just outside, and as soon as they reached him, he was trying to comm. Enterprise to beam them all back aboard.

"Sulu to Enterprise, do you read me?"

The silence in response was deafening.

"We're probably out of range, we can just walk a little way and then try again," Bones suggested.

"Or, your signal could be jammed," came a voice from in the undergrowth.

Jim seemed to completely come to his senses at the sound of Khan's voice. Spock set him down on his feet and the two of them stood close together.

"Gentlemen, I must say, what a sloppy rescue this was. Only three of you? And one who has no combat abilities? A poor effort," Khan smirked, stepping out into the clearing, he had his weapon raised and pointed at Bones.

"Give me the child," Khan ordered. Bones glared at him defiantly.

"Give me the child, Doctor," he repeated.

"No. She belongs with Jim and Spock," he said firmly.

"Then give her to them," Khan shrugged. Bones raised an eyebrow but then complied, handing her over to Jim who held her carefully.

Out of the corner of his eye Jim noticed Sulu very slowly drawing his phaser.

Faster than he could blink, Khan fired at Sulu, sending him crashing to the floor. Jim flinched as he watched his friend fall.

"Oh relax, he's only been stunned," Khan mused, starting to pace the clearing.

"However the next shot won't be so kind," he said as he very obviously adjusted the setting on his weapon.

"You," he pointed at Spock, "And you," he pointed at McCoy, "Are going to let me leave with James and our child. If you attempt to stop us I _will_ kill you," he warned.

He stepped forwards towards Jim who flinched as he was grabbed by the shoulder.

"Khan he needs medical attention, look at him," Bones argued. "He's bleeding internally; he's going to die unless you let me do my job."

Bones and Spock glanced at eachother.

"This is nothing that another sample of my blood won't fix," Khan shrugged, starting to walk away, forcing Jim to walk with him.

It took Spock less than two seconds after Khan and Jim were out of sight to launch himself after them.

He threw himself at Khan, punching, kicking, elbowing every part of him he could reach. Khan's weapon flew from his hand as he hit the floor, the enraged Vulcan on top of him, punching him in the face repeatedly, over and over.

Spock wasn't aware of Jim carefully putting the baby down out of the way of the fight and then lowering himself onto the floor next to her, gasping for breath.

"_My_ family," Spock growled, his hands wrapping around the throat of the superhuman and _squeezing_.

Khan's face started to turn red, his expression remained the same though, defiant, uncaring.

Spock let out a cry of rage and let go of his throat, grabbing him by the shoulders and slamming his head repeatedly into the floor. Spock wanted Khan to beg him for mercy, he wanted to see the fear in his eyes as he deprived him of his life.

"You will pay for what you've done to him," Spock hissed as his hands found Khan's throat again.

"Well Mr. Spock it seems you have a choice. You can kill me, or you can say goodbye to your beloved in his final moments," Khan smirked and Spock glanced at Jim just in time to see him cough up a mouthful of startlingly red blood.

"Jim! Stay awake Jim," Spock called, hands squeezing tighter around the superhumans throat.

"M'wake," Jim replied weakly, taking another rattling breath.

"Stay with me, T'hy'la."

Khan forced out a laugh despite the pressure on his throat.

"He's as good as dead and you know it."

"SILENCE!" Spock roared, his fist connecting with the side of Khan's head so hard that he was certain he felt his knuckles break.

Spock kept the pressure on Khan's throat until the gasping breaths stopped coming, until his body became limp and eyes turned blank.

Then he dived for Jim, kneeling at his side.

"Jim, Jim can you hear me?" he asked, shaking his shoulder gently.

The purple across his abdomen had become so dark, and the badly regenerated scar looked as though it was about to split back open.

"I'm ok," Jim mumbled weakly, forcing his eyes open.

"You are not, and it is entirely my fault," sighed Spock.

"Oh shut up, it isn't your fault," Jim panted, coughing again and spitting out more blood onto the forest floor.

The baby let out a whimper and Spock picked her up carefully, placing her next to Jim so he could see her face. Her eyes were open and she was staring around, looking from Jim to Spock and back again.

"She's amazing," he smiled, trying to stifle another cough.

"She is. Lay still, T'hy'la, I will attempt to contact-"

A bright burst of light illuminated the clearing, in less than a second Spock had thrown himself forward, covering Jim and the baby with his own body, shielding them.

Jim could feel warm liquid on his bare chest, Spock's dead weight pressing down on him.

Several more bright bursts of light, loud rushing sounds and then Bones' face, panicked, he was yelling something but Jim couldn't hear him, all he could hear was the pounding of his own heart in his ears.

He gasped in a deep breath as the weight pressing down on his chest was removed and he raised his hands.

Green blood.

"Spock," Jim whispered, trying to roll onto his side.

"SPOCK!" he cried.

Spock lay next to him, Bones yelling orders at Sulu who looked completely dazed, both hands applying pressure to the large wound on Spock's side.

"Damn it we need to get back to ship NOW!"

"Sulu to Enterprise, beam us up."

"BEAM US UP!"

The baby was crying.

Sulu's face swam into view.

"Jim? Hey Jim keep looking at me buddy, we're going to get out of here real soon," Sulu said, he looked terrified; he kept glancing at Spock and then back to Jim.

"She's crying," Jim said weakly.

Spock's eyes were open and staring blankly up at the sky. Jim agonisingly crawled a few inches closer, grabbing Spock's hand and bringing it up to his face, clumsily positioning his fingers at his meld points. Nothing happened.

"Don't leave me," he pleaded.

"Please, don't leave us."

_I will never truly leave you, T'hy'la, I will be your guiding light in dark places. Look for me, I will be there, always._

Jim gripped Spock's hand tighter as the weak thought crossed into his mind.

"No, don't talk like that. You're going to make it and-"

"Jim," Sulu's hand was on his shoulder, trying to pull him away.

"No," Jim argued weakly, the first tears spilling from his eyes.

"No… no," he mumbled. Spock's hand was turning cold in his; he let it down from his face.

The baby was whimpering. Jim looked between her and Spock. His eyes were glassy and face deathly pale.

"Jim… I'm so sorry," Bones sighed, his hands finally relaxing the pressure he was applying to Spock's side. There was nothing he could do.

No way he could be saved.

Tiny white lights started to flicker and whirl around them all as they were beamed back to the ship.

Jim exhaled and made no effort to breathe again, finally allowing the darkness to take him.

A faint tapping brought Leonard McCoy to his senses. He turned around and was met with Carol in the doorway.

"Hey," she said softly.

"Hi," he grunted in response.

He continued staring down at the tiny baby in front of him. He'd dressed her in the smallest item of clothing the replicator could produce, and even then the sleeves of the pink babygrow had been rolled up five times so her hands were free.

She was perfect in every way. Ten tiny fingers and toes, a full head of dark hair, Jim's blue eyes, and her ears… pointed ears. The serious expression on her face…

"Len. It wasn't your fault. He didn't stand a chance, nobody could have taken a hit like that and lived," Carol said, putting her hand on his shoulder.

He tensed.

"But now she's going to grow up with the pain of missing him, just like Jim is going to have to get over losing him, and damn it I don't think he'll ever get over it! I could have done more, Carol, I froze up… I… panicked. There was just so much blood and I…" he stopped talking, finding a strange tightness in his throat that he couldn't overcome.

It took Leonard a few seconds to realise he was crying.

"But you killed Khan. You stopped him being able to hurt anyone else," she said as she tried to hug him. He didn't react, he just stayed still, staring at the sleeping baby.

"I felt nothing… when I pulled that trigger I didn't feel a damn thing. I shot him five times and didn't feel a damn thing. I let Jim down, and I let Spock down, and I've let her down… and I just… I could throw myself out of the damn airlock right now," he sighed, wiping the tears on his face away with one hand.

"What happened is… awful. It is. But Jim has you, and you can help him through it, I know you can get him through it," she soothed, one hand rubbing his back gently.

The baby stirred and Leonard instinctively repositioned her blankets.

"She looks exactly like Spock, and that's going to be the hardest thing. Every time Jim looks at her he's going to be forced to remember what he lost today."

Leonard looked up at the bed in the room, the man laying there blissfully unaware of what was going on.

"I don't know if Jim'll even remember what happened. He was completely out of it by that point," Leonard sighed.

Jim's injuries had been extensive and it had taken hours of surgery for him to repair everything, to stop all the bleeding and to re-attach everything correctly. The only remaining problem was that Jim's body was too malnourished for the regenerator to be used, so he was held together with stitches and a swathe of crisp, white bandages around his middle.

Looking back to the baby he noticed her eyes were open and she was wriggling against her blankets, making small sounds.

"You want up?" he asked, picking her up gently. She was by far the smallest baby he had ever held, even including premature ones, but he could find nothing wrong with her. No underdevelopment, she even weighed a healthy eight pounds which for her size was almost unbelievable. If the Doctor didn't know that Spock weighed over two hundred and fifty pounds but was skinny as a bean pole, he would have thought his scales were broken.

She let out a cry and Bones shushed her, starting to rock her side to side.

She cried louder and Jim stirred in the bed.

"You want Daddy, don't you?" Bones asked softly, walking slowly over to Jim's bedside.

His eyes fluttered open and he looked around for a few seconds.

"I feel like I've been hit by a truck," he rasped.

"Me too," said Bones flatly.

"How is he?" Jim asked, obviously about Spock and Bones crumbled. His eyes filled with tears and he did nothing to stop them.

He carefully handed over the baby to Jim, helping him prop her up with his arm, but keep her off his bandages. She settled down immediately once she was in Jim's arms.

He dragged the seat by the side of the bed close to the bed and sat down.

Carol respectfully left the room and closed the door behind her.

Leonard McCoy took a deep breath and took Jim's hand in his own.

"Jim, he didn't make it."

Jim stared at him for a few seconds.

"W-what?" he spluttered.

"He didn't make it. Khan shot at you and the baby, he threw himself in the way and got shot... right over his heart. He lost too much blood too quickly; there wasn't anything I could do. Jim I'm so… s-so sorry," he faltered.

Jim pulled his hand away, staring at his friend in disbelief.

"No… that's impossible," he whispered, horror spreading across his face.

"I wish it was," Bones shook his head sadly.

Jim's bottom lip started to tremble and his friend pulled him into a hug, careful not to squash the baby in between them.

"I'm here for you, Jim, anything you need and I'm here," he whispered, allowing Jim to start crying into his shoulder.

He held him that way for a long time, as his sobbing became more and more hysterical, until he was practically screaming out at how wrong it all was, at how they were supposed to be a family, that they were supposed to be together. One hand clung to Leonards shirt as if his life depended on it.

Both men became aware of more people joining their embrace. First Uhura who placed a small kiss on Jim's forehead and then on the baby's forehead, then Sulu who was still looking slightly worse for wear after refusing any treatment from McCoy until he was certain Jim and the baby were going to be alright.

A tear-stained Chekov, Carol and Scotty joined too. Jim was being slightly crushed into the bed but he didn't even care. He didn't care who saw him cry. He didn't realise everyone in the room was crying with him, for him, and for Spock.

Finally Joanna McCoy squeezed between Uhura and her father, tears streaming down her face.

"We're all here for you, Captain," mumbled Uhura.

He nodded slightly, fingertips gently playing with the baby's soft hair as she stared up at the people above her.

She didn't know it yet, but they were her family. The people who would guide her, protect and care for her, teach her and watch her grow.

Jim closed his eyes, trying to remember what had happened, to remember if Spock had said anything to him before he died.

Painfully, he did remember, and it caused a fresh wave of tears to spill onto his face. He looked through the small crowd of people around him and out of the viewing portal in the room, out into the darkness of the space surrounding them and focusing on a particularly bright distant star.

_I will never truly leave you, T'hy'la, I will be your guiding light in dark places. _

_Look for me, I will be there, always._


	23. Chapter 22 - I Miss You

**~A/N~**

**Sorry for punching you all right in the feels with that last chapter. The response to the plot twist has been kind of overwhelming!  
I'd love to say that this chapter is any better but honestly I think this one might be worse. Please bare with me, I promise things will look up for poor Jim and baby soon, and she has a name now too! This story is NOT over yet, there's plenty more so stay tuned ;)**

**I'd like to dedicate this chapter to ChibiMizu for their amazing artwork they created, view it here: art/I-will-be-there-always-389782949  
it's absolutely... well... it punched ME right in the feels! **

**Chapter Twenty Three – I Miss You**

_Spock took a deep breath and opened his eyes, glancing around._

_The room was white, and sunlight was streaming in through the window, white curtains billowing in the breeze._

_What was this place?_

_He was lying in a comfortable bed, though it occurred to him he was wearing his tattered and dirty uniform, even his boots were still on his feet._

_He sat up, then stood. His body felt light and rejuvenated, almost as though he had spent several days resting completely._

_Looking around he noticed a mirror on the wall and approached it, recoiling slightly as he saw the large burnt hole in the side of his uniform, and the green blood covering the fabric. He examined his skin there, but found no trace of injury._

_Then he remembered._

_Khan._

_The shot._

_Trying to protect Jim and their baby._

_Jim's face, Doctor McCoy's face, terrified, helpless._

_Then darkness._

_"Oh, you're up! Welcome," came a voice from the doorway._

_Spock turned around and froze._

_"I do not believe we are acquainted," he said, raising an eyebrow at the man before him. He looked somehow… familiar._

_He was young, maybe only a few years older than Jim, and wearing all white robes. His face was relaxed and showed no signs of aging or worry; the only disconcerting thing was that he was translucent. Though Spock could see him, he could also see the door behind him through his body._

_"No, we aren't yet. I'm George, George T Kirk," the man offered his hand._

_Spock stared at him, frozen._

_Jim's father._

_Impossible._

_Jim's father died, nearly twenty –five years ago._

_"I am Spock, of Vulcan," he said eventually. 'George Kirk' lowered his hand and nodded. He clearly knew Vulcan's did not shake hands._

_"Forgive me… but I know your Son… and you are-"_

_"You know Jim? How is he? Is he in Starfleet?" he asked quickly._

_"I believe I asked a question first," Spock pointed out and Kirk relaxed._

_"Sorry, yes, you were, go ahead."_

_"You are… deceased?" Spock asked and Kirk nodded._

_"I am. So are you. We all are, everyone here."_

_Spock raised his eyebrow again._

_"The existence of any kind of afterlife is… impossible. There is no such thing,"_

_"There is, here we are right?" Spock flinched. He was so much like Jim when he said things like that._

_"Who is 'we'?" Spock asked._

_"Anyone your mind thinks you need at that moment, but only those who have passed into the other realm. For some reason, you needed me my pointy-eared friend, so here I am!" he said, clapping his hands together._

_"I… your son and I… we… were very close," Spock stuttered._

_The information was too much, overloading his mind._

_"Oh yeah? Like best buddies all through the academy?"_

_"Not exactly…" Spock trailed off._

_"He was your… husband?"_

_"Intended to be, now we… cannot," Spock sighed._

_"Wow, I'm sorry," Kirk said, placing a hand on Spock's shoulder._

_"It was… my own fault," Spock said, his hands clenching into fists as Khan briefly crossed his mind._

_"Your mind is going to be all over the place right now. When I ended up here I felt so terrible… Jim had only just been born, and I left him and my wife all alone," he said. Spock knew the words were meant as comfort, trying to make his situation seem less dire, but he of course had no idea about their baby._

_"Jim, and our newborn daughter are all alone, Mr. Kirk. I want to be… alone. Please," Spock said flatly._

_"You and Jim have a... a child? I'm a grandfather? Now I'm not expert on Vulcan physiology, but… you're a male right?"_

_"Correct. Jim carried the child. There was… an experimental medical procedure that enabled him to do so," explained Spock, it was far simpler than to launch into the story about Khan and the warp reactor._

_"That's… that's pretty cool," Kirk nodded. He was smiling, but there was sadness to it._

_Spock said nothing, he just stared at the floor._

_"I'll leave you for now, you must have a lot to make sense of. I'll come back later though, we can go for a walk around maybe?"_

_"I do not mean to sound ungrateful of the offer of your company, but you bear a strong physical resemblance to your son and it is… difficult," Spock admitted._

_"Oh. Oh yeah of course. I'll give you a little more time. Hey, you know, come and find me when you're ready. Walk out this room, all the way down the long corridor, under the waterfall and keep going, you can't miss it," he said, leaving the room quickly._

_Spock didn't have time to query his directions._

_He sat back down on the bed and allowed his head to fall into his hands._

_All he wanted was to go back, and to be with the people who needed him the most._

_*~*~*PAGE BREAK*~*~*_

"Amy?" Bones suggested.

"No."

"Charlotte?"

"Ew. No."

"Uh… Miranda?"

"You're kidding?" Jim sighed and rubbed his face.

"What's your name kiddo? Hm? Why are you the most difficult thing in the whole _universe_ to name?" he asked of the baby lying on his bare chest.

She clung onto his finger in the way she had started to always do and made a small gurgling sound, staring up at him with wide eyes, her mouth slightly open and forming a puddle of drool on his chest. He didn't care in the slightest about being drooled on, the way she watched him with such fascination more than made up for it.

"She's talking to you," the Doctor smiled.

"You talking to me? Huh? I bet you want to talk about science and physics right?" Jim said with a weak smile.

Bones trod carefully with his next suggestion.

"How about… Amanda?" he suggested, holding his breath.

"No. I can't do that. As much as I want to, it wouldn't be fair to Sarek," Jim shook his head. "I want him to be a part of her life."

"Well… I don't know. We've been through like every name I can think of. Maybe Uhura knows some Vulcan ones?"

Jim closed his eyes momentarily.

"Sorry," Bones said quickly. "Hey have you commed home yet? I bet your Mom could come up with something?" he asked and Jim shook his head.

Bones understood.

He knew that if Jim called his mother she would no doubt ask about… Spock. The subject _nobody_ was going to bring up until Jim did so himself.

"I'll send her a picture later, and I'd probably better tell Archer too. I want to get some sleep anyway," Jim mumbled.

"Sure thing. You want a sedative…?" he asked hesitantly.

Jim looked at him with tired and bloodshot eyes.

"Maybe in a bit, I'll try without," he said and the Doctor nodded.

"I'll be right down the hall if you need anything. You want me to put her back in her crib?"

"No. I'll keep her here. She likes being on my skin like this, and I can't move far enough to tip her off or anything."

Bones scowled.

Normally he wouldn't leave a two day old baby on someone who was planning to go to sleep and wasn't strong enough to sit up by themselves, but he didn't have the heart to take her from Jim at that point.

After finding out about Spock he'd cried and cried for hours until he'd eventually fallen asleep, waking up in time to feed the baby her first bottle and then get spit-up on. Bones dared to let out a chuckle and welcome him to the joys of parenthood, and to warn him there was plenty more puke where that came from.

He was amazed at how well Jim was keeping it together. After the initial howling, the crying had been controlled and was now no longer, replaced with a silent sadness which was in Bones' opinion much, much worse.

Without Jim's knowledge, the doctor had him placed on suicide watch and had someone constantly monitoring his room by video-feed.

He liked to think that the baby would prevent him from doing anything so idiotic and selfish but Jim could be unpredictable, especially when he was upset.

"I'll leave you to it then, if you need anything, just let me know," the doctor nodded, attentively pulling Jim's blankets up a little higher.

"I will. Thanks Bones," Jim nodded.

The Doctor left the room with one last glance back at the two of them, then walked the short distance to his office. He keyed in the code and let himself in, closing the door behind himself and the privacy blinds and throwing himself into the chair behind the desk.

_Fuck._ _Spock is really gone._

Leonard mentally slapped himself. Of course he knew Spock was really gone, he'd spent long enough staring at his lifeless body in the morgue, willing him to magically come back to life for Jim's sake.

He fumbled for the bottom drawer of his desk and the bottle of liquor he kept there.

He had no idea of the time and if he was on duty, nor did he care. He had no idea who was watching Joanna, nor did he even really care about that. He knew she'd be safe somewhere.

He just needed the guilt to go away.

*~*~*PAGE BREAK*~*~*

Jim awkwardly positioned the PADD so that the integrated camera could see the baby's face clearly, then pressed the button to start recording.

"Hi Grandma, I'm really excited to get home and meet you. I know that's going to be a while, but by then I'll be big enough to play games with you and stuff. Right now I'm almost two days old and I weigh a whole eight pounds, oh, and I'm a girl. I don't have a name yet, but Daddy is working really hard on that." Jim faltered. He held the PADD still for a few seconds as the baby reached her hand up in some kind of stretch, then hiccupped.

"She's pretty amazing huh?" Jim said to himself, allowing the recording to continue.

"We've had… some really bad news out here. Call me back when you can?" Jim said, raising the PADD so he could show his own face to the camera. He knew he looked like hell, but hoped once his mother saw she would know right away what was wrong.

He cut off the recording and sent it, then set the PADD down beside the bed.

"Grandma is gonna love you. She's probably going to pinch your cheeks, and make you dress up in denim dungarees and then show the pictures to all your friends when you're older," he said, stifling a yawn as he carefully positioned his arms to hold the baby securely. He looked down at her and knew he had to carry on. He couldn't let his loss consume him, as much as he wanted to. He just couldn't.

"I love you," he mumbled, tiredness finally overwhelming him and dragging him into a shallow sleep.

Jim was awoken what felt like a short while later by a very strange sensation.

Something warm, wet and tickly was attacking his left nipple.

He opened his eyes and chuckled at the baby trying to suckle from him.

"You're hungry huh? Well you won't get anything out of there I'm afraid," he said as he tried to pry her away. She let out a cry and he offered his little finger.

She didn't want that and continued to cry in the strange, high pitched newborn wail.

"Uh… Bones? She's hungry and cranky," Jim sighed into the comm. panel beside his bed.

Less than a minute later Nurse Chapel bustled into the room.

"Where's Bones?" he asked quickly.

"He's just taking a nap, he hasn't slept in over two days," she answered just as quickly. "I'll get her a bottle," she said, leaving the room again.

Jim tried to hold the squirming baby in a way that meant he didn't feel like she was going to wriggle away from him but he was struggling.

A small knock on the door caught his attention.

"Come in," he said, trying to turn the baby onto her back one handed whilst holding her head up with the other hand.

"This a bad time?" Uhura stood in the doorway.

"No, not at all, come on in," he said. She nodded and took a seat beside his bed, eyes immediately fixing on the baby.

"She won't… lay… still," Jim explained, trying to soothe the child.

"Can I hold her?" Uhura asked.

"Uh… sure," Jim said.

No crew members had yet held the baby, apart from Bones. To say Jim was feeling very protective of her would have been an understatement.

"Oh wow she's heavier than she looks," said Uhura as he handed her over. She continued to cry and wriggle. Uhura shushed her and started to rock her gently, holding her close to her chest.

"I'm just glad she doesn't look all squished anymore. I was worried I'd done something wrong," Jim mumbled.

Immediately the child relaxed, laying still and silent in Uhura's arms, staring up at her intently.

"Jim, she's beautiful, and she looks just like him," she gasped, a single tear slipping from her eye.

Jim felt the familiar lump rise in his throat and the burning behind his eyes.

"Don't," he whispered as a single tear escaped.

"I'm sorry," she whispered back, failing at holding back her own tears.

They sat in a somewhat awkward silence until Nurse Chapel returned with a bottle for the baby.

Jim let Uhura feed her, partially because he was too tired to even lift his arms.

"Will you do me favour?" he asked quietly.

"Anything," she nodded.

"Will you teach me to speak Vulcan? I… I always promised him that I would learn someday. I feel that I owe it to him," he said, amazed he hadn't choked up sobbing over those words.

"I can try, I'll do my best," she said with a weak smile. "So does she have a name yet?"

"Not just yet. I'm toying with something in my mind, but I don't know if Sp… if he would have hated it. I'm torn," he sighed. He hadn't been able to say his name. It was just too painful.

"What is it?" she asked, setting the now almost empty bottle down and shifting the baby so she was sitting more upright.

"Seren. Seren Amanda," Jim mumbled.

"Isn't that Vulcan?"

"No… it's Welsh. It's… from a song my grandfather used to… you know. Forget it, it's stupid."

"It's pretty. What does it mean?" she asked. She shifted the baby again and Jim opened his arms for Uhura to place her back on his chest.

She settled down immediately, nuzzling her face into his skin.

"Are you telling me that I've found a language that you can't speak?" Jim asked with a small smile.

"Well, it's not a widely used language and-"

"I'm kidding. Literally it means star. But in the sense I've always known it, it means… like… my light in the darkness."

Uhura's brown eyes filled with tears again.

"It's perfect."

"You think? I feel like he'd hate it," Jim shook his head.

"No. He wouldn't. Definitely not. And besides, he gave up his right to vote when he was stupid enough to get himself shot," she said with a sad smile.

"I guess you have a point," Jim mumbled.

"You look like hell," she sighed and he nodded.

"I know. I need real sleep and just… a lot of time to think, get my head around everything. Part of me still can't believe it. I keep pinching my leg but all I'm getting is a bruise," he sighed. Uhura took his hand; the sadness in his eyes was overwhelming.

"It will get better, I promise. We're all here for you," she said, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"You have no idea how much that means right now."

*~*~*PAGE BREAK*~*~*

Leonard McCoy stared at himself in the mirror and sighed.

_I let you down, Spock, I'm sorry. I'll do my best to watch over them for you but I know it isn't the same._

He paced his bedroom for what must have been the thousandth time.

_I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry._

He took another long swig from his bottle of Bourbon. It was almost empty, but he didn't feel drunk. It frustrated him, made him want to try harder to rid himself of the pain.

He downed the rest in one go, leaving himself spluttering for breath, the burn in his throat finally getting to him.

He sank down against the wall, letting the bottle fall with a clatter and roll away from him.

"Damn it Jim, I let you down," he muttered, burying his face in his hands.

The alcohol started to hit him hard and he could feel himself losing consciousness.

He allowed himself to pass out, not wanting to deal with the harsh reality of life any longer.

After chiming the door three times Carol decided to let herself in. It wasn't like Leonard not to answer, even if he'd been asleep he was a light enough sleeper that the door would have woken him.

"Len? You here?" she called as she entered the room.

The first thing she noticed was an empty Bourbon bottle discarded on the floor.

"Leonard?" she asked nervously, tiptoeing towards the bedroom.

She pressed the button to slide the door and found Leonard sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at his own hands as if completely fascinated by them.

"There you are! Are you alright?" she asked, rushing to his side.

"I am… surprisingly," he said in a strange voice.

"You don't sound alright, or look alright. Here, look at me?"

Leonard ignored her and stood up, walking over to the mirror and staring at himself. He touched his own face.

"Fascinating," he said quietly. His voice was neutral, and there was no trace of his Georgia accent.

"What are you… are you on drugs?" she asked, jumping up and standing behind him.

"I am not under the influence of any illegal substance, however this body is highly inebriated due to the excessive consumption of alcohol," he said, turning his hands over and over, staring at the front then the back, and then repeating every few seconds.

"Fascinating," he repeated.

Carol knew that voice.

She knew that neutral facial expression.

"Spock…?" she asked hesitantly.

McCoy turned around, his eyes meeting hers momentarily before he slumped to the floor.

Carol took a few seconds before deciding that the best thing to do would be to drag the Doctor into his bed and let him sleep off his drink. He'd clearly got himself in such a state over Spock that he'd got drunk and for some bizarre reason started acting like him.

Using all her strength she heaved the limp form of the Doctor onto his bed and pulled off his shoes, throwing his blanket over him and then sitting down beside him, her hand trailing down his arm and taking his clammy hand in her own.

She sighed and placed a small kiss on his cheek.

She cared for him deeply, but was beginning to worry that her affections were not reciprocated. In the three months they had been vaguely seeing each other they had never slept in the same bed. They hadn't had sex. They'd barely even held hands or had much more than a chaste kiss or friendly hug.

She was beginning to worry the Doctors affections were for someone else. He was all he ever seemed to talk about and now that he was back aboard the ship, no doubt all his time would be spent pursuing him.

James T. Kirk.

The comm. panel on the wall bleeped and Carol jumped up to answer the transmission.

"Uh… McCoy's quarters," she said hesitantly.

"Carol?" came Jim's voice, he sounded confused.

"Captain. How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Like I need a hell of a sedative," he sighed. "Bones there? I don't really want to ask Chapel, she'll only give me the prescribed amount."

"He's um… well he's asleep Jim. He drank himself silly," she admitted.

"Shit," Jim muttered. "OK, never mind. Why are you in his room anyway?"

"I'll get him to come and see you when he wakes up," said Carol shortly, cutting off the transmission.

She got back into bed beside the Doctor and pushed his hair back off his face.

"Don't tell me you've fallen for his charm too," she mumbled and she wrapped her arms around the sleeping man, holding him close.

*~*~*PAGE BREAK*~*~*

The next day was supposed to be Spock's funeral.

Jim decided to postpone it two more days. He still needed time to figure everything out in his mind, and he hadn't talked to his mother yet, or even notified Starfleet or Sarek of Spock's death.

To Bones' dismay Jim had checked himself out of sickbay, despite the fact he still was too protein deficient for the regenerator to be used to repair the wound in his abdomen, he insisted the stitches were fine and that he wanted to leave.

It was only after he left that he realised it meant going back to his quarters. And that he still was supposed to empty Spock's quarters, and appoint a new First Officer.

Rather than going to his room, he went up to the bridge.

"Keptin on ze bridge?" said Chekov as he entered, it came out as more of a question. Jim felt everyone's eyes burning into him. He self-consciously shifted the baby to hold her a little higher up and took a quick peek down at her. She was still fast asleep, another spot of drool soaking through his clean shirt.

"Off duty," Jim corrected, walking over to Chekov, doing everything in his power not to look at the empty science station where Spock used to sit.

"She is wery cute Sir," the young Russian said, jumping up to get a better look at the baby.

"She is. She's going to break some hearts when she's older, that's for sure," he said with a weak smile.

"You zink any boy would be foolish enough to get to stage vwhere he has to meet you?" Chekov asked with a raised eyebrow and a small smile.

"True. I will turn any boy who knocks my door looking for her into mush," he shrugged and Chekov smiled. Sulu cautiously approached.

"You have a minute?" Jim asked and Sulu nodded, following Jim into the turbolift.

"I'm promoting you to First Officer," Jim said immediately.

"Big surprise, Sir," Sulu nodded.

"Yeah, I know. The first thing we need to do together is talk to the Admiralty, let them know about… about Spock." The name burned in his mouth as he said it, making his stomach turn and a rush of unpleasant emotion rush through him.

"And we need to tell them about Khan too, that he's been neutralized."

Neutralized was an understatement.

Bones had taken almost worrying steps to ensure Khan couldn't use his own blood to come back to life. Jim hadn't asked details, but Sulu had told him it was 'pretty horrible'.

"Respectfully, Sir, it's only been three days. I mean, you've just had a _baby… _go and rest, let me deal with all of this unpleasant stuff, you just worry about you, and her," he said, reaching out to gently touch the point of the baby's ear. She stirred slightly but didn't wake.

"Are you sure? I at least want to talk to Archer with you," Jim said firmly.

"That's fine, but we'll do it from your quarters or something. No bridge or duty until McCoy clears you for it," Sulu said just as firmly. He looked exhausted and Jim wondered if he too was being kept awake by the memory of what happened down on the planet.

"OK. I'll try and rest some. Thank you, Hikaru," Jim said sincerely.

"I'm just so sorry man, I don't know how you're coping," he sighed.

"Neither do I," Jim shook his head.

"C'mere," Sulu stepped forward and hugged Jim tentatively. Jim was taken aback to begin with but hesitantly wrapped one arm around the shorter man in return.

"Go and get some sleep."

"Oh... yes Captain," Jim nodded and Sulu gave him a small smile as he hit the button to open the doors of the turbolift back onto the bridge.

Jim went down the few decks to his quarters alone with the baby. He felt his stomach churn as the doors opened onto the familiar corridor. He hadn't been here in months, but in some ways it felt as though he'd never left.

He walked slowly, step after painstaking step to his door, doing his absolute best not to look at the next door along and think about the person missing from that room.

He keyed in the code to open the door and stepped inside. Immediately the baby started to whimper and wriggle against him.

"Hey, shh, we're home now," he soothed, softly touching her hair.

His room hadn't changed. It hadn't been touched.

He walked through into the bedroom with the view of setting the baby down on the bed so he could rest his arms, she felt surprisingly heavy after a while.

He noticed one thing that was out of place in that room. The bed had been made, and there was a PADD leaning up against the pillow on the side of the bed he would always sleep on.

He picked it up and flicked it on.

_Though I find this incredibly morbid and unnecessary, I have been coerced by Doctor McCoy into producing this message for you Jim._

Jim's heart could have fallen out of his body at the sound of Spock's voice.

He quickly shut it off and set the baby down on the bed where she stared up at him with wide eyes.

"Why'd you have to go?" he whispered to the image of Spock on the screen of the PADD, paused halfway through what he was saying.

He bit the inside of his cheek and resumed the playback.

_As much as I dislike very much the thought of discussing my feelings, I do understand the importance of leaving a message such as this one, so I will attempt to convey everything effectively._

Jim closed his eyes. He didn't know if he should watch this, if he was ready to watch this.

_James Tiberius Kirk. Should anything happen to me, please know that you are the only being who has truly ever made me feel understood and that-_

Jim ended the playback. Breathing heavily he stuffed the PADD into his top drawer and collapsed back onto the bed, sobbing uncontrollably.

He finally let all his emotions out, everything he had been holding in.

Sensing his distress, the baby began to cry loudly and he quickly scooped her up.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he repeated as he held her close.

"Seren," he tried and she stared at him, holding her breath for a second before beginning to settle.

"So that's a winner in your book? I think it's pretty. See I was kinda hoping you'd be a boy, I had a couple of boy's names but no real girl ones," he babbled. He realised he still had tears streaming down his face and left her in the middle of the bed for a few seconds as he got up to go and fetch a tissue from the bathroom to wipe his face.

He almost doubled over in grief as his eyes locked onto the two toothbrushes in the holder.

He wiped his face, though it was pointless as wave after wave of fresh tears tumbled down his cheeks.

This was all so _unfair_.

Giving up on getting his emotions under control he aggressively jabbed the button to open the door into the next room and snatched one of Spock's blue science shirts from his closet before returning and curling up in bed, laying on his side curled around the baby, the shirt smelling strongly of Spock simultaneously soothing him and breaking his heart even more.

"I miss you," he mumbled into the shirt, inhaling deeply and then using it to wipe away a few tears from his face.

"I miss you."


	24. Chapter 24 - Dare To Hope

**~A/N~**

**I FEEL TERRIBLE! I keep kicking everyone's feels all over the place over poor Jim and his poor broken heart. This chapter is lighter (thank god because it was even depressing me to WRITE the last few parts) and there's some humour, some BoneseyCarolness and some hope, at long last!**

I do hope you enjoy this part... fans of vintage Trek will know where I'm going with this and it's been mentioned in the reviews... which BY THE WAY. Oh. My lord. Over a hundred and twenty reviews on the last two chapters. I cannot thank you all enough, I really can't. Thank you! :)  


**Chapter Twenty-Four – Dare to Hope**

_Spock inhaled sharply as he opened his eyes._

_He had been on the ship._

_He had been… in Leonard McCoy's body. Only for a few moments. But he was certain it was real._

_Perhaps if he focused hard, he could go back? Get a message to Jim? Tell him he loved him one last time, even though the words wouldn't be coming from his lips._

_He sat cross legged, plunging himself into meditation and then deeper, further into his mind, focusing hard on the few moments of blurred memory, trying to go back harder than he had ever tried to do anything before in his life._

_"Please… Jim. I'm trying."_

_"I'm trying."_

It was a rough night all around for everyone.

Jim was woken every two hours like clockwork by the baby, who was very insistent on being held and fussed over. He cursed Spock for passing on his damn genetic material and giving her the ability to count time in her mind, waking him up at exactly 56minutes past every other hour.

Bones woke up in a cold sweat, sprinting for his bathroom to vomit up everything he had poisoned his system with. He felt a little better when he felt a hand rubbing his back and a cold glass of water being pressed into his hand.

He sighed and sat up, pushing his hair off his face and spitting into the toilet before flushing it and taking a sip of his water.

"Are you alright?" Carol asked softly.

Bones noticed she was wearing his pyjamas. His pyjamas that he kept hidden under his pillow, the ones that only Jim knew about.

He loved how they looked on her, the sleeves too long and the shoulders too wide for her petite frame.

"M'fine darlin', jus' been a fool," he said, forcing himself to his feet and beginning to brush his teeth.

Her eyes stayed fixed on him as her fingers ran through her sleep-tousled blond hair. It was beginning to grow long, and he loved the way she would flick it off her shoulders.

"Didn't know you knew about my pyjamas," he said with a small smile.

"Well... I didn't want to sleep in my uniform, and they're just so warm and…" she trailed off, tugging at one of the sleeves.

"Jim commed for you, maybe six hours ago?"

"Yeah? Well he can wait a few more hours too," he sighed, taking her hand and leading her back into the bedroom. He pulled off his blue science shirt and threw it aside, leaving him in only his black undershirt and pants.

"What's… what's between you two?" the blonde asked and the Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Are you seriously asking me this question?"

"I think I am, yes," she said bluntly and he shrugged.

"He's like… my annoying little brother, who gets himself hurt over and over, gets himself killed, gets himself _pregnant_ and then gets his heart shattered into a billion pieces by that pointy eared asshole who just had to go ahead and bleed out on me before I could do anything to help him," he ranted.

"So you only think of him as a friend?" she asked and he took a deep breath.

"Is this because I haven't tried to… y'know… be physical with you this whole time?" he asked and she nodded. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a few moments to put together an answer in his mind.

"Jim is the only real friend I've ever had, like a best friend, someone who you can tell anything, ask anything, whatever. I've never thought of him in _that_ way, ever. Period. That isn't going to change. That'd be like… Jim marrying his daughter when she grew up. I mean I know he's from Iowa, but still," he said and Carol let out a relieved chuckle. He reached his hand up and cupped her face. She looked just as tired as everyone else on the ship, rocked by Spock's sudden death and the mess Jim was in.

"Darlin'… my ex wife hurt me so much that I've been afraid of lettin' anyone else get close enough to hurt me ever again," he admitted and she placed her hand over his.

"I'd never hurt you."

"I know, but she said the same all those years ago. We were young and stupid, and maybe I should'a known better, but I was a fool. When it fell apart, so did I. I didn't see Joanna for almost a year, and that _killed_ me. Signing those divorce papers nearly killed me. The closest I've felt since that time was the day it all happened with Khan. The ship was falling and I remember strapping you to that bed so you didn't fall anywhere, and thinking we were all goners. I… I felt sad because it meant I'd never get a chance to make anything of the way I was beginning to feel towards you," he said and she shoved his chest playfully, blushing pink.

"You're just saying that," she giggled.

"I'm not Carol. Darlin', you're so beautiful. I look at you and I see the chance of such an amazing future and I… damn it with Jim missing and everything the past few months my heads been all over the place and I guess I didn't think about the fact that I needed to actually make some kind of effort. I really like you Carol, and as much as that makes me want to turn and run, damn it I can't," he confessed, also beginning to blush.

Their lips met in a slow, tender kiss. Leonards lips tasted of his minty toothpaste, and Carol remembered that only a few minutes ago he'd been ill.

"Let's get some sleep, we both need it," she said, pulling his hand and leading him into the bed.

"You're burning up," she noted, pressing her hand against his forehead.

"That's generally what drinking does to me," he mumbled as he nuzzled his face into the pillow, closing his eyes.

"Here," she said, hands reaching down and unbuckling his pants. His eyes opened wide and he stared at her.

She giggled at the shocked expression on his face.

"No, silly, I'm not trying to sexually harass you, just help you keep cool," she said with a smile.

He stole another kiss.

"See now I know sexual harassment when I see it darlin', and I think I'm gonna have to write you up on this one," he smirked.

"Oh really?" she asked.

"M'afraid so," he nodded.

"Oh now that's a shame, I always heard spanking was a good punishment," she said, completely deadpan. His eyes widened comically and she laughed, throwing her head back and grabbing him in a hug.

"You… don't mess with me. I'm old and tired and still maybe a little drunk," he whined, wriggling his legs and kicking his pants out of the bed, closely followed by his black undershirt.

"You're not _that_ old, I mean you've got maybe like a few more years before I pack you off to the old folks home and trade you in for a younger model," she winked and he frowned and tickled her sides in response, causing her to laugh again.

He wrapped his arms around her and she cuddled close, the feeling of his slow breathing on her neck soothing her as she drifted back towards sleep. Leonard felt strange, like he was developing some kind of cold or flu but he ignored it and contented himself with the fruity scent of Carol's hair, placing a gentle kiss on her neck and sneaking from the bed to go and check on Joanna.

Once he was happy that she was safe and sound asleep in her room he crept back in and once again wrapped his arms around Carol, allowing himself to actually feel slightly excited for the future.

*~*~*PAGE BREAK*~*~*

In the morning he was sure to be more affectionate towards the woman who had shared his bed, and as much as his body was telling him to stay in the bed and see where the morning took them, he knew he had to go and check on Jim.

After a lengthy cuddling session, followed by a small pillowfight and replicated pancakes with both Carol and Joanna, Bones got himself ready and headed down to see Jim. He stopped off in sickbay to give himself a shot of hangover cure just for good measure.

Jim answered the door looking every inch the new parent. He had a burp rag on his shoulder, a stain that looked suspiciously like spit-up on his shirt and telltale dark circles under his eyes.

"She smells bad," he said, holding her up to the Doctor who caught a whiff and recoiled.

"The joys of being a Daddy," he said, stepping past Jim into the room.

"Can you… can you-"

"Change her? No. Oh no. That's _your_ job."

"But Bones I-"

"No! You should have thought of this before you got yourself knocked up! Babies poop Jim, and it stinks somethin' terrible. Just gotta deal with it and take comfort in the fact that when you're old an' decrepit, she'll be cleanin' up your poop in return," he said with a small chuckle.

Jim didn't look happy at all, in fact he looked like he could cry at any moment.

"Let's give her a bath, kid," Bones sighed. "I'll show you how."

* * *

"Why? Why Bones? Why doesn't she stop crying?" Jim asked as he fastened the diaper.

"Because she's a baby, Jim. That's what babies _do_. I didn't sleep for two _years_ when Joanna came along. And damn the only reason I started sleeping then is because my wife threw me out of the house! Plus she's just had her first bath, babies never like that and by the way she fought when you put her in that water, especially not Vulcan babies."

Jim sighed exasperatedly as he struggled with the tiny item of baby clothing.

"Stop… making this… more difficult," he complained as the baby wriggled and screamed.

"Come on, please, I gotta put your clothes on," he pleaded.

"She might have gas."

"She doesn't. I already burped her like four times this morning."

"Yeah but she might have to again, she is yours Jim, and you burp a hell of a lot, like seriously I think you're a danger to the Ozone layer."

Jim snorted indignantly and tried to hold both the babies thrashing legs with one hand whilst fastening her miniscule yellow babygrow with the other.

"Come on, damn fiddy little buttons!"

"I'll do it if you want me to-"

"No. Bones I have to learn. I mean, if you hadn't been here I would have probably washed her with my own shower stuff. I need to learn about babies," Jim said stubbornly.

"OK well try standing her up on her feet," Bones suggested.

Jim carefully lifted her up and stood her on her feet, holding her under the arms.

She looked at him curiously, her crying stopping immediately.

"See, she just doesn't like being on her back like that. Babies like to see everything that's going on in the room around them."

"Well that's stupid. How am I supposed to ever sleep if I have to hold her up all the time?" he asked.

"I already told you, kiss goodbye to any sleep for the foreseeable future," Bones winked. "So you named her huh? Uhura told me but she didn't say what you settled on."

"Seren Amanda," Jim said quietly.

"Take it that means something in some language somewhere? Is it Vulcan?"

"No. It's… stupid. I don't know if I'm a hundred percent sure yet," Jim sighed.

"It's a really nice name Jim, and it's unique too, just like her."

Jim mumbled a response before taking a deep breath. "This'd be so much easier if he was here," he sighed.

"I know kid, I know. You're doing great so far," Bones said, putting his hand on Jim's shoulder.

"But it's only been a few days… and I've spent the whole time pretty much in sickbay sat on my butt doing nothing. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I go back on duty and stuff."

"Well, you won't be doin' that for a while so don't think about it."

Jim was silent for a few seconds before he asked his next question.

"Why was Carol in your room yesterday?" he asked, smirking slightly at the faint pink blush appearing on Leonards cheeks.

"Oh. _Oh_. I get it."

"Can it. She's a lovely lady, we were just spendin' some time together…"

"Oh like some time together like naked and writhing around?"

"No. We haven't… we haven't you know… yet."

"How long have you been seeing her?" Jim asked and Bones blushed a brighter red.

"Three months, give or take," he mumbled and Jim gasped theatrically.

"Three months? _Three_ months? Dude. You need to go and seal the deal. Like right now, Captain's orders, go and make sweet sweet love to that woman!"

"I know. It's not easy alright! After everything with Jocelyn I'm still a bit-"

Bones was cut off by Jim's communications panel signalling an incoming video call.

"I'll leave you to that," Bones said, quickly leaving before Jim could ask him any more questions about Carol.

Jim connected the call and perched on the edge of his bed, scooping Seren up into his arms.

"How you holding up, Son?" Archer's voice was slightly ahead of the visual side of the transmission. His face finally appeared on the screen. He was wearing his civilian clothes and looked less tired than the last time Jim had seen him.

"I'm hanging in there," Jim nodded. He rolled Seren's sleeves down over her hands and then back up again, anything to keep his hands busy.

"You look like hell."

"Thanks, it's great to see you too," Jim said. He enjoyed the relationship he had with Archer. He didn't feel the need for formalities, and Archer never pressed for them.

"Hold her up a little?" the older man asked and Jim held Seren higher so he could see her.

"She's cute. Got his ears," he said with a sad smile.

"First Officer Sulu informed me about Spock. I'm sorry kid, anything you need just let me know," he said sincerely.

"Thank you Sir. Honestly, I just need to get back to work as soon as I can, get some normality after everything."

"I can understand. Normality helps after loss, the routine brings some comfort and some distraction, but don't forget about yourself. It's going to take some time to get over it. I informed Spock's father, I didn't want you to have to do that. I hope you don't mind," Archer said. The transmission was patchy and the visual kept freezing but Jim heard everything he said.

"Thank you. I'll make sure I contact him soon, I want him to see her."

"She really is beautiful. Let's just hope she doesn't grow up to look like him and act like you huh?" Archer said with a small smile.

"I hope not. One idiot who acts like me is enough."

Archer was silent for a long while, and the two men just stared at each other through the video link.

Jim suddenly realised that he recognised the room behind Archer. He recognised it all too well.

"Are you… are you in my house Sir?" Jim asked and Archer chuckled.

"I might be."

Jim didn't get to say another word as his mother appeared alongside Archer on the screen.

"Mom," he said flatly as he put two and two together. "Oh… god… ew, _ew_!" he groaned.

"I'm gonna go, this has just… weirded me out way too much," Jim said, leaning to hit the button to cut off the connection.

"Jimmy wait!" his mother ordered and he sighed.

"We were just having coffee, nothing else, and talking about you and how relieved we both are that you and the baby are safe," Archer argued.

"You went all the way to Iowa… for coffee?" Jim raised an eyebrow in a way that was so Spock-esque that it physically hurt him.

Winona and Archer both paused. They knew they were caught out.

"I'll give you a call in a few weeks, I need to get my head straight, thanks for adding this to my giant pile of shit to deal with," Jim sighed, cutting off the comm. and setting the baby down on the bed on her back.

"You hungry again yet? Huh?" he asked, each of his hands finding a tiny foot to hold. She kicked at him, a strange expression on her face.

"What? What's that look?" he asked, unable to help himself from smiling.

She really was just… amazing. Her tiny fingers and toes, the way her eyes lit up when she'd look at him, and weirdly when she'd look at Bones, her pointed ears which were so much like…

_Stop_.

He couldn't allow himself to get worked up again, to get hysterical. He needed to stay strong. Spock wouldn't have wanted him to fall apart, he would have told him it was completely _illogical_.

He leaned down, ignoring the way his abdominal muscles protested against the movement, and kissed her forehead over and over again. He smiled as he felt her two tiny hands on either side of his face, grabbing at his facial hair. He really should shave, his beard was getting out hand and he knew it.

"I'm gonna go and get rid of this ugly thing, can you stay here for me?" he asked. He had been trying not to use a baby voice to talk to her, but it was becoming more and more difficult.

The door chime rang and he picked her back up, walking over to the door to unlock it. He'd started keeping the manual lock on it as he didn't want Bones to be able to just barge in whenever he wanted.

"Scotty!" he smiled as he saw the engineer standing there.

"I brought a little somethin' for the both of ye'," he said, holding up his two hands. In one there was a small cuddly white rabbit toy, in the other there was… Scotch.

"Did you read my mind or something? Come on in, I was just about to shave this crap off my face and then I'll be right out. Could you uh… hold her for me?" Jim asked and Scotty looked horrified.

"Me?! Jim… I've never held such a wee baby, I'm scared I might squash her, man!" he said and Jim chuckled.

"I was terrified too to start with, but she's a lot tougher than she looks, you just gotta make sure you support her head and she'll do the rest," he said and Scotty put the bottle and the toy down on the coffee table.

"Well I cannae deny you yer' shave, you look like yer' goin to the Arctic or somethin' with a face like that," Scotty teased.

"I know. It's itchy as hell too. Alright here take her from me," said Jim, offering the baby towards the Engineer who put his arms up, clumsily accepting the baby who immediately began to wriggle and cry.

"Oh no no, it's Uncle Scotty! Don't cry," Jim said as Scotty tried to hand her back to him.

"Nah she'll be ok, just hold her tight because she wriggles like hell," Jim said, leaving a terrified Scotty holding the crying baby.

Deciding it would be safer if he sat down, Scotty took a seat on the couch, sitting the baby on his lap and supporting her head so she was sitting in a more upright position.

She looked up at him with wide eyes, her crying starting to stop.

"Uh… hi?" he offered.

"You're a little cutie," he said with a nervous smile, gently poking her chest with one finger. She grabbed for his finger and he let her hold it.

A few minutes later Jim reappeared, clean shaven and looking very _young_ without the facial hair. His shirt was missing and he was rummaging around for a fresh one. Sometimes it was very easy to forget that Jim was not even twenty-five yet.

Scotty couldn't help but notice the clean white bandage wrapped tightly around his abdomen, and the fact that you could see nearly every bone in his ribcage. The muscular, athletic Jim that he'd seen in his swimwear at Sulu's beach house before leaving Earth was well and truly a thing of the past, replaced by this skinny shadow of his former self.

"Hard to believe a week ago she was in my belly huh?" Jim said as Scotty quickly looked back down at the baby.

"You'd never believe it," Scotty agreed. Jim found a grey t-shirt and pulled it over his head, sitting down on the couch next to his friend.

"Thanks for her bunny, she doesn't have anything like that yet… I… yeah. Thanks," Jim mumbled shyly.

"It's nothin', I'll sweet-talk the replicator into makin' her a whole barnyard of animals," Scotty smiled.

The unspoken question hung in the air.

Scotty didn't want to ask it, and Jim didn't want to answer it, but it was inevitable.

"How're," Scotty cleared his throat "How're you holdin' up?"

"Up and down. I'm keeping it together though for the most part. Last night I lost it a little bit and kinda' made a nest of his clothes to sleep in… but… yeah," Jim blushed slightly.

"I know you're gonna-"

Scotty was cut off by a voice echoing through the room.

"Sulu to Kirk."

"Just a second Scotty, I'm sure this isn't anything serious," Jim said, heaving himself to his feet and going to the comm. panel.

"Go ahead."

"Sir… Ambassador… Spock is asking to speak with you," Sulu said awkwardly.

"Oh wow… uh," Jim felt like he'd been punched in the chest. He hadn't thought about the fact that Spock's older counterpart was still out there alive, and he could very well end up speaking to him.

"You could talk in the other room Jim? I'll hold her for you," Scotty offered.

Jim thought for a few seconds.

"No that's alright, I'll take her," he said.

"Patch him through to my quarters Mr. Sulu," Jim said and then ended the connection with the bridge.

The screen in Jim's living room came to life and Spock's face appeared, strangely, he was facing away from the camera.

"I am aware of the death of my counterpart Jim. I must extend my sincere condolences," he said.

Jim and Scotty exchanged a strange look.

"Uhh.. Ambassador, why are you facing the wrong way?" Jim asked.

"I apologise, I merely thought that my face may serve as an emotional trigger. I can turn around if you wish?"

"Yeah. I feel kind of rude talking to the back of your head," Jim said, looking down at the floor as the ambassador turned his face.

"A child," he said, he sounded surprised.

"Your… his child," Jim said, turning her a little so he could see her face.

"And yours?"

"Yep," Jim nodded, keeping his eyes down and trying to keep control over the lump in his throat.

"Fascinating. I trust there is some kind of interesting and long-winded story to explain. One day, you will have to tell me."

There was a long pause.

"Mr Sulu tells me you have something important to discuss?" Jim asked, finally looking up and meeting Spock's eyes.

"I do. Jim there is not much time. I believe the life of another aboard your ship could be in danger."

"Who? How?" Jim asked.

"In my timeline, it was me and not my Kirk who entered the warp reactor after the confrontation with Khan. I was killed by the radiation, but was able to transfer my Katra, my living spirit, into the last living being that I physically touched. In my case that was Doctor McCoy. My body was regenerated by a device I had been working on, it was called the Genesis device and it was used to-"

"The planet thingy!" Scotty interrupted excitedly.

"Yes, Mr Scott. Precisely."

"So what you're saying is… the last person Spock touched could be carrying his… soul? I don't understand?" Jim said, screwing up his face.

"This cannot be sustained, Jim. Nobody can carry more than their own Katra for any kind of extended period of time, it causes enormous damage to their mind and will eventually kill them. Do you know who could be in possession of your Spock's Katra?"

"Me. Or Bones," Jim said, remembering painfully the moment on the planet where Spock's life ebbed out of him, his eyes turning blank and-

"You do not have much time. You must travel to the co-ordinates I have provided to Mr. Chekov. I will explain the rest of the process nearer to the time so that you do not forget any details. You may have a chance to bring him back to you," he said and Jim dared to hope, for just one second, that what Spock's counterpart was saying could be possible.

He had so many questions that his brain hurt.

"I must go, Jim, but I will contact you again very soon. From your current position it will take you almost three weeks to reach the location, by this point it could be bordering on too late for the mind of the person carrying the Katra, this is highly risky and-"

"I'll do it. Anything. Whatever it takes," Jim interrupted.

Spock offered him a small smile, dark eyes glinting.

"I thought that would be the case, old friend."


	25. Chapter 25 - Only You

**~A/N~**

**I'M SO SORRY THAT IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I UPDATED! Ok. Phew. Now that i've got that off my chest! I've had a helluva' week and literally ZERO time to write, so please excuse my tardiness. On the upside this is a pretty long-ass chapter... so I hope that at least kind of makes up for it. **

**Warnings for this chapter? Uh. Fluff. Cuteness. Loveliness. Happiness. **

**Nuff said? ;)**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Five - Only You**

Jim ran.

He raced through corridors, skidded around corners and cursed at the damn turbolift to go _faster_.

He burst out of the lift onto the bridge and almost knocked poor Chekov flying.

"Chekov! Sorry," he exclaimed, offering him an arm to stabilise himself.

"Keptin! If my calculations are correct sir-"

"The location from the other Spock, is he seriously suggesting we-"

"Yes sir! And zat zere is requirement for us to _use_ zis dewice sir!"

"Is it finished?" Jim asked and Chekov shook his head.

"It is in experimental stages sir, Commander Spock was-"

Jim held up his hand and Chekov silenced.

"Can you finish it?"

Chekov's eyes grew wide.

"I am not a scientist like him sir, I would need his notes and help from ze science teams and-"

"Done. Anything you need, it's authorised."

The bridge fell silent. The sheer intensity of Jim's determination was overwhelming to everyone.

After a few moments the silence was broken.

"Captain? The chances of this working aren't great," Uhura said gently.

He knew that. He knew he needed to steel himself to the fact this could all go horribly wrong, or just not work at all to begin with.

"Spock's notes are probably in Vulcan, Lieutenant you're relieved from the bridge for the time being to translate them for Mr Chekov and the science teams," he said, not coldly, but not warmly either. It reminder her of the time when they had pursued Khan to Quo'nos and he had refused to accept they could still be being pursued by Klingons.

"Mr Chekov, open a ship-wide channel," Jim said, sitting down in the Captain's chair and flexing his fingers.

The familiar communications tone sounded and Chekov nodded to him.

"Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is Captain James T. Kirk, back in my chair where I belong." He paused. He knew he needed to address some things, and some of the curiosity surrounding his return to the ship.

"As you're probably already aware, in the months I was missing I was being held captive by the fugitive Khan Noonien Singh, who has now been neutralised. As you're probably also aware from the rumours flying around, yes, we have a new youngest member of our crew."

Jim could feel everyone's eyes on the bridge burning into him as he spoke.

"Her name is Seren Amanda Kirk, and yes, she's mine and Spock's child. Anyone who wants to know how that happened, please drop by medical and see Doctor McCoy, and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to draw you a diagram." Jim noticed Sulu and Chekov snigger at his words. He allowed himself a small smile.

"We lost Spock as he tried to protect us, but we've been given a chance to get him back. The odds are slim, and it's a three week trip to get us to the location, but we're going and we're going to try. All I ask is for everyone to continue going about your duties as you have been so well without me here."

Jim didn't notice, but Uhura teared up at his words.

They were so eerily similar to what Spock said when Vulcan had been destroyed, when he had lost everything.

_I need… I need everyone to continue performing admirably._

"Thanks for your time, oh, and if anyone has any real genuine Chocolate left that isn't out of the replicator I'll pay you some serious money for that! Kirk out." He jabbed the button to cut off the transmission and sank down slightly into his chair.

"Mr Sulu, are we at maximum speed?"

"Yes Sir," he nodded.

"OK, well seeing as I'm not allowed to be up here, I'm gonna run away back to my quarters before Bones finds me and jams a hypospray up my ass," Jim said, getting out of the chair and turning to leave. "Plus I left Seren with Scotty and I think he was about to have an emotional breakdown."

"You left your baby with Scotty?!" Uhura demanded.

"What? He's responsible!" Jim protested. "Ok... maybe not the _most_ responsible, but she's sleeping, nothing could have gone wrong."

Jim got back into the turbolift and hit the button to go back down to his quarters, groaning with annoyance as it stopped a few decks short so someone else could get on.

He looked up guiltily as Bones stepped in.

"Bones! I know I'm meant to be resting but you'll never believe it, the other Spock said that there might be a way we can-" Jim stopped talking as he saw the expression on the Doctors face.

"Are you alright?" Jim asked quickly.

"I am."

"What's…"Jim was cut off as the Doctor pushed him into the wall, both his hands on either side of his face. He kissed him hard for a few agonisingly long seconds, Jim far too shocked to react or push him away.

"James. T'hy'la. I do not have much time, I am unable to-"

"Spock?" Jim breathed.

"My-"

"I know. You… other you told me. We're going to try and bring you back."

Bones… Spock… stared at Jim for a long moment, his brown eyes delving into Jim's blue ones, full of concern and care.

"You require recovery, you are in poor physical condition and your emotional state-"

"To hell with my physical condition, Spock! I need to get you back, and in your own body, because I refuse to have angry 'how dare you die on me' sex with you in Bones' body!"

McCoy's lips turned up in a small smirk.

"I am most relived your sense of humour remains firmly intact, despite the challenges of recent times."

"In all seriousness though, you need to like… not mess up Bones' mind. I can't lose…" Jim paused and took a deep breath. "I can't lose you both if this doesn't work."

"I am aware of the risks. I must apologise, I knew I-" He stopped speaking abruptly and crumpled to the floor before Jim could catch him.

"Bones? Spock? One of you wake up!" he said firmly, shaking the Doctor's shoulder roughly.

His eyes snapped open and he looked up at Jim in surprise.

"Jim? The hell happened?!" he demanded, scrambling to get to his feet.

"Bones. Is that you?" Jim asked.

"Of course it's me you dumbass hick! I was in my quarters and now I'm…" he looked around, confused for a moment.

"Spock is in your body," Jim blurted out.

"Uh… what?"

"Spock… you're carrying his… spirit," Jim trailed off weakly.

McCoy's face softened.

"Jim, do you want to come to medical with me?" he asked gently, reaching out and taking hold of Jim's upper arm.

"No! Bones I'm not going crazy, I'm serious here! The other Spock told me, alternate universe Spock!" Jim protested, shaking off the Doctor's hand.

After a few moments of what seemed to be very deep thoughts, Bones opened his mouth and then closed it again.

He thought for a few moments more.

"I've been getting these… blanks. Normally only a few seconds at a time, but I've been finding myself in places I can't remember going to," he admitted.

"That's him taking over. He er... well… just took over then," Jim said awkwardly and Bones narrowed his eyes.

"Don't tell me-"

"Only a kiss Bones, no more than we've already done," Jim said with a small smirk as the lift stopped and they both got out.

"Hey! Tequila and I don't get on!" the Doctor cringed as he remembered the night he and Jim had got blind drunk during their academy days and had ended up kissing, both quickly realising they didn't want to and brushing it off as a stupid drunken error.

"I was lookin' for you, I needed to ask you two things," McCoy continued as they walked down the hallway towards Jim's room.

"Alright go for it."

"The first is a favour… could you… could Joanna stay with you tonight?" he asked and Jim smirked.

"Oh yeah? You planning on getting your freak on with Carol?" he asked and Bones glared at him with a look that said 'I will hypo you in the eyeball'. Jim smiled and nodded.

"Yeah of course she can, we can have like a slumber party and watch movies and eat popcorn. It'll be great, I really missed her when I was uh… away," Jim finished lamely. He and Bones had barely spoken about Jim's time in Khan's captivity, nor did they want to. They both knew that he was a Doctor, not a psychiatrist, and that Jim could figure it all out by himself. Eventually.

"Second thing… I need you to come down to medical, and bring little'un with you too. I need to get those damn stitches out of your skin and fix you up properly now you've had a few days to get some strength back, and she needs her first round of vaccinations so-"

"No! Bones you can't jab needles in my baby, you just can't! It's messed up," Jim protested.

"Oh alright then, I'll just let her catch whatever god-awful disease could be lurking out here!" he said and Jim sighed.

"Alright alright."

"Good. Whenever you want when I'm on duty. I want to try and run a couple of tests too, see if I can figure out how that womb of yours is working, because theoretically, it shouldn't," Bones said and Jim scratched the back of his head and sighed.

The last thing he wanted was Bones poking and prodding him, especially now that he knew Spock's consciousness was flitting in and out.

They reached Jim's door and he keyed in the code, Bones following him into the room. He found Scotty slouching on the couch where he'd left him, Seren fast asleep on his chest laying on her front, a small puddle of drool forming on his shirt.

"I could get used this whole baby thing y'know, it's kinda nice," he smiled as Jim gently ruffled up her hair which was already sticking up at all angles.

"It is right? And when she grabs my finger it's like… I don't know, my heart does this little… somersault," Jim smiled weakly.

"Can I hold her?" Bones asked and Jim nodded, carefully lifting her from Scotty and handing her over to Bones. She stirred but didn't seem to wake up. Grabbing a tiny fistful of blue shirt, she got comfortable in his arms with a small yawn.

"She really is the prettiest little thing," Bones said surprisingly softly.

"Oh would ya look at tha'! The grumpiest man on the whole ship turned to putty by this little darlin'!" Scotty teased and Bones glared at him.

"I'm a little worried you might try and sneak her out under your shirt, Bones."

"Nah. I don't want any more of these, I'm done with diapers for one lifetime," he shook his head.

"Oh but what are you going to do if Carol wants Bonsey babies?" Jim teased and Scotty looked confused.

"Am I missin' somethin' here?" he asked and Bones glared.

"No? Alrighty then! Well I'll be off," he said awkwardly, slipping from the room after a mumbled goodbye from Jim.

Bones handed the baby back over to Jim, ordering him to get some rest because he 'looked like crap, god damn it', and then leaving him alone with the promise of sending Joanna over later.

Jim settled Seren in her crib beside his bed. As much as he didn't like putting her in there, Bones had told him off several times about sleeping with her in the bed with him. He knew it wasn't the smartest thing to do, but he always struggled to fall asleep alone.

He sighed and lay down, pulling Spock's blue shirt from under his pillow and holding it close to his chest.

"I'll do whatever it takes, Spock. I can't let you go," he mumbled, closing his eyes and breathing in the weak scent that remained on the shirt.

* * *

The next three weeks were the slowest and most agonising of Jim's life.

He would hit huge emotional crashes where he would spend hours hysterical over what would happen if they were unable to bring Spock back, and as suddenly as the crash would start, it would be over and he'd be fine again.

McCoy had been forced to clear him for light duty, as the amount of time Jim was spending in his room was certainly not helping with his state of mind.

Physically, Jim was still something of a mess. Everyone contributed to practically forcing him to eat three meals a day, and to remember to shower and shave. Incredibly he took impeccable care of the baby though, who was growing at a somewhat alarming rate and doing things far ahead of what she should be doing for a one month old.

Now weighing in at a few ounces over ten pounds, she no longer needed her head to be supported when she was being held, and her face had become far more expressive. Bones had a feeling she wasn't far off smiling, but he didn't want to tell Jim in case he was wrong and disappointed him.

Spock's visits to McCoy's consciousness were irregular and short, leaving him with a pounding headache and fever to go along with his cold-like symptoms he'd been experiencing for the last month.

"Thanks darlin'," he mumbled as Carol handed him a bowl of steaming hot chicken soup and then pulled the blankets up higher around him.

"No problem, I just want you to get better. Are you sure nothing you've tried has worked?" she asked as he pushed his hair back off his sweaty forehead.

"Nothin'… I don't think it's a cold, I think it's to do with… y'know," he trailed off.

He'd had to tell Carol about Spock. She'd initially looked at him like he had escaped from an asylum, but after speaking to Jim to verify the story, had accepted it.

"Well eat your soup and keep warm anyway, it won't do you any harm," she said with a small smile.

"You take such good care of me, Nurse Carol," he smirked, testing the temperature of the soup and deciding it was still too hot.

"Oh shut up Len!" she giggled, playfully pretending to slap his face.

"Or what?" he tested, feeling his smirk widen.

"Or I'll… put that spoon where the sun doesn't shine!"

"We're in space, darlin', the sun doesn't shine anywhere," he pointed out.

She thought for a second and then poked out her tongue in response, causing him to let out a slight chuckle and then take a spoonful of the soup.

"Good comeback."

"Don't you have soup to be eating?" she asked as she stood up and unfastened her silky robe, allowing it to fall to the floor and pool around her ankles.

She wandered around naked for a few minutes, looking for uniform and then for her boots.

He couldn't help but stare, completely mesmerised by her body. She noticed and smirked before pulling on her uniform, noticeably without anything underneath it.

"You forgettin' something?" he asked.

"Oh… uh. No," she winked and his jaw could have hit the floor. She knew full well what she was doing, by letting him spend all day thinking of her walking around in her _very_ short blue dress with nothing at all underneath it.

"You are an evil, evil woman," he said as he set down the empty soup bowl and grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her onto the bed and grabbing her around the waist, holding her close. She stayed there for a few moments, leaning her head back against his chest.

"I'll see you later babe," she said at last, wriggling away from his grasp and pecking him on the cheek before leaving the room. He heard her talking to Joanna in the living area and sighed. He was so glad the two of them got along, that she accepted Joanna and treated her as if she was her own child.

"Daddy what time do you have to go to work?" Joanna asked, peeking her head around the door.

"Today is my day off darlin', so we can stay here all day," he said with a smile as she bounded over to the bed and jumped up to join him.

"Can we go and see Uncle Jim?" she asked and he sighed.

"Don't you ever want to spend any time with just me? Huh? It's always Uncle Jim. Is he your favourite?" he asked, beginning to braid her long blonde hair for her.

"No. Baby kitty is my favourite," she said with a smile.

"She's everyone's favourite," he smiled as she handed him the PADD containing all her books.

* * *

Jim glanced at the clock and noticed it was already past eight. He wondered why Seren wasn't crying yet, usually she'd start to cry at _exactly_ fifty-six minutes past seven, he'd feed her and change her and then she'd settle down. But today she was quiet.

He sat up and peeked over into the edge of the crib to find her staring up at him.

"Well good morning," he smiled, reaching down to ruffle up her hair fondly.

"You look so good in the morning, just like me with your hair sticking up everywhere," he said as he carefully lifted her out and stood her on his lap.

She made a small gurgling sound.

"Yep. We are one good looking family," he nodded to her, holding her with one arm while he programmed the replicator to make her bottle with the other hand.

As he fed her he became all too aware of how quiet the ship had become since they had dropped out of warp.

Not far from their location the Genesis device was doing its work on the desolate piece of drifting rock, turning it into a lush green planet with a breathable atmosphere. As instructed by Spock Prime, Spock's body had been sent down to the surface in a casket.

Jim had kept as far away from the whole process as possible.

He found the whole prospect of the planet healing Spock's ruined body completely… unimaginable. He didn't want to let himself believe it could be possible.

He knew there was maybe only one more day before the process was complete, possibly as little as a few hours. His heart was pounding at what he was sure was a dangerous rate.

"Mr Chekov, what's our status?" he asked into his communicator.

"Dewice still operational Keptin, but no life signs werified yet Sir," he said. He sounded determined, but still… glum. Nobody held high hopes for the experimental device working, but Jim knew they had to try.

A loud shriek drew his attention back to the now squirming baby in his arms.

"Uh oh! You all done with this?" he asked, taking the empty bottle from her.

She flapped her arms a little and stared at him, reaching her hand towards his face.

"You're obsessed with my face," he grinned, leaning a little closer so she could reach and touch him.

He felt a strange warmth coming from her hand and immediately pressed his hand to her forehead to check if she had a fever.

Satisfied that she didn't, he took her hand and put it back against his forehead. It still felt overly warm.

"You ok? Hmm?" he asked.

_I am well._

"Holy motherfucking shit!" he gasped, pulling away and breaking the contact between her hand and his face.

"Uh… I mean…. uh holy monstertrucking shoot," he corrected quickly. He'd been trying not to swear in front of her, he had no idea if Vulcan babies remembered everything from birth or anything crazy like that.

"Are you… are you trying to meld with me?" he asked, looking at her carefully. She looked up at him innocently, drooling a little.

"No you aren't. I'm just going a little bit crazy because I miss your other Daddy like so much it's going to kill me," he sighed, snatching up a cloth to wipe the drool off her chin.

Jim stood up slowly and walked over to the viewing portal, settling into the chair he had near it and looking out at the endless expanse of stars before him.

_This has to work, Spock. I'm falling apart here, and every time I look at her I see you and I just… I can't carry on like this._

He didn't know when he started crying.

He didn't notice when he fell asleep leaning back in the chair with the baby in his lap.

He did however notice when Bones burst into his room, yelling at him to get ready, that they were going to get Spock back.

"I'll take good care of her Jim, I promise," said Uhura, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I trust you," he nodded.

"Just bring everyone back in one piece," she said with a faint smile. He nodded. He was doing his best not to throw up everywhere.

It had been decided that only Jim and Bones were to go to the planets surface, they had no guarantees about how safe it would be, and didn't want to risk anyone else's safety.

"She's going to need another bottle at-"

"You already told me ten times, four minutes to the hour, and the next ones at two. You already told me. Babies aren't that difficult anyway, if they cry you either feed them, change them or make a fuss over them," she shrugged.

"You got a lot to learn about kids," Bones said gruffly as he handed a small box to Jim who swallowed hard.

"Scotty. Send us down," Jim said and Uhura stepped back as they were transported to the planets surface in the same location as they had put Spock.

Jim was blank for a good few moments, overwhelmed by the feeling of fresh air on his skin and the brightness of… the green. Plants were strange. He was getting so used to the grey metallic interior of the starship.

"Well, he's breathin', got a heartbeat and a good steady one at that," Bones' voice dragged him back to reality.

"Jim… he's… he's fine. Physically," Bones said as Jim knelt beside him next to Spock who was still in his damn box.

"Lets move him and then we'll… do what we have to do to you," Jim said, setting down the box he was so afraid of and helping Bones to move Spock's heavy and limp, but no longer lifeless form.

Jim still didn't dare to hope this could work. The riskiest part was still to come, and Spock having a pulse didn't make him alive in the slightest.

His face was still deathly pale, cheeks tinged with the slightest hint of green. His eyes were closed and he looked… peaceful.

"Are we making a mistake?" Jim asked.

"Are you… serious?! Jim. Jim this should work, and I'm willing to take the risk. I trust you, and I know how much you need him back," Bones said sincerely.

"Damn it Bones," Jim breathed as he finally dared to touch Spock's face, pushing his hair back gently off his forehead. His skin was warm and slightly clammy.

_You have to try._

_You have to._

"I'm ready when you are, kid," Bones said, the usual gruff tone returning to his voice.

Jim turned around and sighed at Bones' shirtless state, the dreaded box on the floor open and the defibulator staring up at him.

For Spock's Katra to leave McCoy's body… McCoy had to be technically dead.

"Damn it Bones! I still don't feel good about this!" Jim complained as Bones talked him again through how to use it, and how long to wait before shocking him back to life.

"You think I feel good about this? Huh? God damn it Jim I don't want to do this any more than you do, but you're a fuckin' mess without this pointy-eared asshole and you need to snap out of it!" he yelled.

Jim set his jaw and nodded.

Bones was right.

He needed to snap out of it.

"Okay. Okay. You ready?" he breathed.

Bones nodded and lay down on his back beside Spock.

"Now remember. Count to ten, then zap me again. If it doesn't work, another ten and then again, but no more than five times. If that's still not working, get us back to the ship and someone in medical will try and figure out what to do with me," he said and Jim nodded.

"Alright, put the pads where I told ya' kid," he ordered.

With slightly trembling hands Jim positioned the machine.

"Now make sure you aren't touchin' me anywhere and hit the red button," Bones instructed.

Jim stared him in the eye for a few seconds, holding the control in his increasingly sweaty hand.

Bones snatched it from him and with a weak smile opened his mouth to speak once more.

"Jim?"

"Yeah Bones," Jim mumbled.

"You're a goddamn pussy."

McCoy hit the button to stop his heart and Jim stared helplessly for what felt like the longest ten seconds of his life before snatching the control and jabbing the button again.

Bones jolted, but didn't take a breath.

"Bones." Jim shook his shoulder.

"BONES!" he shook him more roughly.

Panicking slightly, he hit the button again and sent another powerful shock through his friends body, relieved when he started spluttering and rolled onto his side.

Another wave of relief washed over him as he noticed the tiny white lights beginning to circle them.

They were going home. All three of them.

* * *

Spock's senses were fuzzy. He could tell that even without opening his eyes. His hearing was muffled and he had a strange soreness in his throat. His limbs felt heavy and his instincts were telling him to continue sleeping until he felt better.

He ignored them and opened his eyes.

Sickbay.

That was to be expected.

The first thing he noticed was Jim, fast asleep next to him. His body was sitting in a chair, but his head was leaning on the bed, face down into the blankets. The position was extremely awkward and didn't look at all comfortable.

"Oh good, you're awake. Can I kill you again now for puttin' him through so much hell?"

Spock looked up and noticed Doctor McCoy standing at the foot of the bed he was in.

"That would be… illogical," he said hoarsely. The Doctor handed him a glass of water that he accepted gratefully, taking a small sip and setting it on the side.

"You've been here three days you know, jus' sleepin'. He hasn't moved an inch 'cept to go to the bathroom or to check on the baby."

"How is she?" Spock asked quickly.

"She's doing just great. Jim's besotted with her, it's the sweetest thing," he said with a small smile. He lowered himself into the chair on the other side of Spock's bed and stared at him.

"That cannot be comfortable," the doctor chuckled slightly at the way Jim was positioned between the chair and the bed, now snoring slightly.

"It looks borderline painful," Spock agreed.

They were silent for a few moments until there was a knock at the door. Bones got up and walked over to open it, smiling as Uhura entered the room with Seren in her arms.

"Oh hey, you're awake," she smiled to Spock as she brought the baby over.

"Indeed I am."

"How are you feeling?"

"I am… unsure," he said honestly. He didn't really know what he felt. He felt exhaustion, but emotionally he couldn't make sense of anything.

"I've got someone here who really wants to meet you," she smiled as she handed over the baby to Spock.

"We'll leave you to it," McCoy said quickly and he and Uhura left the room.

Spock stared down at the small bundle in his arms, and a pair of familiar blue eyes stared right back at him.

"You have grown significantly since our first meeting," he said softly.

Jim stirred slightly and Spock ran his hand through his golden hair as he held the baby with his other arm.

Jim woke up slowly, stretching his arms and wondering why his neck felt so stiff. He sat up and blinked, smiling as he noticed Spock awake and sat upright, holding Seren in his arms.

"You're awake," he smiled.

"As are you," Spock smiled slightly in return.

"Is this actually real or am I still going crazy?" Jim asked, taking Spock's hand in his own.

"This is real," he said shortly in response.

They were both silent for a long few seconds, just staring at each other, floods of emotions pouring through where their skin touched.

_Relief. Love. Care. Affection. Happiness._

"You are never getting out of my sight again, not even for five seconds," Jim finally laughed.

"And you will never leave my sight either," Spock agreed.

Seren gurgled loudly and Jim smiled, reaching forward to ruffle her hair.

"Her hair is… interesting," said Spock, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah she didn't get your neat hair," Jim smiled as he offered the baby his finger to hold onto.

"Evidently," said Spock as he tried to flatten the stubbornly wild mess of dark hair.

She reached up and grabbed his finger for the first time and Jim heard his breath hitch slightly in his throat.

"She does that a lot," he smiled.

"I find that I have no issue with that," Spock smiled slightly and Jim couldn't help himself, he squeezed himself onto the bed beside him and wrapped an arm around the Vulcan's chest.

"I missed you so much," he mumbled into his neck as he placed a small kiss there.

"Being able to see your state of emotional distress during my time in Doctor McCoy's body was very difficult," Spock admitted.

"Did you get to see Carol naked though?" Jim asked and Spock sighed.

"Several times."

"Oooh you should tell Bones, he'd be so pissed!"

"After what he has done for me, I see no reason to attempt to annoy him."

"But it's Bones! You should _always_ be trying to annoy him, it's fun!" Jim smirked and Spock raised an eyebrow again.

"That sounds a highly illogical exercise."

"Oh shush," Jim smiled as he leaned up and finally pressed his lips against Spock's.

They kissed for a few moments before a loud shriek caused them to spring apart.

"Um… ow!" giggled Jim as he took the baby from Spock and held her up above their heads so she could look down at them both.

"You trying to break my eardrums? Huh?" Jim asked her and she let out a small giggle before smiling down at her two parents.

"Oh my god, she's smiling! Spock she's smiling!" Jim said excitedly, pulling her down and hugging her to his chest.

"She is led by example," Spock said and Jim looked up, seeing the wide smile on his face.

"I love you," Jim sighed, Spock pressed his lips to Jim's once again.

"And I love you."

"And we both love you," Jim added, placing a kiss on the top of Seren's head.

"Indeed," said Spock, also kissing the baby's head.

The door knocked and then opened, Bones walking in with his hand over his eyes.

"Is it safe? Are you doing terrible things to eachother?" he asked and Jim laughed.

"No! Bones ew, Seren's in here, I'm not doing that with her in the room."

"Oh good. Right, well seeing as none of you are sick or injured, you can get the hell out of my sickbay. Oh and both of you, no more dying and coming back to life? _Please_?" he said, putting his hands on his hips and frowning.

"Ok Bones, we'll try," Jim grinned as he clambered off Spock's bed and then helped the exhausted half-Vulcan stand up himself.

"You three make quite the cute little family," he said, face softening.

"Well we're not going to be a little family for long. Spock, let's go home and make some more babies, I want all of your babies!" Jim declared and Bones sighed, letting his face fall into his palm.

"All of my babies…?" Spock asked hesitantly, one eyebrow raising slightly.

"_All_ of them," Jim grinned.

"The average male produces over forty-million sperm cells per ejaculation," Spock said matter-of-factly and Bones snorted.

"Forty-million huh? Then we'd better get cracking, I'm not getting any younger!" Jim said gleefully, handing Seren over to Bones with a wink and dragging Spock from the room by his hand, both his eyebrows now raised so high they looked as though they could disappear into his hairline.

"Dear god…" muttered the Doctor as he watched Jim drag Spock out of sickbay and the doors slide closed behind them. He couldn't help but smile though, and his smile grew even wider as Jim came running back in only minutes later to take the baby with them, deciding they wanted to spend some time as a family.

"Bones?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"Thank you. For everything. You're the best friend a guy could hope for," Jim smiled.

Bones froze, feeling emotion welling up inside him. He quickly pushed it down.

"Go be with your space husband Jim, quit getting sappy with me!" he said gruffly.

Jim laughed and left him alone, but Bones was still smiling to himself.

When Jim reached his and Spock's room, Spock was almost asleep already. Jim got Seren settled for the night in her crib and then stripped down to his boxers, crawling into bed beside Spock and holding him tightly.

Deep brown eyes peeked open at him and he kissed each lid to close them again.

"Sleep. I know how hard this coming back to life stuff is, it really takes it out of you."

"I want to-" Spock started, wrapping his arms tightly around Jim who cut him off with a kiss on the lips.

"You want to sleep, Spock. I'll still be here when you wake up. I'll always be here when you wake up," he smiled and Spock nodded, allowing the sleepiness to pull him further towards going under.

As he drifted off to sleep he heard Jim singing softly to him, only catching a few lines before the tiredness overwhelmed him.

"_No one else will have me, like you do,_

_No one else will have me, only you…"_

**~A/N~**

**Anyone who can name the song Jim is singing (WITHOUT the help of Google) gets a cookie :)  
Also, I know this chapter kinda seemed like the ending... BUT IT ISN'T! **

**Stay tuned for more! :D**


	26. Chapter 26 - Forever

**~a/n~**

**Hi there! I hadn't forgotten about you, I promise. Had an even BUSIER week than last week, which I thought was impossible, but I somehow managed it. But yeah, I managed to eventually get this written for you all... It's kinda short and sweet, but (sadly) the story is wrapping up and there's not a huge amount left so the chapters are naturally getting shorter. Also somehow every page break in all the previous chapters has vanished so I now have to edit every single chapter and put the page-breaks back in... ballsack.**

**Two pieces of GOOD news though:**

**1. P0o0rn warning for this chapter ;)**

**2. There's going to be a sequel, and I'm beyond excited for it... I've actually already started writing it... :)**

**Chapter Twenty-Six - Forever**

Spock woke up first and slowly opened his eyes, taking in the sight of Jim curled tightly into his chest and still fast asleep.

"I have missed this very much," he whispered to the sleeping man, gently running a hand through his soft caramel hair.

It had been so long since they had actually slept in the same bed that Spock had almost forgotten what it felt like.

Jim was the most cuddly sleeper possibly ever, and Spock would always wake up with Jim clinging to him like a limpet on a rock. He found that he didn't mind though, he didn't even mind that Jim snored slightly sometimes, or even that he would occasionally drool on his shirt if he slept with his mouth open.

Spock loved Jim like this, completely relaxed, not a single line of worry or tension on his beautiful face.

After laying still for a few minutes and just listening to Jim's slow, deep breathing as he slept, Spock decided to get up and check on the baby.

She hadn't made a sound yet so he assumed she was still asleep.

He was surprised to find a note in her crib where she had been sleeping last night.

_I've stolen your baby. You guys take all day to uh… talk… or whatever…. I'll bring her back around four._

_-LM_

He smiled slightly, grateful to the Doctor for appreciating the fact that although they needed time as a family, he and Jim also needed time alone.

He crawled back into bed behind Jim and wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling his face into the back of his neck and placing kisses there until he felt Jim stir slightly and then roll over to face him, a sleepy smile on his face and his blue eyes still bleary as he slowly woke up fully.

"Morning," he mumbled.

"T'hy'la," Spock mumbled in return, hugging Jim tightly.

"God, I've missed waking up with you. And I've missed sharing a bed with you, you're so warm and cuddle-able."

"I do not think that is a real word, Jim," Spock corrected.

"Probably not. I don't care," Jim smiled, trailing his hand down Spock's arm until their hands met, then slowly brushing the tips of his fingers over Spock's, causing his breath to catch in his throat.

"We are alone for today, Leonard is caring for-"

"I know, he woke me up when he snuck in to take her but I pretended I was sleeping anyway. I love how he insists that he's done with babies, but then steals ours. He secretly wants more kids, I think," Jim said, snuggling closer to Spock.

"That is not unlikely." Spock's next question was silent but Jim answered it anyway.

"Yeah, I want more, I was serious yesterday," Jim said sincerely. Spock looked at his face, his expression was hard to read but his eyes were showing only honesty.

"It would be logical to wait and allow your body to fully recover from… everything," Spock trailed off weakly.

They hadn't spoken about the fact Jim was still obviously underweight.

"I know, I know, but she's so cute and I want more! I mean, wouldn't a boy be great?" Jim asked and Spock smiled slightly.

"It would be, but we have our whole lives to-"

"No we don't! I want to be a young cool dad who like plays soccer and stuff. I don't want to be like sixty years old when my kids are ten," Jim protested and Spock chuckled.

"You should allow yourself adequate time to recover, in addition to this caring for two young children would be considerably more challenging than caring for one," Spock pointed out.

"But I wanna," Jim pouted and Spock chuckled again, placing a kiss on his forehead.

"As do I, but you cannot put that strain on yourself again so soon. Wait at least one year."

"A year! No way! Three months!" Jim argued.

"Nine months."

"How about if we just meet in the middle and say six months?" Jim smirked, wrapping his arms tightly around Spock and pressing their foreheads together.

"Agreed," he sighed and Jim kissed him happily.

"Yay! I promise I'll be all nice and chubby again by then," Jim smiled.

"You were never-" Spock started to protest but was cut off as Jim kissed him a little more roughly, then rolled them so he was on top, straddling Spock's hips.

The kiss broke and he stared up at Jim, brown eyes meeting those impossibly blue ones.

"I missed you so much," Jim whispered as he lowered his lips to Spock's once again.

"I promise to never leave you again," Spock said softly, hands finding the back of Jim's head and pulling him in for yet another kiss.

They were both ignoring the way their bodied were pressed together, both ignoring each others obvious arousal.

Spock rolled them so he was on top of Jim and kissed him slowly, trailing his hands down his sides and making him shiver slightly.

He reached the waistband of Jim's boxers and pulled back, looking at his face for permission.

Jim smiled slightly and Spock took it as consent, removing Jim's only item of clothing and throwing the boxers aside.

He looked down at Jim's body and then trailed his hands over the same path as his eyes. Past the collarbone that was protruding far too much for Spock's liking, over the ribcage that was also far too visible and then down to his flat stomach, with a clear pink line running vertically right up the middle.

Spock traced his finger over it gently and Jim sighed.

"Bones has offered to remove it, but I kind of like it," he said with a small smile.

"It goes the wrong way," Spock frowned slightly.

"Turns out Khan wasn't the best Doctor," Jim shrugged, self consciously shifting a little under Spock's examination.

"Bones didn't even regenerate that, I healed all by myself in like a week. Khan's blood must still be in my system," Jim said, sighing as Spock leaned down and kissed down the length of the scar.

"Fascinating," Spock mumbled as he traced the line with his lips once again.

Jim squirmed slightly and Spock looked up at him.

"Patience is a virtue, James," he smiled slightly as he saw the almost hungry look on Jim's face.

"But it's been months," Jim whined.

"I am fully aware of this fact," said Spock and Jim glared at him.

He crawled back up Jim's body and re-connected their lips in another slow kiss, Jim groaning into his mouth and bucking his hips up to desperately try and get any kind of friction.

Spock didn't want to delay this any longer. His own desire was burning to an intensity he could no longer ignore and he allowed Jim to rid him of his clothing quickly.

"Ohmygod," Jim groaned as Spock took him into his hand and gripped firmly, but didn't move.

"Is there a problem, Captain?"

Jim growled in frustration and with surprising strength flipped them over so he was on top.

"Don't start with this 'Captain' bullshit, _Commander_," he warned.

"Why? You always seem to find it so enjoyable," Spock said innocently and Jim smirked.

"No I do. I… well I love it, but I just can't. I want to take this real slow and I can't do that if you're… harassing me like that."

"Harassing? Surely that would suggest that-"

"Spock! Shut up! God, you're killing the mood!" Jim whined.

"I apologise," Spock muttered and Jim crawled off him and stood up, storming into the bathroom.

A few moments later Spock heard the water running and sighed, assuming Jim had decided to take a shower. He had other ideas, and crept through the adjoining door into his own quarters to retrieve a few things, including his candles that he usually kept for meditation as well as massage oil that he had acquired, intending to use it on Jim after a hard day of being Captain left him all tense as it commonly did.

"Computer, lights off," he instructed as he lit the candles and placed them around, filling the room with a low orange flicker.

He re-made the bed and then sat down on the edge of it, still naked, waiting for Jim to return.

He emerged from the bathroom dripping wet a few minutes later, white towel wrapped around his waist. He pushed water off his face with his hands and looked at Spock, confused.

"Is this more to your satisfaction?" Spock asked and Jim smiled.

"Maybe a little more like what I had in mind, yeah," he smiled as he walked over to Spock who guided him down onto the bed.

"Lay on your front," he instructed and Jim raised an eyebrow before shrugging and complying, settling down on his front.

"Spock what are you-" Jim's words were lost in a small moan as Spock straddled his hips quickly and started to rub slow circles on his back. He worked up and down, right over his spine with varying degrees of pressure. Jim mumbled encouragement and let out small mewls of pleasure as Spock worked the tension out of his aching body.

Jim barely noticed that Spock had stripped him of his towel until he became aware of one of Spock's long fingers easing into his body, slick with massage oil.

He moaned into the pillow and tilted his hips slightly. Spock's other hand settled flat on his lower back, holding him still as he carefully added his second finger, drawing a muffled groan from Jim.

"Mmm so good," he mumbled as Spock carefully prepared him whilst continuing to massage his back with his other hand. Jim let out a small hiss of pain as the third finger was added and Spock froze immediately.

"I'm fine, it's just been… a while," Jim assured and Spock nodded, continuing but making sure to be even more gentle.

After a few minutes and once certain Jim was adequately prepared, Spock removed his fingers and Jim took the hint and turned over onto his back.

Their eyes met as Spock carefully started to press into Jim, the smaller man doing his best to hide the discomfort on his face.

"Wait. Don't we need to like… take precautions?" Jim asked as Spock bottomed out.

Spock didn't respond but lowered his head and started to kiss and suck on Jim's neck and up to his ear where he mumbled his answer.

"Whatever happens, happens."

Jim didn't object and concentrated on relaxing his body against the all of a sudden very strange feeling intrusion. Jim didn't know exactly how long it had been since they'd had sex, somewhere in the region of three and a half months.

"Three months, three weeks and six days," Spock mumbled to him and Jim chuckled.

"You weren't counting or anything?"

"I can give you the count in hours and minutes if you would prefer?"

"No that's alright," Jim smiled, tiling his face up and catching Spock's lips with his own.

Spock pulled out maybe an inch before carefully thrusting forwards again. Jim let out a small moan and Spock smiled against his neck.

"Don't laugh at me," Jim sighed, his body tensing as Spock started to move steadily.

"Spock, _oh, there,_" Jim gasped as he hit his prostate directly.

Spock maintained the same angle, delighting himself in the way Jim's mouth was now hanging open in a silent 'o' of pleasure, his pupils blown wide in the half-light and hiding almost all of the blue in his eyes.

The pace was slow, gentle, tender. Touches were soft and savouring as they re-learned eachothers bodies, and Spock learned how Jim's body had changed. He was smaller, thinner with less muscle mass. He had a few new scars other than the obvious one and Spock kissed each one, knowing each of their stories without needing to ask verbally. Khan had hurt him, broken him to pieces, and now Spock would take the time to put him back together.

Spock found himself lost in the expression of pure bliss on Jim's face, the way he would let out the smallest of moans with each inward thrust, the way his hands were running up and down his back…

They both lost all concept of time, and whenever either of them would near the edge they would pause to allow their overheating bodies to recover, prolonging their ecstasy by a few precious minutes each time.

_Spock, God I love you so much._

As he always was, Spock was surprised at the incredible clarity with which Jim was able to project his thoughts into him. For a psi-null human, he certainly understood his telepathy very well.

_I love you more than I ever thought it possible to love another being._

Jim smiled up at him, then bit his lip on the next inward thrust, his eyes rolling back and his hips rising off the bed to meet Spock's.

_I'm close_.

Spock reached up one hand to gently caress Jim's face, running his thumb across his eyebrow then along the line of his cheekbone before settling his fingers at his meld points and joining their minds.

In a rush of mind-numbing pleasure it was all over very quickly. He completely lost track of where his body ended and Jim's began, where his mind ended and Jim's began.

"Spock, are you okay?" Jim whispered, dragging him from his thoughts.

He opened his eyes and turned to his side to face him.

"I am," he said slowly.

"You… uh… blacked out," Jim giggled slightly. "I did too. That was pretty intense there," he added.

Spock's mind was still reeling, traces of Jim still flooding through his brain with alarming clarity.

"James. I have to ask you something," he blurted out.

He didn't care if they were naked and in bed when he'd actually had an elaborate plan for how he was going to ask this question, and he didn't care that they'd technically spent less than 24 hours together in the last three and a half months. He knew he needed to ask.

"Sure," Jim smiled, stretching slightly and draping his arm lazily across Spock's torso, nuzzling his face into his neck.

"Look at me," Spock asked quietly. "Please," he added just as softly and Jim looked up, confusion all over his face.

"Spock is everything alright?" he asked.

"Everything will be."

He paused and took a deep breath.

"James… I love you, more than I ever thought possible to love another. You make me experience emotions that I have never before experienced, and never want to stop experiencing. You have taught me the meaning of love, and how to love, and I never want you to stop teaching me. You make me feel so… human, you easily tear down any shield that I put up, and… I find that I have no objection. I want to give you everything, to share everything with you. I… will you bond with me?"

Jim blinked. His expression was unreadable, and he cleared his throat.

"Of course I will," he breathed. His voice was lost, his hands shaking as Spock took both of them in his own.

"T'hy'la," Spock whispered as their foreheads rested together. "You make me so incredibly, illogically happy," he confessed with a wide smile.

"And you make _me_ so happy," Jim grinned.

"I look forward to spending every day from this moment dedicating all of my efforts to maintaining your current level of happiness, Jim," Spock said and Jim giggled and stole a kiss.

"You're such a hopeless romantic."

"Perhaps. Or perhaps it is only you that makes me behave in this way."

"Well either way, I like it," Jim grinned. The gap between their lips closed again and Jim sighed contentedly into the kiss.

"This is forever, right?" he asked as they broke apart momentarily.

"Forever," Spock agreed and Jim grinned, reconnecting their lips as Spock placed a hand on his face, melding their minds and allowing them to bask in each others happiness.

* * *

It was five minutes past four when Leonard McCoy tentatively rang the door buzzer of Jim's room.

"You think they're done making you a sibling yet, huh?" he asked the baby he was holding in his arms.

"I agree, I think it's too soon too, but you're too damn adorable and once Jim gets an idea in his head there's no stopping him," he said, ruffling her hair. It was starting to settle down, and not stand completely up on end as it had originally when she was first born.

The door slid open and the Doctor was met by Spock, minus his shirt and sporting several angry green marks on his chest and neck which looked suspiciously like they were the same size as Jim's mouth.

"Oh… hi, you forget how to tell time?" he asked with a small smirk.

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"I am perfectly aware of the time Doctor, however, Jim is behaving in a highly immature manner and will not return my shirt to my possession," he said sourly and Bones chuckled.

"He's gone all hyperactive on you?" he asked and Spock nodded once.

"I can hypo his ass if you want him to settle down for a while?"

"Thank you Doctor, but that will not be required at this time. Thank you for caring for-"

"BONES!" Jim squealed, hurtling across the room and grabbing his friend, shoving his left hand in his face.

"Look look look!"

"I can see Jim, it's your hand."

"Look closer!"

Bones sighed and allowed himself to smile as he finally noticed the plain gold band on Jim's finger.

"So he finally asked you."

"He did," Jim grinned as he took the baby from Bones.

"And you said yes I take it," the Doctor sighed.

"Well duh," Jim grinned.

"Congratulations… now your weird little family is almost official. You going to wait until we get home?" Bones asked.

"Well we're going to do this in both the human and the Vulcan way. We'll wait until we get home for our Earth wedding, but we're going to bond soon. Oh, I hope you know a thing or two about bachelor parties, because you're going to be my best man," Jim smiled and Bones nodded.

"Do I get any say in this?"

"Absolutely not. By the way, I'm thinking Vegas, maybe?"

"Jim you're impossible," Bones sighed. "But I'm happy for you two, really, I am," he said with a genuine smile.

"But you should really give Spock his shirt back, I can see teeth marks where I don't need to know there are teeth marks," Bones sighed as he noticed the bite mark on Spock's lower back right above the waistband of his pants.

"Oh yeah… Uh about that… I guess I'll have to submit to your prodding seeing as we've decided to take at least six months before we try and have another baby," said Jim and Bones froze.

"You… doing something _sensible?_ Spock, you've tamed him!" he laughed.

"I am not sure about that, Doctor," said Spock with a raised eyebrow and Bones screwed up his face.

"Too much information. Right. You. Sickbay, now, and we'll get you all figured out and temporarily baby-proof," he ordered and Jim handed Seren over to Spock and placed a quick kiss on his cheek, causing Spock's ears to flush slightly green, before leaning down and kissing Seren's forehead gently.

"I really never saw you as the family kind of guy Jim, but it really suits you," Bones admitted as the two men walked towards sickbay.

"I love it," Jim grinned, eyeing the gold band on his finger again.

"I can tell. I've never seen you smile like this."

"I don't think I had the ability to before, Bones. There's just something about him, it's like he's everything I want because he's everything I'm not," Jim sighed and Bones gagged theatrically.

"You big sap."

"Yeah yeah, says the one who's obviously falling in love with Carol," Jim rolled his eyes and Bones shoved him.

"See. Told you," Jim smirked.

"Shut up Jim," he sighed but he was smiling.

Jim being this happy was infectious, and his own happiness certainly had something to do with it too.

Everything was working out just the way it should.


	27. Chapter 27 - The Dawn

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

It was six long months before Jim and Spock finally looked at each other one day and knew they were ready.

"Are you sure?" Jim asked as they tucked Seren into her crib for the night.

"Certain. Another child would be… acceptable."

"Acceptable," Jim snorted. "Wonderful, you mean? 'Jim, please be a darling and carry my baby again?' Were those the words you were looking for?" Jim teased and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Doctor McCoy is certain he could replicate the generation of a uterus. If you are uncomfortable then I would be willing to-"

"No. One of us being a freak of nature is bad enough, I don't want you-"

"Jim, there are several species we have encountered where it is perfectly normal for both genders to carry offspring. You are not, as you put it, a 'freak'."

"Well I don't mind it… I guess it was kind of nice, feeling her move and hearing her thoughts and stuff, plus like knowing that my body did something that incredible is a pretty great feeling," Jim smiled as he looked down at their baby. She was growing rapidly and at seven months old and part Vulcan was almost reaching her toddler stage; and it made Jim desperate for another one.

* * *

It was two more months before Jim felt a strange sickness one morning at breakfast.

Chekov took the seat opposite him in the mess hall, babbling excitedly about an interesting nebula their long range-scanners had detected and then lifting his cup of coffee to take a sip.

Jim caught a whiff of the drink and his face paled.

"Is everyzing alright Keptin?" the young Ensign asked.

"Hold that thought," Jim gasped, leaping out of his chair and sprinting for the nearest bathroom and arriving just in time to vomit into the sink, as he hadn't even had time to make it to the toilet.

_T'hy'la, is everything alright?_

Jim gasped for breath and ran the tap, washing his hands and face and then rinsing his mouth with some water.

_I'm fine Spock, I think maybe I just must have eaten something bad-_

He was distracted from assuring Spock through their bond as he felt another wave of crippling nausea flood through his body.

He groaned and rubbed his stomach.

_Do you think that perhaps-_

_Yeah. I'm pretty sure that's what it is, at least I hope so. I'll go and see Bones later to double check._

Jim smiled to himself as he continued rubbing his stomach, hoping against hope that his sickness was caused by what he thought it was caused by. Once he'd got himself cleaned up he made his way back to the mess hall, apologised quickly to Chekov and then rushed up to the bridge to start his shift.

He smiled to Spock at his science station as he entered the bridge. He had Seren clinging to his chest in her usual way. With both of them being on duty a lot of the time, she would often have to be taken up to the bridge. She was exceptionally well behaved though, and Bones and Carol would often pitch in and watch her whenever they were off duty to give Jim and Spock a break.

"You alright Sir? You seem a little… flushed?" Sulu asked as Jim sank into his Captain's chair.

"I'm fine Mr. Sulu, thanks. What's new up here? I miss anything fun while I was sleeping?" he asked and Sulu shook his head.

"We're still two days from the planet we wanted to survey next, so we're running on half bridge crew as we don't really need a full team up here whilst we're at warp through empty space."

"Excellent. Yeah if this planet is as perfect as it seems, we'll let everyone off for a couple days shore leave, I know I could use a break so I'm sure everyone else must be feeling pretty tired too by now," Jim said and Sulu nodded. Since leaving Earth they had not had any chances to take shore leave. None of the planets they had surveyed had been suitable for human habitation, even temporarily, but from their readings the one they were approaching seemed hopeful.

"Spock, any clues as to the atmosphere of this planet we're aiming for?" Jim asked and Spock looked up.

"It should be perfectly adequate for a comfortable visit, Captain," he said, holding Seren back as she reached her arms out towards Jim, chubby fists opening and closing. He smiled and stood up, walking over and picking her up off Spock's lap.

"You are getting so big and heavy," he smiled as he bounced her on his hip.

She gurgled approvingly and smiled at him, melting his heart instantly.

"You are the cutest, most adorable, most amazing little thing ever," he sighed as he looked at her face carefully.

She was beginning to look more like him. He could see his own face in the shape of her cheekbones and her eyes, but primarily she still looked most like Spock. Her hair was growing steadily and was thick and dark with a wave to it. He imaged it would be very striking when she was older and it had grown long.

"Dada, can you say dada?" he offered as she babbled nonsense at him again.

"She will speak when she is ready, T'hy'la," said Spock quietly so only Jim would hear him.

"But I want her to talk _now_," Jim whined, walking back over to his chair and placing her in it. She could easily sit upright and blinked at him, grabbing her own feet.

Jim grinned and snapped a picture of her. He'd taken _so_ many pictures, he was certain Archer, his mother and Sarek must be getting bored of receiving them by now.

Seren opened her mouth as if to say something and Jim watched her hopefully, trying not to show his disappointment when she didn't.

The doors to the bridge opened and Bones strode in.

"Bones! What are you doing all the way up here?" he asked as the Doctor walked purposefully towards him, tricoder in hand.

"Spock said you were sick, so here I am."

"Spock! I'm fine! I was going to see Bones after my shift was done," Jim protested as Bones waved the tricoder around in front of his face.

The bridge fell silent as Jim glared at the Doctor who raised an eyebrow at him.

"Dammit!"

Everyone's heads whipped round to the baby sitting in Jim's chair.

Jim burst into laughter first.

"What you say darlin'?" Bones asked her and she cocked her head to one side.

"Dammit!" she repeated, giggling wildly when Jim scooped her up.

"You've been spending too much time with Uncle Bones," he laughed.

"Jim I'm so sorry," Bones said quickly.

"Don't apologise, this is hilarious!"

"It is not _hilarious_, Jim. We must now all be more mindful of our language as she clearly understands-" Spock was interrupted as she repeated her one word again.

"Dammit."

Everyone on the bridge now dared to laugh, even with the disapproving look on Spock's face.

"Dada," Bones offered and she kicked her legs.

"Da-mit."

"Da-_da_," Jim tried, enunciating carefully.

"Dammit," she said stubbornly.

Jim sighed and laughed again.

"Well. I guess at least it's _something. _Nine months old and walking and talking. Not too shabby!"

* * *

A simple blood test confirmed Jim's suspicion.

"Six weeks already too, congratulations," Bones grinned, ruffling Jim's hair.

"Six weeks? Wow. It feels like more than that, I mean, look," Jim said as he hopped down off the bio-bed and lifted his shirt, showing the tiny rounded bulge already just barely visible.

"That's pasta Jim, now quit your bitching," Bones said, his usual gruff tone returning.

"I haven't eaten today!" Jim protested.

"There's no way you'd be showin' at six weeks, you're imagining it," Bones dismissed.

"Jim… I must agree with Doctor McCoy on this occasion," Spock added and Jim rolled his eyes.

"Spock I already told you before, don't agree with me, it makes me very uncomfortable," Bones sighed.

"Bones, I bet you two hundred credits that I have a boy this time," Jim said quickly and Bones raised an eyebrow.

"I'll hold you to that. And I bet you another two-hundred that your second _girl_ will get Spock's eyes this time," Bones added and Jim clapped his hands together.

"Oh! Now we're getting interesting! I think _he_ will weigh ten pounds or more, that's gotta be worth a hundred credits."

"You are both incredibly-"

"Illogical?" Jim cut in, grinning.

"Indeed," mumbled Spock.

* * *

"I'm a Doctor, _not_ a babysitter!" Bones objected as Jim begged him to take Seren from him for the night.

"I know Bones, but… I'm really… y'know… _horny_," Jim whispered the last word and Bones sighed deeply.

"You're disgusting," he grumbled as he reluctantly accepted the toddler from Jim.

"Well then don't ask!" Jim defended and the Doctor sighed again.

"Yeah yeah. Get out of here you big hormonal mess," Bones rolled his eyes as Jim grabbed his head and pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek, he recoiled and wiped it off.

Jim ran all the way back to his and Spock's quarters where he proceeded to replicate a large volume of chocolate and then melt it carefully into a dish that he'd stolen from the mess hall.

He pulled the blankets and pillows off their bed and stuffed them into the storage compartment, removing the other item he had stolen for this evening; handcuffs from the brig.

Spock entered the room fifteen minutes later having just finished his shift and barely had a moment to react to Jim jumping on him and pinning him aggressively to the bed, tearing his shirt off his body in the process.

"Jim-" Spock attempted but was cut off as Jim put his hand over his mouth.

"_Captain Kirk_," Jim corrected and Spock raised an eyebrow slightly.

The look on Jim's face was one of pure wanton lust, animal lust… something that he often only saw in the moments before Jim would reach climax.

"I heard a little rumour today, about the way chocolate can affect a Vulcan," Jim smirked as he fumbled for something under the edge of the bed, still effectively pinning Spock down with his body.

"I would explain the process but it appears from your facial expression that you are already familiar with it," Spock sighed.

Jim reached up, finally revealing what he was hiding in his hands.

"Jim, I strongly object to-" Spock started as Jim forced his wrists into the cuffs he'd stolen from the brig, binding him to the bar that ran along the top of the bed.

"No you don't, you filthy little slut, you love it when I get like this," Jim hissed, teeth tugging at the point of Spock's ear. Spock growled low in his throat, unsure if it was from the sharp jolt of pain in his ear or from the way Jim's words, actions and behaviour were driving him wild.

"You understand the concept of a safe word?" Jim asked in a more normal tone and Spock gave a small nod.

"Ok, good. If you _really_ want me to stop, the safe word is 'Tribble', and I hope to god you don't blurt that out accidentally," Jim said, slipping back into his low voice as he reached under the bed again and pulled out the bowl of melted chocolate, not hesitating in pouring a dollop onto Spock's chest.

"Oops," he smirked as he started to lick it off slowly, his eyes not leaving Spock's the entire time. He crawled up and kissed Spock firmly, mouth sticky and sweet with the chocolate, and enough to make Spock's head already start to spin.

"Jim I-"

"_Captain_," Jim hissed, grabbing Spock's jaw and making him look him in the eye.

"Captain-" he began but was cut off as Jim spooned a generous amount of chocolate into his open mouth. He reluctantly swallowed, considering using his superior strength to flip them over and really show Jim who was boss, but he was curious and decided to comply.

"Are you going to behave?" Jim asked, teeth tugging at his ear again as his fingers circled one sensitive nipple.

"Yes Captain," Spock said obediently.

"Good boy," Jim said, pulling off his own shirts and then getting to work on removing Spock's pants, slowly dragging them down his pale legs and throwing them carelessly aside.

"Mm, look at you, all ready and waiting for me," Jim smirked as he ran his hands over Spock's thighs and lower stomach, completely ignoring the erection begging to be touched.

"You're not allowed to finish until I give you my order, understood Commander?" Jim asked and Spock felt a surge of arousal. He's never found their ranks to be of any interest in the bedroom before, but there was just something about Jim and the way he'd say it, the way he'd boss him around sometimes. It was impossible to _not_ find it arousing.

"Understood," he breathed, suddenly feeling very light-headed.

Spock moaned as the warm melted chocolate made contact with his lower stomach, Jim's tongue in hot pursuit of the trail he had made, cleaning up the sweet line he had left there.

Jim wriggled out of his own pants and boxers, kicking them aside and straddling Spock's chest. He poured some chocolate down his lower stomach and onto his own straining erection, a sharp intake of breath passing his lips as the hot liquid made contact with the sensitive flesh.

"Suck it," he ordered, glaring down at Spock.

Spock wasn't entirely sure of the reason for Jim's behaviour, but he decided in that moment he didn't mind it. He obliged and tilted his head up, carefully licking the chocolate off of Jim, beginning with his stomach.

"Don't make me ask you again Commander," Jim ordered, roughly grabbing a handful of Spock's dark hair.

Spock looked up at him with wide eyes before opening his mouth and giving Jim what he wanted.

"That's it, just like that. God, you look so pretty when you suck my cock," he moaned, head tilting back as Spock made certain to clean off all of the chocolate.

Spock felt another surge of arousal and was unable to hide the small whimper that left his throat as Jim fucked his mouth, gripping his hair so tightly he as risking pulling out a fistful.

Jim pulled away suddenly; lust clouding his eyes as he roughly flipped Spock over so he was laying on his stomach, arms twisted awkwardly as they were still bound above his head.

"So pretty," Jim mused, trailing his hands over Spock's lower back and lower, down to his thighs which he pushed apart, diving in to lick Spock in the one place he had still not yet allowed.

"_Jim-" _he hissed, jolting away from Jim's hot tongue.

"What?" Jim smirked. He had felt through their suddenly very open bond how much that had excited Spock.

"Unacceptable. I will not permit-"

"Yes you will. Don't make me make it an order," Jim said, both hands pushing Spock's thighs apart again.

Spock did his best to muffle his moans as Jim teased him with his tongue, circling his tight opening before pressing in a little before going back to circling. Without warning he forced one finger into the tight heat and Spock gasped out, a jolt of pleasure surging through their bond.

"You don't even need me to do this, do you?" Jim asked, biting hard on the left cheek of Spock's ass and leaving a mark that he knew would bruise by the morning.

"Huh? Answer me. You can take me with no preparation. You'd love it, filthy little whore," Jim growled, slapping Spock's ass firmly with a satisfying sting to his palm.

Spock didn't know what to think, say, or do. His overheated body was telling him that he _loved_ dominant Jim, but it felt so… debauched, he felt wrong for enjoying it so much.

"I… I find the t-thought incredibly arousing Captain," Spock stammered as Jim slapped him again.

"Mmm good, because I would have done it anyway," Jim growled as he quickly applied lube to himself and lined up, gripping Spock's hips.

"Beg for it," Jim ordered, resting the blunt head of his thick erection at Spock's entrance.

Spock stayed silent and Jim grabbed his hair and pulled his head up.

"Tell me what you want," Jim growled and Spock did everything in his power not to come then and there from the friction on his erection from the sheets and the way Jim's voice sent a jolt of pure lust straight through him.

"Captain I-"

"Mmm, that's right, tell me. Beg for it."

"Captain… Please," Spock finally mumbled and Jim thrust forward, causing a gasp of pleasure from himself and a muffled hiss of pain from Spock as he struggled to accommodate Kirk's size.

_You're ok, right?_

_I am not injured._

"Oh god, so fucking tight," Jim gasped as he gripped Spock's hips and lifted them, beginning to thrust repeatedly with savage force, moaning loudly and gasping for breath after only a few minutes as he already struggled to maintain the pace he had set.

Spock started to slowly raise his hips slightly higher than Jim had positioned them, trying to get Jim at a better angle to hit his sweet spot.

"Jim," he whimpered as Jim hit it dead on with dizzying force. He regretted it as a firm slap was delivered to his thigh.

"_Captain_," Spock corrected, dragging another moan from Jim's throat.

Spock decided this had gone on long enough and it was time to take control of the situation.

_I want you to come inside me. Claim me. Make me yours._

_"_Spock!" Jim gasped.

_That's right. Lose control. I can take it and you know it, you will not hurt me. I can take more._

Jim grunted and sped up, his moans mixing with broken fragments of words and muttered expletives.

"Spock we agreed no bond-talk during sex, it's too much-"

_I just wanted you to be aware of how much I enjoy your big cock inside of me-_

Jim moaned loudly, his whole body tensing as he came hard, clinging to Spock's sweat-slick body for support. The pleasure tearing through their bond was enough to have Spock following him over the edge seconds later, gasping as he struggled to re-establish his self-control.

Jim collapsed on top of him, his whole body limp, breath coming in short, sharp gasps.

"Spock, god damn you are _not_ allowed to talk dirty to me like that!" Jim whined and Spock chuckled.

"Then in that case you are not allowed to restrain me and force me to consume chocolate," he mumbled against the mattress. He was relieved when Jim shakily pulled out and climbed off him, releasing his arms moments later before collapsing on the bed beside him.

"Is that why you were talking dirty, you're a little drunk?" Jim asked; blue eyes ablaze with post-orgasmic bliss.

"Perhaps," Spock confessed.

"Well there's plenty more chocolate where that came from," Jim smirked.

* * *

When Jim and Spock were told they were expecting identical twin boys, Jim tried to argue with Bones that two boys should mean the bet was doubled and that he should get four hundred credits.

"It don't work that way Jim," Bones argued as he wiped the clear gel off Jim's stomach.

"Sure it does. You just don't want to pay up," Jim teased.

"I bet you a year of diaper changing that they both grow up to be just as annoying as you," Bones sighed.

"Hey no way! I'll already be changing their diapers, you can't bet that with me," Jim protested.

"Twins though? You guys are in _way _over your heads. You're going to have three kids under the age of two," Bones shook his head and Jim grinned.

"I love a challenge Bones, you should know that by now."

"This is a challenge maybe even beyond the capabilities of James T Kirk."

"Pfft. No challenge is beyond the capabilities of James T Kirk," Jim rolled his eyes at Bones as he mumbled something that sounded like 'unbelievable' and left the room so Jim and Spock could have a minute alone.

"Two sons, T'hy'la," Spock smiled, immediately pulling Jim into an embrace.

"I'm kinda worried about twins, but hey, if Bones says they're doing fine, then they're doing fine," Jim mumbled into Spock's shoulder.

"I am sure there is nothing to be concerned about _ashayam_, everything will be fine," Spock soothed. He could feel Jim's excitement, his joy, but also his unease and how he felt worried he would somehow harm their children.

* * *

Bones was working late. Carol was watching Joanna, not that she needed watching, she was pretty much self-sufficient, which for a six-year old was quite amazing.

He was squinting down a microscope lens when the soft 'swoosh' of the door opening distracted him and he turned, swivelling in his chair.

"Everything alright?" he asked as he saw Carol rushing towards him, her face tearstained and one hand behind her back.

"I… I…" she stammered, waving a small white stick at him which had been hidden behind her back.

"Darlin', what's wrong?" he asked, ignoring whatever she was waving at him

His eyes locked onto the object in her hand and he caught her wrist, gently turning her hand over and taking it from her.

"This… is yours?" he asked and she nodded tearfully.

He held his breath for a few seconds as he surveyed the pregnancy test and the clear pink 'x' that practically glowed up at him.

He let out a sigh and pulled her into a hug, one hand on her lower back, the other smoothing her hair as she sobbed into his shoulder.

"Now, are these happy tears or upset tears?" he asked softly and she hiccupped.

"A bit of both," she confessed.

"Now these are happy tears," he said, pulling back so she could see the two clear lines trailing down his face.

"But you already told me you didn't want any more kids and I- hic – I'm so sorry, we should have been more careful and I –"

"Shh. Darlin', I've been doin' a lot of thinking… and really, I'm not _that_ old. Another kid is perfectly alright with me, Joanna is just goin' to have to get used to not being top dog," he smiled and a fresh wave of tears escaped her eyes as she began to grin herself.

"And you're going to make a really great Mom," he grinned as he kissed her cheek.

"Mum," she corrected.

"You damn Brits and your posh accents," he grumbled, lifting her up and spinning her around, causing her to shriek in surprise and giggle.

"You sure do know how to make a bitter old man very happy," he smiled and she grinned.

"I try my best, Doctor."

* * *

Jim was very careful.

He ate what Bones and Spock told him to, he worked reduced hours, and he didn't go on any away missions.

He took time off to rest if he needed it as he was more tired than he had been whilst carrying their daughter.

As the twins grew, the strain on his body became greater and greater. His back hurt, his knees hurt and his feet were swollen and puffy, and he wasn't even two-thirds of the way through.

"My god, I'm disgusting," Jim sighed as he stopped in for a vitamin shot from Bones.

"Glowing, the word you're looking for is glowing," Bones teased as he gave him his hypo, much more gently than he would usually.

"What are you so happy about?" Jim asked as he noticed the grin on Bones' face.

"Oh nothing," he smiled as he got another hypo ready, this time a copper supplement.

"Bones! Spill," Jim insisted and the doctor sighed.

"Well… Carol and I… well… Jim, you remember the night you and Spock babysat Joanna around three months ago?" he asked and Jim nodded.

"Sure I do, we watched Lord of The Rings and she kept asking Spock if he was an elf," Jim grinned and Bones nodded.

"Yeah well… that night we had kinda... a bit to drink… and well… turns out we weren't so careful and even with her contraceptive shot being effective 98 percent of the time… we must have been in the lucky two-percent," he sighed but he was smiling widely.

"Carol's pregnant? Bones that's awesome!" Jim grinned, clapping his friend on the back.

"Yeah I'm pretty much… I don't even know. My damn face hurts from grinning like a moron non-stop," he shook his head.

"Yeah, but I don't blame you, I mean –" Jim stopped talking abruptly and took a sharp intake of breath, both hands rushing to his lower back.

"Y'alright? Here, sit down," Bones gently guided him towards the bed just behind him and Jim sat down slowly, hands moving around to his distended abdomen.

"They're panicking in there, they don't know what's going on," Jim said quietly, one hand settling on the side of his face as he tried to concentrate on reassuring them through their telepathic link.

"I'll get Spock," Bones said quickly, rushing over to the comm. panel.

Spock was already on his way having felt Jim's fear through their bond, and hurried into sickbay only moments after the Doctor had attempted to contact him.

"I don't know what happened I was just-"

"Lay down and stay still," Bones ordered. Spock said nothing, he just concentrated on sending positive thoughts through their bond, silently reassuring.

* * *

"Deep breaths Jim," Bones instructed and Jim did his best, trying to hold back a sob at the same time.

He'd been on bed rest for almost five weeks since his incident in sickbay, but now one of the babies had been silent for over twenty four hours. No movement. No thoughts. Nothing. Bones had been able to verify he still had a heartbeat, though it was weak, so it was time to act and to act fast. Even at twenty-eight weeks and much too early, they didn't have a choice.

"Now you remember those steroids I gave you a couple days back? Those should have helped develop their lungs so they'll be ready. They're going to be small, but they'll be alright Jim, I promise you."

Jim nodded. He'd closed his mind to Spock, unable to handle anything other than his own thoughts and that of the baby who was still alert.

_Out._

"He wants out," Jim mumbled weakly and Spock took his hand, thumb tracing over the back of it.

"I know Jim, they both do. I think I need you out cold for this," Bones said and Jim shook his head.

"No, I'm serious. You should be out cold." _Just in case, _the silent end of the sentence.

"No Bones, _I'm_ serious. I'm staying awake."

"Stubborn asshole," Bones muttered as he grabbed a hypospray and jabbed Jim in the neck with it, a strange numbness immediately beginning to spread down his body. It took a long few minutes before Bones gave him a small squeeze of the hand and started to make an incision.

"Spock, I don't like it," Jim mumbled, squeezing his eyes tightly closed as he felt strange tugging and pulling in his abdomen.

His mind flashed backwards just over one year. Khan was standing over him, cold, calculated…

_Do not think about such things ashayam, you are safe here. Our children will be well cared for, as will you._

"Jim. Open your eyes if you want to watch," Bones ordered and Jim forced his eyes open.

The lights were bright, almost too bright, and they made his blood appear a strange purplish colour.

"Got a pair of blonde-bombshells here Jimmy," Bones said as he carefully lifted one twin from the neat incision, he was barely large enough to fill his two gloved hands, but he was crying loudly.

Jim glanced at Spock to see the look of complete wonder on his face before looking back to the baby. Tiny and flawlesss, with blonde hair and the same tiny pointed ears as his sister and father.

"Happy birthday little guy. Spock you want to cut the cord?" he offered and Spock shook his head quickly, causing Jim to chuckle weakly.

"He's squeamish as hell," Jim mumbled. He felt strange. Lightheaded. Dizzy. He could feel his heart rate rising.

Bones noticed the change in his vitals on the monitor and quickly cut the cord and handed the newborn over to Nurse Chapel to get him cleaned up.

The second twin didn't cry, but he did splutter as he attempted to clear his airways. Bones helped him with a small sucking device and he whimpered.

"Jim he's OK, he's alright, he's breathing fine," Bones assured as Jim lost control and the first few tears spilled onto his face.

"You're going into a panic attack, so I'm putting you under but I promise you they'll both be fine," Bones assured him before sending him into a medically induced sleep, the last thing he saw was Spock's face above him, a small smile as he leaned down to kiss Jim's forehead.

* * *

"This is my fault," Jim whispered as he gazed down at the incubator.

"It is not. You did everything in your power to-"

"It's my god damn fault Spock! I was supposed to protect them, keep them safe and where they needed to be until they were ready," Jim said, the volume of his voice getting dangerously close to yelling.

"You could not have prevented this, T'hy'la," Spock soothed.

"I could have! I wasn't… good enough," Jim sighed.

The two tiny babies slept, both hooked up to devices that were helping them regulate their body systems, one of them more-so than the other. A ventilator was helping him breathe, whilst the other could breathe unaided.

"They are fascinating," Spock said after long few minutes of silence.

"They're beautiful," Jim smiled weakly. He looked at the weaker twin, his miniscule chest rising and falling steadily, so afraid that it would stop.

They didn't yet even begin to understand what was wrong with him, but intuitively Jim knew it was something serious. They way he'd gone silent and stopped communicating telepathically with him very suddenly was odd, but he knew they would get everything figured out once he was strong enough to deal with tests.

"In honour of Captain Pike… I would like very much to name one of them Christopher," Spock said quietly and Jim nodded. He'd been thinking the same thing.

"I agree. Vulcan middle name?" he offered and Spock shook his head.

"No. George. Christopher George Kirk," he said and Jim smiled.

"I love it Spock," he said, lacing his fingers with the Vulcan's.

"Do you have any thoughts of another name?" Spock asked and Jim hesitated. He _did_ have ideas, but he wasn't certain how Spock would take them.

"Spock junior?"

Spock raised an eyebrow and Jim smirked.

"I don't know. I want to see some of their personalities first. I mean we'll keep Christopher George as a certainty, we just need to see which one it suits best, then I'll come up with something for his brother," Jim said and Spock nodded in silent agreement.

Jim shifted uncomfortably in his chair. His abdomen had been regenerated, but he was still very sore and still drowsy from anaesthetic.

"You need to rest, Jim," Spock said quietly.

"Hm? Oh I know. I'll go to bed in a minute, I just wanted to… see if either of them was going to open their eyes…" he trailed off.

Spock looked like he wanted to say something, but decided against it, just sitting beside Jim with their hands intertwined as they watched their two new babies resting.

When Jim fell asleep in his chair, Spock carefully retracted his hand and fetched a blanket, attentively covering Jim with it before placing a small kiss to his forehead and settling beside him once again.

Jim could now begin his recovery back to full strength once again. Spock knew how much of a strain it had been to carry telepathic twins who would seemingly never leave Jim's mind alone.

"Thank you," he whispered, stroking Jim's hand gently as he looked down at the two boys.

* * *

"He's missing part of his brain," Bones said bluntly. Jim had always liked that Bones never pulled his punches, but on this occasion part of him wished that he had.

Jim and Spock were both silent.

Bones pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes for a moment.

"He's blind. The part of his brain that processes vision just… didn't form correctly; or at all for that matter, it's completely missing and I can't tell you why. His eyes are normal, optic nerves… everything. It just doesn't lead to anything. I'm sorry… it isn't… it isn't something I can fix, at least not right now," Bones sighed and Jim glanced at Spock.

He looked visibly devastated.

"Spock, it'll be alright," Jim said, reaching to place a hand on his knee. He moved his knee out of reach and Bones raised an eyebrow.

"Spock if he's never going to know any different, why is this a big deal? Sure things will be harder for him, but the way medicine is progressing they'll be able to grow a whole damn brain in ten years so they'll be able to figure something out. Have some faith in him, I'm sure he'll cope," Jim said and Spock shook his head and stormed out of the room.

Jim sank into his chair and sighed, running his hands through his hair and closing his eyes.

"You ok kid?" Bones asked and Jim shook his head, his face crumpling as he finally allowed his emotion to pour out.

"C'mere," Bones muttered, getting up and walking around his desk to Jim and wrapping him up in a hug.

"Oh my god Bones... he's never going to see anything… how is he going to… cope? How is he going to… live?" Jim asked and Bones did his best to reassure him, but he didn't really have any answers.

His life would be very different from that of his twin.

Their conversation ended with Jim swearing he would do everything for his son, everything that he ever needed, he would be there to help him.

In the next few weeks the fragile baby fought off several infections, and underwent surgery to correct a hole in his heart. Jim was there for everything, Spock finally coming around and stopping being afraid of the child.

The other twin was developing normally, and his brother was finally beginning to catch up having dealt with more than his fair share of health problems, all cured by Bones who cared for him as if he was his own son.

Jim and Spock sat in their room, both still using leave time to care for the three children and unsure when they would return to shifts, though they both knew the other was itching to get back to work.

"So… they're four weeks old and still don't have names Spock," Jim sighed as they looked at the two small boys sleeping between them as they lounged in their bed. Seren was passed out in between them and looked so big next to them.

"They do not," Spock agreed, setting down the PADD he had been reading from and looking at his bondmate.

"I have a name… I said I'd come up with another name. I have one," Jim said and Spock nodded.

"I would be interested to hear it."

"Leonard," Jim said quietly. Spock's eyebrows stayed firmly in place.

"I had anticipated this suggestion and I am not opposed to it."

"Really? I mean… I wasn't sure if you'd like it. I was thinking you know… like Leo, if he wants, I mean he kinda is a real Leo… like a lionheart… he's a real fighter and yeah…" Jim rambled.

"In that case may I suggest another name?" Spock said and Jim nodded, gently stroking his index finger over the back of one sleeping twin's hand. Telling them apart was certainly a challenge

"James. Leonard James," Spock said and Jim smiled.

"I love it. And Bones'll hate it, so bonus points," Jim grinned.

"You share a very strange friendship with Doctor McCoy," Spock said and Jim leaned across to kiss him on the corner of the mouth.

"So do you," he smiled as they both went back to watching their children sleep, their finger tips just touching enough that they could both feel each others contentment.

* * *

Four incredible years later with a very heavy heart, Jim stepped onto the transporter pad. He looked around the now almost empty room and smiled.

As sad as he was that his family was leaving their home, he knew that the one they were going to, albeit temporarily, would be good for them.

"Christopher George Kirk you get down from there!" he said, in his best stern fatherly tone as he spotted his son trying to climb up onto the control panel.

"Aww," the young boy pouted.

"Come over here and hold my hand," he said, catching Spock's eye as he said it. He smiled as he saw Spock lift their other son into his arms.

"He does not want to leave the ship," Spock explained as the boy wiped his tears on the shoulder of his father's shirt.

"Aww come on buddy, we're going to have an adventure!" Jim said cheerily.

"Leo, come on, it'll be great fun and you'll have all new places to learn!" he encouraged. The boy reluctantly looked up, tears filling his dark eyes.

"Ready to transport Captain, Sir!" came another small voice.

"Right you are young lady, get on over here and we'll all go together," he said, opening his arm for his daughter to stand beside him. She was getting tall and it made his heart ache for the time she was small enough to sit in his hands. Jim was certain she was already smarter than him at the age of nearly five, and as much as it scared him, he couldn't wait to see what she could accomplish as she grew up.

"Leo, now is not the time to be upset. You should be experiencing positive emotions," Spock encouraged the small boy he was holding.

"But this is _home_," he protested.

Spock set him down and the twins immediately stood together. They had both developed their own distinct personalities. Christopher was very Jim. He was confident and sometimes cocky, always trying to run before he could walk, and always showing off. Leo was quieter but he was very bright, and didn't let not being able to see slow him down in the slightest. He had memorised the whole ship, knowing exactly how many steps it took him to get from place to place, precisely how many degrees to turn for every corner, and when he got lost, his brother would always be right beside him to show him the way.

Jim knelt before them and fondly ruffled their blond hair, giving one pointed ear a playful tug as he did so.

"Home is wherever we all are together," he said, placing one hand on each of their shoulders.

"C'mere, give me a hug," he said, opening his arms. They stepped forwards and he hugged them both, becoming aware of a third pair of arms around him and pulling Seren into the hug too.

"Right, can we all behave for ten seconds so we can get onto the planet?" he asked and the three children mumbled their agreement. He stood up.

"Mr. Scott, energise," he said with a smile. The Scotsman grinned and pretended to wipe away a tear.

Spock took a step closer, placing one hand on Jim's shoulder and one on that of their young daughter. The boys held onto Jim's legs as white lights began to spin around the family.

The first thing Jim was very aware of was the warmth of the sun on his skin. He'd craved the feeling for so long.

The next thing he was aware of was the torrent of camera flashes going off at all angles around them. Seren was unfazed, but the boys hid behind his and Spock's legs, occasionally peeking out at the crowd surrounding them.

"We did it, Spock," Jim smiled.

"We did," he agreed with a nod.

"Daddy, why is it so loud?" Christopher asked, tugging on the hem of his gold shirt.

"Because there's a lot of people all talking at the same time," he said, bending to pick up the young boy.

The camera flashes seemed to grow in intensity. Jim knew they'd be under media scrutiny, but even this seemed a little excessive.

"Cool!" he said excitedly and Jim chuckled, lifting him higher and kissing him on the cheek.

Despite their pointed ears and deep brown eyes, the boys couldn't have been less like Spock and more like Jim if they tried.

"Very cool," Jim agreed.

"It is in fact relatively mild for this time of year, Jim," Spock pointed out and Jim grinned so wide that it hurt his cheeks.

Seren was the first to notice the man in uniform walking towards the platform through the crowd, then ascending the step.

"Admiral," Jim greeted.

"Captain, Commander. It's good to have you back on solid ground," Archer smiled warmly, extending his hand to shake Jim's, then nodding to Spock who nodded in return.

"You making a football team or something?" he asked with a smile as he surveyed the children.

"Working on it," Jim smiled, one hand absentmindedly straying over his completely flat stomach. He wanted more, maybe another girl, but he knew he'd have a hard time convincing Spock to go through with it.

"Jim, a football team usually has eleven players," he said and Jim smirked.

"Oh I know, Spock."

"Are you suggesting that-"

"Yep!" Jim interrupted cheerily, giving Spock another cheeky grin. Spock's eyebrow raised so high that it looked painful.

"You're a strange man, Kirk," Archer shook his head and laughed.

Peering through over the top of the crowd Jim could see some familiar faces. He spotted Bones with Emily sitting up on his shoulders, Joanna at his side with little David balanced on her hip. Bones had a big smile on his face for once, and was talking with a woman Jim assumed was his mother. Carol was stood beside him, a relaxed smile on her face as they talked. Their little family was complete and Bones was the happiest Jim had ever known him, and far from the man he'd met on the shuttle that day in Riverside who'd had everything taken from him by the wife he'd caught cheating on him in their marital bed while their four-month old daughter slept in the next room.

Jim was glad Bones had been able to do things right with Carol; that he'd got to be there for all of the things he missed with Joanna with both David and Emily.

He could see Chekov talking rapidly to a large man with large eyebrows he assumed was his father, Sulu hugging his own parents nearby. Uhura was standing with Scotty who had just beamed himself down, awkwardly trying to decide what to do it seemed.

"Anyway, let's get some introductions done here!" said Jim clapping his hands together and getting the three children's attention.

"Seren, Christopher, Leo, this is Admiral Archer, or Uncle Jonathan seeing as he married Grandma…" Jim trailed off and the three children looked up at him curiously.

"I'll be Uncle Archer, how's that?" the Admiral said and Jim shrugged.

"Can I get a piggy-back ride from you?" Leo asked and Christopher smirked at his twin.

"Sure thing kiddo, hop on," Archer said enthusiastically.

Spock stepped in.

"Admiral. Their weight is significantly greater than it would appear, I believe they are attempting to play some sort of practical joke on you," said Spock and both boys sulked momentarily before getting over it. Leo tugged on Spock's sleeve until he lifted him up in the same way Jim had been holding Christopher.

"Their names… Christopher George and Leo James… interesting choices. You never did explain," Archer said as he looked out over the crowd with the two men.

"Christopher as in Pike, George as in Kirk, Leo as in it's short for Leonard but he won't answer to Leonard because it's an 'old man name', but that's after McCoy and then James because well… I kinda like families passing names down," Jim smiled.

"You telling me that in a couple years there'll be a new Jim Kirk causing trouble for Starfleet?"

"If he gets bored of Leo and wants to be Jim the second, then yeah, I guess so," Jim shrugged.

"I'll give you guys a week before we get into debriefing. You're gonna need it to get settled. And I've set it up so we can debrief in Riverside, rather than here at HQ. I figured you'd be heading home, so why make you commute when you've got the kids," he said and Jim smiled gratefully.

"It's going to be a real full house with everyone there, lucky we extended it ready for you," Archer smiled and Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I talked her round to it. It doesn't make sense for you guys to buy a house right now. We had an extra room added on the ground floor for the boys bedroom, and George's room has been re-done so it's fit for a young lady to live in there for a while," he smiled at Seren who just stared at him in return with curious blue eyes.

"You… didn't need to do that for us. We would have got around to getting our own place eventually, we just didn't know what was going to happen when we got back…" Jim trailed off as he looked at Spock.

"I believe we both have in excess of six-months of leave to use," Spock said matter-of-factly and Archer smiled and nodded.

"We will have plenty of time to make decisions," Spock said to Jim who looked as though he was still in need of some convincing.

_T'hy'la, it is logical to accept the Admiral's offer._

_I know Spock, but it's just weird, he's my step-father now and I don't like it._

_"_You two doing that weird mind-talking thing?" Archer asked with a smile.

"Uh…" Jim replied dumbly and Archer laughed.

"Come on, let's get out of here, I've had enough of being papped for one day," he said, leading Jim, Spock and the kids down from the platform and through the crowd.

"Sa-mekh, where are we going?" Leo asked as Spock carried him.

"We are going to the house where Jim grew up," he said. The boys sometimes called him 'Jim', and seeing as Jim didn't mind, Spock allowed it. He always felt a little flutter in his heart when they would address him in Vulcan.

"Which one is… which?" Archer asked Jim as they made their way through the gap in the crowd.

"Spock has Leo," Jim told him.

"That's incredible. You honestly cannot tell, and even in this kind of environment, the fact that he's so cool about it all is just really amazing. You've done good, kid," Archer smiled warmly and Jim paused.

"He's great. He wants to be like everyone else; and I don't think not being able to see is ever going to hold him back," Jim smiled.

"I mean, by the time he was crawling he'd learned the way from our room to the bridge, and they'd stand on each-others shoulders when they couldn't reach the control for the door or the turbo-lift. They're going to raise hell when they hit the academy," Jim smiled fondly.

"I'll issue an urgent memo to everyone with a daughter that they should keep them locked away," Archer beamed.

"Oh definitely. They've got too much Kirk in them for their own good."

Jim smiled as he noticed his mother standing nearby, George beside her.

"Hi, I feel like I know you from somewhere?" Jim smiled as he approached them.

"Oh Jimmy, I'm so proud," she sobbed as she pulled him into a bone-crushing hug.

"I am too. Never thought I could do it," he confessed.

"You are Uncle George," Seren pointed out to Jim's brother.

"Uh… yeah. I am," he responded nervously. He could feel Spock's eyes on him.

The young girl offered him the Ta'al and he smiled, doing his best to return the gesture.

Jim looked up as he felt a jolt of surprise through his bond to Spock. He saw Sarek standing there, not far from them.

Spock approached him, still holding Leo who was clinging to his shirt in a way that suggested he was ready to get out of the noise and into a quiet room.

"Son," Sarek greeted.

"Father," Spock returned. "I have… missed you," Spock said hesitantly and Sarek's lips curled in the faintest hint of a smile.

"And I you."

"Sa-mekh-al," Leo said confidently.

"Very good young one," said Sarek as he looked carefully at the boys face.

"He looks just like him, they both do, however your daughter is very similar to you in appearance," he noted.

"Although my opinion is biased and therefore invalid I believe them to be the three most beautiful children in all of this universe," Spock said and Sarek tilted his head, his tiny smile still present.

"Your opinion is correct, biased or not," Sarek said and it was Spock's turn to smile slightly.

"It's too loud," Leo mumbled and Spock nodded.

_Jim. We must leave._

_Yeah, I know. Let's get out of here._

* * *

They had the option to transport to Jim's mother's house, but they chose to take the shuttle Archer was piloting instead.

Jim made sure the three kids were strapped in securely while Spock and Sarek spoke to each other in Vulcan. Jim smiled at seeing them talking so well, their relationship had always been strained and he hoped it would improve.

Sitting staring out of the window, Christopher on his lap and Spock holding his hand, James T. Kirk watched the world flash by out of the shuttle window.

Everything he had left behind to go searching for other things, everything he had never wanted.

And suddenly, it was all he _did_ want.

He wanted a house with a picket fence, and a regular job where he could be there for the kids as they needed him. He wanted them to go to school and make friends, them to have a stable home.

As much as being a Starfleet Captain had been extremely exciting, his impending thirtieth birthday in a few short weeks had him thinking, and thinking hard.

_I'd give it all up, you know. The stars. I've got everything I ever needed right here._

Spock glanced up at him and smiled.

_We have time to make our decisions T'hy'la…_

_I know. But I do mean it. I don't need that life anymore Spock. Sure it's great out there, exploring new worlds and everything… but this is our biggest adventure, right here._

Spock squeezed his hand.

_I love you, James._

_I love you too._

* * *

Jim carefully tucked Seren into bed. The boys had fallen asleep instantly when he put them to bed, and she was already asleep and he'd had to carry her into the house.

"Sweet dreams," he whispered as he kissed her forehead.

"Illogical. Vulcan's do not dream. And a dream could not be 'sweet' as that is a taste and cannot be used to describe an involuntary thought," she corrected him and he chuckled.

"You know what I meant," he smiled as she opened her eyes.

"I do."

He kissed her forehead again and left the room, closing the door behind him and walking slowly down the hallway back to his own room.

Spock was sitting on the edge of the bed dealing with a visibly upset Leo.

"I don't like it! I can't find anywhere! I want to go home," he protested. He'd managed to bump his head and then trip over as he tried to find his way to his parent's room and he was frustrated.

"You were able to learn the layout of the Enterprise very quickly, I am certain you will have no problems learning the layout of this house," Spock assured him.

"But it's weird here! I don't like it," he sulked and Jim sat down beside Spock and pulled the young boy into a hug.

"You'll get used to it, I promise," Jim said softly.

"I'll take you back to bed now," he said and the boy tensed.

Jim sighed and Spock looked at him, his face surprisingly soft.

"You want to stay in here with us for tonight?" Jim offered and he nodded quickly.

"OK, but no kicking," Jim warned. The boys had often climbed into their bed with them back on the ship, but Jim had put his foot down after they would accidentally kick him and leave him with bruises from not knowing their own strength.

"No kicking," Leo agreed, crawling under the sheets and popping up in the middle of the bed. Jim settled on his left and Spock on his right, their hands lacing together across their youngest son.

_Goodnight, T'hy'la._

_Goodnight Spock._

Jim woke up several hours later to the sound of the dawn chorus. The birds singing was something he had missed the most during his time in space.

It took him a few seconds to realise he was on the very edge of the bed with very little blanket and he opened his eyes slightly, smiling as he was met with the sight of Seren, Christopher and Leo all squashed between him and Spock, the faint early morning light just peeking through the gap in the blinds.

He looked at the four of them sleeping and he smiled. His family. Everything he would ever need.

After watching them for a while he slipped from the bed, far too awake to go back to sleep. He tiptoed downstairs, not wanting to wake anybody and crept out onto the front porch.

"Morning," came Archer's voice and he almost jumped a foot in the air.

"You scared the crap out of me," he laughed as he walked over to the swinging bench Archer was sitting on.

He was already dressed in his civilian clothes and clean-shaven, and Jim felt scruffy beside him in his tattered old pyjamas, two days of stubble on his face.

The bench creaked as Jim sat down beside the Admiral, his eyes immediately drawn upwards to the infinite sky stretching out before him.

The stars were fading as the sun rose, but a few were still just visible and Jim smiled.

"You're done with the darkness for a while huh?" Archer asked and Jim nodded.

"Yeah. I feel like enjoying a little daylight for a while. We'll get everything figured out I'm sure," he said, still looking out at the sky.

"Well, the dawn has to come sometime. Enjoy it. You've sure as hell earned it, kid," Archer smiled… and Jim would have described his smile as proud.

In five years the Admiral had become almost like a father-figure to him, as Pike had been once.

The two men sat in silence as the birds sang around them, watching the stars fade as the sun rose over the endless fields surrounding the house.

"I've missed Iowa," Jim said quietly.

"It's… beautiful in its own way I guess," Archer chuckled. "You think you'd miss the stars though? If you decided to stay?"

Jim shrugged and looked up at the last star remaining visible in sky, yet to be chased away by the sun as it rose.

"Of course I'd miss it. But this? Here with Spock and the kids? I wouldn't want to miss that for anything. They're my stars now… my uncharted space to explore, I guess... I mean… you know… metaphorically," Jim ended awkwardly and the Admiral chuckled softly, getting up slowly from his seat.

"The next generation of Kirks to go out into the black and come back with many stories for us, I hope," he said, patting Jim on the shoulder as he passed him to head back into the house.

Jim sat alone for a while, watching the last star fade as the sun peeked out over the horizon.

"I could sit here forever watching that sun rising," Jim said, sensing Spock standing behind him.

Spock walked slowly around the seat and sat down beside his bondmate, enthralled with the way the sun reflected in his mesmerizing azure eyes.

"I could sit here forever and watch you watch the sun rising," Spock said with a small smile and Jim looked up at him, lips curling into the trademark lopsided Kirk smile he had come to know and love so well.

"I'd like that, Commander," Jim smiled as the gap between their faces slowly evaporated.

"As would I, Captain."

-FIN-

**A/N**

**Well, here we are, and it's been a hell of a ride! I never thought I could be so drawn into something, but it happened, and I won't deny that I have loved it. And now I've finally come to the happy ending I've always wanted to write and didn't quite know how to.**

**There is going to be one more chapter, an epilogue, and then I will post the first chapter of the sequel, or maybe just a teaser, I haven't decided yet… we'll see how it goes.**

**THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed, followed, favourited, everything. You've kept me writing. You've helped me overcome writers block when I've had it, you've made me hate myself for killing Spock (sorry about that again by the way) but you've also made me believe in myself as a writer (and I say writer in the loosest sense of the word, I'm under no illusions as to my uh… ****_limited_**** abilities).**

**I'd really love to know how YOU felt about the story as a whole. Tell me what parts you loved and hated, when you cried and laughed (if you did at all…) and when you could have climbed through your computer and strangled me. I want to be better, so be honest. But let me just point something out… I was so nice this last chapter... I mean, you get like… sappiness, twin baby boys with Jim's hair and Spock's eyes, Bones becoming a daddy again (twice over too), hotttt horny Jim sex (and tell me how that was too, never really written sex before this story haha), and then just the ultimate smushyness for the ending. Consider that if you leave me a comment :)**

**Epilogue soon and sequel to follow!**

**Much love to you, and thank you endlessly for reading,**

**-What'sHerName xo**


	28. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

"God, I'm so nervous, you wouldn't think that I'm already technically married!" Jim bounced on the balls of his feet in front of the mirror, Bones next to him fumbling with his tie.

"No. You wouldn't. Are you getting dressed sometime today or what?" he asked as he eyed Jim standing in just his boxers and a white undershirt.

"Yeah… that'd probably be a good start," Jim sighed and ran his trembling hands through his hair.

"Quit it! You're making me nervous!" Bones said gruffly, giving Jim a shove.

Jim grumbled and wandered into the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror for a few long moments before beginning to shave, careful not to cut himself as he was usually pretty clumsy.

He fixed his hair and brushed his teeth, before walking back out into the bedroom where Bones had already got his suit out for him and laid it on the bed.

"Thanks honey!" Jim grinned and Bones glared.

"You're such a child."

"Stop acting like you don't enjoy it," Jim poked his tongue out and glanced at the clock.

"Oh shit, definitely didn't realise the time," he mumbled as he peeled off his white tee and threw it aside, snatching up the shirt from the bed and pulling it on.

"God damn it," he muttered as he reached the top and realised he had buttoned it all up wrong.

"Bones I can't even button my fucking shirt!"

"You want my diagnosis Jim? Retardation, you've been displaying classic symptoms your whole life. Now get on with it!" the doctor ordered, staring at himself in the full length mirror and fiddling with little things on his own suit.

Jim got his shirt buttons correct on the second attempt and pulled on his pants next, then his tie and finally his jacket.

"How'd I look?" he asked, doing a twirl and causing his best man to sigh deeply.

"Like a fucking princess."

"Bones! Seriously!"

"Ok. You look good kid, and your ass looks pretty peachy in those pants. Just… c'mere your hair looks too… neat," he said, ruffling his friends hair slightly before stepping back.

"I'd marry you myself now," he said and Jim gave a nervous smile and looked at himself in the mirror.

His light grey suit fitted him perfectly, and his blue shirt definitely made his eyes pop, just as Uhura had promised it would. He was glad his friends had made such an effort of helping organise everything, right down to choosing the venue for them and keeping it secret until the two men would arrive.

"Now can you tell me where we're going?" Jim asked and Bones shook his head.

"Not until we get there."

"You suck and I hate you," Jim frowned as Bones led him from the room and downstairs, out onto the busy street below.

* * *

"I cannot deny that I feel… uncomfortable," Spock mumbled as Uhura fussed with his tie.

"You look great," she assured, straightening the tie and stepping back to admire her handiwork.

"Spock… I think you should dress like this everyday," she grinned, unable to help herself.

He looked… incredible. His black suit was perfectly tailored, fitting his slim frame impeccably, the crisp white shirt and dark blue tie finishing it perfectly. He just looked so incredibly _awkward_ in human formal wear, and that made it even more endearing.

"I have one thing for you, just… a little gift," she smiled as she fumbled in her bag for the small box.

"I gave the same to Jim," she said as he opened his mouth as if to object.

He accepted the box and opened it, one eyebrow raising as he looked at the contents.

Silver cufflinks. But they were not a matching pair. Both were tiny replicas of the Starfleet logo, but one bore the science emblem and the other the command emblem.

"Thank you," he said simply and she nodded.

"Don't mention it."

He fumbled with them as he tried to put them on himself. She noticed his hands were shaking uncharacteristically.

"Here, let me," she said, fastening the cufflinks for him. As she finished the second one she began to retract her hand but he stopped her, taking hold of her wrist and then sliding down to her hand so they were palm to palm.

"Thank you, Nyota, for everything," he said, more softly and she smiled.

"It's been a pleasure," she said and much to her surprise he gave her hand a small squeeze before releasing it.

"Are you ready?" she asked and he surveyed himself in the mirror once more.

"As ready as I will ever be," he said shakily and she smiled at how nervous he was.

"You'll do fine Spock, I promise you Jim is just as nervous as you are, and it's only natural," she assured as he continued to stare at himself in the mirror.

"I am merely concerned about my lack of familiarity of the customs surrounding a human wedding… I fear I will do something wrong," he said and she placed hand on his shoulder.

"You'll do just fine."

* * *

"Bones you cannot be serious," Jim gasped as they materialised.

They were aboard the Enterprise, in a low orbit over Earth.

The entire observation deck had been transformed for the purpose of the day and Jim was overwhelmed at the amount of effort that had gone into it. Rows of seats faced the floor to ceiling glass with a space at the front for Jim and Spock to stand. On the other side of the room circular tables had been laid out, covered with white cloths, their centrepieces were a mix of flowers, some of which Jim recognised as being from New Vulcan.

"I'm very serious. There's no other place you guys could have done this, so I talked to Archer and got it done."

"It's… so perfect," Jim smiled, doing his best not to tear up.

"Don't start crying on me you big infant," Bones warned and Jim shook his head and grabbed his friend in a hug.

"Thank you," he mumbled into his friends shoulder.

"You're welcome. But if you cry on my suit I'll disembowel you," he threatened and Jim laughed, pulling away.

"Nope. No crying. I'm going to be a man today, no crying at all," he said firmly.

Bones shook his head and knew that with some of the things they had planned, Jim would be a blubbering wreck.

"Right. We gotta get out of here, Spock will be here in ten minutes and you need to be as far away as possible, so come on, let's go see the kids and see if they've driven Carol and your Mom insane yet," he said, pulling him from the room by his arm.

He led him down to one of the larger conference rooms which had also been emptied and temporarily furnished to be fit for purpose, with a few small tables with chairs around them rather than the one large conference table that normally stood in the centre of the room.

"Well well well, you scrub up pretty good Doctor," Carol smiled as she approached the two men in the doorway.

"You don't look so shabby yourself," he responded, kissing her cheek and wrapping one arm around her waist.

She looked incredible in a floor length blue dress that shimmered in the light as she moved.

Jim winked at Bones and walked past them to find his mother sitting with his and Spock's three children. Christopher spotted him first and flung himself at him with an excited cry of "Daddy!"

Jim couldn't help but laugh as he was climbed on by three small but deceptively heavy bodies that pinned him into a chair before he could do anything to object.

"None of them slept last night, not a wink," Winona told him and Jim laughed.

"Yep. Part Vulcan," Jim grinned as he ruffled Leo's hair fondly.

"You three all look great, Grandma did a good job getting you dressed," he smiled as he looked at them. Leo and Christopher looked very smart in suits that were similar to Jim's but in a darker fabric, and Seren was wearing a pretty formal dress in a dark blue colour, her long hair bound in an intricate bun on the top of her head. As she'd got older she'd started wearing her hair up more and more often, but refused to let anyone ever cut it, preferring to have the option of wearing it long when she wanted to. Jim always laughed at how mature it was for a five year old.

He glanced over at Bones and Carol. Joanna was sitting at a nearby table, trying to get her little brother to stop crying. She was ten years old now and had grown so much in the time Jim had known her, even he found it scary that in a few short years she could go to the academy and follow in their footsteps. Little Emily was only a few months younger than his twins, and had been their best friend on the ship. She seemed to be particularly fond of Leo, and would always take care of him. David was almost three years old, and had his father's sulky expression down to a tee.

"Honey? Are you alright? You spaced out for a second," Jim blinked and looked back to his Mom who was staring at him.

"Yeah… I'm fine. A little nervous I guess," he admitted.

"That's normal. You'll do fine," she smiled and he nodded, staring over at Bones who also looked more nervous than he should.

* * *

The next sixty minutes were a blur and before Jim knew it, it was showtime.

"I'm literally the most nervous I have ever been in all my life," he sighed, taking a deep breath and a sip of water.

"Quit your whining. Like you said, you're already married, so suck it up," Bones said gruffly and Jim nodded.

"You're right. I mean. We are. I just. It feels weird. Doing this the human way. I mean the Vulcan part was easy… but this has witnesses and stuff," he trailed off weakly.

"I can't think of any two people who _need_ to do this more than you two, you've needed to do this since the day of that damn Kobayashi Maru six years ago."

"Yeah… that was my first thought too Bones, as he was almost getting me thrown out of Starfleet, I was standing there thinking 'I know what'd be great, I'll turn gay and marry this guy someday,'" he said sarcastically and Bones slapped the back of his head.

"You never seem… you don't act like… y'know…"

"Gay?" Jim asked helpfully.

"Yeah. That," Bones shifted awkwardly.

"Because I don't think I am. It isn't men that I like, it's just him."

"That's so damn cute I think I might just puke," Bones grumbled and Jim shoved him playfully.

"Shut it old man. You going to walk me down the aisle or what?" Jim asked and Bones shook his head.

"Nobody is walking anyone down the aisle. You each go on your own, and anyway, you're now late so get your ass out of here!" Bones said as he glanced at the clock.

"Hey, I'm the bride! I'm allowed to be late," Jim smirked and Bones just sighed, shoving him out of the room and down the now empty corridor back towards the observation deck.

* * *

Spock was nervous. Jim was five point eight minutes late, and it scared him.

"He ees just showing off Sir, he ees making for dramatic entrance," Chekov assured him and Spock nodded gratefully.

Spock glanced at the three children sitting in the very front row, they were behaving themselves and sitting quietly, but they would often become unpredictable when Jim was around. Next to them was Winona, and next to her Sarek, looking at his son curiously. Spock assumed his own parents had not had a 'human' wedding, and had simply bonded in the Vulcan way, though he had never actually asked. The next three seats were taken by Carol with David on her lap, Joanna and Emily. The last seat of the front row was occupied by Uhura, who had changed into a vibrant purple formal gown that Spock made a mental note to compliment her on later.

He liked that Jim had changed that in him. Shown him how to compliment people, how to talk to people, how to be more human.

The second row consisted of Chekov, Sulu, Nurse Chapel, Scotty and a few other senior staff from the Enterprise.

Spock felt awkward waiting. Waiting waiting waiting. Time seemed to crawl by and he flinched as a hand made contact with his shoulder, turning to glace back at Archer who told him to look forward.

He looked up and noticed the door of the room was now open, everyone sitting got to their feet and Jim appeared in the doorway. Scotty wolf-whistled loudly and Jim blushed pink as Bones appeared beside him. They walked together until they reached where Spock and Archer stood.

"Damn it Jim. I don't believe you made me walk you down the aisle!"

"I can't believe you actually did it," he laughed nervously.

"Am I done babysitting you yet?" Bones asked and Spock cleared his throat.

"I will take it from here, thank you, Leonard." Bones grumbled something that sounded like 'big idiot' as he walked over to his family and sat down, Emily sitting on his lap.

Jim was visibly shaking and was avoiding meeting Spock's eye.

"Jim, do you need a second?" Archer asked quietly and Jim shook his head.

"No. I'm… I'm fine," he said determinedly, looking up at Spock and then to the room full of people, offering a trademark lopsided Kirk smile.

"Right then! Friends, family, we are here today to join James Kirk and Spock in marriage. Before I continue is there anyone here who might have any objections?" he asked the formal question, knowing full well that he was unlikely to get a response. Nobody said anything.

"No? Excellent! Let's begin," he said smiling at Jim who gave him a small smile in return before reaching across and taking Spock's hand in his own, relief washing over him as he felt it was trembling just as much as his.

* * *

"The first time I met Jim was on a shuttle leaving from Riverside, Iowa. I told him I might throw up on him, gave him somethin' to drink and that was apparently all it took to get him to never leave me alone again," Bones said and the room chuckled, Jim smirking as he took another sip of his champagne. Bones' best man speech was never going to be kind to him, but he knew he'd have to just take it in his stride.

"We went through three years at the Academy together, and he just became the biggest pain in the ass you could imagine. He was cocky, arrogant and really obnoxious at times."

"Hey McCoy, don't hold back, say what you really feel!" Sulu catcalled and Jim cheered appreciatively that someone was sticking up for him.

"Let me finish Mr. Sulu," said Bones, shooting him a warning glare.

"Where was I? Oh right. Jim is an asshole. But anyway, this one day, Jim decides it's a great idea to cheat on his Kobayashi Maru exam because he can't pass it any other way, and that's when this handsome devil comes into the picture," Bones said, clapping Spock on the shoulder who looked up at him with a raised eyebrow and a bemused expression.

"Now personally, if someone had kicked my ass on the bridge, thrown me over a console and strangled me, and then marooned me on Delta Vega, I wouldn't have repayed them by having their kids and marrying them, but hey, I guess Jimbo is just into that kinda stuff," Bones said, drawing another laugh from the crowd and another glare from Jim who was blushing a healthy pink by this point.

"No. Seriously now, all joking aside. Jim is the happiest I have ever known him to be. He's always been like there was a piece missing, but not anymore. Spock, thank you for completing him, because god only knows it takes a special kind of person to tolerate a pain in the ass like Jim. I'm going to leave it at that, everything else to be said can be said by what's coming next. To Jim and Spock!" he said, raising his glass in toast.

"I believe you were quite fortunate that Leonard was not more insulting," Spock mumbled after he had sipped from his own champagne.

"Well you weren't the butt of the jokes, so that's easy for you to say," Jim smiled before glancing around quickly as the lights lowered.

The screen over the large viewing window descended and the room became very dark.

_Don't worry, I'm sure this is just some dramatic piece of theatre, no doubt Uncle Scotty is behind it,_ Jim assured the kids through their parental bond, feeling their unease.

A low spotlight drew everyone's attention to the corner of the room, next to the obscured viewing screen as a piano rang out the first few notes to a song Jim didn't know.

Projected onto the blacked out viewing screen was a hologram that Jim didn't know existed. It must have been captured during their time on Earth before they set out for the mission. It was of himself and Spock walking along the beach in San Francisco, the sun setting on the horizon behind them. Jim recognised his clothing as what he had worn on their first ever official date.

_You walked with me,_

_Footprints in the sand,_

_And helped me understand,_

_Where I'm going._

Jim felt his jaw drop as the spotlight widened and Uhura appeared, singing softly and with a voice he always suspected she might have, but never had any evidence of.

Jim watched as holographic him gave Spock a playful shove that was not reciprocated. He remembered that night so clearly.

_You walked with me,_

_When I was all alone,_

_With so much unknown, along the way,_

_Then I heard you say…_

The hologram changed into a flat projected image, a still of Jim in his chair glancing back at Spock when he thought nobody was looking, the tiniest of smiles on his lips.

Uhura gave him a meaningful look and Jim leaned into Spock's ear.

"I think we're supposed to dance now," he whispered and Spock raised an eyebrow.

"It's traditional. You said you'd follow traditions," Jim pointed out and Spock sighed as he stood up.

Jim took his hand and led him onto the empty dancefloor to rapturous applause from the room.

"I feel incredibly foolish," Spock mumbled as Jim wrapped his arms around his neck and Spock wrapped his around Jim's lower back.

"So do I, isn't it great?" Jim grinned.

_I promise you,_

_I'm always there,_

_When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair,_

_I'll carry you,_

_When you need a friend,_

_You'll find my footprints in the sand_

Jim was grateful the song was slow, meaning they could get away with just slowly revolving in a circle, glancing at the projected images and occasionally at Uhura who would smile whenever she saw them looking. Jim noticed it was Scotty at the piano and made a mental note to tease him about it later.

The image on the screen changed to one obviously from the security camera system on the Enterprise. It was Jim and Spock with their backs to the camera, both in uniform, their fingertips just barely touching as they walked down the hallway.

Jim smiled, he remembered those days, when they tried to be subtle.

_I see my life,_

_Flash across the sky,_

_So many times have I, been so afraid._

Jim joined the laughter at the next picture. He was practically crawling up the wall of the shuttle having just seen the most enormous alien spider fall down from the ceiling. Spock was looking at him as if to say 'are you seriously afraid of something like a spider, you big idiot'.

_And just when I,_

_Thought I lost my way,_

_You give me strength to carry on,_

_That's when I heard you say…_

Jim felt a lump rise in his throat at the next image to appear.

He was laying in sickbay, tiny bundle in his arms that he knew was Seren. He remembered that day entirely too well. The raw pain of Spock not being there was etched all over his face in the image and he felt Spock flinch slightly at seeing it. It changed only a moment later to an image captured only a few weeks later and also captured without Jim or Spock's knowledge.

They were both standing over Seren in her crib, Jim's head resting on Spock's shoulder and Spock's lips pressed to the top of his head. There was a communal 'aww' at the image and Jim smiled at Spock.

_I promise you,_

_I'm always there,_

_When your heart is filled with sadness and despair,_

_And I'll carry you,_

_When you need a friend,_

_You'll find my footprints in the sand…_

Spock was the first to notice that he and Jim were no longer the only two people dancing.

Emily McCoy was leading a very embarrassed looking Leo around in a slow circle, and Carol was grinning away in the background, Bones shaking his head but also smiling.

It wasn't long before they too had joined in.

_When I'm weary, I know you'll be there,_

_And I can feel you, when you say…_

Jim couldn't hold back the tears at the next image. It was of the five of them, only a few weeks after the twins had been born. He'd forced Bones to take a picture of all of them together, as at that point nobody was sure that Leo would make it. Jim in the picture was holding the tiny blue bundle so carefully, so fearfully. Now that tiny bundle was thriving and growing and doing every bit as well as his twin.

_I promise you,_

_I'm always there,_

_When your heart is filled with sadness and despair,_

_And I'll carry you,_

_When you need a friend,_

_You'll find my footprints in the sand…_

As the song drew to a close Jim was vaguely aware of the dancefloor being full of couples now, but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was kiss his husband. So he did, pressing his lips firmly to Spock's as Uhura sang the final line of the song.

_You'll find my footprints in the sand._

A final image appeared and Jim grinned widely. It had been captured moments after they had materialised on Earth after the five year mission, but it summed them up perfectly. Spock had his hand on Jim's shoulder, his other hand on Seren's shoulder. Leo was hanging onto Jim's leg, and Jim was holding Christopher, having just picked him up. The smile on all their faces was genuine, and it made Jim immeasurably happy to see it.

Jim broke away from Spock and found himself standing at Uhura's side at the microphone. Everyone was applauding and he grinned and joined them, Uhura nervously taking a small bow.

"Always had a feeling you could sing," he smiled as he pulled her into a hug.

"Always been too shy," she blushed.

"Thank you. That was… perfect."

"No problem," she grinned.

Scotty appeared and cleared his throat.

"Can I cut in Cap'n? I was gonnae ask this lovely lady to dance," he said and Jim grinned.

"She's all yours Mr. Scott," he said as he stepped back.

He glanced around. Emily McCoy still hadn't released Leo from her grasp, but he seemed more relaxed with it now. Christopher was talking to Sulu and Chekov, no doubt up to some kind of mischief. Seren was standing at the window, gazing down at the planet below. He walked over to her and she looked up at him.

"You look tired sweetie, do you want to go for a nap?" he offered and she shook her head.

"I am not an infant. I do not require sleep during daylight hours," she said and Jim smiled, picking her up.

"You'll always be a baby to me. And you look tired. You can sleep in the daytime once in a while," he said and she thought for a moment.

"I am tired," she agreed and he nodded, carrying her towards the doorway to take her to put down in his quarters. She knew her way around the ship well, so when she woke up she could find her way back easily.

Jim noticed she had already fallen asleep by the way she had gone limp in his arms as he carried her down the hallways until he reached the room. He keyed in the code and carried her to the bed, gently setting her down and pushing a few stray pieces of hair back off her face.

He smiled as he looked at her. She was so incredibly smart, and he just knew there were big things in the future for her.

"She is already on the path to greatness," said Spock from behind him. Jim turned and smiled.

"I know. I'm so proud of her already. I still don't believe she's five years old and is working at a fifteen-year old human's level. At this rate we'll be sending her off the college at the age of ten," Jim said and it was Spock's turn to smile.

"She will make an excellent scientist."

"She'd be a good Captain someday too, she can sure as hell boss us around," Jim smiled as Spock reached his hand out towards him. Jim took it, eyes tracing over the new ring firmly in place on Spock's left hand.

"I know how much wearing a ring is going to annoy you, I won't be offended if you don't want to wear-"

"I am certain I will become used to the feeling. My hands are more sensitive than yours, but not as sensitive as a full Vulcan," he said, cutting Jim off.

"It's been a really nice day," Jim sighed and Spock nodded.

"It has. I would be interested in obtaining a copy of the video footage from the ships security system." Jim snorted.

"You mean like a wedding video?"

"We should return, T'hy'la, Joanna McCoy has ordered me to find you, stating that you still owe her a dance," Spock said with a small smile on his lips. Jim grinned and leaned in to kiss him. At first it was gentle, but then became a little more urgent, Jim's tongue begging for entrance which Spock denied him.

"We must return," Spock said more firmly.

"But you look so good in your suit and I've been waiting all day to get you alone and-"

"We are not alone," Spock pointed out.

"Well yeah I know, but she's a heavy sleeper and we could go on the couch in the other room-" Jim attempted to persuade but Spock wouldn't budge.

"There will be plenty of time to be spent alone later," Spock said as he began to drag Jim out of the room and back towards the observation deck.

* * *

"Uncle Leonard?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"Why are we sleeping at you and Aunt Carol's house?"

Leonard McCoy chuckled.

"Because your daddies want to spend some time alone after getting married today, so we're having a slumber party all week," he said. Leo cocked his head to one side.

"Why don't they want us there? I thought we were celebrating."

"Oh no we are, they just want to celebrate in a uh… different way," he said awkwardly and Carol smirked. The last time they'd seen Jim and Spock was in the transporter room, Spock had grabbed Jim and thrown him over his shoulder, causing him to shriek and giggle like a little girl. Bones didn't really want to think about what they were doing to each other by this point.

Leo was the last child left awake, and he was in the middle of Bones and Carol's bed. Surrounding him and fast asleep all in the one large bed were David, Emily, Joanna, Christopher and Seren.

"It'll be fun, you all get to spend a whole week together. Tomorrow we're going to go to the beach," he said and Leo screwed up his face.

"Is that the one with sand? Or the one with trees?" he asked and Bones smiled. Having lived on the ship their whole lives until this point they only knew of such places from their studies, having never really experienced them before.

"The one with sand, you can run and run and there'll be nothing in your way."

"Good. I don't like trees. Trees hurt when you walk into them," the boy chuckled and Bones felt a tug of emotion. He was just the most positive kid; dealing so incredibly well with everything life threw at him.

Leonard continued chatting to his young namesake until he too fell asleep. He stood up and smiled at the six children in the bed before leaving the find Carol.

"We've got a good little bunch there," he said as he stepped out onto the terrace. Carol looked round at him and smiled.

"We have. They're so cute all together like that."

"What do you think, next crew of the Enterprise?" he asked and she shook her head.

"They're all so different, they could do anything," she said, looking up at the stars above them.

They'd come home after the wedding, bringing all the children with them. Jim and Spock had gone on honeymoon and were staying at Sulu's beach house for a week. They hadn't really wanted to go anywhere, but Sulu had insisted. The beach house was nice and private and they could just spend all day together there without seeing another person.

"We could do anything you know, together," Bones said, stepping forward and standing behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and placing a gentle kiss on the side of her neck. She raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean Doctor?" she asked, turning around in his arms to face him. She was surprised to find him looking nervous.

"Exactly what I said. We could do anything together… you're so good for me… and you've given me two amazing gifts in Emily and David, and you've loved and cared for Joanna like she was your own, and I just… I've been doing a lot of thinking. And then when I was done I did some more thinking… and I really think…" he stepped back and slipped one hand into his pocket, pulling out a small black box. Carol's breath hitched in her throat as he dropped to one knee.

"I really think that I love you Carol Wallace, and I want us to be a real family, official, like with rings and vows and everything," he said, opening the box in his outstretched hand to reveal a gold ring with a diamond glinting up at her.

"Will you marry me?"

He looked terrified and her face cracked into a grin.

"Of course I will!" she cried, pulling him to his feet and throwing her arms around his neck, kissing him like her life depended on it.

With trembling hands he slid the ring into place on her finger and she grinned through the tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Thought you had the steadiest hands in existance?"

"Around you darlin', I can't keep anything steady," he grinned, pulling her in for another kiss.

* * *

Jim sighed and closed his eyes, just feeling the warm night air against his skin. He was laying in a hammock beneath the endless stars, his jacket, shirt and tie discarded somewhere between the house and his current location.

"Here," Spock said, handing him a glass and he smiled and opened his eyes.

"Thanks," he said, taking a sip of the sweet liquid.

"Can't believe I've got you drinking actual alcohol," he chuckled as Spock took a sip from his own glass.

"It is a special occasion," Spock said, taking another sip.

"Damn right it is. Not every day you get married," Jim smiled, taking Spock's hand in his own.

"You did really good today, following all my stupid customs and stuff," Jim said as he sat up and heaved himself out of he hammock, standing beside his Vulcan.

"I am pleased that my performance was adequate, I must confess that I felt slightly uncomfortable at several points," he admitted and Jim smiled, leaning in and placing a tender kiss to his lips.

"There's one more human custom that we could have a go at, if you're interested?" Jim offered and Spock quirked an eyebrow.

"As far as I am aware, the only thing remaining is to… consummate our marriage," Spock said and Jim giggled, not even caring that he giggled. He didn't have to pretend anymore, or ever again, he could just be himself.

"Well it involves that. It's kind of an old human tradition to make a baby on honeymoon," Jim said hopefully and Spock tensed.

"T'hy'la…"

"I know. I know after the boys we said no more. I know it was scary and hard and damn my body was so beat up from them, but I just… one more time Spock, come on, you can't deny you miss them being babies," Jim pressed and Spock softened slightly, draining the remaining liquid in his glass before placing it on the small table next to the hammock.

"I am not convinced that it would be a wise choice. The prospect of losing you or either of our sons during the complications last time has caused me to appreciate what we already have. We have been very fortunate up until this point, I would not wish to do anything that puts your health at risk-"

"But I'm healthy! Spock! Come on, look at me, tell me I don't look healthy to you?" Jim demanded and Spock looked at him. Jim was in great shape, and aside from the faded scar running vertically down the centre of his lower abdomen you could not tell he had ever carried a child, let alone three.

"I feel a duty to the Vulcan species to assist with increasing the population numbers," Spock sighed, one hand settling on the back of Jim's neck, the other resting on the side of his face, fingertips ghosting over his cheekbone. "However, I am concerned for your wellbeing. I must insist we will attempt once more, and if unsuccessful after one year we will not have any further children," Spock said and Jim's face cracked into a grin.

"Deal. Now let's go make babies," Jim smirked, downing the remainder of his drink and dragging Spock into the house by his hand.

They reached the bedroom and tumbled onto the soft mattress together, lips colliding and hands caressing warm skin, Jim's legs wrapping around Spock's waist as Spock's fingers fumbled urgently with the button on his pants...

Jim woke several hours later, the sunlight streaming in through the open blinds having roused him from his slumber. He was still tired, and without moving he could tell that he was going to be sore when he did. Spock had always been good at bending him maybe a little further than he should. He felt as though they'd certainly tried their best at making a baby, and if they hadn't succeeded, it wasn't through lack of effort.

He snuggled closer to the warm body beside him and went back to sleep, because today he wasn't the Captain, and today he wasn't Dad either. Today all he had to do was this and only this.

James T. Kirk fell asleep with a smile on his face and not a care in the world.

* * *

Sequel can be found here :)

s/9665180/1/Standing-In-The-Sun


	29. Sequel preview - Standing In The Sun

**Hi!**

**This story (as mentioned in the description) is a sequel to 'After Darkness Comes The Dawn'. You'll need to read that first, or this will make pretty much no sense to you!**

**I don't own Star Trek or any of the actual Trek characters, but I do however own Seren, Christopher, Leo, Emily, David and a few others that we haven't met yet ;)**

**Let's see how this goes shall we...**

* * *

**Chapter One**

Christopher George Kirk rolled over onto his stomach, face nuzzling into the soft pillow.

He was tired. It had been a long few days with moving into their new apartment and of course celebrating the big move.

He planned on going straight back to sleep, allowing his aching body a bit more time to recover.

"Chris? Jim wants to talk to you," his twin's voice interrupted his slumber and he groaned, reaching one arm out of the nest of blankets to accept the communicator. Leo fumbled as he searched for his hand, but eventually handed over the device.

"Wassamatter?" he slurred sleepily.

"Morning sunshine," his father greeted cheerfully and Chris groaned loudly, burying his face into the pillows.

"I was just wondering why every time I look out of my office window I'm met with your pert little _ass_? You said modelling Christopher; you never said anything about butt modelling."

Christopher sighed.

"Because I got paid a lot of money for that underwear campaign. Like more than you earn in a month, for three hours work and my ass on a couple hundred big screens. Sounds like a good deal to me, and if that upsets you then you should see the other picture," he mumbled.

"Just because you've got it, doesn't mean it needs to be flaunted outside my office window. Spock is going to flip a table when he see's it," Jim warned and Chris snorted.

"I'd love to see that. Maybe something I do will finally get some kind of reaction out of him. Is this all you wanted to talk about? Because I'm trying to sleep here," he whined and Jim chuckled.

"Meet me later for dinner? Both of you?"

"Can't. I have a hot date."

Jim sighed loudly.

"Well fine, I'll just take Leo out for dinner."

"That's fine. I'd rather get laid," he shrugged and Jim snorted.

"You're too much like me for your own good," he said, ending the communication. Chris groaned again and snapped the communicator shut, throwing it carelessly aside and listening to it clatter across the floor.

"You in trouble or something?" asked his twin and he peeked his eyes open. Leo was still standing by the bed and had been for the whole conversation.

"Yeah, he's worried about how bad Spock will be offended when he see's my ass up on that big screen by HQ," he said, causing Leo to smirk.

"I still don't believe that it's even true. I think we're both ugly as trolls and this entire 'I'm a male model' thing is some ploy to boost my confidence."

"Yeah well you keep thinking that if you want, but the evidence is all there that we are two damn good looking cross-breeds," he said as he threw the blankets off and swung his legs around to get out of bed.

"One day maybe I'll find out," Leo said and Chris placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Sure you will, and on that day you'll just want to stare at yourself in the mirror all day and touch yourself inappropriately because you're just so damn sexy, little brother!" he grinned, clapping his brother on the back before leaving the room to raid the fridge.

Leo followed him, and Chris flinched as his twin bumped his shoulder into the doorway. He wasn't quite used to their new apartment yet, but they had only been there three days so he had plenty of time to learn the place.

"Hey don't get bruises or Jim'll accuse me of beating you!" he warned as he flung the fridge open.

"I wouldn't dream of it," Leo said.

Chris looked at his twin and smiled. They were both incredibly fortunate in the looks department, but Leo definitely edged him slightly. There was just something about him that made him ever so slightly better looking, and Chris wondered if it was the complete innocence in his deep brown eyes. Having never seen the world, he'd never been corrupted by it.

"So when I meet Jim for dinner later I might go home with him and sleep at the house. You were kinda loud yesterday with that girl and… I… yeah… it made me uncomfortable," he admitted as he fumbled in the cupboard for a box of cereal.

"Sorry… not my fault if they're screamers," Chris shrugged and Leo screwed up his face.

"But it's your fault that _you're_ a screamer," he pointed out and Chris laughed.

"You should have felt what she was doing to me and see if _you_ could have kept quiet."

"This is hardly a conversation to be had whilst eating, Christopher," said his brother in a mock-posh accent.

"That's right. Hey I'm going out soon for a casting, you'll be OK here by yourself?" he asked and Leo sighed loudly.

"I'm blind, not retarded. I can take care of myself, you should know that by now," he said indignantly.

"Well yeah I know, but I feel bad leaving you. We've not been living here long and I know you still can't find everything all the time."

Chris had done his best to put everything away as quickly as possible so that there would be less risk of his twin tripping over or bumping into anything. He'd done a good job, and so far Leo had only ended up falling over once and that was his own fault for leaving his own shoes in the middle of the room.

"Chris I'm fine, I swear. You should go. Go get your cute little butt on some more posters," he said and Chris smirked.

"You should come with me. I bet they'd pay _big_ money for twins-"

"No. Not doing it," Leo said, cutting him off stubbornly.

"OK that's fine. At least let me bring over some friends to introduce you to?" he offered and Leo ran a hand through his hair.

"Now the last time you said that, I found out the girl I had been talking to all night was a hooker who you'd paid to have sex with me… so how can I trust you?" he asked and Chris laughed out loud.

"You can't trust me. And would you just hurry up and lose it already? Jesus. You're twenty years old and a virgin. I swear your balls are going to explode or something," he muttered and it was Leo's turn to laugh.

"No. There's no way I'm going to do it with someone when it doesn't mean anything… I want it to be… right," he said and Chris snorted into his cereal.

"You mean you only want to have sex with a woman you love?"

"Yeah I guess."

"A woman like Emily McCoy?" Chris teased and Leo blushed vivid green right up to the tips of his ears.

"Be respectful. Bones would kill me… you remember when we had the birds and bees talk? I think his exact words were 'and if either of you stick anythin' in my little girl I'll cut it clean off and give it back to you in a jar'," said Leo in a perfect impression of Leonard McCoy's voice. Christopher laughed.

"True. And I like that particular appendage being attached to my body."

"I hear rumours she's going to be back in town though, soon. Haven't been around her since we were what… thirteen?" Leo asked and Chris agreed through a mouthful of cereal.

"Yeah. I bet by now she's got a great pair of-"

"Chris! Shut up," Leo whined and his twin laughed at him. "Although… could you… y'know, tell me how big they are?" Leo asked hesitantly and Chris grinned. Maybe they weren't so different after all.

"Not unless you have practice sex with someone else before you make a fool of yourself in front of her. You're way too much of a child you know," Chris said and Leo shook his head.

"Yeah well… at least I'm not a filthy little man-slut that fucks anything with a pulse," he mumbled and Chris gasped, throwing a spoonful of cereal across the table and spraying milk all over his twin's face.

"Did… did you just throw food at me?" he asked.

"Oh that's it. It's on!"

* * *

James T. Kirk almost choked on his coffee as he rounded the corner onto Eighth Avenue.

He was met with an enormous illuminated screen on the side of one of the buildings, and his son sprawled across it.

Christopher was posing suggestively, draped across a brown leather couch in only a pair of _obscenely_ tight white boxer briefs, legs spread wide and a look on his face that said 'come and get it, ladies'. The bulge he was displaying had Jim feeling all of a sudden _very_ inadequate in that department, and the way every muscle in his young body was clearly toned and defined made Jim feel his age just that little bit more.

"God damn… little slut," Jim muttered as he walked quicker, head down now as he did his best to get away from the image of his once innocent little boy in almost all his glory.

He knew when Christopher had been spotted by a talent scout that it was only a matter of time before he landed a big contract. The twins were aesthetically perfect, almost so much that it was painful. They'd taken the best from both their parents, with Spock's dark eyes and piercing stare, pointed ears and strong jawline, and Jim's blonde hair, tanned skin and facial structure, they were never going to be unattractive.

His communicator bleeped in his pocket and he pulled it out.

"Hey Jim, I need a favour," Bones' voice rang out.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Could you get that picture of Chris taken off that billboard? It's just I've got such a raging mega-hard _boner_ from looking at him that I can't focus on working," he teased and Jim sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to start calling you 'Boneser' you know," Jim said and Bones gasped.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I would if you keep saying such obscene things about my little boy, stop it Bones! It's weird enough for me to see it all over the place without you being a pervert."

"Little boy? _Little?_! Jim have you _seen_ the size of-"

"Yes! Bones! I've seen it. I've seen it all over town. I'm mortified and humiliated and so angry I could punch him right in the pointy ear, but he's an adult now, and if he wants to whip his cock out for a little bit of money then there's nothing I can do stop him, especially now that they've moved out. What do you want anyway?" Jim asked as he sped up, walking back towards Starfleet HQ.

"I don't really want anythin', just to bother you while I'm on break. Oh. And Emily is comin' home, for good this time too, we're throwing her a little 'welcome back' party next Friday. Think you can round up the three musketeers and bring them along?" Bones asked.

"If I can convince Seren to ever come home from Chicago then maybe. You maybe want to get a drink later?" Jim replied.

"Well, give it a try. That sounds good. Normal place, normal time," Bones said as he cut off the communication.

Jim stuffed the device back in his pocket and hurried into the building, doing his best to ignore the large billboard right outside with Christopher's picture looming over him.

* * *

"Are you alright? You seem kind of quiet," Jim asked as he watched Leo carefully eating his food.

"Hm? Oh no, I'm fine," he said quickly and Jim set down his own knife and fork, staring hard at his youngest son.

"Stop looking at me like that," protested Leo after a few moments and Jim smiled.

"Sorry. Are you sure though? I mean you've barely touched your food either."

Leo sat back slightly in his chair.

"I haven't been feeling too well today, just a little bit of a headache is all. I think it's from not being able to meditate too much lately… my mind is getting all… clogged," he said and Jim nodded.

"Yeah. Spock get's like that too sometimes. Is it Chris behaving like an asshole that keeps disturbing you?" he pressed and Leo sighed.

"The other night he brought home this girl…. And I don't even want to know what they were doing to each other, but it was so loud I couldn't ignore it and I couldn't sleep. I'm wondering if moving in with him was the best idea. I mean, he doesn't need me there to help pay bills, he's got all of that covered… I'm just the talking point to get him introduced to the women, and then he leaves me at the bar to find my own way home," he said and Jim scowled.

"He shouldn't be doing that. Using you to pick up girls? That's wrong. And leaving you in unfamiliar places by yourself too?"

"Relax. It's nowhere completely unfamiliar, plus I've got ways of finding my way places," he smiled and Jim raised an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah? Like how?"

"Well, the one I've been using a lot lately is to wander into the ladies bathroom. Sounds crazy right? But then a girl will spot me and normally start yelling or something, at which point I tell her I'm completely blind and have no idea this was the ladies bathroom. So then their tone will change from 'you asshole pervert' to 'oh you poor, _poor_ man'… they lead me back out, I ask them for the address of wherever we are. Bingo, I can find my way home."

Jim grinned at the ingenuity of the plan. Leo knew San-Francisco by heart. How many paces were in each block, where there were steps and kerbs and dreaded trees in the middle of the pavement. Once he knew where he was, he could find his way to any other point within the downtown area. The Vulcan part of his brain never failed him, and his ability to memorise and problem-solve was like nothing Jim had ever seen before.

"Very clever. I like it," Jim smiled and Leo shrugged, picking up his glass of water and taking a sip.

"So how's the life of the Commodore? Still just as fun as ever sitting at your desk lining all your pens up perfectly straight?" Leo asked and Jim chuckled.

"Yeah something like that. I hope Spock is having fun with my ship out there though…" he sighed.

"When is the great Captain home next?"

"Soon, I hope. He's damn well been gone long enough." Leo could sense the hostility in Jim's tone.

"Are you guys fighting?" he asked and Jim made an indecisive noise.

"Not exactly. I think not speaking would be a better way of putting it," he said and Leo pressed further.

"Why? What happened?" he asked and Jim paused before giving his answer.

"He wants me to force you and Chris to go to the academy… and I don't want to do that. I mean you're one year off your own degree, and Chris is… off having fun and catching STD's or whatever the hell else he's doing. I don't think you guys have ever wanted it, therefore, I'm not going to push you. I mean… he never tried to push Seren into the academy, and I think the three of you should be treated equally," Jim explained.

Leo finally set down his knife and fork, deciding that his headache had ruined his appetite so completely that he didn't want anything else to eat.

"She didn't need to be pushed into the academy, she was at medical school at the age of fifteen," Leo pointed out and Jim nodded.

"True. But you're going to get your Engineering degree next year, and then if you want to join Starfleet, well, that's up to you," Jim said and Leo sighed.

He did want to. He wanted nothing more than to join and go off into space on great adventures as his fathers had done before him. It was just that being able to see would be a requirement of that, and a requirement he couldn't fulfil.

"So you guys aren't talking because of that?" Leo asked and Jim sighed.

"Can we not talk about it?" he asked quietly and Leo nodded.

"Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"No, really, it's fine. I just don't believe in parents putting their kids in the middle of their fights. Anyway. Shall we head out? I'll give you a ride home," Jim offered and Leo nodded, ignoring the way his headache was now trickling down his spine.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want me to come in with you?" Jim offered as Leo fumbled with the door handle to get out of the car.

"Yeah. I'm fine, honestly, I just need to sleep," he said stubbornly, doing his best to force his hands to stop trembling and to ignore the pounding in his skull.

He stepped out of the car and ended up flat on his back as his sense of balance failed him completely.

Within seconds Jim was out the car, had grabbed his hand with both of his own and was hauling him up to his feet.

"Come on, I'll make sure you get to bed OK," Jim said firmly and Leo knew not to argue.

He couldn't help but notice as Jim led him up the stairs into the apartment building, still gripping his hand.

He wished he hadn't noticed.

Jim's left hand that was on his was completely naked.

_His ring was missing._

"Dad is everything alright?" he asked as they stepped into the lift, Leo grabbing for the bar he knew ran at round waist height to support himself on his wobbly legs.

"Right now I'm more concerned about you," Jim said as they ascended the building.

Leo didn't say anything further.

He allowed Jim to lead him into the bedroom and untie his shoes for him so he could kick them off, but then insisted he was fine and sent him on his way.

Relaxing back into the soft mattress he focused on the exact source of the pain in his head. It was near the back, and relatively low down, sending the occasional jolt of pain down his spine if he moved incorrectly. He closed his eyes tightly and did his best to slow his breathing and attempt to sleep.

* * *

"You get smaller every time I see you," said Bones as Jim approached.

"Well, what can I say," he shrugged, sinking into the bar stool beside his friend.

"I'm serious Jim. Your uniform is like a tent on you, it's not a good look."

"Shut up! Alright! First Leo and now you… just… stop grilling me," Jim exclaimed and Bones looked taken-aback by the outburst.

"Alright then Mr. Pissy! Jeez... What's up anyway?" he asked and Jim sighed deeply, resting his elbows on the bar and letting his head fall into his hands.

"We're having a… trial separation," Jim said quietly and Bones took a sharp breath.

"Didn't realise you were quite at that point," Bones said bluntly and Jim nodded. He gratefully accepted the drink Bones slid across to him, taking a large sip of it.

"Neither did I. He suggested it," Jim said glumly.

Bones shifted in his seat, subconsciously twisting the gold band on his own finger.

"When does he get back?"

"A couple of weeks. I guess we're going to talk about it all then… I just… for him to be the one breaking up with me, that's what really takes the cake, you know?" Jim took an aggressively large swig of his drink, almost draining it in one go.

"I gave up… _everything_ to stay at home, to be there for them, and that's fine… I mean, I expected to. But him? He's missed more of them growing up than he's been here for. It was almost like nothing changed for him. Then he got promoted too and that was that… he's off out in space for months and months at a time, forgetting that people at home might actually… need him," Jim finished weakly and Bones signalled the bartender to place two more drinks in front of them.

"Does he know you feel like that?" Bones asked and Jim laughed loudly, but there was no happiness in it. It was the cold, sarcastic laugh of a man who was well on his way to becoming completely bitter and cynical.

"Knows? Yeah. He knows. _Cares?_ Now that's a whole other question."

They fell into silence, Jim just draining glass after glass until Bones cut him off at eight.

"What about your mental… link thing? Won't that always be there?"

Jim shrugged.

"It's kind of like the ones we have with the kids. It still exists but hasn't been used in such a long time it's gone… dormant. The ones with the kids haven't been active since they were old enough to care for themselves, and Spock and I have ignored ours for the better part of the time he's been away." Bones stared down at the bar. He knew Spock had been gone just over a year this time, and it was taking a serious toll on Jim.

"He missed Seren's graduation… he missed our fifteenth anniversary, after missing our tenth too. He wasn't even there to support me when... when..." Jim was unable to say it, and Bones understood.

A little under six months after they had returned from the five year mission and Jim and Spock had got married Jim had found out he was expecting again. They had agreed it would be their last child. One last baby that Jim had so _desperately_ wanted, but it wasn't to be. At eight weeks Seren had found Jim passed out on the kitchen floor at home, Spock off world on New Vulcan. She'd been the one who'd called him in the middle of the night, panic in her voice, the most emotional Leonard had ever known her.

Jim had miscarried, and with no way for his body to eject the embryo, it had started to poison him, septicaemia spreading rapidly through his body. The damage was severe, and to save Jim's life Bones hadn't had a choice but to remove the entire reproductive system.

He always felt like Jim had never fully got over it, and never fully forgiven Spock for not being there to help him through it.

"He just… he doesn't care, and I'm done being hurt by it," Jim said firmly.

"I know you all too well Jimmy, as soon as he gets home you'll throw yourself at him an' everythin'll be fine. You've been talkin' like this before and you always change your mind. You're just makin' it into a bigger thing than it really is… I mean, sure, he's been gone for a lot of time-"

"Bones in the twenty-one years we've been together he's been around for nine years, four months and twelve days. Five years of that was the mission. So… he's been away the _majority_ of our relationship. I just… I'm sick of waking up in an empty bed when I'm no longer even convinced that the person supposed to be sleeping there even loves me anymore," Jim said, finally meeting Bones' eye.

His blue eyes were just as bright as they always had been. Unnatural almost. Age had been kinder to him than it had to the Doctor, and the lines on his face were shallow, still not a single grey hair in his head of caramel strands. Bones theorised it had something to do with Khan's blood and the vastly longer life-expectancy of the Augments, but he had never done any research to prove it. Jim's face did reveal something though.

Pain. Hurt. Misery.

It hadn't been the life he'd wanted when he'd said his vows that day up on the ship. He thought Spock would be there for him, as he'd promised that he would, and he'd been let down. Finding a way to cope he'd thrown himself into caring for the kids and working, rising quickly to the rank of Commodore and staying there so he could keep his desk job, the kids becoming his main focus.

Now the twins had moved out and Jim was all alone, Bones felt a strong surge of sympathy for the man who had put his faith in someone who had done nothing but stamp all over his emotions for the past fifteen years.

"Jim… do you want to come over? I'm not working until tomorrow afternoon, we could get out a bottle of-"

"Thanks… but I should probably go home," Jim said, interrupting him before he could finish his invitation.

"Sure. Who's more drunk? I only had five to your eight." Bones asked as they stood up.

Jim wobbled a little and the Doctor grabbed his upper arm.

"Take it I'm driving," he said and Jim smirked.

"You know how it is Bones, five and drive! Just like the academy days," he said, clapping his friend on the shoulder as they left the bar together.

A short drive later (and a careful one at that) Leonard McCoy pulled up outside the familiar house and Jim looked up at him from where he had spent the last fifteen minutes examining his own fingernails in great detail, trying to avoid conversation.

"Do I have to throw you out?" he asked and Jim smiled weakly, looking up at the house all in darkness, not a single light on.

"No, I'm going. Thanks Bones, I needed this today. Say hi to Carol for me."

Jim closed the hover-car door with a dull thud and walked up the path to the front door, his feet crunching on the grey gravel. He gave his friend a small wave as he pressed his palm to the reader and the door unlocked to allow him in.

Sighing, he stepped into the house, not even bothering to turn on any lights as he kicked off his shoes by the front door.

They were the only pair sitting there.

There were no small purple sandals that Seren had worn until they fell apart as a little girl. There were no Converse classic basketball sneakers favoured by Leo his whole life as the thin soles allowed him to feel the ground better as he walked. There were no eccentrically coloured shoes in whatever the current fashion was, belonging to Christopher.

And to top it all off, Spock's black boots were thousands of light years away.

"Asshole," Jim muttered under his breath as he stomped upstairs to his bedroom.

He peeled off his clothes before padding down the hall in only his boxers to brush his teeth.

On the return trip to the bedroom he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror in the hallway, scowling at the man he saw staring back at him in the half-light.

He crawled into bed, finding himself once again sleeping on Spock's side and cuddling a spare pillow.

He lay still and alone with his eyes open and staring unseeingly at the wall, listening to the silence of the house and longing for the days when it had been full of life.

* * *

**Reviews appreciated :)**

**Oh. And just bare with me with the Jim and Spock stuff.**

**I wanted it to be realistic, real marriages face troubles and tests and hard times, and I didn't want them to be exempt from that.**

**FULL SEQUEL (in progress) CAN BE FOUND AT THIS LINK: s/9665180/1/Standing-In-The-Sun**


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